Household Hieroglyph

I noticed this pictogram on the side of a box of dryer-sheets, and for the life of me, I can't decipher it.
Here are my best guesses:
A) DO NOT PLACE SEAGULL IN TEAKETTLE
B) THIS IS NOT AN ENCHANTED WISHING LAMP - DO NOT RUB FOR GENIE
C) NOT FOR USE WITH EUROPEAN A/C PLUG-IN ANAL STIMULATORS

The Apartment

We're finally getting settled into the new place.
It's pretty fucking sweet.

Lies, Lazarus, Lies!

'Lies and Exaggerations' has been stuck under a 6-foot blanket of e-dirt for the last 2 months, but now is clawing back to the surface with bloodied vengeful fingertips for another deep breath of sickly-sweet internet air.
God help you all.

In the last 2 months I've been in 9 different states, traveled over 3,500 miles, rescued The Girl from the Potomac cesspool, moved 12 metric tons of worthless shit halfway across this country, and have relocated to the one (non-Muslim) city that has more bullshit "government knows best" laws/ordinances than DC - I'm talkin' about Chicago ("Help me, I'm being oppressed"), Illinois.

I've got a new fortified stronghold, some fortified wine, a bunch of stories, a few new things that are pissing me off, and all the time in the world.

We're back in business, folks.