What... The... Fuck?

I was Flickr surfin', and look what I found: Now, that is some funny shit. You have to check out the whole photo set. It's fucking priceless.

Blog Cleaning

1) The last MSN Spaces holdout has finally switched over to the Blogger dark-side. The lovely Miss Jes recently launched "You Know You Want To". Check it out; it's like a written version of a Peaches album.

2) I pulled the link for Elise's blog from my links menu. She'd left that site a while ago, and now is switching blog addresses every other hour (or so). Her old space was hermit-crabbed by a spammer, and I figgered that anyone clicking from L&E didn't give a fuck about "Secrets of Living a Healthy, Happy and Exciting Life!".
From what I understand, Elise is now blogging out of a mountain-side cave somewhere along the Pakistan/Afghanistan border. If you need that address, CONTACT ELISE YOUR DAMN SELF. I have several armed mercenaries following me around to ensure that I don't jeopardize the location of her new bloggin' strong-hold.

3) If things get any wiggier here in DC, I might join Elise in seclusion. Right now I'm pricing decommissioned missile silos in the American Southwest, and looking into plans for building my very own crazy-person shack out in the wilderness. Good times.

4) Keep an eye on the blog this weekend, because:
a) I have a new set of Drinky Joe pics that need to go up.
b) It's about time to crank out the "What I'm Listening To - Summer 2006" Mix CD.
c) I've got a ton of stories, and a couple rants that I've been saving up for way too long.
d) I haven't had an 'Asian Arert' or 'Gun Nut' post in quite awhile.

So, there you go. Use that information wisely.

Everyone have a happy 4th of July long-ass weekend. And remember: If you're going to play with firecrackers, make sure to keep them firmly secured in your hands and/or mouth after lighting the fuse.
Safety first!

Photo Summary of Phoenix

First off - these are all high-res photos, so if they might take forever to load if you're using an older computer. Don't bitch, because I really don't care.

I'm not going into the travel fiasco. It sucked total ass - period. All I have to show you is proof of my super-awesome McGyver skillz. I lost an ear-piece for my headphones at the DC airport, so I rigged a replacement out of a cigarette butt:
I also learned that the last thing people waiting in a tarmac want to see is a wild eyed man tearing apart cigarettes, biting off bits, poking the remains with a toothpick, all while swearing profusely.
---
As soon as I got settled at the hotel, I decided to check out the convention center where the conference was to be held. This is what I found:
Oh, shit.
---
Then I wandered around a bit and found the Convention Center Annex:
Bingo!
---
I wandered inside to check it out. Most booths looked something like this:
---
Mine looked like this:
Fancy!
---
Later that night, I learned an interesting factoid. Due to the intense heat, all construction work in Phoenix is done at night. I took this picture from my balcony:
Once again; They worked ALL NIGHT, EVERY NIGHT, right outside MY WINDOW. Peaceful.
---
Anyway, a lot of stuff happened that I didn't get pictures of (thank Christ!).
I don't feel like pulling out my soapbox just yet, so all those stories will have to wait. What I did get is a bunch of cool shots of architecture:
...and flowers:
If you want to check 'em all out (about 50), go on over to my Flickr page.
Enjoy.

"DC" = Duck & Cover

I'm back in DC and the shit is extra deep this week.

I spent all day yesterday stranded in airports trying to deal with a HUGE fucking problem on 4 hours of sleep. I can't say much, other than [REDACTED ON ADVICE OF COUNCIL]. I left for the Phoenix airport at 11:30AM on Monday, and didn't get home until 3AM on Tuesday. Hooray for travel!
I'm spent, and today I get to play with legal council all day. This should be some fun.

Take my life; please.

The Teachers Are Revolting

Holy Shit!
I've had one hell of a goddamned day. One of the attendees at the PTA conference noticed my name-badge and launched into an unholy tirade. Apparently I was featured in a recent issue of Mother Jones Magazine (with a dandy caricature), and this woman made the connection. So, for two hours I had to deal with this woman, and all of the flag-burning lesbians from her coven. It was a motherfucking doozy, but as a plus, I may be the only person to have uttered the phrase "Why don't you just fuck off, you commie twat" at a PTA conference. Everybody knows that teachers are leftist pinko scum (see EdP), so I shouldn't be surprised, but... Fuck.

And another fucking thing: I have never seen so many freakishly obese and/or pug fugly people in one spot. It looks more like a sideshow freak exhibit than a conference. *shudder*

It can't be all bad you say (to which I say: "Shut your cum-trap you cocksucker"). Well, tonight I get the privilege of attending the Diamondbacks play the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Orange County, and Outlying Areas. It's like I lost a bet, but I have 3 words that will get me through it: beer, beer, and beer.

I've got two days left of this shit. I knew I should have packed a gun.

- Sent From Blackberry Handheld -

Phoenix Is A Rectum And I'm Robert Mapplethorpe

I'm taking pictures like a madman. I'm gonna Flickr the shit outta this
armpit.

- Sent From Blackberry Handheld -

Phoenix Is A Shithole

Wow, does this city suck. It's hot as nuts, there are bums everywhere, and everything seems to be either boarded-up or under construction.
It's no New Jersey.

- Sent From Blackberry Handheld -

Fuck This

It's only been 3 hours since I left my house for Phoenix and already I:
- Had my flight delayed for several hours
- Lost my sunglasses while going through security
- Lost an ear piece for my Shure headphones (rendering them useless)

Fuck all this.

- Sent From Blackberry Handheld -

Mobilebloggin' - Southwestern Style

I'm getting ready to leave for Phoenix. Sorry, no time for vitriolic ramblings.
Keep an eye out for drunken Blackberry dispatches from bars and airport bars (I've got lengthy lay-overs at O'Hare both ways). 'Cause nothing says 'blogging' like typos, misspellings, and fractured paragraphs.

Bonus Travel Tip: 2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 lefts do.

Hold On

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Super Hero

I just gave away a Drinkin' Bag to some wobbly chick on the subway.
I'm like a superhero. My super-power is the ability to hand out air-sickness bags to all the drunks on public transit.

- Sent From Blackberry Handheld -

Even I Don't Believe This

Next week my work is sending me HERE.
I get to spend 5 days in Phoenix at the National Parent Teacher Association Conference manning the TV Parental Guidelines booth.

This is a really fucking bad idea.

Reason I'm an Idiot #3029

Taking pictures while going over a suspension bridge @ 80MPH.
You can check out more road shots on my Flickr page.

Ferrets or Space Man?

I called work today and told them that NJ was so rad that I was gonna stay an extra day, get really drunk, go bowling, and play with ferrets.
They told me that if I came back that they'd let me hang out with an astronaut, so that's what I'm doing tomorrow.
I had 4 hours on the drive back to think up the perfect opening line: (in my best heathen savage voice) "You kill sky father in big metal penis?"

Garden (State) Party

Holy Shit!
My hotel is in a strip mall between a Costco, a Target, a PetSmart, and a Chilli's. I'm gonna get loaded on draft beer and Awesome Blossoms at Chili's, then sign up for a Costco membership, grab some shit from Target, and then go pet the ferrets at PetSmart.

In your face, fate!
Everything's coming up Millhouse!

Oh, no flippin' way... There's a god-damned bowling alley across the
street. Sweet!

I'm staying here forever.

- Sent From Blackberry Handheld -

Bugs & Jersey

I put up a bunch of new photos up on my Flickr page (now with more bugs!). If you're interested in artsy, or fartsy, you should check it out.

Other than that, I don't have much for ya.
I'm getting ready for my exciting road-trip to East Hangover... er, Hanover, New Jersey. I get to stay at the luxurious Ramada Business Inn (the best cheapest hotel in the area) - I know you all are super-jealous.
Look for some Mobile bloggin' from the Garden State, because I need to share the joy.

Double Dammit!

I just learned that I get to spend all day Monday in scenic Newark, NJ. I have to go up and help out a client (Gundy's employer) with a Congressional visit.
Fun, fun, fun.

Choose My Own Adventure

Motherfucker!
I just learned that the book I've been reading FOREVER is a shitty translation. I usually breeze through novels at about 200 pages per week. I'm 200 pages into this one, and I've been reading it for months. I just can't get into it, and it's causing a huge log-jam in my reading pile. The story is good, but seems flat. I've been giving a lot of thought to the plot and characters, but never seem to want to read the damn thing.
Well, turns out that the copy I have is a highly redacted soviet-era translation of the novel and there is a much better (unedited) translation out there. No wonder I've been slogging through this bastard. Hell, it usually only takes a week (or so) to get through any Irvine Welsh novel, and half of those fucking things are written phonetically.
So my question is, do I:
a) Keep reading the shit-translation, and finish in time for Christmas
b) Plunk down the $10 for the 'superior' version, and start the whole fucking book over (with no guarantee that the new translation will be any more engaging)
-or-
c) Give up and read that Kundera novel that I've been pushing around for the last year

It's your call. I'm leaving it up to you semi-literate man-apes to choose my best course. I'll probably end up being eaten by a dragon. Dammit.

Happy Satan Day!

Because those kids love the dark lord.
---

UPDATE:
I'm home from work, drinking a beer, and rocking out to some Iron Maiden.
Everybody sing along:

"woe to you, oh earth and sea, for the devil sends the
beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short...
let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the
beast for it is a human number, its number is six hundred and
sixty six."

i left alone my mind was blank
i needed time to think to get the memories from my mind

what did i see can i believe that what i saw
that night was real and not just fantasy

just what i saw in my old dreams were they
reflections of my warped mind staring back at me

'cos in my dream it's always there the evil face that twists my mind
and brings me to despair

the night was black was no use holding back
'cos i just had to see was someone watching me
in the mist dark figures move and twist
was this all for real or some kind of hell
666 the number of the beast
hell and fire was spawned to be released

torches blazed and sacred chants were praised
as they start to cry hands held to the sky
in the night the fires burning bright
the ritual has begun satan's work is done
666 the number of the beast
sacrifice is going on tonight

this can't go on i must inform the law
can this still be real or just some crazy dream
but i feel drawn towards the evil chanting hordes
they seem to mesmerise me ... can't avoid their eyes
666 the number of the beast
666 the one for you and me

i'm coming back i will return
and i'll possess your body and i'll make you burn
i have the fire i have the force
i have the power to make my evil take it's course

The Penis Game 2: Electric Boogaloo

OK, it looks like everyone's getting the hang of this game.
Simply replace any (1) word from any title with 'penis' and the appropriate suffix (if applicable). Usually longer titles (4 or more words) work best, or instantly recognizable titles.
The main rule is if it's funny, and is grammatically correct in usage, it's good. And remember, penis can be used to replace any noun or a verb in a title (ie: 50 Ways to Leave Your Penis vs 50 Ways to Penis Your Lover vs 50 Penises to Leave Your Lover vs 50 Ways to Leave Penis Lover vs Penis Ways to Leave Your Lover - Yeah, only the first 2 are any good, but...).

Now I think that you're ready for the advanced rules:
Step One - Yell out: "Hey kids, let's play the penis game!"
Step Two - Ask all of the bouncers/rednecks/police officers/lawyers/family members/religious nuts in the vicinity to, please, put away their respective bats/shotguns/pepper spray canisters/summons/notes of shame/Jack Chick tracts. Then slowly explain that there are no actual penises used in "The Penis Game".
Step Three - Someone picks a category at random, such as 'Roger Corman Films'.
Step Four - Everyone shouts out answers such as:
The St. Valentine's Penis Massacre
The Masque of the Red Penis
Penis and the Pendulum
The Little Penis of Horrors
Penis from the Haunted Sea
The Beast with a Million Penises
It Penised the World
Attack of the Crab Penises
-and-
The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Penis of the Great Sea Serpent
Take a drink. Keep going until you run out of applicable answers, or the current subject gets tired.
Step Five - Your girlfriend's "artsy" friend will pick a category like 'Belle & Sebastian songs'. Try not to look too bored/annoyed while he/she belts out gems like:
"You Made Me Forget My Penis"
"My Penising Days Are Over"
"The Penis Done Wrong Again"
"Judy and the Dream of Penises"
"Waiting for the Penis to Rise"
-and-
"Le Penis de la Bourgeoisie"
Order a shot while this round is going on.
Step Six - Take another drink (it definitely makes the game better). Someone else yell out another category at random, and the game keeps going.
Step Seven - Stop once everyone passes out, or the owner of the bar threatens to call the cops.

There you go. Them's the rules (that I just made up).

Oh, and (if you can) yell out 'Sylvester Stallone movies featuring Golden Girls cast members' as a topic. Just because 'Stop! Or My Penis Will Shoot' is really fucking funny.

Happy Birthday Jenny

It's The Girl's birthday today. Be careful not to piss her off.

If The Old Dog Thought the Blog Re-Design Post Was Gay...

One of my favorite time-wasting games is to substitute the word 'penis/penises' into movie/book/song titles.
I'm not sure where I got this from, but I'm pretty sure that the idea came from someone even more juvenile than myself. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that EdP and/or William T had a hand penis in coming up with this game.
Anyway, today I was looking at the Classic DVDs 47% Off section of Amazon.com, and I started to play the game. I giggled (like a schoolgirl) until I cried (like a schoolgirl) .

Here are a few of my favorites (click on the links to see the original titles):
The Day the Penis Stood Still
The Penises of Wrath
Hush...Hush, Sweet Penis
How to Steal a Penis
The Penis of the Sixth Happiness
The Penis of Anne Frank
Penis Her to Heaven
Three Penises In the Fountain
Love is a Many-Splendored Penis
How Green Was My Penis
Irving Berlin's Alexander's Ragtime Penis
Anna and the King of Penis

F-U-C-K S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G B-E-E-S

J-E-S-U-S

All this week the National Spelling Bee has been taking place in the same building that I work in. For some odd reason this seems to bring out all the F-R-E-A-K-S.
This time of year is like Christmas for the downtown DC beggars - they are 3 deep for blocks, waiting for waves of dorky families to hustle.
For some reason, the Bee also attracts a group religious nuts holding placards with witty slogans like: "GOD HATES F-A-G-S".
Then there's the participants themselves; which seem to be an even mix of awkward home-schooling freak-families, holier-than-thou suburban groups, and enough Indian children to fully cast several dozen Bollywood flicks.
You can't grab lunch in my neighborhood between 11:30AM and 2PM unless you want to wait in line for over a half-hour. The only viable option is to walk for 5 or 6 blocks (in 87 degree heat - in a suit & tie) to escape the 'B' radius. I stink.
Speaking of stink, the subway stop is clogged with families that apparently can spell 'meningoencephalitis', but don't know better than to stop and look around when the come to the top of a moving elevator - or to not stand directly in the middle of the narrow walk-way. I keep missing trains because these fucking brain-trusts can't figure out how to board a fucking subway car, and when they're on they cant figure out how to MOVE OUT OF THE GODDAMNED WAY to let others board and disembark. C-O-C-K-S-U-C-K-E-R-S. Oh, and the fucking pick-pockets are out in force. It's hard enough to maneuver through a herd of obese pseudo-humans without having to worry about your wallet or MP3 player.
I'm going nuts. If this doesn't end soon I'm going to end up S-K-U-L-L-F-U-C-K-I-N-G someone.