Fuckin' Tards In My Backyards

Here's a wonderfully disturbing local story that really isn't getting much national attention. It's another "lady teacher makes the nasty with students" story, but two factors make this one super-special:
1) The students in question take the short-bus to school
2) This is the naughty teacher:Yikes!
LINK

I See Wakkanai, I See Shikoku, I See Japanese Businessmen Trying To Poo-Poo

Hooray,
It's time for another Asian Arert!

I had originally planned on throwing up the Girl's new favorite Japanese children's animated clip - Butt Biting Bug, but as soon as I went to post that clip up here I checked my e-mail and realized that Paulio sent it out over the ePissy wire. That Paul is sneaky like that.

Luckily, there was another e-mail up in there from the Old Dog titled "Asian Arert Material?". Once again, the Old Dog saves my hash.

If practical jokes fell under the standards of Geneva Conventions these would probably be considered war-crimes. Enjoy.

Update Rape

I arrived back in DC last Wednesday night.
In the time since I got back I've managed to secure a 6 month independent consulting contract with an appropriations client.
I fucking hate independent consulting - I promised myself that I'd never do this shit again. No benefits, having to work from home, dealing with clients that are new to the game - It fucking sucks. It's truly the hand-job of government relations work, but it pays big in real spendable money, and coincides with my lease (more or less), so I'm in.
Last time I pulled this "independent contractor" crap I got hit HARD by the IRS and ended up losing almost more money than I made due to a stupid clerical error on my employer's behalf. The company folded, and the IRS isn't big on listening, so I was screwed. I said that that was the last time - I lied.
For now, It'll do.

You, The Reader:
I thought you were heading back to Illinois?

Me:
Here's the deal: I'm in the running for a consulting gig on a certain Presidential campaign; If they can't meet my salary requirements (or if a great offer doesn't fall from the sky out here) I'll probably be back in Chicago sometime around April of '08.
I have already had a few attractive offers out there including a firm commitment from the seminal (insofar as they're all covered in semen) rock band Big Drag for their manager position.
I'll probably take something in marketing.

Until then, here is my "To Do" list for the next six months:
- Start up the 7DA Records eBay page so I don't have to move all that shit back across the country again.
- Learn Dreamweaver (web-design program).
- Learn Flash (web animation program).
- Learn Premier Pro (video editing software).
- Learn the rest of the Adobe CS3 Pro programs (other than Photoshop).
- Practice my guitar, so that I can do more than the most basic rhythm shit.
- Draw down on my "to read" (4 foot high) stack of books.
- Get at least 5 chapters written for the novel, or (at least) 5 short stories.

It'll never happen.

This Really Shouldn't Be Funny... But It Is

Michael Vick's School For Mutha Fuckin' Disobedient Dogs (NSFW)


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Here's another great video I found on the Funny or Die site:
Rollin' With (Bob) Saget

NFL Networking

I'm watching the replay of the Saturday Bears/49ers game right now on NFL Network. I spent most of Sunday with my head in the sand so that I could watch this one fresh on the re-broadcast (including strategically placing masking tape on the HDTV screen to cover the spoiler crawl).
I'm not sure I'll have the patience to wait during the regular season, but (for now) I'm digging it... except...
I was watching the NBC 5 Chicago re-broadcast with Ditka and then at halftime it magically switched over to the San Francisco CBS affiliate broadcast. Fuck that. San Francisco network television looks like a freaking Sarajevo public-access channel.
Frankly, it's embarrassing. It's like the NFL network slipped a fucking cheese-cloth over the lens, decided to unload to 80's era graphics, and lobotomized the commentating crew. Trade Ditka telling humorous anecdotes about Dick Butkus for some mealy-mouthed prick endlessly bitching about the "dampness" of the field and some empty-headed Cali-skank asking Alex Smith (SF QB) how much he can bench. Why not?
Because it fucking sucks.
NFL Network should fucking know it. Stick with the big-boys station.

Plus, if I see that "Viva Viagra" commercial one more fucking time, I'm gonna Elvis my TV with my .45.
Every single fucking commercial break.
I'm glad you gentlemen got your rotten limp pricks back up with the help of Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, but I really don't need to hear you sing about it every five fucking minutes. Yeesh.

On a semi-related subject (to football, not boner-pills); If Da Bears can win their first and last games of this season, they should go undefeated and make those '72 fish-pricks shut the fuck up.

GO BEARS!

Flickr Trip

Instead of taking a load of pics and waiting for a few months to sort through 'em (as I usually do) I've decided to cut the shit and start sorting and posting my photos to my Flickr page every couple of days while I'm out here. There's about one page of new stuff from Illinois and Wisconsin.
Get 'em while they're still artsy.

More of a Text Message than a Blog Post

I'm havin' one hell of a time back in the IL. Huge thanks go out to EdP for swallowing his Sox Pride and scoring us some great tickets for last night's (not so great) Cubs game.

BBQ Sunday?

Beerly Beloved

On my way through through Wisconsin I had to make a detour for a stop at the New Glarus brewery. For those not in the know, the New Glarus Brewing Company (NGBC from here on out) is one of the finest breweries in the world. Seriously - They clean up in all of the international beer competitions.
Due to convoluted state alcohol distribution laws, no NGBC beers are sold in Illinois, so the only way to get the good stuff is to head north of the state line into Cheeseland. It's so worth it. I'm amazed at how many of my friends take the time to head up to the New Glarus Brewery - I can name 3 who went up this week alone. My friends are smart people.

This morning I was dealing with a nasty hang-over, so I did the only sane thing - I popped a couple of Aleve and started drinking loads of NG beer until my hang-over morphed back into a good buzz. So with a good NG buzz a-popin', here's my break-down of the NGBC's Summer '07 offerings:

Wisconsin Belgian Red Style Cherry Ale & Raspberry Tart Ale
These Lambic style ales are sold in 750ml bottles and are two (of the three) greatest "fruit beers" that I've ever had the pleasure of imbibing. Think cherry or raspberry juice with carbonation and a tart finish. The alcohol notes are so muted as to make these two very dangerous to drink in excess. Truly, two beautiful brews.

Hometown Blond Pilsner
A great pilsner that (in my opinion) surpasses the finest offerings from Czechoslovakia and Germany. Superb .

Copper Kettle Weiss
Really good, but a little too heavy on the spice for my tastes. Worth picking up a case, but just not on par with other premium Weiss beirs. Rank it above Blue Moon and Hoegaarden, but a couple of notches below Allagash White.

Totally Naked Lager
Wow! Just "wow". This is hands-down the cleanest beer that I've ever tasted. It's so subtle that you really can pick out the most basic elements of beer. I love this beer - It's great to find a truly basic beer that doesn't taste like stagnant water.

Other
I bought a couple of cases of Dancing Man Hefe-Weizen and Bourbon Barrel Bock that I haven't gotten into just yet (I'll crack open the Bourbon Bock for JFC @ Bill's tomorrow). I'm sure that they're both sublime.

Provst!

Lessons Learned

About twice a year I manage to drive out to Illinois from DC. Surprisingly, every single time you learn something new. This isn't a good thing. This time I got stuck towing a 15x7 Trailer behind me. Here's some stories and/or observations:

Woke up: 5 AM (CST)

DC Experience
I headed over to the U-Haul place as soon as it opened. I'm pretty damned sure that I was the only one there that spoke English (aside from the black girl doing her nails way behind the counter who acted as a reluctant interpreter for such pressing questions as "Which size trailer hitch do I need?" ). Luckily I had a reservation, and a rudimentary grasp of Spanish, so we were on our way.
I never have towed anything larger than a small motorcycle cart with the Jeep, so driving from the U-Haul place towing a huge-ass trailer through the heart of downtown DC during the morning rush hour was sort of a baptism by fire. Hot, hot, honking, swearing fire.
We loaded up the trailer, and I got to drive back through downtown DC again. This time I headed through the 'hood - Bad move. Up on Georgia I could hear kids trying to get into the trailer while I was at a stop light. I knew that the $25.00 U-Haul lock was a good idea.
Like an idiot, I showered before loading up the trailer. I was soaked through with sweat from loading a metric ass-load of crap in 90+ degree weather, so I grabbed a quick rinse-off and a change of clothes before heading out.

Left DC: 11:15 AM (CST) Tuesday

Trailer + Mountains = Bad (Bad + Rain = Worse)
Holy Shit, I must have made this trip a dozen times, but I was white-knucklin' it through this whole leg of the trip. No, not that Ed.
I did learn the importance of shifting while driving automatic. Shift it from drive into "12"* gear for ascending steep inclines and kick it to neutral for the downhill. Repeat endlessly. Pounding outbreaks of rain make it all the more sporting.

Wood Chucks
There are a shitload of groundhogs up in Pennsylvania and Ohio - Those little bastards were everywhere. I'm just sayin', is all...

Reign of Rain
In Western Ohio I was treated to weather phenomenon that is normally reserved exclusively for Jan de Bont films or biblical epics. It was actually really fucking cool, but...
Sometime in the afternoon I was heading along and then all I could see in front of me was a wall of black punctuated by lightning bursts. Pretty fucking scary. I headed into it, and immediately regretted doing so. It was midnight-dark, sideways firehose rain kept trying to push over the trailer, I couldn't see 10 feet in front of the windshield, an blinding lightning was crashing down on all sides of me. I slowed down to 35MPH turned on my hazard lights, ,and hunkered down behind the Semi in front of me - It was fine. This lasted for about 10 miles, and then... bright sunshine, weird.

Indiana at Night
You know what? I always pick on Indiana, but this time I actually enjoyed that leg of the trip. Well, except for the omnipresent "Indiana burning plastic" smell, which would freak out anyone who had been towing a packed 3000lb trailer for the last 10 hours straight.
By the time I got to the Ohio/Indiana border it was already dark out. I had been going for so long that I was starting to see tracers, but I figured that if I could get through the Indiana and Illinois construction fiascoes without traffic, it would be worth it.
Driving through Indiana in the dark was actually an unexpected treat. It's a lot like being in junior high, getting drunk on Boone's Farm Pina-Colada "wine", and porking the one really ugly girl in your class with the lights off. You know full-well what's going on, you're kinda queezy, but it really ain't so bad, and (plus) you're making great time.
My favorite part of driving through Indiana after dark was flying through all of the mind-bogglingly-stupid construction projects. "Let's take 3 lanes down to 1 on a bridge right after a sharp turn - What could go wrong?" I was freakin' giddy that I missed that crap.
Indiana should just give the fuck up and accept it's place as the Arkansas of the North. Fixing roads? Who the hell do they think they're fooling. Just change the state slogan to: "Indiana - This Is As Good As We're Gonna Get", and go back to watching the WWE in the state's collective double-wide. Everybody's happy.

Jesse White - Conceptual artist
I finally escaped Indiana only to be greeted back to my home state by approximately ten thousand orange and white striped barrels everyfuckingwhere.
My theory is that some asshole bought (IL Secretary of State) Jesse White a Marcel Duchamp coffee-table book for his birthday, and now he considers himself a surrealist installation artist. I missed the press conference where he stated "This piece is called 30 miles of highway with endless barrels over the one good lane that isn't riddled with potholes".
What the fuck? There's one good lane on all of the IL 80/94 stretch and it's covered in motherfucking construction cones. Are they saving that pristine lane for if the Pope visits?
I finally got through all of that shit and then was greeted by Secretary White's "deconstructionist period" once I hit I-88 - It's like he just had to top the Minnesota 'Dadaist Bridge' installation piece.

Bounce
Crazy bouncing action is awesome for mexed-out vintage low-riders, not so much for 1999 Jeep Cherokees towing a 3000LB trailer. For some fucking unknown reason the Reciprocating action between truck and trailer kept making my Jeep bounce like a motherfucker . This phenomena kept happening throughout the trip, but really intensified up on 88. At that point I was queezy already from eating nothing but 1 bag of Nacho-Cheeze Combos and a handful of pep-pills over the last 24 hour period. The last thing I needed was the bouncy. I tried to stop the bouncing by (alternately) coasting, braking, and accelerating. That really did little to stop the bouncing, but really did a great job of looking like I was moving drunk. The only thing that stopped the bouncing cold was if I hit a pothole or a risen crack in the asphalt - Luckily, I was driving down I-88.

Drunk-Ass
I had traveled 740 fucking miles and 10 miles from my destination I almost got wiped by some drunk asshole in a pickup. I've seen a lot of drunken driving in my day, but this takes the fucking cake - This sort of drunken driving is usually reserved for silent-film serials and DMV "awareness" videos. Jerkass was driving down the center of 56 at 30 miles an hour and swerving to the edges of both lanes all the way between 88 and 47. I finally saw a window and jetted past as fast as I possible could. Drinky pickup guy got spooked, went off the road, corrected and almost came back right into the trailer. He missed the back by less than a foot.
Idiot.


Arrive at Parents' House: 1:15AM (CST) Wednesday

Soundtrack
I love WMA CDs. I threw together about 5 WMA CDs with different albums on 'em for the trip. I used one of 'em. That's right - one CD lasted me from just north of DC to Naperville. 13.5 hours straight.
I started the DC leg with the Summer WILT.
Just after leaving the DC region I threw on the roots/country mix I made, because country is the ultimate road music. I'm really picky about "country music". I love the old stuff, and I like the alt-country stuff, but almost everything that has come out of Nashville since 1962 is total shit.
Here's the mix:
Patsy Cline: "12 Greatest Hits" & "The Patsy Cline Story"
Drag the River: a B-Sides comp I threw together
Greg Graffin: "Cold as the Clay"
Chad Rex and the Victorstands: "Gravity Works, Fire Burns"
Son Volt: "Trace"
Stanley Brothers: "Complete Columbia Recordings"
Uncle Tupelo: "89-93 - An Analogy"
Whiskeytown: "Pneumonia" & "Stranger's Almanac"
Wilco: "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot"
Willie Nelson: "The Essential Willie Nelson - Parts 1 & 2"
Great fucking driving music.
At Naperville (when Patsy came back on), I threw on the second Comp and listened to (most) of the new Against Me! album.

Breakdown of Trip (By People Passed)
People I Passed:
- An elderly Asian lady driving a Cadillac
- 3 or 4 tractor-trailers going up mountain**
- A mini-van with a half dozen bikes piled up and haphazardly strapped to the roof
- 3 Hispanic guys in a smoking*** Malibu
- Drunk-Ass

People who passed me:
- Everyone else (including a fucking cement mixer)

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Footnotes
* Wow, This thing has 12 gears? I'm assuming that it stands for 1st and 2nd, but having 12 gears would be so much sweeter
**Later passed by same trucks going down mountain
*** Literally. Smoke was pouring out from under the hood. They just kept booking along at 45 MPH

Back In IL

14 hours, 15 minutes - Tons 'o' stories.

Look for the full post tomorrow (ie: later today).

Until then, here's my 5 day forecast:
Tomorrow: I'm free, but have to get up early Thursday morning.
Thursday: Haul crap up to western Wisconsin.
Friday: Drive back (through New Glarus - sweet!). Turn around and haul another load up (if needed), if not - Drink.
Saturday: Drink
Sunday: John From Cincinnati season (series?) finale.

Headin' West (With a Vengeance)

Tomorrow I'll be heading back to the heartland in yet another attempt to clog up the nation's arteries and induce severe national cardiac failure. Okay, I'm just going to be towing a trailer full of crap up to western Wisconsin for the parents, but I still like my made-up reason better.
If I can make it back in one shot I may have a free afternoon on Wednesday. There's a decent chance that I'll be out on Friday. But for damn sure:
ANNEX DRINKIN' NIGHT THIS SATURDAY.
I expect the D-Town drinkin' brigade to be out in force. Carve it in stone, bitches.

On Barry Bonds

Above is his 1985 Topps rookie card.

I default to Wired's The Luddite and The Onion on this one.
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UPDATE: And how did everybody miss THIS?

Random Memory #729

From 1993:

I’m staggering down some back-alley side street off of Sacramento Avenue in Chicago with blood running from my broken face and down the front of my shirt to my jeans to my boots to the pavement. Dripping. Flowing.

It’s all her fault.

Ancient Chinese Secret

Below is a list of model names and product numbers for the 1 million + recalled Fisher-Price toys, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission:

33662 Elmo Light Up Musical Pal
33663 Ernie Light Up Musical Pal
33664 Big Bird Light Up Musical Pal
34658 Elmo Stacking Rings
39038 Elmo Tub Sub
39054 Sesame Street Shape Sorter
87946 Elmo Keyboard
90267 Ernie Splashin' Fun Trike
90609 Elmo Collectible
90611 Cookie Collectible
90612 Zoe Collectible
90613 Ernie Collectible
90614 Big Bird Collectible
90745 Construction Playset
93068 Elmo Boom Box
93107 Action Fire Engine
93307 Press N Go Elmo
93308 Rev & Go Cookie Monster
93492 Cookie Saxophone
93493 Elmo's Guitar
93615 Splash Tub Puzzle
93780 Music And Lights Phone
B7554 Count To Beat Elmo
B7888 Shake, Giggle & Roll
B7987 Elmo in the Giggle Box
B7989 Silly Parts Talking Elmo
B9620 Dora's Talking House
C6908 Dora, Backpack, Perrito Figure Pack
C6909 Diego Figure Pack
C6910 Swiper Figure Pack
C6911 Boots, Tico Figure Pack
G3825 Dora Talking Vamonos Van
G5112 Sing With Elmo's Greatest Hits
G9717 Giggle Doodler
H2943 Grow with Me Elmo Sprinkler
H3343 Cousin Daisy
H3344 Birthday Dora
H5569 Elmo & Pals (Elmo, Cookie, Ernie)
H5570 Elmo & Pals (Elmo, Zoe, Big Bird)
H4187 Dora Figures in Tube
H4628 Water Fun Tote
H8236 Dora 3 Pack Figures in Tube
H8237 Blue 3 Pack Figures in Tube
H8238 Sponge Bob 3 Pack Figures in Tube
H9124 Chef Dora
H9125 Bedtime Dora
H9186 Giggle Grabber Ernie
H9188 Giggle Grabber Oscar the Grouch
J0338 Diego Talking Field Journal
J0343 Go Diego Go Antarctic Rescue
J0344 Go Diego Go Deep Sea Rescue
J0345 Go Diego Go Mountain Rescue
J0346 Go Diego Go Talking Rescue 4 X 4
J5935 Giggle Grabber Soccer Elmo
J5936 Giggle Grabber Chef Cookie Monster
J6537 Sesame Street Giggle Toolbelt
J6762 Queen Mami
J6763 Royal Boots and Tico
J6765 Prince Diego
J7983 Sesame Street Tub Pots & Pans
J9518 Sesame Street Giggle Drill
J9692 Dora's Talking Pony Place
K0617 Twins Nursery
K3414 Diego - Talking Gadget Belt
K3571 Go Diego Go Mobile Rescue Unit
K3580 Fairytale Adventure Dora
K4139 Go Diego Go Dinosaur Rescue
K4140 Toucan Motorcycle Rescue
L0305 Dora Figure
L3194 Surprise Inside Diego Eggs
L3215 Sesame Street Elmo Jack-In-The-Box
L3488 Sesame Street Birthday Figure Pack
L3507 Sesame Street - Super Boom Box
L5202 Birthday Dora
L5813 Diego Tub Trike
L8905 Pablo & Pals
M0351 Dora Figures Dora & Kitty
M0352 Dora Figures Diego & Bear
M0524 Go Diego Go Talking Gadget
M0527 Sesame Street Giggle Doodler
M0732 Dora's Talking House
M2051 Let's Go Rescue Center
M2052 Fairytale Castle

Filthy.
"Elmo Tub Sub", "Action Fire Engine", "Count To Beat Elmo", "Elmo in the Giggle Box", "Silly Parts Talking Elmo", "Bedtime Dora", "Giggle Grabber Oscar the Grouch", "Surprise Inside Diego Eggs", "Go Diego Go Talking Gadget", and the mother-fucking "Sesame Street Giggle Drill"? The whole freakin' list reads like a Perverted Justice expose.
Forget about lead paint, the Red Chinamen (and that deviant, Elmo) are trying to poison our children's minds with thinly veiled Freudian innuendo.

Okay, maybe I'm pissed just because those cock-sucking celestials ripped off my street name: "The Giggle Doodler".
Asshores.

Woo-Hoo

Holy (Cow) Shit!

My beloved Cubbies are sitting first (by a huge .001th of a percentage point) in the NL Central standings in motherfucking August. Granted, leading the NL Central is like being the points-leader in the Special Olympics, but still... There are SIX fucking teams in that sonovabitch, so I still say it beats the piss outta the AL West. Give the Astrholes over to 'em and we'll call it even.

Now I'm just waiting for another craptastic late-season collapse. Nothing sez "Cubbies" like a catastrophic September explosion.
Until then, I'm on cloud 9.