Saturday, February 23, 2008

Freedom À La Carte

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about stripping the Second Amendment from the Bill of Rights.
That's totally not retarded - Let's go through the whole damned document and see where we could cut some more fat:

First Amendment – Establishment clause, freedom of religion, speech, press, and peaceable assembly as well as the right to petition the government.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Any Fox News analyst could tell you that every religion other than fundamentalist Christianity is destroying the nation, and that free speech makes America cry. Plus, the government has way more important things to worry about without your pitiful little criticisms, or your gay-assed little rallies. Get over it.

Second Amendment – Right to keep and bear arms.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Guns kill people, therefore the only entities who should own guns are a) the Government, b) their "peace" officers, and c) any criminal who isn't interested in following arbitrary laws.

Third Amendment – Protection from quartering of troops.
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Our country could save some big bucks if instead of spending the big money on housing for troops they could just bunk-up in your guest bedroom. Thanks - It's appreciated.

Fourth Amendment – Protection from unreasonable search and seizure.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
We all know that you're hiding something. Luckily, we have the 101st airborne shacked up in your rumpus room - They can check it out for us. That's the only way we can be sure that you aren't in possession of any deadly .22 squirrel rifles.

Fifth Amendment – Due process, double jeopardy, self-incrimination, eminent domain.
No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
All your base are belong to the Government. Oh, and we can keep laying our bullshit charges against you and take any measures we see fit until we get a retarded enough jury-pool to make that crap stick.

Sixth Amendment – Trial by jury and other rights of the accused.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.
The government tribunal is your peer. Plus, we totally heard that some guy said that you were a child-molesting terrorist. GUILTY!

Seventh Amendment – Civil trial by jury.
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Oh, and that same guy said that you destroyed his priceless art collection while making bombs and buggering pre-schoolers. Pay up.

Eighth Amendment – Prohibition of excessive bail, as well as cruel and unusual punishment.
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
You are so guilty that it would be like a bajillion and two dollars to get out on bail. And since you pointed out that a "bajillion" isn't a real monetary value, we're gonna shove this red-hot poker even further up your ass.

Ninth Amendment – Protection of rights not specifically enumerated in the Bill of Rights.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
I don't see anything in this rag against positing those awesome red-hot poker pics I took of you up on

Tenth Amendment – Powers of states and people.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
The government knows what is best for you. To disagree is treason.

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."
-Richard Jackson (or Ben Franklin, depending on who you believe)-


Chris B. said...

I think it was Randy Jackson, dog.

DC Liar said...

When in doubt, it's always Randy Jackson.

The Old Dog said...

It was Action Jackson!