The Liar's Answers To All Tech Questions

I just had to make up a list of simple answers to any and all comp-tech questions for first-time computer owner, Mr. Drinky Joe.
Here it is:

A) Yeah, It'll do that.

B) Make sure that it's plugged in/turned on.

C) If it looks like it's gonna catch fire, carefully unplug it and place it on the front lawn.

D) If the computer gains self-awareness, under no circumstance should you allow it to compete with you for the love of a woman, instigate a thermonuclear war with the U.S.S.R., or establish a sentient machine army to overthrow the human race.

E) For any other scenario, just ask anyone else under the age of 65 who's sober and/or "Jeeves".

That just about covers it.