NFL Week 4 Picks

This week my NFL picks are getting an Upgrayedd (with an extra ‘d’ for a double-dose of pimpin’) - I’m including the team records and my pick history/season record. Look for me to suck from here-on-out since I had the gaul to post my record – I’m like the Mets on that front.
If one week I happen to pick a perfect slate I’ll include the betting line picks thereafter (as soon as I recover from my fainting spell and ensuing head injury).
This week I’m betting heavily against the home teams and frequently picking against conventional-wisdom, so I’m sure that I’ll get boned this week. That'll learn me.

Last week's picks: 11-5
Season record: 31-17

Bears (1-2) over Lions (2-1)
Roy Williams needs to shut his fat fucking yap - the Bears will do it for him. The Lions have an over-inflated confidence in their team and a (Rex induced) low view of the Bears. Grossman isn’t our quaterback, and I can’t see Detroit winning without his obligatory 3 turnovers per game. Our D is banged-up, but our second-string is better than a lot of starting defenses.
I’ve got a full-raging hard-on for the Bears again now that they’ve dropped the chump (I really, really, really tried to phrase that in a way that didn’t sound totally gay, and failed miserably). Griesse isn’t our John Elway or Dan Marino (the 2 QBs he followed-up in Denver and Miami, respectively), but he’s better than the less-than-nothing that we had there last week. I only wish that I had gotten this game in my market or had the patience for sitting through a game in a fucking sports-bar. I have neither.
Bonus bet: After this game, put Kitna on the DL.
BEARS!!!

Postgame: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK... Bernard Berrian... FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK... a record 34 points allowed in the 4th quarter.. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Texans (2-1) over Falcons (0-3)
Awkward! The red-hot Texans waltz into Atlanta with the Falcons' old back-up QB (Matt Schuab). Hey Atlanta! How's Joey Harrington working out for you? This is my schadenfreude lock of the week.

Jets (1-2) over Bills (0-3)
The Jets might not be very good this year, but Buffallo stinks on ice. If things keep up at this pace for the Bison Williams, they'll have to attach a hospital wing onto Ralph Wilson Stadium

Ravens (2-1) over Browns (1-2)
This game is gonna be the football equivalent of a hardened criminal mugging a retarded kid. The analogy isn’t straying too far from reality on this one.

Postgame: What I failed to take into account is that when the mentally-disabled feel threatened, they get that super-retard-strength.

Cowboys (3-0) over Rams (0-3)
Those Bovineguys are getting cocky, and are vulnerable to an upset from a desperate team. That being said, the Rams don’t have the huevos to do anything that bold.

Raiders (1-2) over Dolphins (0-3)
Hey, Joey Porter; Guarantees are cheap theater stunts, anyone can make 'em and they don't mean a damned thing. I personally guarantee that the Fish aren't gonna see the postseason this year or next year or... - See how easy that was? The Raiders are gonna pull the upset in this one, thereby stunning all 28 fans who bothered to show up for this turd-fest.

Packers (3-0) over Vikings (1-2)
I have the feeling that the Pack is walking into a trap this week. The Vikes might be squirrelly, but nothing would make ‘em happier than up-ending their nemesis and breaking their winning streak - NFC North entropy ensues. That being said, I’m copping-out and picking the Packers.

Bucs (2-1) over Panthers (2-1)
This is gonna be a great game. I would pick Carolina, but the word is that Dehlome won’t start and the Kittys will have to rely on the masterful skills of David Carr (that worked so well for Houston all those years). I really like what Garcia is doing for Tampa and am picking them to triumph without a second thought.

Seahawks (2-1) over 49ers (2-1)
Who will win this one? Hold on... {shaking magic 8 ball}. What the fuck do you mean "Reply hazy, try again"? Stupid piece of junk. Let's just say the Seahawks win this one and move on.

Steelers (3-0) over Cardinals (1-2)
The Cards new coach (Wisenhutt) comes fresh from the Pittsburgh coaching staff, so this one's not a "gimme" by any stretch. I still think that the Steelers have what it takes to pull this one off.

Postgame: The Cardinals are who I thought they were! They were who I thought they were, and I let a huge upset-pick off of the hook!

Colts (3-0) over Broncos (2-1)
Everyone is calling this one the “Game of the Week”. Only if you like fireworks. It's more of the "junkfood" game of the week - It's gonna be tasty, but full of empty calories.

Chargers (1-2) over Chiefs (1-2)
Nothing would make me happier than another embarrassing Chargers loss – Shut their loud mouths for good like the (now contrite) Floodtown ‘aints. Unfortunately for me, they’re playing the lower gastrointestinal tract of the NFL.

Postgame: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I was laughing so hard, I think I peed myself a little on this one. Shottenheimer for Norv Turner? Oh, Holy shit - I can't breathe... It feels so good to be wrong, now (hopefully) they'll shut the fuck up.

Giants (1-2) over Eagles (1-2)
Both teams are playing for their lives. I really want to go with Philly on this one, but after seeing NY’s resurgent defense in their (unexpected) win over my Skins I'm not so sure. Speaking of defense, the Giants’ defensive coordinator, Steve Spagnuolo, just spent the last 8 years on Philly’s payroll – Talk about stealing signals… I’m picking Coughlin’s pituitary anomalies in this one.

Postgame: This fucking pick saved me from a losing Sunday (7 wins & 6 losses) - whew.

Patriots (3-0) over Bengals (1-2)
…and in other earth-shattering news: Cows go “Moo”.

* Wrong Picks in RED.
** Correct Picks in GREEN.