Your Kids Are Whores

Tonight, instead of ogling nubile half-nekkid drunk girls at the bar, I got to hand out candy to children and other dregs of society. This is what I get for having too much shit to fit into an apartment.

I saw plenty of nubile half-nekkid girls, problem is that they were all around 13 or 14. WHAT THE FUCK? Jesus Christ people, I'm already paying for your degenerate child's education through the taxes that you managed throw down on cigarettes and liquor. The last fucking thing I need is your nymphet daughter ringing at my doorbell wearing nothing but a fucking g-string, a boobie bandage, all the while suggestively smiling at me awkwardly through braces (teeth, not leg) while I'm desperately trying to pay attention only to candy and the Boris Karloff marathon on TCM.
That's just not fucking fair. C'mon people - Don't send your kids out looking like Sri Lankan street-walkers. It's not my place to raise your children, much less have your children raise my... Forget it.

Back to the other assorted dregs of society... I live about 3 blocks outside the DC city limits in a residential neighborhood. This is great for everyday life - I get to hole-up in a peaceful neighborhood whilst being within reasonable walking distance of modern civilization.
This all goes to hell on October 31st of any given year. I may live in a residential neighborhood, but there are several gov'ment housing projects within a few blocks of my house.

Here's my typical Halloween: Cute little trick-or-treater, another little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, jailbait, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, chase off guy trying to steal my tires, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, crackhead, scare the hell outta a little trick-or-treater while chasing off the ensuing wave of crackheads by breaking out the AK-47, jailbait, etc...

I'm glad that this is the last year I'm doing this shit. The other neighbors are way-fucking smarter than me - I looked out on the street this evening, and my Jeep was one of only 3 cars on the entire block (usually there are at least 20+). Crafty bastards.
I realized this while I was washing off the eggs and shaving creme from my car (and I even fucking gave out candy!?!).

I would just ignore the whole fucking holiday altogether, but the last time I did that was in 2001. That year I had to replace 3 slashed tires and 2 broken windows - I'm sure that things will be more civilized back in Chicago...
Please?

Commitment Issues

As I type this, my Vespa '50 Special', my grill, my smoker, all of my lawn implements, some tools, and a couple of mannequins are stuffed in a trailer and heading back to the heartland. All of my outdoor accouterments are gone from DC for good.
Ergo, now I'm (officially) committed to moving back to IL, unless I want to go through life with raw bratwurst, unsmoked meats, and an unruly lawn (amongst other things). That's not a life worth living.
Sometime within the next 15 days, I'm gonna be heading back to Chicagoland in a big-ass U-Haul containing roughly half of my indoor-crap. Then I plan on moving the rest out of DC sometime mid-December. My path is set - destiny be damned.
Coincidentally, now I'm in the market for gainful employment and housing (in that order). If anyone has any hot leads, be sure to drop me a line.

NFL Week 8 Picks

As you all probably know by now, I'm back in Illinois for a whirlwind surprise Halloween visit. That means that this post was written (for the most part) last Sunday and Monday because I knew that there was no way in hell that I'd have the time to sit down and do this while I was in the middle of a drinking marathon. Therefore, I'm sure that there's a bunch of injuries and/or last minute shifts that I'm gonna miss, but I don't care. I'm having way too much fun to worry about being right.

Last week's picks: 10/4
Season record: 67/36

Early Sunday Games:
Bears (3-4) over Lions (4-2)
I can't see Chicago dropping both regular-season games to the fucking Lions (or the abstinent Lions, for that matter).
The key to this game is somehow abducting Ron Turner before kickoff and keeping him locked in a utility closet until there's 30 seconds left in the 4th. Hell, If the closet is big enough, I'd strongly recommend doing the same with Benson and Berry-Ann.

Steelers (4-2) over Bengals (2-4)
Pittsburgh is gonna be grumpy after shitting the bed on national television against Denver last week. Cincinnati is gonna be over-confident after coming back to beat a 1&5 team last week.
Quick, Mr. Bunny, hop off of the train tracks!
This is gonna be the stuff that cautionary traffic-safety films are made of.

Titans (4-2) over Raiders (2-4)
It looks likely that the Titans are getting Big Dummy back for this one. That's all I needed to hear - I'm goin' with Tennessee.

Browns (3-3) over Rams (0-7)
If you had to call this game when the 2007 schedule was released, nobody would have picked the Browns. Now nobody would pick the Rams. You gotta love this game.

Giants (5-2) over Dolphins (0-7)
'Ello, London!
This one counts as a home game for Miami, which is totally unfair to the Dolphins - It can't possibly feel like a home-game for the Fish with people in the stands. Heres my theory: (NFL Commissioner) Tagliabue's plan is to get the Dolphins out of the country, have NFL personal confiscate their passports, and summarily eradicate all history of the franchise from the NFL record. It worked for Stalin.

Vikings (2-4) over Eagles (2-4)
I'm gonna be routing for Philly in this one, but I was really impressed with the Minnesota defense last week against the Cowboys. It looks like a classic hard-nosed Bears defense, for chrissake. Plus, those Nordic fuckers have a running game that Lovie can only dream of. How'd that happen - That's not good. The only thing that's holding Minnesota back is their clown at QB - That twat makes Grossie look good. I'm just hoping that this team gets dismantled by injuries before week 15.

Colts (6-0) over Panthers (4-2)
The Colts are playing HUGE lately. For my money, they're a much better team than the Patriots (more on that next week). The Panthers definitely have enough talent to pose a legitimate threat, but after seeing Indy manhandle the Jags last week, I have to go with the Colts to get the win against Carolina.

Late Sunday Games:
Bills (2-4) over Jets (1-6)
Why do I keep picking the motherfucking Jets to win? They haven't come through for me since week 3 (against the hapless Dolphins). My Mangina man-crush is over - I'm going with the Williams in this one.

Texans (3-4) over Chargers (3-3)
Note: This game will probably be played in Arizona or (possibly) postponed.
San Diego has been on fire lately... Sorry. The Chargers are hot, but all of the wrath-of-god issues that they've had to deal with this last week are gonna take their toll - It's hard to focus on professional tackle football when every thing you have has been reduced to a smoldering pile of embers. The Texicans are good enough to exploit this 'crisitunity' for a win.

Buccaneers (4-3) over Jaguars (4-2)
The Jags took a beating against Indy last week and it looks like Garrard will either be out this week or be playing hurt. I like Tampa, but just barely.
Postgame: Jags by 1 point. I was barely wrong.

Saints (2-4) over 49ers (2-4)
The Saints need to get another win against a cupcake team before hosting the Jaguars next week. They can do it.

Patriots (7-0) over Redskins (4-2)
Fun Fact: The Patriots haven't won in DC since 1972. Let's see how they do against a team with a winning record (so far the only winning team they've faced was Dallas). As much as I'd love to see my Skins pull off the upset in this one, it ain't gonna happen. Hell, Washington barely squeaked out a win against the crippled Cardinals last Sunday. If the Skins are going to pull off this upset they're gonna have to commit to smash-mouth football on both sides of the ball - Offense: Hard Run, Hard Run, Hard Run, etc. Defense: Keep the pressure on Brady and hope for mistakes. Blitz like fuck; that'll give up a bunch of completions, but will eventually wear down the O-line and leave Brady vulnerable.

-There isn't a Sunday Night Game due to the World Series-

Monday Night Game:
Broncos (3-3) over Packers (5-1)
This game is gonna be going on about 2 miles away from game 5 of the World Series (if needed). I'm hoping that it snows like hell - I'm routing for chaos. I think that the Pack has a real good shot at winning this one, but it looks like the Broncos may be on an upswing. I'm picking this one based on my NFC North hopes, and Denver's home-field advantage.
Postgame: Pack wins in overtime - Pencil 'em in for the NFC North title this year.
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN

Nature Defies Calabasas Smoking Ban

Wow, this is both truly ironic and deeply gratifying.
Calabasas California, which is best known for having the strictest anti-smoking ordinances in the nation, happens to be engulfed in flame right now.
How's that smoking ban working now, you smug pricks?
I hope your tight-assed little smoke-free utopia burns to the fucking ground.

P.S. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

Suspicion Confirmed

I so fucking called this. Actually, I asserted that all wizards were gay. Dumbledore is a wizard, isn't he?
"Proof" HERE.

Beacuse You Can't Rape A Coke Machine

The new fashion statement coming out of the land of the rising sun is urban camo for ladies who have watched too many Urotsukidōji hentai flix. Nothing let's you hide from rampaging demon penis monsters better than dressing up like a vending machine. I'm just relieved that deeply ingrained irrational fear isn't isolated to the United States.

Wow, Check out this (totally not conspicuous) ninja shit:
LINK (via Boing Boing)

Riot Fest 2007

There's a good chance that I'll be back in Chicago next month to haul back the first load of my crap from DC & to catch Riot Fest 2007 @ the Congress Theater.
Check out this fucking line-up:

Saturday, November 17:
Naked Raygun, Stiff Little Fingers, 7 Seconds, Nekromantix, The Queers, Lower Class Brats, The Methadones, Shot Baker, Magnafux, The Heart Attacks, The Copyrights

Sunday, November 18:
Bad Brains, Sludgeworth, The Casualties, Dillinger Four, The Bollweevils, Youth Brigade, Zero to Sixty (ex-88 Fingers Louie), Flatfoot 56, Deal's Gone Bad, The Frantic

Fucking Sludgeworth!?! I'm so there.

P.S. Someone please pick me up a ticket for the Friday Pre-Bash show at Double Door. Thanx.

NFL Week 7 Picks

Last week I got cute with my picks and got my ass handed to me. This week I'm gonna try to get back on track, but really think that any of this week's games could go either way (with a few exceptions). Historically, it's easier to pick as the season progresses, but this season isn't following any of the rules. It doesn't help that so many quarterbacks are out that a couple of teams showed actual interest in signing Rex Grossman before the trade deadline (but not enough to surrender a 2nd round draft pick) - that's sayin' something. There's so much blood in the water at this point that I'm more interested in potential injuries than game results. It makes for great football, but terrible prognostication.
That, kids, is why you should never bet real money on professional tackle football. Always bet with a check.

Last week's picks: 6/7
Season record: 57/32

Early Sunday Games:
Bills (1-4) over Ravens (4-2)
I always seem to lead off my picks with a turkey, so I don't see why this week should be any different. The Ravens are looking like thrice hammered shit lately, and I was really impressed with the Bills play against the Cowboys a couple of weeks back (except for the part where they up and lost). I think that the Williams have a great shot at an upset this week coming off of their 'bye'. I'm sure that I'll be wrong, but that's how I see it.

Buccaneers (4-2) over Lions (3-2)
Dude, like who would win in a fight between a Lion and a Pirate? I'm just hoping that the Bucs can throw some hurt down on the Lions to soften 'em up for next week's trip to Chicago.

Patriots (6-0) over Dolphins (0-6)
The Pat's first loss this season will be against Miami, but that won't happen until week 16. The Fish are famous (infamous?) for scoring huge upsets on undefeated teams. Remember the Bears game late last season (or the '85 Bears, for that matter)?

Saints (1-4) over Falcons (1-5)
Flood town meets drought town. I'd rather sit through a House Natural Resources Subcommittee on Water and Power hearing than this game.

Giants (4-2) over 49ers (2-3)
Here's how to make this the game of the week:
1) Build a working time-machine.
2) Travel back to 1989.
3) Enjoy.

Skins (3-2) over Cardinals (3-3)
If the Cards keep up with their current streak, expect Rattay (Arizona's starting QB) to go out with injuries sometime before the half. If that happens, there's a good chance that Arizona will be forced to play Tim Hassleback, who they just signed this week. He's the Skins' old back-up QB, brother of Matt, and hubby of the crazy blond chick on The View. It's gonna take yet another Arizona QB injury to give this game an interesting story-line, but I'm thinking that the Cards can do it.

Texans (3-3) over Titans (3-2)
If I thought that das Wunderlicher was gonna be healthy for this one, I'd pick the Titans hands-down. There's a good chance that he'll play, get stuck in the pocket, and fuck his leg up even worse than it is now trying to make some stupid play. I'm not sold on Kerry Collins, so I'm picking the Texicans at home.
Postgame: The end of this game was a genuine barn-burner. Too bad CBS couldn't show it - Instead I got to watch Cower, Sharpe, Brown, and Esiason watching the end of the game and narrating. Fucking lame as hell.

Late Sunday Games:
Jets (1-5) over Bengals (1-4)
No offense -vs- no defense, who will win? More importantly, who cares?

Chiefs (3-3) over Raiders (2-3)
I really want to pick the Raiders at home, but I still haven't picked the Chiefs to win yet this season. Let's see how that goes. This is my way of saying "The Chiefs aren't who I thought they were".

Cowboys (5-1) over Vikings (2-3)
I'm hoping that they both lose, but that ain't gonna happen. I'm gonna be watching this one just to see if Adrian Peterson II (Electric Boogaloo) is really that good, or if the Bears D is really that bad.

Bears (2-4) over Eagles (2-3)
The DC market is getting the Vikes-Boys matchup - Can't say I'm surprised. I'm predicting that the story after this game will be about (additional) injuries. I'm setting the line at '5'. 3 Eagles players hurt, 2 for the Bears.
Postgame: Ron Turner calls plays for 58 minutes of play - Result = 4 field goals. Communications are cut for 2 minutes and Griese is forced to call the plays - Result = Touchdown. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Seahawks (3-3) over Rams (0-6)
The story of the Saint Louis Rams: They stink. The End.

Primetime Sunday Game:
Steelers (4-1) over Broncos (2-3)
It's lucky for the Broncos that the Rockies are in the World Series. It's the only thing keeping the Denver fans from screaming for Mike Shanahan's head.

Monday Night Game:
Colts (5-0) over Jaguars (4-1)
This is gonna be one hell of a game. I like the Colts in this one, but this is gonna be their biggest test of this season (so far).
---

Correct picks in GREEN
Wrong picks in RED

Photo Bender

I've been neglecting my Flickr page lately. That's gotta stop.
I just posted up a handful of pics - Enjoy.

Prodigal Son

I'm ready to officially announce:

After seven and one-half years of saying so, I am finally going to move back to Chicago sometime within the next few months.

My days of herding swine are over.

NFL Week 6 Picks

I beat that fucking NRA Medallion last week! 12/2 to 8/6. Hoo-Ha! Take that motherfucker.
I'm celebrating my awesome record last week now, because this looks like another "trap" week (see: week 4) - I'll be lucky to break even on Week 6.
C'mon all you party people say "Yeah"! It was fun while it lasted.

Last week's picks: 12-2
Season record: 51-25

1PM Sunday:
Bears (2-3) over Vikings (1-3)
.500, here we come! It looks like the Bears are back on track. Looking at their schedule, I say they end up with 9 or 10 wins, 6 or 7 losses, and a play-off berth.
I see the Pack heading south, the way Kitna's playing in Detroit he's lucky to be out of a wheelchair, and the Vikes will be lucky to end this season with just a losing record (and that's sayin' something). Bears will make this postseason - Write it down.
Postgame: Fuck it. I give up trying to figure out this Bears team - Forget everything I said. As soon as they fix the QB problem, their Defense starts leaking like a sieve. I just don't know.

Browns (2-3) over Dolphins (0-5)
This hotly anticipated match-up of elite QBs finally happens - Cleo Lemon or Derek Anderson; who will win?
-Click-

Redskins (3-1) over Packers (4-1)
I'm really digging my adoptive football squadron (Skins) this season. I'm hoping that they only lose one more game this regular-season (December 6th). Realistically, I think that they'll only lose 3 or 4 more. This ain't one of 'em.
Postgame: The Skins woulda had this one wrapped if their fucking receivers could hold on to the fucking ball. Fucking bums.
Monday Update: THIS sums it up.

Bengals (1-3) over Chiefs (2-3)
The Bengals defense is so depleted that they're actually playing a make-a-wish kid, two migrant laborers that they picked up in front of the 7-11, and a 1985 "Monsters of the Midway" poster on their D-line. It's still gonna be good enough to stop the Chiefs.

Jets (1-4) over Eagles (1-3)
Dear Andy Reid,
You aren't coaching. Seriously, You have more important issues at hand. Both of your sons are in jail and it's fucking obvious that you're just not concentrating on the game - That was crystal-clear after you let the Giants steamroll the same spot in the Philly O-line and sack McNabb 12 fucking times in your last outing. Take a year or two off, and sort out your life before you kill this team.
Sincerely,
The City of Philadelphia
P.S. Trading Jeff Garcia before McNabb was fully healed was really stupid.
P.S.S. BOOOOOO!!!
P.S.S.S. BOOOOOO!!!!

Buccaneers (3-2) over Titans (3-1)
Hey, where's Garcia quarterbacking now? That's right; Tampa. The Bucs are doing pretty good this year. This is gonna be a close one. The Titans have the wonder-tard behind center, remember?
I'm just picking the home-team in this coin-toss.

Jaguars (3-1) over Texans (3-2)
Both are good teams. It just so happens that Jacksonville is gooder.
Note to Mrs. Schindlebeck (my 2nd Grade teacher): Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Ravens (3-2) over Rams (0-5)
The Ravens are playing with all of the athletic vigor of Amando de Ossorio zombies. Still, the Rams are even more hapless than the victims in Amando de Ossorio films. All they do is stand still, scream, trip a couple of times, and die - That's the Rams for you.

4PM Sunday:
Cardinals (3-2) over Panthers (3-2)
I have it on good authority that Matt Leinart broke his collarbone when he fell off of his fat fucking whore of a wife mid-coitus. Luckily for the Cards, half of the Carolina team was injured doing the same.
Postgame: It looks like Warner fell off of Leinart's wife in the first quarter.
Tim Rattay -vs- Vinny Testaverde?!?! What the fuck is this; the CFL?

Cowboys (5-0) over Patriots (5-0)
Fuck you - You heard me right, I'm picking the Cowboys to win this one.
Every-fucking-body is picking the Pats to win this week. Whenever that happens, the other team always seems to pull an upset. The only arguments for the Pats winning that I've heard are:
a) The Cowboys haven't had to play a real team this year. Agreed - The team with the best record they've faced this season is the Chicago Bears under The Quarterback Who Shall Not Be Named, but the best team that the Pats have played this year has the same record at this point (2&3). If you look at the combined win/loss stats of the past opponents of these two teams they break down as such: Pats: 7/17, Boys: 6/19. That's not too different, is it? Plus, Dallas is playing in a division where the other teams rivals have a combined winning record, whereas the Pats are playing in a division where the other teams are 2/13. Dallas has a lot more to play for.
b) The Cowboys fucking sucked against the Bills last week. They still won didn't they? They had no fucking place winning that game, but they did. The last game I saw where something like that happened was last season's Bears -vs- Cardinals game. To pull off a win like that is infinitely more impressive than staging a blow-out. Plus, now Dallas is gonna correct those mistakes, whereas the Pats are expecting last week's Cowboys to take the field.
c) The Patriots don't lose. I'm sure that the NE players are buying into that mentality, and that makes them vulnerable. Every year New England blows a "gimme" game against some shitty team (usually the Jets, Bills, or Dolphins), I think that they're walking into a huge trap this week in Dallas.
All that all being said, I'm fully expecting to get my ass handed to me on this pick.
Postgame: This is what happens when you pick games at 4AM on a Saturday morning. Liquor makes you think funny things.

Chargers (2-3) over Raiders (2-2)
It looks like the Chargers got their "spark" back last week... Bluurgh! That was so horrible that I'm ending this pick before someone gets hurt.

Primetime Sunday Game:
Seahawks (3-2)over Saints (0-4)
This probably seemed like an white-knuckle thrill-ride of a game when NBC picked this one in the offseason. Not so much, now. Use this time to check out Dexter on Showtime, watch Adult Swim, and interact with your loved ones (if you must).
Postgame: Whaaaaa?!? It's official - Football makes no sense at all (this week).

Monday Night Game:
Giants (3-2) over Falcons (1-4)
Believe it or not, The Giants have turned that bend in the road and are looking real good right now. Atlanta is still stuck on the off-ramp with 3 flat tires, no power-steering, and their turn-signal flashing in the wrong direction.
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct picks in GREEN

Rally Crap

This time last week I was violently ill with "playoff fever", which (apparently) involves nervous vomiting, loss of reason, and explosive diarrhea (from consuming massive quantities of Old Style). I'm feeling much better now, thanks.
I've decided that the best course of action is to take a page from the more successful world religions and take my Cubs "faith" to the next level. Anyone who insists that the Cubs didn't win the World Series this year will be branded a heretic and be immersed head-first into a vat of boiling oil.
That solves that.

Okay, now that the Cubs have crapped-up their season, I need something else to get pissed about - Rally caps are that thing.
I'm watching these games and as soon as the home-team gets under, every Gomer in the stands has his fucking hat on inside-out. When did this become acceptable? What fucking dystopia are we living in when this is considered normal behavior?
Now you can't watch any televised sport without seeing this idiocy. Fuck, TO had his stupid fucking hat upside down on his stupid fucking head in that stupid fucking win over the stupid fucking Bills last Monday.
It's fucking stupid. Period. End.
Anyone over the age of 12 caught wearing a stupid fucking rally cap should be tasered, detained, and surgically sterilized by use of a knitting hook and a CrustaStun.
Carve it in stone.

Deal of the Day

Suburban Home Records is having a kick-ass sale - 50 CDs for $50.
You don't get to pick the titles, but they are all new sealed CDs.
I decided to give it a try and was really pleased with my box of discs. I got discs by Drag the River, The Queers, Swingin' Utters, The Travoltas, Moral Crux, The Falcon, Enemy You, F.Y.P., Horace Pinker, (International) Noise Conspiracy, Kill Your Idols, a Smoking Popes Tribute, and a bunch of other shit. The break-down was about 30 full-length albums, about 10 EPs, and about 10 compilations. I'm not into all of the shit that they sent, but the good stuff was more than worth it.
All y'all should scrape together fiddy bucks and take advantage of this offer before it goes away - It's a really good way to get some new music into your collections for practically nothing.

Word of advice: Make sure to have some spare CD cases handy - A lot of the discs had cracked cases and/or "toothless" trays.

Fall '07 Tee-Vee Update

Heroes (NBC)
The second season just started and I'm seriously geeked-up about it. What I want to see: I'm just waiting for a mid-power hero to go the "underwear pervert" route - I can't wait for some schlub with some stupid power to dress up in tights and a cape, thus spilling the proverbial beans.
Verdict: You know you're already watching it - Don't stop.

Dexter (Showtime)
Everybody's favorite serial killer killing serial killer is back! This show alone is worth the price for Showtime.
Verdict: If you don't have Showtime find a friend that does, and who doesn't mind you visiting every Sunday.

Dirty Sexy Money (ABC)
The basic premise is that a do-gooder lawyer (no, really) played by Peter Krause inherits his father's ultra-rich clients after he dies mysterious. The family he represents is essentially a mix of the Kennedys, Rockefellers, and the Hiltons. Chaos ensues. I've been a fan of Krause since his Sports Night days - His best-known role was that of Nate on Six Feet Under (which also starred Michael C. Hall of Dexter). The superb cast carries this show, which includes Donald Sutherland, Glenn Fitzgerald, a Baldwin, and a tranny. Good stuff.
Verdict: A pretty good show that's worth a watch.

Journeyman (NBC)
This is essentially a re-thinking of Quantum Leap starring Kevin McKidd (Lucius Vorenus from HBO's Rome). It's a pretty good show and I appreciate that each episode stands on its own - I have too many story arcs to keep straight as it is. Check it out.
Verdict: Catch it if you can, but not a "must see".

Pushing Daisies (ABC)

Best new show, hands-down - This one gets the L&E Walrus of Approval. I'm really digging this show. It's only one episode in, but I'm watchin' 'em all until this one gets canned (in probably a month or two). Pushing Daisies has a very Tim Burton/Terry Gilliam/Jean-Pierre Jeunet feel to it - Real freakin' cool.

Verdict: Watch it!!! Now!!!
LINK

Reaper (CW)
Kevin Smith's Dead Like Me meets Ghostbusters meets Dogma mash-up. I'm watching it, but it really isn't doing that much for me. I really like Ray Wise (Twin Peaks) as the Devil, but everyone else just seems one-dimensional. If you do check this out, be sure to Tivo it - It seems like 1/2 of this show is fucking commercials. It's worth a watch if there's nothing else on.
Verdict: Meh.

Californication (Showtime)
I like David Duchovny. I like shows with gratuitous nudity. I like this show. It's like Sex and the City for misanthropic single guys.
Verdict: Watch it if you like Mr. Duchovny or nekkid girls.

NFL Picks Week 5

I got off lucky last week. I went 8 & 6 with my picks, but most professional prognosticators did even worse. After last week's topsy-turvey games, I figured that a coin-flip had just as good of a chance of predicting the winners as anybody, so I'm undergoing an experiment this week.
This week I have a guest picker:
I present: The NRA commemorative medallion.
For every game this week I flipped this coin to determine the outcome of the game.
Heads = Home team win.
Tails = Road team win.
I'm picking the games as per usual, but am including the medallion's "picks" at the end of each breakdown.
Let's see who knows more about professional tackle-football; me or an inert hunk of bronze.

Last week's picks: 8-6
Season record: 39-23

1PM Sunday:
Arizona (2-2) over St. Louis (0-4)
Everyone was picking the Rams to be a playoff team and for the Cards to keep on sucking it in the '07 season. Everyone was wrong. Whisenhunt has done an unbelievable job polishing this red-bird-turd this year
NRA Medallion: Cardnials

New England (4-0) over Cleveland (2-2)
I'm hoping that the Browns win this one so that the Bears can get Brady Quinn after Cleveland puts the franchise tag on Anderson. It ain't gonna happen, but...
NRA Medallion: Browns

New Orleans (0-3) over Carolina (2-2)
If Carolina had Delhomme and not Carr starting this game, I'd pick the Panthers hands-down. With a shaken-up Carolina team, I think that the 'Aints have a real good shot to get their first win at home this week.
NRA Medallion: Saints
Postgame: News Flash - If the Saints can't get a win at home over a beat-down Carolina team, they really, really, really stink.

N.Y. Giants (2-2) over N.Y. Jets (1-3)
Giants are heading up, Jets are heading down. Momentum.
NRA Medallion: Giants

Pittsburgh (3-1) over Seattle (3-1)
This is probably the best-matched game in the NFL this week. I'm sticking with the home-team in this one.
NRA Medallion: Steelers

Washington (2-1) over Detroit (3-1)
The Lions have NEVER won at Washington. Let me say that again: The Lions have NEVER won at Washington. I don't see why this week should be any different. I don't care what the stupid medallion says.
NRA Medallion: Lions
Postgame: The Bears should send the Skins a cookie basket. Include a promissory note for more goodies if they can do the same thing against the Pack next week.

Houston (2-2) over Miami (0-4)
Texans -vs- Dolphins: It's a battle for the worst-named team in the NFL. As for the game itself, it's no contest: Texicans all the way. Hell, I'm hoping that the Fish go without a win all year. If they do, I'm getting a bunch of buddies together and pop a few bottles of champagne.
NRA Medallion: Dolphins
Postgame: Hey, Miami! Keep on sucking.

Tennessee (2-1) over Atlanta (1-3)
I would call this one a "lock", but I said that the Texans were a "lock" to beat Atlanta last week. That didn't happen. I'm more contrite this week in picking against the Birds.
NRA Medallion: Falcons

Jacksonville (2-1) over Kansas City (2-2)
The Chiefs might not be nearly as bad as I thought. That's the best I can say about 'em. I like the Jags.
NRA Medallion: Jaguars

4PM Sunday:
Indianapolis (4-0) over Tampa Bay (3-1)
Tampon Bay is doing pretty damned good this year with Garcia under center, unfortunately their Cadillac is in the shop for this road-trip to Indianapolis.
NRA Medallion: Colts

Denver (2-2) over San Diego (1-3)
This game could easily go either way. San Diego is desperate, and Denver just hasn't been able to get things done this year. I'm just picking the home team in this one.
NRA Medallion: Chargers
Postgame: The only move in the NFL stupider than axing Schottenheimer for Norv Turner to help the Chargers win in the playoffs was axing Jake Plummer for Jay Cutler to help the Broncos win in the playoffs. Neither of these teams will have to worry about winning in the playoffs for a long fucking time.

Baltimore (2-2) over San Francisco (2-2)
The Ravens look half-dead lately. The 49ers just lost their QB. God, this game is gonna be depressing. I'm gonna watch because it's the only 4PM game offered in my market, but I'm not gonna like it.
NRA Medallion: Ravens
Postgame: The most exciting part of this game was when I fell asleep on the couch during the third quarter and dreamed that I was being chased by zombies.

Primetime Sunday Game:
Chicago (1-3) over Green Bay (4-0)
The Bears have been built up over the years with one singular purpose in mind: To beat the fucking Packers. It's hurt us a lot over the years, but will come in handy for week 5.
The Bears got clowned in their last prime-time appearance against Dallas, so if they don't want to be completely written-off for this year, they'd better win. Everybody's gonna be watching.
NRA Medallion: Bears
Postgame: Wooooooooooo!!! Woooooooooo!!! Woooooooooo!!! Woo-Hoo!!!

Monday Night Game:
Dallas (4-0) over Buffalo (1-3)
The Bills seem to have found their stride with their new QB. Too bad that the Cowboys are visiting this week to snap the Williams' one game winning streak.
Programing Note: You might want to skip this one for Heroes or Playoff baseball (if the Yanks or the Angels can hold on for a game 4) unless you enjoy embarrassing beat-downs, or listening to three grown men kiss Romo's ass for 3 straight hours.
NRA Medallion: Bills
Postgame: Holy shit! This was probably the game of the year - I really hope that everyone ignored my advice and watched this one, it was a genuine nail-biter. I just wish that I had been wrong with this pick, and that the Williams could have pulled this one off.
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Wrong picks in RED
Correct picks in GREEN

November RIAA'n

DULUTH, Minnesota -- Jammie Thomas, a single mother of two, was found liable Thursday for copyright infringement in the nation's first file-sharing case to go before a jury.

Twelve jurors here said the Minnesota woman must pay $9,250 for each of 24 shared songs that were the subject of the lawsuit, amounting to $222,000 in penalties. LINK

Here's that $222,000 playlist:
*Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" and "November Rain."
*Vanessa Williams "Save the Best for Last."
*Janet Jackson "Let's What Awhile."
*Gloria Estefan "Here We Are," "Coming Out of the Heart" and "Rhythm is Gonna Get You."
*Goo Goo Dolls "Iris."
*Journey "Faithfully" and "Don't Stop Believing."
*Sara McLachlan "Possession" and "Building a Mystery."
*Aerosmith "Cryin' "
*Linkin Park "One Step Closer."
*Def Leppard "Pour Some Sugar on Me."
*Reba McEntire "One Honest Heart."
*Bryan Adams "Somebody."
*No Doubt "Bathwater," "Hella Good" and "Different People."
*Sheryl Crow "Run Baby Run."
*Richard Marx "Now and Forever."
*Destiny's Child "Bills, Bills, Bills."
*Green Day "Basket Case."

She coulda just gone to Wal-Mart and picked up "WOW: This Is Really Shitty Music, Volume 386" for $8.95 - I'm pretty sure all of those tracks are on that compilation.
I propose that everyone chips in to pay her settlement on the expressed condition that the RIAA promises that we will never have to hear any of those aforementioned songs ever again.
It would so be worth it.

Sports Zen

I promise that I'll get up a non-sports-related post up here sometime tomorrow.
That's tomorrow; now more sports crap.

I'm good... calm... relaxed. Seriously. Yeah, I know that the Cubs are down one in the playoffs, and I know the Bears are sucking with the ferocity of an imploded star, but I'm perfectly at ease. I'm not a religious man; I have reserved all of my faith for Chicago sports.
If a Catholic can stick with the church through multiple endemic child-molestation scandals without abandoning the institution, why can't I believe that the Bears are gonna turn this season around? Because it's not rational? Faith itself is the willful abandonment of reason. Suspension of disbelief is what allows a reader to enjoy fiction, and lets me believe that the Cubs will be the 2007 World Series champions. I'm fine with that.

It may have been the series of cerebral aneurysms I had last week when the Bears allowed 34 points in the 4th quarter against the Lions, or the stroke I suffered last night after Lou pulled Zambrano early and Marmol allowed a lead-off home-run in the 8th, but a wave of calm has washed over me. ...and now (for some reason) I can taste "purple".
I believe that the Cubbies will be able to overcome the D-Bags to advance, and I believe that the Bears are gonna turn it around and finish with a winning record.
That's not naive - That's faith.

Playoffs and Payoffs

After the Patriots game tonight, I watched the last few (extra) innings of the Padres -vs- Rockies elimination game. I honestly can say that it was the best 13 inning one-game playoff series I've ever had the experience of watching the end of. High praise, indeed.
The one thing that drove me absolutely fucking nutty was the fucking Rockies dinosaur mascot positioned behind home plate throwing a huge fucking show every time an opposing pitcher went to throw. That's gonna get old real fucking quick in the playoffs. It's nothing a .308 round, a sniper rifle, and a motivated critic couldn't fix, still...
I know it's just some flunkie in a foam suit, but this shit has got to stop. All of the circus crap is ruining the game. While you're at it, rip those fucking LED screens outta Wrigley and can that shitty "Go Cubs Go" tripe. Bah!
Back to the game - My favorite part was where Michael Barret blocked the plate, tagged the runner out, and the ump called the runner safe anyhow. I heard that they fucked-up a home-run call against the Rockies earlier, so I guess that two wrongs calls make a right.
Why isn't there instant replay in the MLB, again? Don't give me the "it takes too much time" argument either. This game was 4 and 1/2 hours long, what's another 10 minutes to get things fucking right? Hell, most games eat up at least 45 minutes with footage of the pitcher tugging on his berries while the hitter does what I can only assume is some involved ancient South-American fertility dance.
It's time for replay (and give the fans a chance to take a leak or grab a smoke at the park).


For some unknown reason, I'm gonna give you my MLB postseason picks. Keep in mind that I have no right to be doing this, as most of my knowledge of the sport (outside of televised Cubs games) comes from ESPN shows.

Division:

Rockies over Phillies
Momentum will carry the Mountain-dwellers on this one.

Red Sox over Angels
Because I fucking hate that rally monkey even more than Sox fans. That's the best I got.

Cubs over Diamondbacks
Pitching and small-ball will lead the Cubs to a win. Also, there are a metric shit-ton Cubs fans down in Arizona (due to the Cactus League). Every game is gonna feel like a home game.

Yankees over Indians
Because experience matters.

League Championship:

Cubs over Rockies
Every year a team from the NL Central seems to make it to the World Series, so I'm going with history (and hope) on this one.

Yankees over Red Sox
Sox fans love to bitch even more than they love to brag. This makes everyone happy.

World Series:

Cubs over Yankees
And then we'll all ride unicorns across the enchanted meadow of super-models, and drink from free-flowing streams of whiskey, and...
It could happen.