Lies & Exaggerations

Now THAT'S Racist!

2011-03-31T01:59:00.004-05:00

It has been four whole years since the last Asian Arert. Well, here's a new one: This clip is from the Tokyo shock flick 'Vampire Girl -vs- Frankenstein Girl' and features a clique of Japanese school-girls that are taking the 'wanna-be' fad way too far.
Yes, it's offensive, but I also I think it's an inspired social commentary on the absurdity of the misguided emulation of (wrongly perceived) black culture.

Discuss.

Rewired: Part Three - The Minuses of Hulu Plus

2011-03-25T16:29:00.002-05:00

Item: Hulu Plus
Price: $7.99 per month
Days to pay for itself (compared to cost of cable): 1.6 per month

It's been well over a month since we cut cable, and we're surprisingly happy with our new set-up... With one exception: Hulu Plus. First off, here's what it is: Hulu Plus is a streaming service available through the PS3, Roku, mobile Apple devices, and a few select TVs/Blu-ray players. Hulu Plus has over 400 shows and 800 movies available for streaming to your TV/game console/mobile device.
They have some good shows (Nova, X-Files, Firefly, Law & Order SVU, Spaced, Little Britain, Daily Show, etc.). They have a plethora of crap shows (Airwolf, Time Tunnel, Major Dad, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, etc.). They have a bunch of shows I never watch, but that people seem to like (Family Guy, Glee, Jersey Shore,30 Rock, etc.).
It sounds like a pretty good deal for 8 bucks a month until you realize that the standard version of Hulu has four times the number of shows FOR FREE. I can watch Simpsons, Venture Brothers, Fringe, Walking Dead, Sons of Anarchy, etc for free on Hulu, but NOT on Hulu Plus. I realize that it's a licensing issue, but I really don't want to shell out $8 per month just to watch Nova with commercials (sometimes thrown in mid-sentence).
The selection isn't even the worst bit. I don't know if Hulu Plus won an online auction for a load of Soviet-era Bulgarian technology, but that seems to be what their running their service on. Damn near every show you watch will skip ahead, freeze, or (if you're lucky) completely lock-up so that you have to manually re-boot the PS3. It's ridiculous. I have never had that problem with Netflix's streaming service, but It happens constantly with Hulu Plus.
The one thing I can say that I really like about Hulu Plus is that they've started to make available a load of Criterion Collection films, and seem to be adding in more all of the time. That's good. When I was trying to watch Nobuhiko Obayashi's 'House' The film kept locking-up and it took me over 2 hours to watch an 88 minute film. That's not good.
Don't believe the hype - There's no "race" between Netflix and Hulu Plus, that'd be like a race between a Ferrari and a filing cabinet. Hulu Plus could be a great service if they work out the bugs in their system and focus on securing more licenses for current shows. That looks like it is a long way off, so until they work out their myriad flaws, I can't (in good conscience) recommend Hulu Plus to anyone. Then again, it's still better than Comcast.

Very Young Dog-or-Puppy, Puppy, Puppy, Puppy!

2011-03-15T20:27:00.001-05:00

We just rescued a (12 week old) puppy last Friday (March 11th). I didn't see this one coming. I was out at Mutiny on Wednesday and was alerted by the bartender to a golden pup that was about to hit the shelter. Less than 48 hour later, we had another dog.
This one is Jenny's, so I'm leaving the naming up to her, but it looks like she's going to be called Leela (I wanted to name her 'Amaterasu-Ō-Mi-Kami', so it's probably for the best that Jenny took over that duty).
And, yes, I know that the pic is out of focus, but it is nearly impossible to get a picture of the puppy that isn't a golden blur. Deal with it.

Hasta la Vista, Crazy.

2011-03-07T12:14:00.000-06:00

After five months of crashing out on our futon, Cheyenne (pictured) went back to live with her real family today. I'll be at a loss for rambling stories of adventure for awhile.

Rewired: Part Two - Broadcast n00bs

2011-02-18T13:01:00.002-06:00

Item: RCA ANT1450B Multi-Directional Digital Flat Amplified Home Theater Antenna (Black)
Price: $22.09
Days to pay for itself (compared to cost of cable): 4.5

It's funny how you you forget that there's free television floating in the air all around you. We're lucky enough to have one of the few functioning outdoor antennas jutting majestically from the side of our apartment - We've had the second TV hooked up to that for years. Once we cut the cable I bought a cheap digital antenna for the main TV. It took no time to hook up, and after a 5 minute auto-program we had 55 free channels. Some of them are even in English (It must be impossible to sell cable to the Spanish speaking populous of Chicago, hence my new axiom: He's so good, he could sell cable subscriptions to Mexicans). Anyway, after some acclamation to not being able to pause, rewind, or skip through the commercials and having to move the antenna around occasionally when a signal drops, it isn't all that bad. Plus, it's kinda cool to rediscover ephemera you never thought you'd ever need again, such as TV listings.
With our current set-up, I'll get all of the Bears games and most Cubs/Blackhawks games. I'm gonna miss NFL Red Zone, but I can't justify paying $1800 annually for 16 afternoons of football coverage. We get 7 PBS stations, which is pretty sweet, and I discovered that they telecast the Roe & Roper show everyday on NBC 5.2 - SCORE! All in all, I'm not noticing too much of a difference. It seems that PBS always has something on worth watching, and there are several news programs scattered throughout the day (this morning I had my coffee to Al-Jazeera English, which probably landed me on a watch-list somewhere). I'm good-to-go with my cheap-ass antenna, just don't bother me between 8PM and 9PM (CST) on Fridays - I'm watching Fringe, motherfuckers.

Rewired: Part One - Enter the TVoid

2011-02-14T20:41:00.003-06:00

Several weeks ago The Girl and I decided to ditch cable, and as of 11AM this morning we're cable free. This isn't anything new to me. Over the last 20 years, I've only had cable for about half of that time. I came to the realization that in the times that I didn't have cable, I got a hell of a lot more accomplished than the times that I did have cable. Obviously. Okay, it wasn't really a realization, more of a recognition.
I looked at the Comcast bill and saw that we were shelling out nearly $150 a month for HD cable with a DVR and HBO/Showtime (including the city tax). Then I made a list of all of the shows that I'm watching on a weekly basis. Here is that list in it's entirety: Fringe. I then expanded my list to all of the shows I watched regularly over the last year: Fringe, Venture Brothers, Dexter, True Blood, Boardwalk Empire, Walking Dead, and Sons of Anarchy. Then I threw in Idiot Abroad, which we just started to watch (but not V, which I watch but can't figure out why I'm bothering to watch it). I totaled up all of all of those episodes per year and divided it by the cable bill per year and came out to... It's costing me $20 per fucking episode! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I'm being robbed!
Now I'm taking the cable money and spending (a small part) on several different technologies/services and will be doing a series of posts on each item/service. Look for new posts in the days and weeks to come as I try out the alternatives (HD Broadcast, Hulu Plus, Netflix, etc.) and have some time to process my experiences.
Keep tuned.

The Strange Saga of the Menstruation Gate

2011-02-11T17:30:00.003-06:00

Prologue:
I'm still watching Nate's 'mentally different' dog (see preceding post). That I'm fine with. What I'm not so fine with is that Cheyenne is quickly approaching her special lady-time*, and I have nightmarish visions of my apartment turning into this:
Further complicating the situation is my belief, as a Dogon bushman, that menstruating females are unclean and must be confined to a menstrual hut for the duration of their shedding of the uterine lining. Unfortunately, I couldn't track down a menstrual hut seller on Amazon that was willing to provide free shipping to Chicago, so I opted for a metal baby gate instead, thus transforming my kitchen into a de-facto menstrual hut. I'm praying like fuck that the sky god Amma is okay with that. So, I order the menstruation gate from Amazon and it is scheduled to be delivered on the first of the month. You know what else was scheduled to be delivered on the first of the month? 20+ inches of motherfucking snow, that's what. The parcel was delayed a couple of days, which is completely understandable, even though our street was clear throughout. As of Thursday evening, the UPS tracking info indicates that the package is scheduled to be delivered sometime on Friday. Cool.

Day I (Friday):
Was up and going at 8AM just in case I got a go-getter delivery driver. There were a load of errands to run, but I decided to hang-tough (like a New Kid) and make sure that I didn't miss the UPS guy. I sporadically checked the UPS Track and Confirm status just to make sure that everything was on schedule. When I refreshed the tracking info at 1:30 I got "1:27 P.M. - The customer was not available on the 1st attempt. A 2nd attempt will be made." Dicks! Either they were outright lying, or the sign I had taped to the front door was overly vague:

My feeling on the matter is that if you are unable to decipher that sign, you probably shouldn't be driving.
Screw those guys. I decided that since I wasn't going to get the package, that I should focus on trying to get my Jeep out of the garage in case I had to go and pick it up. It took 30 seconds to get the Jeep out of the garage and an hour getting it dug out and the 10 feet back in**. I was stuck. Now I had to make sure that the menstruation gate was delivered to my door.
I called up the UPS 1-800 number to make sure that the parcel would be redelivered. I got through their automated telephone hell; "If you want to know where your motherfucking parcel is say 'motherfucking parcel'.. I'm sorry I did not get that", only to be transferred to a busy signal THREE FUCKING TIMES.
Okay, this is war.
I prayed to Amma to hold off the bloodworks through the weekend and begun waiting for Monday.

Day II (Monday):
Evidently there had been a 'Super Bowl' of some sort over the weekend, but I hadn't really notice as I had become menstruation gate obsessed. With the weekend gone, I was ready for those fuckers. By 8AM, I had a pot of coffee in me and all of my 'necessities' out of the way. At any time of the day I made sure that I wasn't any further than 50 feet from the doorbell. I spent lengths of time with my forehead pressed up against the window. Waiting... like a crouched panther.. strapped with a thermonuclear bomb. Hell, at one time in the day a doorbell rang in some fucking 1-800-Flowers commercial and I ran downstairs just to be sure. I was running to the window every time I heard a diesel engine passing. Listening. Watching. WAITING. Around 4:30 I caught the UPS truck driving by, and sure enough when I checked the Track and Confirm status it came up as: "4:41 P.M. - The customer was not available on the 1st attempt. A 2nd attempt will be made."
Again? So the were admitting that this was the first attempt and that they were just fucking with me on Friday? And now a 'delivery attempt' involves driving by at 30 MPH? Oh, fuck you guys! It's not like you have to deliver the fucking menstruation gate to some remote fucking fly-speck village in the Mopti region of Niger. I live on a main thoroughfare in one of the largest cities in the United States. C'mon, this shouldn't be too fucking hard, people! Yeesh.
Here's a suggestion; focus less on cheap buzzwords such as "logistics" and work on delivering some motherfucking packages, you brown-short wearing cunts. As for logistics, you suck at it.

Day III (Tuesday):
At this point it's me against the clowns in brown. I'm jacked up on a mix Red Bull and pure hatred which makes me slightly more high-strung than a methed-out chipmunk. I'm waiting... No, I AM waiting personified. To compound matters, they start doing construction on the empty storefront below us, so with every new noise the (not yet menstruating) dog freaks out and I run to the window.
Around noon the doorbell rings. I'm downstairs in 10 seconds flat, swing open the door with an "A-HA!" and scare the hell out of the mailman. I ask him if he's seen any UPS scum in the vicinity. He mutters "Uh-uh", shoves Jenny's catalog order at me, and runs off. I begin to suspect that he's in on the conspiracy, possibly an undercover UPS agent sent to check my alertness.
Around 2PM I catch sight of a box truck in the unloading zone down the street. I run out and stare hatefully at the Snap-On Tools truck that was brazen enough to deceive me. At 3PM I chase a FedEx truck down the street just for the hell of it. Around 4:30 I notice my landlord outside and decide to take a break from pressing my forehead against the window whilst swearing and go down and say "hi". I'm in front of the apartment talking to Jimmy for about 20 minutes... Well, talking for 5 - bitching about those UPS fuckers for 15. I head back up to recheck the order status and get: "4:31 P.M. - The customer was not available on the 2nd attempt. A 3rd attempt will be made."
Okay, let me get this straight: You tried to deliver the parcel to the apartment while I was standing in front of said apartment? Trust me, I would have noticed. Hell, I probably would have run-up and tackled the guy once he stepped on the block. I would have chased a truck down the street swearing, had one driven past while I was out there. You fuckers aren't even trying now. I go upstairs, make another phone call to the UPS not-line, get disconnected again, throw a tantrum, decide to send UPS an e-mail, compose e-mail, get stopped half-way through due to the '500 character' limit, remove all obscenities, finish writing e-mail, notice that I still have several characters left. At this point I AM a burning hatred of UPS.
Around 5:30PM a UPS truck stops across the street and delivers a package. Before he can drive off, I scream "Gimme my menstruation gate, you brown bastards" out the window. The driver looks around, quickly jumps into the truck, and speeds off, I notice (thankfully) that the driver is a white dude.
Around 11PM Dena calls up and asks me if I want to meet up with the Valtrex Squad for some drinks. Fuck it, I need to get the hell out of this place. Jenny agrees and shoos me out the door. I head down to Quencher's - Drink. Then head across the street to The Mutiny - Drink more. By 2AM I'm substantially less crazed and very drunk.

Day IV (Wednesday):
Roll off the couch at 11AM. Mutter something about "UPS cunts" and grab some aspirin for the fucking headache. I make some lunch, and around 1:30PM the doorbell rings. It's my motherfucking menstruation gate; Praise be to Amma! I was so damned surprised that UPS actually bothered to deliver the parcel that I was downright giddy when I saw that brown bastard (yet another white guy). I didn't even care that the package looked like it had been re-routed through Vanuatu - I had that fucker! Later that evening Jenny and I started to put it together. Some pieces were scratched and slightly bent from the shipping, but nothing too serious. Definitely nothing worth sending it back and going through that ordeal again. I actually had it, and then I knew a happiness that can only be known between a man and a menstruation gate.
Here it is in all of its majesty:

Epilogue:
The dog hates it. Actually, it's more of a 'terrified of' than a 'hate', then again, she's terrified of helium-filled balloons so a new gate is bound to be horrifying. I don't care. We're ready for Cheyenne's special lady-time and I don't have to worry about the three week run of her menstrual-show. I'm fine with that.
To top it all off, UPS called in response to my e-mail and woke me up at 9AM this morning. I know it was exactly 9AM because the phone was ringing at the same time the alarm was going off. I was half asleep, so I started to say that I got the parcel and was going to let that be the end of it before the UPS rep foolishly mentioned that UPS had tried to deliver the package several times before I was available and that I was lucky that they allowed an extra delivery for me. I woke up damned quick and gave her the WHOLE bloody story. She seemed disturbed. Very disturbed. I was thoroughly amused by her horror. I win.
---

*Fun Fact: Dogs menstruate twice a year for 3 whole bloody weeks at a fucking time!

**4-wheel drive doesn't work if 3 tires are off the ground and the remaining tire is on a sheet of ice. In fact, 4x4 stands for 4" deeper and 4' further.

Nate's Weird Little Dog -or- How I Missed the DeKalb Townie Christmas Party

2010-12-24T18:05:00.006-06:00

It started off as a simple plan: Head out to the hinterland, get the dog acclimated to new surroundings, run some errands, head out to D-Town, drink festively, return the next morning, head back to Chicago, the end. Sounds nice, huh? Well this is what really happened:

We've been watching my good friend Nate's dog (pictured above) since September while he and his kids are in the process of moving. It's a good deal. Nate doesn't have to worry about the dog and Jenny gets to mollycoddle something other than the X-Box 360. The dog is super-sweet, but how to put this mildly... um, er... nuttier than a sack of squirrel turds.
So, now Jenny is in Williamsburg, VA for the holidays and I'm home alone with the dog. The parents were up in Wisconsin, so I figured that I could just take the dog out to their place and use that as my base of operations for some festive wassailing. I headed out of the city around noon. Well, noon-twenty. I should have known to end the adventure when it took 20 minutes getting the dog into the back of the Jeep.

I solved that challenge with an elegant flying tackle into shot-put technique after ten straight minutes of creative swearing failed to do the trick.
We got on the road and despite my repeated suggestions the dog insisted on standing for the duration of the trip. This wouldn't have been a big deal if the traffic hadn't been stop-and-go for the first half of the journey and the dog didn't have the sense of balance of a turnip. So what happened was: Accelerate - Dog slams into back window, Decelerate - Dog slams into safety gate, Turn - Dog slams into side window/spare tire. Motorists were actually pointing and laughing, and I began to feel and equal mix of anger and humiliation often reserved exclusively for 14 year-old girls with their families at the beach. I tried reasoning with the dog and even went so far to try and explain Newton's three laws of motion to her but it was no use. We finally made it there just as I suspect she was just starting to grasp the concept of linear momentum.
I suspect she grasped the basics of linear momentum, because once I opened up rear door of the Jeep she shot off like a furry missile. FUCK. So I'm running through 2 feet of snow (in Converse) trying just to keep her in my line of sight. After much pleading, cajoling, and a bit of creative swearing I finally got her into the first fence on the far side of the house that wraps around the pool. Her first order of business was to run out to the dead center of the frozen pool and defaecate. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Flash forward 10 minutes - I'm exhausted from chasing the dog in a circle around the pool, swearing, and waving a frosty pool skimmer trying to get her to go into the fucking yard. I give up, prop the gate open with a shovel, and head into the garage for a beer. She finally wanders into the yard, I leap out of the garage, slip on the ice, spill my beer, lunge toward the gate, and slam it shut with an "A-HA, GOTCHA!".
I took her into the yard, set out some water for her (which horrified her beyond description for some reason), and attempted to show her how the doggie door into the (heated) garage worked. I sat there for another 10 minutes sticking my arm through the dog-flap and gently trying to nudge her through it. It didn't work at all. Fuck it.

With that ordeal in the rear-view, I unpacked some stuff and focused on some holiday-themed projects such as fishing frozen dog turds off of the pool with aforementioned skimmer, emptying several mouse traps, and affixing my new MP4 Smith & Wesson Q3 tactical flashlight onto my Rock River Arms LAR-15 rifle. After I finished up my festive tasks, I left the dog out in the yard while I ran into town to pick up another one of my bad-ass machines that was out for repair:

I returned not even 45 minutes later and it looked like the dog had spent the entire time alone trying to jump over/dig under the 5 foot fence. When I found her she was standing in a hole with her front legs poking through the chain-link fence looking like she was awaiting the sweet embrace of death. We went inside and I filled up one bowl with food and another with water which she stared at with a look of unbridled horror and ran into the other room wherein she saw a vacuum cleaner which she stared at with a look of unbridled horror and ran into the other room wherein she saw a chair which she stared at with a look of unbridled horror and ran into the other room, etc. (repeat for one hour).
I was starting to suspect that my DeKalb drinking adventure was probably in jeopardy at this point, so I decided that I just make a run to WalMart and call it a night. What to do with the dog? I looked around and realized that I could put her in the entry way with her food, water, and a doggie bed. It was about 8 foot square, so she would have plenty of room, and the doors shut on both ends, so she wouldn't wreak havoc in my absence. Hell, this was nice enough that I could leave her there later and run to DeKalb, make a showing, have a couple of beers, and come back in time to let her out and go to bed. I'm a fucking genius. I left for the store incredibly pleased with myself and picked up some festive items from WalMart such as 4 bags of water-softener salt, Windex, paper towels, sugar-free Red Bull, a carton of Winstons, and a couple boxes of mint tea.
I came home to URINE... and lots of it. I have no idea how one animal can piss so much. It was rolling out from under the closed door. I guess the trick is to miss anything absorbent, as the dog-bed remained unscathed. I cleaned up that mess, did a few odd-jobs, made myself a sandwich, switched on the Steelers game, and settled down - my hopes of making it out to the party utterly crushed. I got into the second quarter of the game before I figured out that the dog had planned to spend the entire night wandering around in circles, crying, and being horrified by every item in sight.
Fuck it, I'm going home.
I made good time heading back, the dog doing the hairy pinball act the entire way home. I let the dog out of the back and she was ECSTATIC! She was running around, hopping about, and looking at me like: "OMG! That was the funnest trip EVER!" Fuck you, dog.
I went down to Fireside, grabbed a beer, hung out with Jimmy, watched the end of the game, and tried to put the whole fucking ordeal behind me.
And that's why I didn't make it out to the DeKalb Townie Christmas Party.

The End

Here's Your Change Back

2010-11-03T12:11:00.000-05:00

I'd just like to take a moment to point out that I called it.
That is all.

New Little Big Planet 2 Trailer

2010-09-10T16:05:00.010-05:00

I'm way jazzed for this. I just preordered the deluxe version from Amazon.

Heaven is Failing

2010-09-09T23:46:00.000-05:00

Burning Qur'ans and building mosques... I don't get it.
I find it endlessly entertaining to watch both the left and right drape themselves in the 1st amendment and go apoplectic while completely missing the point.
The right is in a tizzy about heathens building Park51 (better known as the Ground Zero Mosque) next to America's gaping freedom hole, and the left has their pretty little panties in a bunch about some backwoods preacher burning paper. I hate to break it to all of you, but these are both 1st amendment issues and you're both wrong.

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf admits that he chose the location for Park51 because the existing building was severely damaged in the 9/11 attacks by debris from United 175. He stated: "(It) sends the opposite statement to what happened on 9/11" and "We want to push back against the extremists." Yeah, and then we'll all join hands and enjoy a Pepsi while skipping though a field of posies. He seems like a smart guy, and can't be so blindly naive to think that there wouldn't be opposition to raising a Muslim religious center from a building destroyed in the 9/11 attacks. He did it (by his own admission) for the publicity and to make a statement (whatever that might be). Period. End. And you know what? He has every right to do so. This is America.

Terry Jones (not the guy from Monty Python, the Florida pastor) runs a small church of about 50 people named the 'Dove World Outreach Center' because (as everyone knows) doves are notorious for reaching out and whompin' up on the asses of the heathen masses. Before the media picked up on his Freedom Day BBQ plans, he was relegated to hanging out with his buddies and making up anti-Islam t-shirts and holding misspelled "God Hates _" signs. Now he has his 15 minutes. Thanks a lot. Still, if he wants to burn a pile of Qur'ans he has every right to do so. This is America.

I don't see how this becomes a matter of Left -vs- Right. It seems almost reactionary; as soon as the idiots on the right profess to support/oppose something all of the idiots on the left immediately take up the contrary position (and vice-versa). Then every-fucking body else blindly chooses a camp and derides the other faction for being a bunch of inbred mouth-breathers or effete sheep (respectively). Really?
Even more confounding is that both sides seem to be betraying their deepest held convictions in their opposition. The right is essentially advocating government intervention in the regulation of private property, whereas the left is opposing the right to peaceably protest and acting to protect a work that is used to promote misogynistic and homophobic teachings worldwide.

Fuck 'em all. I just don't get it. Don't look for me at any of your Freedom Day protests, anti-protests, anti-anti-protests, or anti-anti-anti protests - I'll be in my backyard drinking a beer and burning a copy of 'L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics'. Take that, Scientology!

What Comic Books I'm Reading (WCBIR)

2010-09-03T00:04:00.009-05:00

A couple of months ago at Mr. Randy's bachelor pub-crawl I struck up a conversation with Devin about our nerdly pursuits. I decided to do a L&E post on comic books as a thread for *everyone* to share recommendations - Here it (finally) is:

Here are the series that I'm reading right now:
100 Bullets: I currently have all 13 volumes and am working my way through 'em. I'm between vols. #7 & 8 at the moment. If you're looking for a single volume to start with, I LOVED volume 5 'The Counterfifth Detective' - It's a great stand-alone volume with an excellent plot, plus you can read it out of order without missing out on too much background.

Y: The Last Man: I'm 2 volumes into this one, and am seriously jonesing to read more. So much so that I may be tempted to break my rule and buy the next few volumes of the trades at full-price. That's saying something.

The Walking Dead: Zombies, FTW! I've had these for awhile, and decided to get to reading a few volumes before the AMC television series came out. It took a few books to get into, but now I'm hooked. I really appreciate the way this series cycles through "main" characters. It is a Zombie apocalypse, after all.

The Boys: Gundy turned me onto this one and I'm loving it. Garth Ennis always does good work, but this one is a shitload fun to read.

Transmetropolitan: Another Gundy recommendation. Imagine Hunter S. Thompson living in a Neil Stephensonesque dystopian metropolis. Good stuff.

Here are a few stand-alone Graphic Novels/Collections I'd recommend:
Marvel 1602: I love Neil Gaiman so much that I'll even buy his Marvel title (the only other Marvel trade that I own is that mediocre Kevin Smith Daredevil book). I really, really, really liked this one. I never followed any of the superhero comics, but managed to piece together who was who from all of the terrible Marvel films I've watched on cable while hung-over. The fact that I loved a book filled with characters I'm ambivalent to (at best) speaks volume about how good this is.

Black Hole: Since Gundy is always giving me advice on comics, I loaned him this one because I really loved it. He hated it. To each his own - I still say it's brilliant.

Superman: Red Son: Written by Mark Millar and penciled by Dave Johnson. Sign me up. It's about Superman in the USSR? With a soviet Wonder Woman... and Batman is a German anarchist?!?!
*Nerd Spazz*

EC Archives: I'm in love with these collections of the old 1940's-1950's EC comics. The collections are exceptionally well done and a lot of fun to read. Even if you don't recognize "EC Comics" you know the titles; Tales From the Crypt, Weird Science, Two-Fisted Tales, etc. My favorite of the bunch are the Shock-SuspenStories collections. I just wish that I had grabbed more of these before Gemstone went bankrupt and the price of these collections shot through the roof.

Here's what I have on my wish-list right now:
Batman: Year 100
Neil Gaiman's Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader
DC Universe: The Stories of Alan Moore
Johnny Cash: I See a Darkness

Any other recommendations?

Don't Order the Steaks at Google Chicago

2010-06-26T00:55:00.002-05:00

-Click to Enlarge-Either a) Google fucked-up and merged its Chicago office info with that of some crappy restaurant -or- b) They've given up on the whole world-domination-through-technology gambit and decided to open up a mediocre steakhouse instead.

Introducing the Revolutionary iHold

2010-06-25T12:44:00.005-05:00

The big buzz in the tech world today is that holding your new shiny new iPhone4 renders it unusable. Never fear, you iFlock of sheeple, I'm introducing the iHold so you can have your useless shiny toy and use it too. I'm cranking out these stylish bad boys for $750.00 a pop and I guarantee that with this miracle product your iPhone4 will be somewhat usable.*

Just send cash or checks/money orders made out to cash to: 2600 Worthless iCrap Blvd. N.W. Chicago, IL 60647.
*Guarantee void if using AT&T as your service provider.

2010-06-07T14:46:00.001-05:00

Slider Army

2010-05-11T17:35:00.005-05:00

- Yeah, It's another compilation.
- The artwork is an Animal Crossing reference (ask Old Dog).
- Y'all are gonna have to get this one from me directly, or beg like hell. Postage is expensive.Liner Notes:
1) KISS - Do You Remember Rock & Roll Radio?
from the 2003 album 'We're a Happy Family (a Tribute to the Ramones)'
I wanted a KISS song to go with the artwork - I settled on KISS covering the Ramones.

2) Teenage Bottlerocket - Bigger than KISS
from the 2009 album 'They Came From the Shadows'
I put on this one to balance out the previous selection.

3) The Yum Yums - I Lied
from the 2008 album 'Whatever Rhymes With Baby'
You like Swedish pop-punk? Ja!

4) The Manges - Another Day
from the 2006 album 'Go Down'
You like Italian pop-punk? Sì!

5) The Riverdales - Gemini Man
from the 2009 album 'Invasion USA'
You like Chicago pop-punk? Yea!

6) Akaikane - Fighting Spirits
from the 2006 album 'Kasumisou'
You like Japanese pop-punk? Hai!

7) Shoukichi Kina - Jing Jing
from the 1980 album 'Blood Line'
I've been trying to fit in this track on various comps for years. It sorta fits here.

8) Polysics - Hot Stuff
from the 2001 album 'Hey! Bob! My Friend!'
These guys are known as the Japanese Devo. You decide if that's a good thing or not.

9) Bad Livers - Death Trip
from the 2000 album 'Blood and Mood'
This song was played during the closing credits of an episode of True Blood last season. The Girl demanded it be include once she found out I had the album in my collection,

10) Gob Iron - Nicotine Blues
from the 2006 album 'Death Songs for the Living'
Jay Farrar redeems himself, now that Son Volt has devolved into some sorta weird hippie jambaroo band.

11) Tim Barry - Avoiding Catatonic Surrender
from the 2006 album 'Rivanna Junction'
I fucking LOVE this song. The lead singer of Avail flies the roots flag for several solo albums.

12) Against Me! - Holy Shit!
from the 2005 album ' Searching for a Former Clarity'
Damn! Check! Out! All! Of! The! Exclamation! Points! Up! There!

13) The Roman Line - Dawn After The Wreck
from the 2009 promotional EP '100% Bullshit Free - Album Preview'
I saw these guys open up for a Methadones side-project over at Ronny's last year. I really like them a lot. Can't wait for them to come back through, so I can pick up the full-length.

14) Lucero - Nobody's Darlings
from the 2005 album ' Nobody's Darlings'
No maybe Dena will shut the hell up on the topic of the lack of Lucero on my comps. Probably not.

15) Armchair Martian - Statler #3
from the 2000 album 'Hang on Ted'
Because every single compilation I make has to have at least one Armchair Martian/Drag the River track on it.

16) Two Cow Garage - Not Your Friends
from the 2008 album 'Speaking in Cursive'
Good band - Stupid fucking name.

17) Kepi - Down We Go
from the 2008 album 'American Gothic'
The Groovie Ghoulies are defunct (for now), but Mr. Kepi's last few solo projects have been much better than anything the Ghoolies have done in quite awhile.

18) The Raveonettes - Sad Transmission
from the 2008 album 'Lust Lust Lust'
Zombie kid likes turtles -I like the Raveonettes.

19) Electric Six - We Were Witchy Witchy White Women
from the 2008 album 'Flashy'
E6 keeps on rocking their way right up in you.

20) Future of the Left - Wrigley Scott
from the 2007 album 'Curses'
Remember McLusky? Same guys (more or less), new band.

21) Dillinger Four - Shiny Things is Good
from the 2000 album 'Versus God'
And they is.

22) Murder City Devils - Dear Hearts
from the 1998 albim 'Empty Bottles, Broken Hearts'
One of my all-time favorites.

23) The Dictators - Stay with Me
from the 1978 album 'Bloodbrothers'
Another of my all-time favorites. I put the Hudson Falcons cover of this song on one of my early comps -Here's the original

24) The Jags - Back of My Hand (I've Got Your Number)
from the 1980 album 'Evening Standards'
I've been listening to a bunch of late-70's early-80's power-pop lately. Good stuff.

25) Ben Weasel - Got My Number
from the 2007 album 'These Ones are Bitter'
I dig this song, but the reason it's here is because I really like the way it plays with the previous track.

The Travoltas - One for the Road
from the 2002 album 'Endless Summer'
Here's some more Nord-Punk for your sound-holes.

Milo: 1997 - 2010

2010-03-19T14:31:00.000-05:00

He was a good dog.

The Liar's 10 Favorite Films (For the Time-Being)

2010-02-20T12:36:00.006-06:00

Note: I started this post back in April of '08 and never got around to finishing it (yay, me!). I started thinking about it lately and finally decided to rework it and post it. I kept the original list (more or less) intact, fleshed it out, and added 5 'honorable mentions' at the end. Here it is, two years in the making:

This isn't a list of the greatest films I've ever seen. This list is of those films that I just love. Some are truly great - some I just think are great. This is my list of films that I can't get enough of, each one of these films I've watched multiple times and will probably watch numerous more times. I'm sure that I missed a couple of films that should be up here - those ones that were so awesome that I forgot them entirely, but I think that this is a damned good list as it stands.

1) Dr. Strangelove (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) - 1964
Hands-down my favorite movie of all-time. Leave it to Stanley Kubrick to craft a jet-black comedy about nuclear war right at the apex of the Cold War. Peter Sellers turns in one of the great performances in the history of celluloid by playing three separate characters flawlessly. George C. Scott, Sterling Hayden, Slim Pickens, Keenan Wynn, and James Earl Jones round out the exemplary cast. This an absolute pitch-perfect film from start to finish.

2) Kamikaze Girls (Shimotsuma Monogatari) - 2004
I LOVE this film - It's like catnip to me. I could watch this film three times in a row and still consider putting it in for a fourth viewing. The tagline for this film was: 'The extraordinary adventures of a Lolita-look aficionado and a tough biker gang chick', but that only scratches the surface of this frenetic blender-ride of a movie. This might not be Akira Kurosawa, but it's my favorite Japanese film.
Note: Just watched this one again last night with Jake & Maria & it's still awesome-as-all-hell.

3) Hedwig and the Angry Inch - 2001
Easily the best transgendered rock-opera of all time. Before this film hit the theaters, I got a free pass to preview this film in DC. I had no idea what it was all about. I just knew that it was a chance to see an indie-film for free, and that was good enough for me. This film hit me upside the head like nothing I'd seen before - Great film, incredible soundtrack, and possibly the most fun movie of the last 20 years.

4) Kwaidan - 1965
This film is truly a work of art. Masaki Kobayashi's stunning expressionist stylings make this not so much a a movie, but rather a moving painting of indescribable beauty. This collection of four separate Japanese folk tales is eerie and stunning with incredible visuals and surprising depth. Truly a superb film.

5) The City of Lost Children - 1995
Marc Caro and Jean-Pierre Jeunet create a beautiful Jules Vernesque dystopia punctuated by a wonderful Angelo Badalamenti score. The dreamlike nature of this film lies between the worlds of Caro's Delicatessen and Jeunet's Amélie - A perfect middle-ground for an outstanding film.

6) The Man Who Laughs - 1928
This was one of the last great expressionist silent films directed by Paul Leni. By the late '20s the industry was moving away from the surreal styling of German expressionism toward a more realistic portrayal. Too bad. If you look at the Lon Chaney film of the same year, 'Laugh Clown, Laugh", it's amazing how two films of similar subject matter and released in the same month (April 1928) could be so different. Huge props to William T. for turning me onto this gem.

7) Altered States - 1980
This might not be a great film. Hell, it might not even be a good film, but I love it. Take the script from some forgotten Universal monster film from the '40s, load it up on psychedelics, add the overly verbose hyper-technical dialogue of Paddy Chayefsky, and stir. Not for everyone, but it suits me perfectly.

8) Kung Fu Hustle - 2004
I really wanted to include one of Zhang Yimou's wuxia films (Hero, House of Flying Daggers, Curse of the Golden Flower) on the list, but the more I thought about recent Chinese period dramas, the more I thought about how much I love this film. Sorry Zhang. Roger Ebert described this film as "Jackie Chan and Buster Keaton meet Quentin Tarantino and Bugs Bunny". Yeah, that sounds about right.

9) Santa Sangre - 1989
I saw this movie in its limited US theatrical release back in 1990, and it changed my perception of what film could be. Alejandro Jodorowsky's films led me into the films of Werner Herzog, David Lynch, Luis Buñuel, Kenneth Anger, and countless others. This film still has a lasting hold on me, but it's influence has far exceeded its scope. I just wish that they would release a half-decent DVD of this film (ie: not the R-rated Blockbuster cut, or Chinese bootleg). I'm waiting.

10) The Iron Giant - 1999
Back in 2008 (when I started making this list) I was hard-obsessed with this movie. I was going to bump it, but the picture (left) was just too damned cool. Brad Bird directed this film after his work on the (golden-age) Simpsons and before his reign at Pixar. This is a smart, funny, touching movie that far exceeds expectations. Too bad Warner butt-fucked-up the release and tanked the movie out of the gate. Which left Bird to move on and make a bajillion dollars for Disney. Way to go, guys!

Honorable Mentions:
The Fog of War
Giants & Toys
The Night of the Hunter
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Sullivan's Travels

Censor FAIL

2010-01-31T14:56:00.002-06:00

Those m*****fuckers over on Drudge need to pay closer attention.

Big Brother is Undressing You With His Eyes

2010-01-08T00:44:00.009-06:00

The above image (left) was taken straight from the Drudge Report header accompanying an article on the push to get advanced imaging scanners in place in every airport ASAP. The above image (right) is that same image with the colors inverted. That's some crazy shit right there. All I did was load up PhotoShop, hit Ctrl+I, and got government supplied nudie pics.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about public nudity, but I like having the liberty to pick the time and place when it's appropriate to whip it out (ie: bars, taverns, saloons, bar-mitzvahs, bat-mitzvahs, weddings, funerals, baptisms, etc.). Do we really want the TSA to have unfettered access to this technology? These are the same slack-jawed motherfuckers that think that everyone's trying to down planes with yogurt, sandals, and bottles of Dasani (apparently, TSA training consists entirely of repeated MacGyver marathons). You're telling me that those glorified mall-cops arent going to find a way to patch all of the images into an EHD? Keep dreaming - We're dealing with TSA screeners here, these are the flunkies willingly embrace the most hated vocation since IRS auditor. They're a monomaniacal mob of mongoloid masochists - This is sure to end well.
---

Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety - Richard Jackson

Phoneography

2009-12-26T11:41:00.003-06:00

I just washed my phone (like a jackass). If anyone needs to contact me, please send me an e-mail.

2009-12-24T16:11:00.001-06:00

To the fuckwad in the RAV-4 who just accelerated through the standing water by Liar's Club (thoroughly soaking me): I hope you choke to death on a syphilitic cock .

I Don't Wanna

2009-11-16T15:59:00.005-06:00

Screen grab (click to enlarge) of CafePress trying to get me to support racism. That's racist!

D-Town, Ho!

2009-10-15T21:19:00.003-05:00

I'll be out drinking at the Annex in D-Town tomorrow (Friday). Be sure to fortify your homes (and your wine) beforehand.

That is all.

New Favorite Thing Ever

2009-09-25T01:01:00.004-05:00

I'm ALL about the game 'Plants -vs- Zombies' right now. I picked up the disc a couple of weeks ago and now have it installed on every computer I might ever use in the next decade or so (desktop, laptop, old PC at parents' house, The Girl's fruitputer, etc).
You should totally buy it too, so you can be cool like me:
Disc
-or-
Download

Still not convinced? Here's the trailer:

Hey, Hippie, Your Ass is Filthy

2009-09-24T23:27:00.001-05:00

The granola and Birkenstock brigade has a new target in its beady bloodshot little sights: 'Luxury' toilet paper.
LINK
Yeah, go right ahead there, Tigger (if that is your real name), and wipe your ass with that squirrel, but you're not getting my Cottonelle unless you pry it from my cold dead hands.

You Have 127 New Messages

2009-08-22T12:53:00.004-05:00

Really?
I just opened up my "Liar" e-mail account and found that I have a metric-but-load of new messages - all from Facebook -, which is roughly triple the amount of messages I've ever gotten at that address in it's existence.
Apparently Ms. Dena thought it would be fun to forcibly pop my social-networking cherry, so now I'm stuck in e-spreader bars, with a train of "friends" clogging up my inbox and regions beyond.

So to clear things up, The DCLies Facebook account is not me, but rather Ms. Dena pretending to be me, which is fine, because she'll probably make a better me than I would. Furthermore, I may take up the account eventually, get bored with it, and then at an indeterminate point transfer it back to Dena. We also may both take custody of the account and use our pre-nascent iParenting skills to neglect the account until it is forcibly removed from us by the online equivalent of the DCFS.
Crystal clear, right?

Fuck it; here's a picture that explains it:

Lollapaloser

2009-08-03T15:58:00.004-05:00

I'm going to be at Loallapalooza all this weekend, and was wondering if anyone else was going to be there?

I couldn't be less excited now that the Beastie Boys canceled (way to be a total dick, cancer - ruining my weekend), but I bought the fucking 3-day pass, so I'm stuck.

Anyone?

2009-07-24T02:55:00.001-05:00

Shaved my head [again] - First time in over a decade.
---------------------------------------------
Sent by a Cricket mobile device
---------------------------------------------

2009-07-10T14:46:00.001-05:00

TEST
---------------------------------------------
Sent by a Cricket mobile device
---------------------------------------------

Lost My Stupid Phone

2009-06-25T20:57:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not ignoring you.

I tied one on last night an disappeared my phone. I found out where I left it, but won't have it back until sometime tomorrow or Saturday.

Please make a note of it.

BWAAAHAHAHA!

2009-04-26T16:07:00.006-05:00

It should now be evident that the extended hiatus of this blog was due to the intense time constraints imposed in the perfection of my weather control device (pictured).

I have been shifting the temperature back and forth in 40 degree increments over the past 48 hours as a show of my newly acquired power over the forces of nature.
It is time for the Chicagoland region to capitulate to my following demand:
- Allow smoking in bars, you nanny-state bastards.

If you don't revoke the smoking ban, my rein of discomfort will continue unfettered and you all will be forced to suffer through the rest of your pitiful existences with sweaters tied around your waists in order to avoid my wrath of continual climatological chaos.

All bow down before me, your new overlord:
The Liar.

This is Only a Test

2009-04-24T02:14:00.003-05:00

Is anyone still out there, or have I killed this bitch dead?

Ron Ashton - 1948-2009

2009-01-06T17:55:00.007-06:00

One of the all-time great guitarists, Ron Asheton, was found dead today in his Ann Arbor home. He (along with Fred "Sonic Smith" of MC5 --also dead--) created the signature "punk guitar sound" back in the 1960's. There wasn't another living guitarist that had as significant of an impact on the modern music scene as Ashton.
I was lucky enough to catch him play a couple of shows out on the east coast - One with J. Mascis & Mike Watt, and one of the Stooges reunion shows. Both were amazing.
He'll be missed.

Technical Difficulties (X-Mas Edition)

2008-12-25T19:23:00.004-06:00

Notice:
If anyone sent me a text between late Monday Night and about 2PM on Christmas Day, I never got it.
I've been up in West Hooterville, Wisconsin over the past few days, and the closest thing that they have to internet connectivity out there is the town copy of 'The Book of Norwegian Jokes: Uff-Da Edition'.
It didn't help matters that I own the worst fucking phone ever conceived by beast or man. If there is any justice in the world, the worthless twat who designed the LG EnV will die of complications from a perforated bowel.

GOD, DO I HATE THIS PHONE! --pounding phone into desk--

Anyway, once I got back toward civilization, a message appeared on my phone screen: "12 Missed Messages - Inbox Full - Unable to Retrieve - Messages Deleted".
Fucking worthless phone.
So, if you were one of the people who texted me, I'm not intentionally being a huge X-Mas A-Hole (well, no more so than usual) - I just never got your message.

So to all those who tried to text me some baby Jesus B-Day shit; I say Merry X-Mas and watch out for the Krampus.

Does This Mean That the Smoking Banis Null & Void?

2008-12-09T22:04:00.007-06:00

I know at one time or another we've all considered withholding funding from a Children's Hospital for bribe money, but the Blagoff is the only person (outside of a Dickens novel) to have the huevos to actually do so.
Kudos to you, Rod. You are truly a scum-fuck amongst scum-fucks.

Now do the honorable thing, and take a dive in front of a Brown Line train before you embarrass yourself even further.

At Least it Wasn't Guliani

2008-11-12T17:52:00.009-06:00

You'll never guess what I came across while I was cleaning out my internets.

The following list was from a stillborn L&E post that never made it back in JUNE of 2007.
That was when the Presidential Primary candidates from both parties were beginning to shake out, and I decided to rank them (from best to worst) as I evaluated their leadership potential.

I never finished it because I was still working in politics back at this point (and doing consulting for several candidates on this list), and didn't want to burn any bridges.
I just ranked every potential candidate on my assessment of their character, their level of experience, and my personal relationships with them and/or their offices. The list is shockingly (in retrospect) non-partisan.

Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) finished 20th out of 21.

The following is my presidential "power rankings" list from June 15th, 2007:

1. Mitt Romney (R)
2. Bill Richardson (D)
3. Ron Paul (R)
4. Mike Gravel (D)
5. Fred Thompson (R)
6. John McCain (R)
7. Hillary Clinton (D)

Top 1/3 = 4 Republican - 3 Democrat

8. Tommy Thompson (R)
9. Duncan Hunter (R)
10. Jim Gilmore (R)
11. Ralph Nader (I)*
12. John Edwards (D)
13. Dennis Kucinich (D)
14. Joe Biden (D)

Middle 1/3 = 3 Republican - 4 Democrat*

15. Sam Brownback (R)
16. Mike Huckabee (R)
17. Chris Dodd (D)
18. Tom Tancredo (R)
19. Michael Bloomberg (I)*
20. Barack Obama (D)
21. Rudy Guliani (R)

Bottom 1/3 = 5 Republican* - 2 Democrat
---
*Including Nader as Democrat & Bloomberg as Republican in tallies.

Ain't that a kick in the nuts.

Before I Shut the Fuck Up

2008-11-07T01:28:00.021-06:00

First I'd like to definitively answer the Old Dog's query, and categorically state that the reason that I've stopped blogging is that I haven't dug myself into any alcohol-induced holes as of late (ladies). Well, until now.

I'm sorry if I've riled some of you up with my blunt assessment of Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect). There's a superb conversation thread in the comment field of the post below (if you haven't checked it out yet).

I just want to reiterate that:
A) I'm just getting it out there now, so I can gloat later if I happen to be correct in my assessment.
B) I hope that I'm wrong-as-hell in my aforementioned assessment.
C) I wish nothing but the best for Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) and his minions.

All I know is that I've watched enough History Channel to know that when there's a charismatic cult-of-personality figure standing before countless masses that are chanting in unison and making obscure hand gestures, that the guy behind the podium is both lying out of his ass and up to no good.

Plus, It's never a good sign when our (already depleted) financial markets break through the floor in the days following an election.
I just can't picture the world's financial mavens saying: "Huzzah! Our guy won. This is the end of the tumultuous period that has plagued us mercilessly and stripped our houses bare. A new day is dawning, and we are now at the precipice of a great new era of bounty and prosperity".
--slight pause--
"SELL! SELL! SELL!"

Okay, I lapsed back into "sarcastic prick" mode there for a second, but I'm getting it all out now, because I promise to play nice and not say anything mean about Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) unless he starts to pull some shit like he did back in his state Senate days (on July 2nd, 1998 - to be precise) when he advocated banning the sale or transfer of ALL forms of semi-automatic weapons.
For those not in the know, almost every single gun manufactured in the world today falls under the "semi-automatic" classification. Shotguns are semi-auto, Pistols are semi-auto, revolvers are semi-auto, most rifles are semi-auto. If this ban were to pass, the only guns that wouldn't fall under this classification would be antiquated break-action single-shot guns, breech loaders, muzzle loaders, bolt-action guns, and fully automatic weapons (which are already way-illegal).

You wouldn't give a wet shit, you say?

Well here's a thought experiment:
Let's suppose the the Bush Administration somehow finagled legislation through Congress that mandated that the right of free-speech guaranteed to us by the first amendment didn't apply to any form of communication that was invented subsequent to 1885 (the year the semi-automatic process was patented).
I wouldn't put it past 'em.
That means the first amendment wouldn't apply to anything produced with and/or utilizing the following technologies: Linotype typesetting, any Recorded Media (subsequent to rotating cylinder), personal Telephone, Offset press, Screen-printing, Film, Photocopier, Television, Telex, Computer, Cellular technology, the Internet, or (essentially) anything that uses any form of electricity in it's use and/or production process.

Would that be okay with you?

Let me tell you; I'd be unholy pissed. That would be a great time to have a stockpile of modern firearms, because it's damn near impossible to overthrow a totalitarian government with rubber hippie daisies and clever slogans.

Apples and oranges, you say?

Those are the 1st and 2nd rights bestowed upon us by the founding fathers.

The second amendment is misinterpreted, you say?

Talk to the Supreme Court - Their number is: (202) 479-3011.
Good luck with that. If you could, like, change their mind, you totally would, like, be on television or something.

All I'm saying is that once you start fucking around with the Constitution, you set a precedent for every single nut-job to strip away any right that they don't deem necessary.

That's not a good thing.

Okay, got carried away there again for a second.
I'm back on the nice now. I promise not to say anything more on the subject, unless Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) does something that gets me going, or one of you unwashed heathens keeps me riled-up on this....

... although, I do have some personal thoughts and experiences I'd like to share with you on his appointed Chief of Staff....

...Wait for it.

Change Comes from Within

2008-11-04T23:32:00.004-06:00

Eight years ago I told everyone that would listen that George W. Bush was a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his election would be the bane of the Republican party for decades.

Chalk one up for the Liar.

I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly state that Barrack Obama is a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his administration will be a huge embarrassment for the Democratic party.

It is my sincerest hope that sometime in my lifetime we can elect one single United States President based on merit rather than manufactured populist appeal.

I can dream, can't I?

It's Always the Old Dogs That Suffer

2008-10-24T18:25:00.005-05:00

A couple of days ago I received this impassioned plea from the Old Dog via e-mail:

Hey, yours is one of the only 2 or 3 blogs that I bother to look at at all anymore, and you haven't posted since Sept. 27th?

I know that we've been a little out of touch lately, but WHO ARE YOU, and what have you done with Josh?

- Joe

I too am wondering why I'm sucking it at the whole blogging thing since I moved back to Illinois. Here are my thoughts: I really don't have much to say. Believe it or not, there is little to nothing going on right now.
Okay, that's a bullshit excuse. Having zilch to write about has never stopped me before, but I just haven't had the drive to sit down and hammer out anything (other than KfS NFL picks) lately.

I think the real problem is the stupid fucking smoking ban.
No not that one. The one in my apartment.

My old routine was to sit down in front of the computer with a bourbon on the rocks and a cigarette and bang out nonsense 'til my hearts content. When we moved into the new place, I let The Girl talk me into going "smoke free" so that everything in our house wouldn't reek of stale tobacco smoke. I can't drink bourbon without a smoke, and I can't write without the whiskey. That was my routine. Now it's been dismantled. That's probably why I never wrote anything while I was staying at the parents' place either. Without a smoke and a rye on the rocks, blogging just seems kinda pointless. I just don't have the motivation to sit down and write anything.
That's it, but at least our drapes smell nice.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to the patio to have a smoke before the thunderstorm I hear in the distance hits.

Household Hieroglyph

2008-09-27T16:56:00.007-05:00

I noticed this pictogram on the side of a box of dryer-sheets, and for the life of me, I can't decipher it.
Here are my best guesses:
A) DO NOT PLACE SEAGULL IN TEAKETTLE
B) THIS IS NOT AN ENCHANTED WISHING LAMP - DO NOT RUB FOR GENIE
C) NOT FOR USE WITH EUROPEAN A/C PLUG-IN ANAL STIMULATORS

The Apartment

2008-09-03T23:52:00.004-05:00

We're finally getting settled into the new place.
It's pretty fucking sweet.

Lies, Lazarus, Lies!

2008-09-01T01:24:00.007-05:00

'Lies and Exaggerations' has been stuck under a 6-foot blanket of e-dirt for the last 2 months, but now is clawing back to the surface with bloodied vengeful fingertips for another deep breath of sickly-sweet internet air.
God help you all.

In the last 2 months I've been in 9 different states, traveled over 3,500 miles, rescued The Girl from the Potomac cesspool, moved 12 metric tons of worthless shit halfway across this country, and have relocated to the one (non-Muslim) city that has more bullshit "government knows best" laws/ordinances than DC - I'm talkin' about Chicago ("Help me, I'm being oppressed"), Illinois.

I've got a new fortified stronghold, some fortified wine, a bunch of stories, a few new things that are pissing me off, and all the time in the world.

We're back in business, folks.

Limited Time Offal

2008-06-28T03:14:00.005-05:00

Since EVERYFUCKINGBODY crapped out on me for the Sludgeworth/Effigies show tonight (read: Friday night), I'm not sure you all will be interested in this following offering, but I'm gonna throw it out there anyhow.

I've got two (2) free tickets to the Alkaline Trio show this Thursday - They were just givin' 'em out at the Sludgeworth show. I'm not the biggest A3 fan, but I'm assuming that since they sell a bazillion records, that someone reading this might have some interest in seeing them play live for free.
(click on picture --to left-- for the fine-print)

Here's the deal: First person to ask gets the tickets, and they have to pick them up from me at my convenience.

Anyone?

BTW: All you dirty cocksuckers missed one of the greatest all-time sets tonight. Sludgeworth rocked it out. It was probably one of the 25 best shows that I've ever been to, and considering that I've been going to 3 or 4 shows a week since I was 15, that's saying something. You all should be ashamed - Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Flickr Rising

2008-06-25T23:53:00.003-05:00

In a half-assed effort to try and get my eLife back on track, I just posted almost one full page of photos up on my Flickr page. Plus, now I got a blog post out of posting the photos online. Score one for me.
Hurry up and get 'em while they're artsy.

What I'm Listening To - Summer 2008The End of an Error

2008-06-08T20:08:00.010-05:00

This is it kids; This is the final WILT. After three years and 11 previous WILTs, I'm deciding to kill-off the WILT and go back to doing random comps. I'll be making some of those mixes available up here on L&E, but the quarterly schedule and liner notes are gone.
Sorry, WILT; we had some really great times together, but now everything has changed and I think it's time that it would be best if I started making other mix-CDs. It was totally awesome while it lasted, and I'll always remember you when I'm flipping past the old WILT CDs in my Jeep looking for the newer hot-assed compilation.
Well then, look at the time, I really should be going. I'll see you around... Bye.Liner Notes:
1) The Travoltas - Pray for Sun
from the 2000 album Teenbeat
There's no better way to kick off summer than with a mouthful of Scandinavian bubblegum-pop. Here it is.

2) Dillinger Four - Maximum Piss & Vinegar
from the 2000 album Versus God
I'm all about D4 right now. I've been listening to their stuff on an unending loop. This here's a good one.

3) Grinderman - No Pussy Blues
from the 2007 Self-Titled album
Best. Song. Ever. This track is from last year's Nick Cave side-project - It is so good, it's scary. Plus, the video is pretty nifty - Check it out HERE.

4) The Network - Right Hand-A-Rama
from the 2003 album Money Money 2020
How could I not follow up "No Pussy Blues" with a song about masturbation? I really couldn't. Here's the boys from Green Day's dance-punk side-project - It gets extra summer points for a lifting a riff from Eddie Cochran's "Summertime Blues".

5) El-P - Up All Night
from the 2007 album I'll Sleep When You're Dead
Those kids sure do love the NYC hip-hop. Get your ass up off of that computer chair and out onto the dance floor.

6) Shiina Ringo - Torikoshi Gurou
from the 2004 album Karuki Zamen Kuri No Hana
I'd been saying for years that there was a surprising lack of Jew's harp in modern Japanese avant-garde jazz pop. Well, someone listened - Thank you Shiina Ringo.

7) The Raveonettes - You Want the Candy
from the 2008 album Lust Lust Lust
If songs could give you cavities, this one would be the Pixie-Stick wearing away your enamel and worming it's way down to the raw nerve.

8) The Jesus and Mary Chain - Between Planets
from the 1989 album Automatic
Here's a blast from the past that sounds just like all of the new hipster crap coming out right now. It was either this or Joy Division, but JAMC wins the award this cycle.

9) The Tim Version - Swinging Doors
from the 2003 album Prohibition Starts Tomorrow
I really dig these guys; they seem to be, musically, somewhere between Drag the River and Dillinger Four. Last comp got a D4esque song, this one gets a DtResque track.

10) Drag the River - Tobacco Fields
from the 2008 album You Can't Live This Way
Speaking of DtR, Here's a track from their last album.
Remember kids, your tobacco fields must be planted no closer than 15 feet from the entrance of any public building. Leave it to the fucking goody-goodies to ruin the last true American industry. Fucking twats.

11) Tiger Army - Where the Moss Slowly Grows
from the 2007 album Music From Regions Beyond
Moss can be grown within 15 feet of any public building... unless it happens to be exciting in any way - If so; that's a paddlin'.

12) Flatfoot 56 - This Town
from the 2006 album Knuckles Up
This song reminds me of a mix of Dropkick Murphys and Turbonegro, which is kinda funny when you consider that Faltfoot 56 is a South-Side Christian band. It takes all kinds, I guess.

13) Gogol Bordello - Ultimate
from the 2007 album Super Taranta!
I really need to find a place to see these guys where I'm allowed to smoke and drink frightening quantities of booze...
Dear Milwaukee-Fest,
Please consider Gogol Bordello for your festival this year. Please, please, please, please, please?
Love,
Liar

14) Fuckemos - Amputeen
from the 2001 album Airshow 2000
And they say that no one writes great love songs anymore? Piffle.

15) Bad Religion - Before You Die
from the 2007 album New Maps of Hell
Before I die, I really want to find a cure for suburban white kids that think that they're hard-core Englewood street thugs. Okay, one that doesn't involve .454 Casull hollow-points.

16) Turbonegro - Hot and Filthy
from the 2007 album Retox
You've gotta love those hot & filthy summer nights. If not, you're doing it wrong.

17) The KKK Took My Baby Away - Cool Millions
from the 2002 Ramones tribute The Song Ramones the Same
Yet another Dwarves side-project. Why the alias? I have no freaking idea -This is the only song that they've ever recorded under this moniker, and they've never bothered to clarify. It's awesome nonetheless.

18) Dr. Who on Holiday - Dean Gray
from the 2005 mash-up project American Edit
OMG; It's one of those super-scary mash-ups that are killing the music industry. Everybody panic!

19) The Queers - Punk Rock Girls
from the 1996 album Don't Back Down
See #16 and substitute 'punk rock girls' for 'summer nights' and 'them' for 'it'.

20) Teenage Bottlerocket - Wasting Time
from the 2008 album Warning Device
So far, "Warning Device" is by-far my favorite record of '08. Get yourselves some up in your ear-holes.

21) The Methadones - Getting Older/Losing Touch
from the 2007 album This Won't Hurt...
Quick question: Did you have to be 'in touch' before in order to 'lose touch'? Okay, I'm out.

22) Armchair Martian - Crestfallen
from the 2007 compilation Good Guys, Bad Band
Now that Drag the River is tits-up, I'm really hoping for a new Armchair Martin CD, ASAP. I've been saying that for the last 5 WILTs, and will continue to do so until the new record drops.

23) Bad Astronaut - Megan
from the 2003 Smoking Popes Tribute compilation
Here's a Bad Astronaut cover of a Smoking Popes tune. You probably already figured that out considering that I'm just rewriting information that was clearly stated above. Too bad, that's all I got.

24) Beasts of Bourbon - Evil Ruby
from the (out-of-print) 1984 album Axeman's Jazz
I've been listening to these guys again due to EdP's passing interest on the message boards. I'm a sucker like that. Wikipedophile says: "The Beasts of Bourbon's music has often been compared to that of a rougher Rolling Stones (whose 'Cocksucker Blues' they covered), The Gun Club (who they played with and who some Beasts filled in for) and The Birthday Party... Their music is a tough amalgam of country music, blues, rock and roll and punk parsed through the garage sound of The Stooges and the drunken mayhem of Australian pub rock. It often touches on themes of depravity, morbidity, despair, drug abuse and violence."
I'm not gonna argue.

25) Jason Webley - Train Tracks
from the 2002 album Counterpoint
This is my favorite track off of this WILT (with the possible exception of "No Pussy Blues"). I really want to grab a bunch of folks, sit out by a campfire drinking whiskey straight from the bottle, and listen to this track on repeat until the bottle's dry. Then we'll open another bottle and discuss the possibility of listening to another song. Sounds fucking great to me.

26) Ben Weasel - Summer's Always Gone too Soon
from the 2007 album These Ones are Bitter
Too true, Mr. Weasel, too true. And this comp is done now... and the WILT experiment... and these stupid fucking "liner notes"... all gone... bye-bye.

--END--

Here's the deal:
1) It's FREE
2) I'm only doing forty more of these (the first 10 went out at the bar last Saturday)
3) Shoot your mailing address to dclies(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll mail you out a copy

Indiana Jones and the Palace of the Virgin Fan-Boys

2008-05-22T02:30:00.001-05:00

Tonight I decided to catch the midnight showing of the new Indiana Jones flick because: A) I'm a total nerd-loser who has never touched boobies, and B) I don't have a damned place to be tomorrow morning - Suck it you counterrevolutionary wage-slaves of the bourgeoisie.

Since you "look at me, I'm gainfully employed" chumps aren't gonna see the movie until sometime this weekend, Here are a few ~~lies~~ plot-points to tide you over until you get a chance to see it for yourselves:

1) The whole film is played out using Lego figurines (screen shot above).

2) John Williams' musical score has been replaced by instrumental versions of Devo's "Whip It" played with varying intonations.

3) The entire second half of the film turns into a steamy AARP version of a late-night Cinemax soft-core porno featuring Indy and Marion. The only real action unfolds when a boulder rolls out from Marion's uncrossed thighs and chases Indy through the Fantasy Suites Hotel.

4) Jar-Jar Binks' skull figures heavily into the story-line and there are several references throughout to "the great Gungan race".

5) The short before the film is a 15 minute documentary on India narrated by Steven Spielberg extolling the great history and diverse culture of the Indian Republic. Several mentions are made to the fact that they do not, indeed, eat monkey brains, but it is pointed out that they do field a lot of the customer service calls for collection agencies, so if they'd just be cool about "Temple of Doom thing", we'd be willing to look the other way on that later travesty.

6) Short Round (now going by the name of Pol Pot) reappears in the new film and pleads with Indy to join his "Khmer People's Revolutionary Party".

7) Dramatic bare-knuckled boxing match between Henry "Indiana" Jones and Joseph "The Man of Steel" Stalin over the Aleutian Islands. Indy wins, but sustains several severe blows to the head - For the remainder of the film, he refers to Marion as "Adrian".

8) Turns out, Indy's fedora was, in fact, a symbiotic brain parasite who has been controlling his every word and action throughout the entire series.

9) In the end, the Crystal skull turns out to be a cheap forgery, readily available to tourists in Peru for 50 nuevo sols a pop. Indy and Joel Cairo decide to frame-up Wilmer Cook to take the fall for all of the mayhem which has ensued in pursuit of the worthless trinket. Reluctantly, Indy turns Marion over to the authorities for her hand in the death of Miles Archer.

10) Despite drinking from the holy grail at the end of "Last Crusade", Indy is obviously aging and his father has since passed. They explain this incongruity by revealing that there is no God, all of the Judeo-Christian mythos were hokum, and that dark wizards were responsible for all of the miraculous happenings in the first and third films.

---
By the way: There's no "stinger" at the end of the film. So you're free to urinate as soon as the credits start to roll (figuratively, of course, unless you're watching the movie on the South-Side; then literally).

Technical Difficulties

2008-05-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

L&E has come to a grinding halt due to an unforeseen technical glitch.
My PC Monitor is seriously on the fritz, and I'm too broke to have it fixed. Here's the deal: It keeps blacking out - Sometimes it takes over an hour, sometimes it's immediate. Nonetheless, after it blacks-out it rarely will come back unless I restart the computer or turn off the monitor for an hour or more. Even then, I can't expect more than a few minutes of work time before it blanks-out again.
If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

From the "Bad Ideas That Sound Good When You're Really Fucking High" File

2008-05-08T21:35:00.006-05:00

HOUSTON -- Three teenagers are accused of digging up a corpse, removing the head and using the skull as a bong to smoke marijuana, Houston police said

Matthew Richard Gonzalez and Kevin Wade Jones, both 17, and their 16-year-old friend were arrested Wednesday and charged with abuse of a corpse.

Police said the trio told investigators they dug up a body from an Humble area cemetery in March, decapitated it and converted the head into a marijuana pipe....

LINK

All you need to know is that all involved were from Texas and home-schooled. Enough said.

An Open Letter to Senator Hillary Clinton

2008-05-05T17:12:00.004-05:00

Senator Clinton,

Please refrain from using any further "Rocky" comparisons. You are not a half-retarded Philly street fighter. Plus, if you had bothered to watch the film, you'd know that at the end of the film Rocky loses in a split-decision to the charismatic, media obsessed, black man. Seriously.
That kind simplistic comparison may fly in Pennsylvania where the populous is too busy booing at professional sporting events to even bother to remember the names of their children, but the rest of the nation is giggling behind your back. It really is some funny shit.
If you feel some driving need to compare yourself to a specific character portrayed by Sylvester Stalone (who, by the way, has already endorsed McCain), I'd recommend Marion Cobretti, Lincoln Hawk, or Judge Dread.

Yours in Christ,
The Liar

Obamania

2008-04-29T02:58:00.006-05:00

Mania: An irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action.There's a lot of noise in the media about the three Abercrombie dudes standing behind Obama durring his Pennsylvania concession speech in Indiana. I really don't think that it was staged. I watched that speech live on MSNBC, and as I was watching it unfold live I had two thoughts:
a) Yup, that's fucking Indiana.
b) Yup, those are Obama supporters.
Wake up - THAT'S HIS BASE!
Senator Obama has become the 'livestrong' bracelet/pink ribbon/labradoodle of 2008. He's become a mall-culture messiah of the vapid masses. He's the black friend for everyone who wouldn't be caught dead in a black neighborhood. He's the hot new icon for the Abercrombie generation - All style, zero substance - A cotton-candy fart wrapped in the hopes and dreams of every American Idol superfan. He's the Che Guevara that you can bring home to grandma - A gen-u-wine black guy raised by god-fearing Kansas white-folk.
It would be offensive if it weren't so god-damned ironic.

I worked with Obama's Senate office on several issues back in DC. They were fucking useless unless you had media coverage, or got Durbin's office to do all of the heavy-work. Clinton's office wasn't much better, but were dependable on several assorted issues. McCain's office was highly-accessible, but always managed to torpedo everything you were asking for in mark-up.
From my experience, I'm not wild about any of 'em, but at least the other two had the courtesy to pretend that they gave a shit about the legislative process.
I have two friends working on the Obama campaign right now; one is a good friend in a very high position. I love her, but I'm just not buying "the cause". I'm also not buying Croc clogs, the new Counting Crows CD, or recycled cruelty-free toilet tissue. That must just be me.

I'm not saying that he's any worse than the other two ass-clowns running for president, but there's no reason to think that he's any better. You just think he is because everyone in your inspirational book-club tells you so.
Do the fucking homework, people! The last time everyone voted with their hearts rather than their brains for a way-under-qualified pseudo-politician we got stuck with Bush II (TWICE!!!), and we all know how well that worked out for all of us.
Regardless, the American people are gonna head back into the voting booths in about six months and pick the next President of the United States of America.
God help us all.

An Open Letter to the Hop-Toads of Northern Illinois

2008-04-24T14:41:00.007-05:00

Dear Hop-Toads,

Stay out of the damned pool. You guys realize that you totally can't swim, right? That's why I keep having to fish 6 or 7 of you guys out with a strainer every damned night. Seriously, there's a pond less than 200 feet away that's not a total death-trap. Plus, I've heard that that's the place for freaky-dirty toad sex. Not the swiming pool. You guys are almost as bad as those damned uppity tree frogs that keep setting up house in the sodding jacuzzi. Cut it out!
Please take this into account for future reference.

Sincerly,
The Liar

Crime (Fighters) & Punisher

2008-04-16T21:25:00.007-05:00

2008 looks to be a bumper year for comic book geeks; we've got Iron Man, Speedracer, Hellboy II, another Hulk film, Batman: The Dark Knight, and the long-awaited Watchmen film all set to drop in '08.

Not bad, but the one film that has piqued my interest more than all of those combined is the Punisher: War Zone movie. No, really.Growing up as a kid in the 80s, there was no cooler superhero than the Punisher. He didn't have superpowers, he wasn't some rich weirdo that hung out with little boys, he didn't bother with an alter-ego, and he actually KILLED people... lots of people.
The Punisher was the only comic book I regularly followed in the 1980s. Later on, I got into the Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, and Frank Miller stuff, but as a kid, Punisher was #1.

For those who don't know, here's the story of the Punisher in a nutshell:
Frank was a Vietnam war-hero. Frank witnessed his family being murdered by the Mafia. Frank went ape-shit crazy, dressed up in body armor, called himself "the Punisher", started killing criminals, took their money to buy guns and explosives, turned around and killed more criminals (repeat).
End of story. He was the perfect Regan-era underwear-pervert.

What kills me is that what should be the easiest comic book to turn into a movie has yielded two ripe turds of films. I mean how fucking hard is it? War-vet goes crazy and starts killing criminals - This ain't fucking rocket-surgery, people! Just watch 'Taxi Driver' three times and put a skull-suit on Travis Bickle. Done.
Well, I'm hoping like hell that they get it right this time. They have Titus Pullo playing the Punisher and it's being directed by the woman who did Green Street Hooligans. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Regardless, I'm sure that it'll be a hell of a lot less disappointing than the Watchmen flick - Bastards.

Oh Gundy, Where Art Thou?

2008-04-15T21:08:00.005-05:00

Every time I've tried to access the Gunderblog over the last week or so, all I've gotten is this:

Not Found

The requested URL /blog/index.php was not found on this server.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.

Apache/1.3.37 Server at www.craiggunderson.com Port 80

---

Finger-pain?!? I thought I was gettin' gum.

Awesomeness, Thy Name Is Nick Cave

2008-04-13T18:44:00.004-05:00

Check out this video for the title track from the brand new Nick Cave album Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!. I'm digging it (and the new look) - Swank.

Grenadier Sing the Hits of Grenadier

2008-04-09T11:20:00.009-05:00

Grenadier - Self-Titled Album
(c) 2008 - Ubique UCD4
myspace.com/grenadier

One of the most awkward experiences in modern life is when a friend gives you his/her band's new CD to listen to. 4 out of 5 times it's gonna end poorly if you don't lie like hell and tap your vocabulary for every single euphemism that you've ever learned. Then (since it's your friend) you keep listening to the album until you have songs like the Floating Basement's "When Mamaluke is at the Beach" running through your head in the middle of Congressional appropriations hearings and other assorted inopportune moments.
It ain't a good thing.

A couple of weekends ago P-Dawg handed me the new Grenadier album. I liked their 2005 album Hand Offensive, so I was optimistic about this one - I popped it into the CD player while The Girl drove my loaded ass home, and then promptly forgot about it for a couple of weeks. Last night I decided to give it a fair (read: sober) listen, and I was blown away.
Hand Offensive was good, but seemed to wander all over the map. This new album is fucking SOLID - It has a laser-beam straight focus and kicks it out from the get-go. It is one of the best examples of American Power-Pop since Weezer's 'Blue Album' or Redd Kross' 'Phaseshifter'.

This new album plays like the distilled history of the Power-Pop movement. Two parts Elvis Costello, one part The Jam, one part Big Star, one part Cheap Trick, one part The Replacements, one part Redd Kross, with a pinch of Glam Rock (The Sweet/Slade/Roxy Music), and a touch of Indie-Noise (Jesus and Mary Chain/My Bloody Valentine). Throw all of that together and you have something totally new, and absolutely brilliant.
The only real departure from that formula is track #3, 'Ghost Child', which has a balls-out 1980's Australian pub-rock (Beasts of Bourbon/Gun Club) feel to it.
Good stuff, to be sure.

All-in-all 'Grenadier' is definitely worth picking up, and will be in my personal rotation for a while. I just hope that they can get out and book some shows soon with some bigger Chicago bands so that this record doesn't pass under the radar.
P-Dawg handed me this disc at the MOTO/Methadones show at Otto's, and it's a damned shame that they weren't on the bill that night. Woulda been a perfect fit - C'mon guys, get on it.

Track Listing:
1. Tolerance
2. Look at Me
3. Ghost Child
4. Poor Little Baby
5. See Run Boy
6. Secret
7. Public Now
8. Leave 'em Ringin'

It's Always the Blogs That Suffer

2008-04-08T23:01:00.001-05:00

I'm still spending most of my time trying to find gainful employment, but have had a few breaks within the last couple of weeks. The placement agency that I signed with is starting to feed me several leads every day, it looks like I have a line on an awesome apartment in the West Loop, and The Girl is holding off on moving for yet another month, so I can get situated.
Everything seems to be coming together, but I really haven't had time (or subject matter) for the blog. I'm going to try and fix that - Keep an eye out here and on Killing for Sports for a couple of posts over the next couple of days.

A New High In Low

2008-04-03T23:23:00.004-05:00

It finally happened.
I found myself buying a lottery ticket at the liquor store today.

Liquor Store + Lottery Ticket = Oh Crap.

Them's Jokes

2008-04-02T00:05:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
Now I have to stop fooling around and find a job.

Easy Come Home, Easy Go Away

2008-04-01T00:18:00.005-05:00

Good news - Bad news:
I'm going to be starting a new job on the 15th of this month - Out in Portland, Oregon.
I've been looking for a job for a few months back in Illinois and haven't had much luck, so last week when I got a great offer to go out to work on the West coast, I decided that I had to take it.

I'm going to be heading out there next Thursday and am going to try like hell to find an apartment within 5 days.

Wish me luck.

Glitch Slap-or-Why I Suddenly Hate Spike Jones

2008-03-25T22:59:00.009-05:00

Fucking technology; stupid me.
Earlier tonight I discovered an incredibly stupid glitch in Windows Media Player. This weekend I picked up a Spike Jones 3 CD set out of the WalMart bargain bin on a whim. When I ripped it to my EHD, the artwork for the first 2 discs downloaded, but not the third. Instead of finding the artwork online and pasting it manually, I clicked on the "update info" WMP function. It updated that disc and (for some fucking reason) replaced about 1/5th of my files with that same artwork. Now about 750 of my files have the image (below) as their album art:Arrrrrrggggghhhhh!
I'm way too anal-retentive to ignore it, and this will drive me mad until I get everything back to the way it's supposed to be. Of course all of the files that were replaced were those that were not in the WMP library. We're talking about obscure Japanese punk comps, vinyl transfers, self-produced CDs, out-of-print crap, promotional discs, etc. Essentially, it's all of the stuff that it took me forever to find the graphics for the first time around.
Something that took about 2 seconds to happen is going to take about 65 hours to fix. Seriously.
The final kick in the nuts? The CD set is of such unbelievably crappy production that it is virtually unlistenable.
I know, I know, I know - WalMart, $7 box-set, Windows Media Player - I was totally asking for it. Bite me.
That doesn't matter. I'm about 6 shots of tequila away from driving out to California, defecating on Jones' grave, stealing the headstone, driving North to Washington, and hurling it through the front windows of Microsoft's main building. That might seem excessive, but should take up less time than it will to fix the fucking problem itself.
Cocksuckers.

Game Plan

2008-03-20T15:38:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow before the Effigies/Methadones/M.O.T.O. show, ~~Dena's planning on either doing a BBQ out at her dad's place or pizza at Annex (if the weather sucks)~~ we're doing pizza at Annex around 7ish.

Shoot me an e-mail/text or give me a call and I'll keep you in the loop

What I'm Listening To - Spring 2008

2008-03-16T14:18:00.001-05:00

Here it is... finally.
I'm half-assing the liner notes and letting the music speak for itself. Liner Notes:
1) Teenage Bottlerocket - Gave You My Heart
from the 2008 album Warning Device
Here's a habenero up the pooper to kick off the new WILT from the brand new Teenage Bottlerocket record. These guys are going to be playing Reggie's on the 29th of March and I'm damned sure that I'll be there.

2) The Queers - Another Girl
from the 1996 album Don't Back Down
That bubblegum pop is mighty sweet. I can't get enough

3) Ben Weasel - First Day of Spring
from the 2007 album These Ones are Bitter
It's Ben Weasel. You're either gonna love it or hate it. I, for one, love it.

4) The Travoltas - Alright
from the 2000 album Teenbeat
Marky Ramone (who produced the previous Travoltas album) called this band "Pure Americana". They're from Holland. Stupid foreign bands coming from overseas and stealing all of our Americana. Hell, they do it so well, I'm about ready to outsource all of our pop music.

5) Tim Armstrong - Into Action
from the 2007 album A Poet's Life
Let me introduce you to your official theme-song for every Friday night after you hear this song. This is it.

6) Tōkyō Jihen - Burakuautto
from the 2006 album Adult Pour Femme
This is Shiina Ringo's new project with Seiji Kameda. For a sample of her solo work skip to track #22

7) The Network - Roshambo
from the 2003 album Money Money 2020
Yup, It's yet another Green Day side project - This time it's synth-pop dance rock. Trust me, it's awesome.

8) El-P - Flyentology
from the 2007 album I'll Sleep When You're Dead
I'll be the first to admit that the one aspect of my music collection that is sorely lacking is the rap/hip-hop genres. Then again, most hip-hop albums don't feature members from the Mars Volta and Cat Power. I picked this one up after reading a rave review in Wired magazine, and I'm digging it. This track is a collaboration with Trent Reznor.

9) The Raveonettes - Dead Sound
from the 2008 album Lust Lust Lust
This is the track that I'd been waiting on to get this WILT out. It was so worth it.

10) Armchair Martian - Son of Jeff
from the 2007 compilation Good Guys, Bad Band
Now that Drag the River is dead, I can't wait for some new Armchair Martian. Until then, here's a track that was originally on their 2000 release, Hang On Ted.

11) Foetus - Mon Agonie Douce (JG Thirlwell remix)
from the 2008 album Vein
I've been loading up the last few mixes with a load of Thirlwell tracks (Foetus, Wiseblood, Manorexia, Steroid Maximus, etc.), Lucky you. This is a great remix of a track off of the Love album. Crank it up and roll down that window.

12) Gogol Bordello - Tribal Connection
from the 2007 album Super Taranta!
I'm digging these guys so hard right now. I'm just enjoying 'em until the band implodes - The lead singer is starring in Madonna's directorial debut. That can't be a good sign.

13) Tiger Army - Spring Forward
from the 2007 album Music From Regions Beyond
Rockabilly and Spring go together like crucified Jesus and chocolate bunnies.

14) The Tim Version - March 22nd is National "Quit Your Job Day"
from the 2003 album Prohibition Starts Tomorrow
This album is one of the best surprises I've tripped across lately. It goes from D4esque punk to alt-country and right back again. I'm looking to pick up some of their other albums, and hope that they're half as good as this one.

15) The Replacements - God Damn Job
from the 1982 EP Stink
I need a god damned job - That just about sums it all up.

16) Turbonegro - Do You Do You Dig Destruction?
from the 2007 album Retox
More death-punk from everyone's favorite King Diamond meets Tom's of Finland looking motherfuckers. It's a good thing.

17) Bad Religion - Prodigal Son
from the 2007 album New Maps of Hell
This track has gotten pushed from the previous two WILTS and landed here. Actually, this almost got bumped off of this one for a track from the new Flogging Molly album, but was given a last-minute reprieve. It's a good track and deserves better than that.

18) The Arrivals - Failure
from the 2006 compilation Protect
I really have to pick up the new Arrivals record. In my defense, I wasn't sure if they released anything after that turd of a second album, but upon a quick Google search it looks like they got a new one out last year. Look for something off of that record in future comps if I pick it up and if it's good. Wow, that's a lot of 'ifs' - For now enjoy this comp track.

19) The Methadones - Already Gone
from the 2007 album This Won't Hurt...
All-you-all better be out for the Methadones show at Otto's this Friday. Seriously.

20) Against Me! - Borne On the FM Waves of the Heart
from the 2007 album New Wave
This track gets the full "Butch Vig" treatment from their new producer. I really like this track, but it's amazing that this is the same band that released Against Me! Is Reinventing Axl Rose. It's a slippery slope, but for now they're dancing on the edge.

21) Wolf Parade - You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son
from the 2005 album Apologies to the Queen Mary
"I was a hero early in the morning - I ain't no hero in the night"

22) Shiina Ringo - Meisai
from the 2004 album Karuki Zamen Kuri No Hana
The literal translation for this album title is "Lime, Semen, Chestnut Blossoms".
No, really.

23) Flatfoot 56 - Same Ol' Story
from the 2007 album Jungle of the Midwest Sea
Spiritual Celtic punk from the South side of Chicago? Sign me up - It's good stuff. No shit.

24) Drag the River - Death of the Life of the Party
from the 2008 album You Can't Live This Way
This song is essentially the self-eulogy for Drag the River from their final record.

--end--

Here's the deal:
1) It's FREE
2) I'm only doing fifty (50) of these
3) Shoot your mailing address to dclies(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll mail you out a copy
4) The first batch is going out to anyone at the Effigies/Methadones/M.OT.O. show at Otto's on Friday. The second batch should go out sometime the following week.

Super-Secret Show

2008-03-14T16:58:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be out of town tomorrow night.
I'm totally pissed that I'm going to miss this show:
Doesn't sound familliar?
Google it.

Panic Button

2008-03-12T22:37:00.007-05:00

Recently I've been neglecting the blog. I know it.
I've spent most of my time trying to find a job back here in Illinois, and it's taking a lot longer than I had anticipated. I really need to find something in the next month or I'm going to be in a world of trouble, so I've been in overdrive lately.
I'm going to try and get a few posts that I've been working out in my head up here soon, but until then, enjoy yet another squirrel pic that The Girl sent me:
Superb.

Setting the Bar Higher

2008-03-10T10:24:00.012-05:00

Joey Rats & the Vatican City Rollers have just revised the cardinal sins... and just as I had mastered all of the old ones. Ain't that always the way.

Here are the new seven:
Polluting
Genetic Engineering
Being Obscenely Rich
Drug Dealing
Abortion
Pedophilia
Causing Social Injustice

I'm appalled. It used to be that the capital vices were within the reach of everyone - Hell, you could whip through all seven between your 3rd and 9th Jager Bomb shots on any given night. Now most of the cardinal sins are only within the reach of Robb Report subscribers. Seriously, How is the average person supposed to get tanked on tequila shooters and wake up the next morning only to realize that they had inadvertently engineered a totalitarian army of human/chinchilla chimeras in their stupor? It just isn't fair.
I'm going to need a serious influx of cash to actualize a few of these sins. I'd better get cracking on "The Liar's Cocaine and Abortion Emporium" if I want to even sniff #3.

The only bright spot? The potential David Fincher film for the revised SE7EN should be freaking awesome.

A Near Death Experience

2008-03-06T23:08:00.002-06:00

One of my very good friends recently started up a new blog. It deals with her work as a forensic investigator out West, and is absolutely fascinating.
I can't tell you who she is (due to the sensitive nature of her blog), but I can say that most of you know her.

Check it out. Here's the LINK.

Triple Fuck the Rev

2008-03-05T12:06:00.004-06:00

Man, I am so pissed off at Record Revolution in DeKalb.
About a month ago I started to put together the Spring '08 WILT mix. Right now most of my music collection is packed up in a series of boxes, so I'm only using my "new" CDs that I've purchased in the last six months. It's a pretty good mix, but I decided that it could use a few more sources, so I went through a couple the 7DA boxes and cherry-picked about 25 used CDs to trade in for some new stuff. All the discs were in excellent condition (mostly unplayed promos), and were all in-demand titles that should sell pretty quickly (emo-core, pop-punk, indie-rock, etc.). I made a point to pick out the ones that I thought that I could get the most in trade for.
A few weeks ago I stopped by the Rev on Saturday - They had up a sign that they had closed early. Fuck. No big deal - I'll just head back tomorrow.
The next day I was there right when they opened - First one in. Bobo greeted me with "We don't buy discs on Sunday."
I just turned straight around and walked out befuddled.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
I know that the bread and butter of record stores are used CDs - You buy 'em (on average) for 2 or 3 bucks a disc, and sell 'em for 7 or 8 dollars. Used CDs are 200% profit. On new CDs and vinyl you're lucky to break even with over-head. To not buy good used CDs at any given opportunity is fucking insane.
I cruised around with the box of CDs in the back of my Jeep for another week and was driving past the Rev on Friday when I decided to give it one last shot. The kid behind the counter told me that only the owner can buy CDs and that If I wanted to sell back my CDs that I would have to make an appointment.
Fuck that. I was just trying to support the local scene, and kept getting jerked around. I hadn't shopped there since 1996, and can't imagine any reason for doing so ever again. I'm amazed that they are still in business - Give it a couple of years. They're fucking doomed, and as soon as they go tits-up I'll be right there to do a celebratory jig in front of the vacant storefront.

Anyway, I'm heading up to Reckless Records in Chicago this afternoon to trade in my box 'o' discs for some new stuff (I sure do hope that I don't need an appointment to sell used CDs there). So the new WILT should be ready sometime in the next week or so. If you want to complain about the delay, feel free to call up Record Rev at (815) 756-6242.
Bastards.

Because I Didn't Like the Original Flyer

2008-03-04T20:17:00.006-06:00

I just made my own. Feel free to download full-sized and print out 100 or so copies to post around town.I'm just putting this info up here for web searches:

The Effigies
The Methadones
Masters of the Obvious (M.O.T.O.)
@
Otto's DeKalb, IL
March 21st, 2008

Heads Up

2008-03-03T23:15:00.004-06:00

This concert is gonna be freakin' awesome.
Be there.

I Got Nuthin

2008-02-28T23:43:00.004-06:00

I really don't have anything worth posting about... seriously.
Nothing - Nada - Zilch.
All I have is this humorous picture of a squirrel that The Girl found somewhere on the interwebs:Hope you enjoyed that.

Contested

2008-02-26T02:40:00.007-06:00

The first person who can name the source picture for the new L&E banner (above) will win one of 3 super-awesome prizes (you choose).

Send all guesses to dcles(at)gmail.com along with your mailing address.
---

UPDATE
Ladies & gentlemen, we have a weiner:
Ms. Janxgirl85 called it, and has chosen to receive the complete collection of pre-WILT mix CDs. Now I just have to burn those 25 comps and get 'em in the mail.
Thanx for playing.

The image is from the 1928 silent film The Man Who Laughs.
HERE'S a post that I did on that film just about 1 year ago.

Printer Solstice

2008-02-25T16:14:00.003-06:00

I just got a new printer. I'm pretty excited.

That's just how lame I am.

Freedom À La Carte

2008-02-23T01:14:00.001-06:00

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about stripping the Second Amendment from the Bill of Rights.
That's totally not retarded - Let's go through the whole damned document and see where we could cut some more fat:

First Amendment – Establishment clause, freedom of religion, speech, press, and peaceable assembly as well as the right to petition the government.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Any Fox News analyst could tell you that every religion other than fundamentalist Christianity is destroying the nation, and that free speech makes America cry. Plus, the government has way more important things to worry about without your pitiful little criticisms, or your gay-assed little rallies. Get over it.

Second Amendment – Right to keep and bear arms.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Guns kill people, therefore the only entities who should own guns are a) the Government, b) their "peace" officers, and c) any criminal who isn't interested in following arbitrary laws.

Third Amendment – Protection from quartering of troops.
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Our country could save some big bucks if instead of spending the big money on housing for troops they could just bunk-up in your guest bedroom. Thanks - It's appreciated.

Fourth Amendment – Protection from unreasonable search and seizure.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
We all know that you're hiding something. Luckily, we have the 101st airborne shacked up in your rumpus room - They can check it out for us. That's the only way we can be sure that you aren't in possession of any deadly .22 squirrel rifles.

Fifth Amendment – Due process, double jeopardy, self-incrimination, eminent domain.
No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
All your base are belong to the Government. Oh, and we can keep laying our bullshit charges against you and take any measures we see fit until we get a retarded enough jury-pool to make that crap stick.

Sixth Amendment – Trial by jury and other rights of the accused.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.
The government tribunal is your peer. Plus, we totally heard that some guy said that you were a child-molesting terrorist. GUILTY!

Seventh Amendment – Civil trial by jury.
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Oh, and that same guy said that you destroyed his priceless art collection while making bombs and buggering pre-schoolers. Pay up.

Eighth Amendment – Prohibition of excessive bail, as well as cruel and unusual punishment.
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
You are so guilty that it would be like a bajillion and two dollars to get out on bail. And since you pointed out that a "bajillion" isn't a real monetary value, we're gonna shove this red-hot poker even further up your ass.

Ninth Amendment – Protection of rights not specifically enumerated in the Bill of Rights.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
I don't see anything in this rag against positing those awesome red-hot poker pics I took of you up on Rotten.com.

Tenth Amendment – Powers of states and people.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
The government knows what is best for you. To disagree is treason.

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."
-Richard Jackson (or Ben Franklin, depending on who you believe)-

Babies Like Strippers, Right?

2008-02-21T22:43:00.008-06:00

On December 8th I ordered a couple of gifts for my 1 year-old nephew. I was going to be responsible and get that one thing out of the way before I started my whole moving fiasco. This is that story:
Taking a cue from Kaka, I decided to get the kid a couple of UglyDolls. I figured that plush toys were the way to go, and the more unique they are, the more memorable they should be in the long-run. Yeah, He's only 1, but babies love stuffed toys - I know I did. My mom kept all of those toys and whenever I look at 'em a flood of memories comes flooding back over me. It's still kinda cool.

Anyway, I made the order back in early December directly from the UglyDoll site so that it'd be sure to arrive before the holidays. It never showed.
Turns out, they'd shipped the package to a P.O. box using FedEx - That doesn't work. The package got lost in shipping limbo. After the holidays I called up their customer service department. They apologized profusely and re-shipped the package... to the post office... with FedEx... again. Seriously.
It still hadn't arrived by the middle of January, so I shot a series of e-mails to the customer service department. They kindly offered to refund my money and re-ship out the order gratis with a bunch of extras throw in for my trouble; which I thought was very nice, except... By the beginning of this month, I still hadn't received a refund to my account, or a package of any sort from 'em. Nothing; nada.
I called up customer service yet again on the 5th of this month and pleaded with them just to credit my checking account before I had to close it out on the 15th. I'm pretty sure the customer service girl didn't take that job to deal with a near-hysterical 32 year-old man on the verge of tears, so she wasn't gonna argue.
"...I'm incredibly sorry sir, we'll credit the account and ship out another package immediately."
"You keep saying that. [sobbing] Quit saying that unless you really mean it."
"We'll get this sorted out right now."
"Seriously? For true? DON"T SHIP IT FED EX!"
Amazingly, a credit for $47 appeared on my checking account on the 14th - One day before I was scheduled to leave back for IL. I was so happy that I almost fell outta the computer chair. I could close out my DC checking account and not lose that credit.
One promise down...

Yesterday the package finally arrived.
It took 2 months and 2 weeks to finally get the order - I ripped into it with disbelief, and...
THE ORDER WAS WRONG!?!
I had ordered 2 full-sized UglyDolls and they sent me one full-sized doll and one fucking key-chain.
ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?
NO, REALLY, ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?
Calm down; you got the credit back - itwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfree...

So, I'm heading out to visit the nephew tomorrow, and I need another gift quick. So I head out to Wal-Mart at 11PM tonight for a last-minute stop-gap gift. I spent 45 solid minutes roaming through the toy aisles, wherein devised up my theorem that all babies must be extraordinarily boring and/or gay. There wasn't one fucking age-appropriate thing in that whole fucking store that I wouldn't be mortally fucking embarrassed to have in my house. When the kid turns 6, his uncle is gonna come through big-time, but for now the kid is so much better than all the crap they're peddling for babies.
The only things I found that were even sorta cool that weren't way out of his age-range were the Doodle Pirates, but buying a baby something called a "doodle pirate" seemed like a sure-fire way to end up on a government watch-list. I wasn't gonna fall for that trap.
I was heading out when I stumbled across a bunch of really cool fuzzy little plush toys of rabbits, squirrels, beavers, and other assorted wildlife... for dogs. I stood there for a good 5 minutes eying a plush wild turkey and noodling over how my sister-in-law would react to me bringing a basket full 'o' Fido's Pride brand chew toys for her baby. I decided against it.
I headed home, dejected.
When I got back I decided to check Amazon to see what I could find. I found the missing UglyDoll shipped directly from Amazon for $5 less. Score. I picked out a second UglyDoll so that I could get free shipping, and (in the end) the 2 dolls came out to ten bucks less than ordering directly from the manufacturer. So I got the refund, and the kid is getting 3 UglyDolls for less than what I was gonna pay for two. Everybody wins (sorta).

I bet that that package gets soooo lost. Bastards.

John McWho?

2008-02-20T22:36:00.004-06:00

Did anyone have any idea that John McCain was in Sugar Grove (IL) tonight for an Oberweis fund-raiser?
Well he was.
I had no idea until I got the invite about a half-hour beforehand. I still haven't seen anything in the media. I'm just amazed that the (default) Republican nominee could head into Illinois and no one seems to care or notice.

Huh.

What The Flickr?

2008-02-19T22:23:00.004-06:00

I threw up a handful of random photos up on my Flickr page. This should serve as a warning to everyone that booze and photography make strange bedfellows, indeed.

Garmin Electra

2008-02-17T21:17:00.006-06:00

The Girl just gave me a Garmin Nüvi on the expressed condition that I never make her navigate anywhere ever again. This last trip back from DC I had a chance to road-test it. I gotta say, it's pretty fucking sweet.
I've made that trip about 20 times, so I didn't really need the map function, but I was all about was the statistics function. I became obsessed with raising my "overall average" and keeping the "time stopped" to a minimum.
My obsessing allowed the time to fly by and I made the trip in record time - 10 hours and 45 minutes. From the start (leaving DC at 10AM), the device called the estimated time of arrival as 7:48 (central time) - I thought the thing was fucking nuts. I've never made the trip in less than 11 hours and 15 minutes, but the Garmin called it within 3 minutes from the get-go. How, I have no idea.
My proudest accomplishment was keeping my stopped time down to 22 minutes - That includes time stopped at traffic signals, in traffic, and fuel/bathroom breaks (3 each). Impressive.

I can't wait to take it out and test the map function.
Cartography rulz!
---
Here's the Garmin breakdown of the DC to Illinois trip:
745.3 miles
Total Trip Time: 10 hrs. 45 min.
Moving Time: 10 hrs. 24min.
Time Stopped: 21 min. 46 sec.
Max Speed: 85.9 mph
Moving Average: 71.7 mph
Overall Average 69.3 mph

Heading Home

2008-02-16T07:17:00.004-06:00

I've gotten everything wrapped-up here in DC, and am driving back to Illinois this morning so that I miss the ice storm tomorrow.

Here I come.

Steve Kazmierczak

2008-02-15T02:03:00.009-06:00

The Chicago Tribune hasn't "released" the name of the NIU shooter, but if you follow the leads in THIS article, THIS has to be the guy.
---
HERE'S something else I dug up.
Weird.
---
I think I may have found the guy's Live Journal page. By searching his UIUC alias (sans "2"), I found this (skazmie.livejournal.com/).
I really wouldn't paste that link if I were you - The page seemes really wiggy, my SpyBot and StopScript programs started going nuts when I checked it out, which led to the Blue Screen of Death. It might just be Vista being Vista, but I don't trust it.
All you need to know is that the user name is "steve... kaz. ..." & it's titled "Emo-Sexual Blog".
Seriously.

Update: It looks like this one was a false-positive. Sorry, Emo-Sexual Blog - Keep on keeping on.
---
Clarification:
I went to school in DeKalb and still have a bunch of friends back there (some who work for the university), but I never knew the shooter (nor would I want to).
I just put together some clues that were being floated by various media sources early this morning. I cannot vouch for the validity of any of the aforementioned sites or any sites mentioned in the comment field.
I just happened to be awake at 3AM, did a few simple web searches, and posted what I found - That's it.

Nothing Says "Valentines Day" Like Logistics

2008-02-14T22:49:00.004-06:00

I finally got everything wrapped-up back here in DC. Now I'm just waiting for the weather to clear (and this damned head-cold to dissipate) before driving the 12 hours back to Illinois.

I'm thinking that'll happen either Saturday or Sunday.

The Liar's Answers To All Tech Questions

2008-02-13T03:10:00.007-06:00

I just had to make up a list of simple answers to any and all comp-tech questions for first-time computer owner, Mr. Drinky Joe.
Here it is:

A) Yeah, It'll do that.

B) Make sure that it's plugged in/turned on.

C) If it looks like it's gonna catch fire, carefully unplug it and place it on the front lawn.

D) If the computer gains self-awareness, under no circumstance should you allow it to compete with you for the love of a woman, instigate a thermonuclear war with the U.S.S.R., or establish a sentient machine army to overthrow the human race.

E) For any other scenario, just ask anyone else under the age of 65 who's sober and/or "Jeeves".

That just about covers it.

Voting For Winners Is For Losers

2008-02-12T17:03:00.005-06:00

Part of my timing in going back to DC when I did was so that I could vote in the Maryland primary today. It didn't help that less than 12 hours after I landed at BWI my preferred candidate dropped out of the race.
The golden lining: I got to vote with my heart rather than my brain.
I'm officially a proud Ron Paul voter. Granted, he's a total nut-job, but he's my kind of total nut-job. I fucking love the nut-jobs. Keep in mind that I'm possibly the only registered Republican who voted for Ralph Nader in 2000 and 2004 - both times out of spite.
Back in 2000 I was crushed that we got Bush II instead of Powell or McCain, and I sure as shit wasn't gonna cast a vote that would make PMRC Tipper the first lady.
In 2004 I was fed-up with G-Dub and appalled at the ineptitude of the Kerry campaign. I voted for Ralph just to egg him on.

This year I really liked Romney. I felt that he alone had the wherewithal to clean up the huge fucking mess that Georgie the second has left this nation in. I wasn't thrilled at his pandering to the right-wing (not that it did him a bit of good), but was convinced that he'd go back into Massachusetts Governor mode just in time for the general election.
Rev. God-boy Huckster blew that all to hell - Just like those twisters blew the hell out of the Super-Tuesday states he carried.
Holy shit; God is a Mormon - Who knew?

Anyway... I sorta like McCain, but I think that he's the wrong guy at the wrong time for the nation. I have a load of respect for Hillary, but I'm not excited by any means. And don't even get me started on Obama unless you get a six-pack in me and sign a release-waiver.
I hear that Nader's planning on running again this year - He just might get my "fuck you" vote for the 3rd presidential election in a row.

That should be good for a laugh.

February

2008-02-11T15:19:00.000-06:00

Holy shit! I haven't posted a damned thing yet this month.
I totally suck.

Here's the deal: I'm taking a hiatus from running around northern Illinois and am back in DC for a week to change Drinky Joe's litter and wrap-up some other loose ends.
I plan on driving back to Chicago sometime either Friday or Saturday (weather permitting), then I'll get back to trying to find gainful employment and a place to live.
Until then; bottoms up.

Limited Time Offal

2008-01-30T21:43:00.001-06:00

In the new Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode, Three sirens move into the old ATHF house and Carl tries to make nice with the new neighbors.

...oh, and the sirens are Neko Case, Kelly Hogan, and John Kruk.
Awesome.

You can watch the whole episode HERE (in 2 parts).
This episode will be up until Friday or Saturday, and then the link will expire - So, Hurry.

Tivo Alert

2008-01-29T19:03:00.002-06:00

For those of you fortunate enough to possess a DVR, listen up. Tomorrow during the day, TCM is gonna be a freaking jackpot of awesome. All day long they're gonna be playing a bunch of great old B-Horror films, including the superb lost classic, Spider Baby, featuring a teenage Sid Haig decked out in a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit.

Here's the schedule:

6:45am - The Terror (1963)
A lost soldier discovers a mysterious beauty haunting a half-deserted castle.
Cast: Boris Karloff, Jack Nicholson, Sandra Knight. Dir: Roger Corman. C-79 mins

8:15am - Horror Castle (1963)
A Holocaust survivor tortures women in the dungeons of an ancient castle.
Cast: Rosanna Podesta, Georges Riviere, Christopher Lee. Dir: Antonio Margheriti. C-84 mins

9:45am - The Castle of the Living Dead (1964)
A traveling circus entertains a medieval count who uses them in his bizarre experiments.
Cast: Christopher Lee, Gaia Germani, Donald Sutherland. Dir: Luciano Rici, Lorenzo Sabatini. BW-90 mins

11:30am - The Haunting (1963)
A team of psychic investigators moves into a haunted house that destroys all who live there.
Cast: Julie Harris, Claire Bloom, Russ Tamblyn. Dir: Robert Wise. BW-112 mins

1:30pm - Children Of The Damned (1964)
Space invaders impregnate six women with super-powered offspring.
Cast: Ian Hendry, Alan Badel, Barbara Ferris. Dir: Anton Leader. BW-90 mins

3:00pm - Spider Baby (1968)
Greedy relatives try to repossess the decaying mansion of an inbred Southern family.
Cast: Lon Chaney, Jr., Quinn K. Redeker, Sid Haig. Dir: Jack Hill. BW-84 mins

4:30pm - Die! Die! My Darling! (1965)
A religious fanatic imprisons her late son's sinful fiancee.
Cast: Tallulah Bankhead, Stefanie Powers, Donald Sutherland. Dir: Silvio Narizzano. C-96 mins,

6:15pm - Eye Of The Devil (1967)
A French nobleman deserts his wife because of an ancient family secret.
Cast: David Niven, Deborah Kerr, Donald Pleasence. Dir: J. Lee Thompson. BW-96 mins
---

How friggin' awesome is that? For those of you not in the know; TCM is offered on most basic cable packages and shows uncut films without commercial breaks - It's probably my favorite basic-cable channel. You should totally check it out.

Fuck, if you don't have a DVR, just pop in a VHS tape and hit record on SLP as you're leaving for work. If you don't have basic cable, you're shit outta luck.

P.S. Tallulah Bankhead.

The Wrath of the Monarch Foundry

2008-01-28T21:27:00.000-06:00

Today I found an abandoned foundry out by my parents' place and got some great industrial decay photos.
They're up on my Flickr page now if you want to check 'em out.

Smoking Update

2008-01-25T12:29:00.000-06:00

It's been over two weeks since I started my smoking experiment; here's the breakdown:

I went a full week without smoking (as planned) and then decided that I didn't want to quit, but really wanted to cut down drastically on my smoking.
Before this, I'd smoke about 30 to 40 cigarettes every day. I decided that I'd like to get that down to 5 to 10 every day.
In the 9 days since I've started back up I've smoked two packs (40 cigarettes).
Within that time span, I've been out drinking 4 of those nights and attended the Chili Solstice (smokin' galore). I think that's pretty damned good.

I'll be happy if I can keep this up and keep the smoking trips outdoors to a minimum. Plus, It'll be nice if I don't feel compelled to cut out what I'm doing for a needed nicotine fix.
I think that this is the best of both the worlds.

Now I just have to find a connection for fine smokeables outside of Illinois that aren't those damned Safety Cigarettes.

Almost an Asian Arert

2008-01-23T19:49:00.001-06:00

Lately, I've been all about the music of Shiina Ringo. Plus, she has some of the coolest fucking videos - hands down.

Check 'em out:

She totally gets an L&E Walrus of Approval:

inDCent Exposure

2008-01-23T01:02:00.000-06:00

Hey DC Peoples,

If any of you are still checking out this blog, I'll be back in the District for the weekend of the 8th. I'm gonna stick around until Tuesday to vote in the Maryland primary, then I'm gonna drive my Jeep back to Illinois for the last time.

Make a note of it.

Consolidation Means Consumer Freedom

2008-01-21T23:15:00.000-06:00

Um... Nope.

I'm freaking pissed. I just went to book a flight back to DC for the weekend, and I found out that the stage had been dramatically altered.
I used to fly ATA constantly. They had retarded-cheap rates running between Chicago Midway (MDW) and Washington National (DCA) . You could get one-way tickets for under $70 bucks with a few weeks notice - last-minute rates barely broke the $100 mark. I fucking loved it.
ATA just drastically cut its routes and sold off most of the company to Southwest. Effective November 1st they cut out of DCA entirely.
This freakin' blows - DCA is the only DC airport with subway service, now the flight from Chicago to DCA that used to cost me $68 now is gonna run me $187 (the chepest one-way non-stop rate I could find).
Whaaaa?!?!
I could take a flight with a 5 hour lay-over in Detroit (the non-stop runs about an hour and a half), or fly to Dulles (IAD) or Baltimore (BWI) for around a hundred bucks, but I don't wanna do that.
I guess that I'm gonna have to fly from fucking O'Hare into BWI or IAD and then drop $50 on a cab ride back to DC.

Suck it, free market.

Squared Off @ Otto's This Friday

2008-01-16T14:17:00.000-06:00

Ms. Kathy T. Great (of ePissy fame) has a boyfriend.
His name is Ryan.
He's dreamy.
He has a band called Squared Off.
His band is totally playing Otto's in DeKalb this Friday.

Come out and show Ryan some love.

These guys have been around since the 7DA days, and put on one hell of a show. I'm definitely gonna be out for this one.
See you there.

Sicko-or-How I Accidentally Stopped Smoking

2008-01-12T11:12:00.000-06:00

I've been dead-sick since Tuesday and have been absolutely fucking miserable.
Here's the funny thing: In my sickness I think that I accidentally stopped smoking. It's been 3 full days since I had a smoke and I'm not even vaguely interested in lighting one up.
That fucking sucks. I like smoking and had no inclination to quit.

This sort of thing has happened before. Back in college I used to quit smoking for weeks at a time just to annoy my roommate who was always trying to quit (unsuccessfully). It was just another test of will, and once I'd met my goal I'd always go right back to smoking, because it was something that I enjoyed.
Now I'm not so sure that it's worth it. I'm gonna give it one full week (1-16-08, 12PM) and then decide what I'm doing on the nicotine front.
Here's my pro/con list on whether it's worth it to quit:

Pro: By quitting smoking, I can personally deprive inner-city children of vitally needed provisions and services funded by state tobacco taxes, and everyone knows how much I detest underprivileged children.

Con: Non-smokers (for the most part) are smug, self-satisfied, holier-than-thou twats.
What made me special is that I was all of those things and smoked.

Pro: It's fucking cold outside.

Con: By quitting right after the IL smoking ban passes, I feel like I'm surrendering to the will of the nanny-state. Welcome to the "No Fun" future, kids.

Pro: With the $40 or so I'm saving each week on cigarettes, I can finally afford to take up shooting smack.

Con: As anyone who has watched me play a video game or prepare food knows, I have a very mild case of Tourette's - Smoking helps me keep it in check.
By ceasing to smoke, I run the risk of going from a mere "spazz-wad" to "king-uber-spazz".

Pro: Now I'll get my full sense of smell back just in time for my daily commute on Chicago public transit. Lucky me.

Con: Managing to stop smoking before I turn 35 greatly increases my life expectancy, thus leaving me vulnerable to unscrupulous individuals willing to exploit my nonagenarian dementia for their own greedy ends.

Flickrama

2008-01-07T00:36:00.000-06:00

I just got around to posting up about 30 pics from Williamsburg (Virginia) and Prairie Du Chien (Wisconsin) up to my Flickr site.

Enjoy.

Because a Rooftop Snowdrift Took Out my Satelite Internet Connection Last Week

2008-01-06T21:51:00.000-06:00

Off of the Grid

2007-12-30T01:19:00.000-06:00

I've spent the last week running around like a methed-out dervish. I spent a good chunk of it out in the land of no Internet, cell phone signals, or broadcast television (ie: Western Wisconsin). And since I've been back, I've just been running back and forth between the parents' place and D-Town. It's all very glamorous.

I'd like to say that L&E is gonna get back to normal within the next few days, but I'm heading out to Chicago tomorrow, so that would be a lie. I promise to try and get some more crap up here, but don't hold your collective breath.

What I'm Doing for New Year's Eve

2007-12-29T01:37:00.000-06:00

Because I'm Awesome

2007-12-22T20:26:00.001-06:00

I spent a good chunk of this afternoon swilling Old Style and shooting at frozen pumpkins with my AK-47.

Yup, I'm living the good life.

The Final Push

2007-12-17T10:25:00.000-06:00

According to the Interstate Driving Forecast, it looks like everything will be clear tomorrow.

I'll be back sometime tomorrow between 5PM and 11PM (depending on departure time and traffic).

I'll definitely need any help I can get anytime on Wednesday to get the truck emptied, as I need to have it back to U-Haul Thursday by 9AM.

Luv U.

Moving Diary (excerpt)

2007-12-15T07:47:00.001-06:00

Here's a taste of the awesome adventure that has been my life over the last month:

Thursday
... Packing for most of the day and night
6 AM - Go to sleep

Friday
10 AM - Wake up
11:30 - Keep packing
14:30 (2PM) - Lunch
15:00 - More packing
17:00 - Around the Horn & P.T.I on ESPN
18:00 - Go back to packing
19:30 - Run to liquor store - For more boxes (not booze)
20:15 - Return to packing
21:00 - Throw screaming hissy-fit over legal sized file folders not fitting into Grand Marinier boxes
21:20 - Try to coax dog out of bathtub and try to get girlfriend to stop crying due to aforementioned hissy-fit
21:35 - Throw second hissy fit, thus negating all earlier efforts to smooth-over earlier hissy-fit
21:45 - Pop a Valium and crack open a beer to prevent any further hissy-fits
21:50 - Keep on packing
22:45 - Wander around in a circle muttering "where's the tape?" for 15 minutes straight
23:00 - Realize that it's 11 PM, and decide to eat dinner

Saturday
Midnight - Start dismantling Computer and electronics
04:00 - Re-connect wireless internet and laptop
05:00 - Call it a night and have another 3 beers
06:00 - Shower
06:30 - Decide that I'm not gonna get any sleep - Start brewing coffee and pop 2 Ephidrine tabs
07:00 - Drinky Joe comes home and drunkenly stumbles toward bed - Prick
08:00 - While waiting for U-Haul place to open, decide to write a brief 'Moving Diary' to show what a spazz I am
...