Technical Difficulties (X-Mas Edition)

Notice:
If anyone sent me a text between late Monday Night and about 2PM on Christmas Day, I never got it.
I've been up in West Hooterville, Wisconsin over the past few days, and the closest thing that they have to internet connectivity out there is the town copy of 'The Book of Norwegian Jokes: Uff-Da Edition'.
It didn't help matters that I own the worst fucking phone ever conceived by beast or man. If there is any justice in the world, the worthless twat who designed the LG EnV will die of complications from a perforated bowel.

GOD, DO I HATE THIS PHONE! --pounding phone into desk--

Anyway, once I got back toward civilization, a message appeared on my phone screen: "12 Missed Messages - Inbox Full - Unable to Retrieve - Messages Deleted".
Fucking worthless phone.
So, if you were one of the people who texted me, I'm not intentionally being a huge X-Mas A-Hole (well, no more so than usual) - I just never got your message.

So to all those who tried to text me some baby Jesus B-Day shit; I say Merry X-Mas and watch out for the Krampus.

Does This Mean That the Smoking Banis Null & Void?

I know at one time or another we've all considered withholding funding from a Children's Hospital for bribe money, but the Blagoff is the only person (outside of a Dickens novel) to have the huevos to actually do so.
Kudos to you, Rod. You are truly a scum-fuck amongst scum-fucks.

Now do the honorable thing, and take a dive in front of a Brown Line train before you embarrass yourself even further.

At Least it Wasn't Guliani

You'll never guess what I came across while I was cleaning out my internets.

The following list was from a stillborn L&E post that never made it back in JUNE of 2007.
That was when the Presidential Primary candidates from both parties were beginning to shake out, and I decided to rank them (from best to worst) as I evaluated their leadership potential.

I never finished it because I was still working in politics back at this point (and doing consulting for several candidates on this list), and didn't want to burn any bridges.
I just ranked every potential candidate on my assessment of their character, their level of experience, and my personal relationships with them and/or their offices. The list is shockingly (in retrospect) non-partisan.

Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) finished 20th out of 21.

The following is my presidential "power rankings" list from June 15th, 2007:

1. Mitt Romney (R)
2. Bill Richardson (D)
3. Ron Paul (R)
4. Mike Gravel (D)
5. Fred Thompson (R)
6. John McCain (R)
7. Hillary Clinton (D)

Top 1/3 = 4 Republican - 3 Democrat

8. Tommy Thompson (R)
9. Duncan Hunter (R)
10. Jim Gilmore (R)
11. Ralph Nader (I)*
12. John Edwards (D)
13. Dennis Kucinich (D)
14. Joe Biden (D)

Middle 1/3 = 3 Republican - 4 Democrat*

15. Sam Brownback (R)
16. Mike Huckabee (R)
17. Chris Dodd (D)
18. Tom Tancredo (R)
19. Michael Bloomberg (I)*
20. Barack Obama (D)
21. Rudy Guliani (R)

Bottom 1/3 = 5 Republican* - 2 Democrat
---
*Including Nader as Democrat & Bloomberg as Republican in tallies.

Ain't that a kick in the nuts.

Before I Shut the Fuck Up

First I'd like to definitively answer the Old Dog's query, and categorically state that the reason that I've stopped blogging is that I haven't dug myself into any alcohol-induced holes as of late (ladies). Well, until now.

I'm sorry if I've riled some of you up with my blunt assessment of Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect). There's a superb conversation thread in the comment field of the post below (if you haven't checked it out yet).

I just want to reiterate that:
A) I'm just getting it out there now, so I can gloat later if I happen to be correct in my assessment.
B) I hope that I'm wrong-as-hell in my aforementioned assessment.
C) I wish nothing but the best for Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) and his minions.

All I know is that I've watched enough History Channel to know that when there's a charismatic cult-of-personality figure standing before countless masses that are chanting in unison and making obscure hand gestures, that the guy behind the podium is both lying out of his ass and up to no good.

Plus, It's never a good sign when our (already depleted) financial markets break through the floor in the days following an election.
I just can't picture the world's financial mavens saying: "Huzzah! Our guy won. This is the end of the tumultuous period that has plagued us mercilessly and stripped our houses bare. A new day is dawning, and we are now at the precipice of a great new era of bounty and prosperity".
--slight pause--
"SELL! SELL! SELL!"

Okay, I lapsed back into "sarcastic prick" mode there for a second, but I'm getting it all out now, because I promise to play nice and not say anything mean about Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) unless he starts to pull some shit like he did back in his state Senate days (on July 2nd, 1998 - to be precise) when he advocated banning the sale or transfer of ALL forms of semi-automatic weapons.
For those not in the know, almost every single gun manufactured in the world today falls under the "semi-automatic" classification. Shotguns are semi-auto, Pistols are semi-auto, revolvers are semi-auto, most rifles are semi-auto. If this ban were to pass, the only guns that wouldn't fall under this classification would be antiquated break-action single-shot guns, breech loaders, muzzle loaders, bolt-action guns, and fully automatic weapons (which are already way-illegal).

You wouldn't give a wet shit, you say?

Well here's a thought experiment:
Let's suppose the the Bush Administration somehow finagled legislation through Congress that mandated that the right of free-speech guaranteed to us by the first amendment didn't apply to any form of communication that was invented subsequent to 1885 (the year the semi-automatic process was patented).
I wouldn't put it past 'em.
That means the first amendment wouldn't apply to anything produced with and/or utilizing the following technologies: Linotype typesetting, any Recorded Media (subsequent to rotating cylinder), personal Telephone, Offset press, Screen-printing, Film, Photocopier, Television, Telex, Computer, Cellular technology, the Internet, or (essentially) anything that uses any form of electricity in it's use and/or production process.

Would that be okay with you?

Let me tell you; I'd be unholy pissed. That would be a great time to have a stockpile of modern firearms, because it's damn near impossible to overthrow a totalitarian government with rubber hippie daisies and clever slogans.

Apples and oranges, you say?

Those are the 1st and 2nd rights bestowed upon us by the founding fathers.

The second amendment is misinterpreted, you say?

Talk to the Supreme Court - Their number is: (202) 479-3011.
Good luck with that. If you could, like, change their mind, you totally would, like, be on television or something.

All I'm saying is that once you start fucking around with the Constitution, you set a precedent for every single nut-job to strip away any right that they don't deem necessary.

That's not a good thing.

Okay, got carried away there again for a second.
I'm back on the nice now. I promise not to say anything more on the subject, unless Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) does something that gets me going, or one of you unwashed heathens keeps me riled-up on this....

... although, I do have some personal thoughts and experiences I'd like to share with you on his appointed Chief of Staff....

...Wait for it.

Change Comes from Within

Eight years ago I told everyone that would listen that George W. Bush was a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his election would be the bane of the Republican party for decades.

Chalk one up for the Liar.

I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly state that Barrack Obama is a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his administration will be a huge embarrassment for the Democratic party.

It is my sincerest hope that sometime in my lifetime we can elect one single United States President based on merit rather than manufactured populist appeal.

I can dream, can't I?

It's Always the Old Dogs That Suffer

A couple of days ago I received this impassioned plea from the Old Dog via e-mail:

Hey, yours is one of the only 2 or 3 blogs that I bother to look at at all anymore, and you haven't posted since Sept. 27th?

I know that we've been a little out of touch lately, but WHO ARE YOU, and what have you done with Josh?

- Joe

I too am wondering why I'm sucking it at the whole blogging thing since I moved back to Illinois. Here are my thoughts: I really don't have much to say. Believe it or not, there is little to nothing going on right now.
Okay, that's a bullshit excuse. Having zilch to write about has never stopped me before, but I just haven't had the drive to sit down and hammer out anything (other than KfS NFL picks) lately.

I think the real problem is the stupid fucking smoking ban.
No not that one. The one in my apartment.

My old routine was to sit down in front of the computer with a bourbon on the rocks and a cigarette and bang out nonsense 'til my hearts content. When we moved into the new place, I let The Girl talk me into going "smoke free" so that everything in our house wouldn't reek of stale tobacco smoke. I can't drink bourbon without a smoke, and I can't write without the whiskey. That was my routine. Now it's been dismantled. That's probably why I never wrote anything while I was staying at the parents' place either. Without a smoke and a rye on the rocks, blogging just seems kinda pointless. I just don't have the motivation to sit down and write anything.
That's it, but at least our drapes smell nice.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to the patio to have a smoke before the thunderstorm I hear in the distance hits.

Household Hieroglyph

I noticed this pictogram on the side of a box of dryer-sheets, and for the life of me, I can't decipher it.
Here are my best guesses:
A) DO NOT PLACE SEAGULL IN TEAKETTLE
B) THIS IS NOT AN ENCHANTED WISHING LAMP - DO NOT RUB FOR GENIE
C) NOT FOR USE WITH EUROPEAN A/C PLUG-IN ANAL STIMULATORS

The Apartment

We're finally getting settled into the new place.
It's pretty fucking sweet.

Lies, Lazarus, Lies!

'Lies and Exaggerations' has been stuck under a 6-foot blanket of e-dirt for the last 2 months, but now is clawing back to the surface with bloodied vengeful fingertips for another deep breath of sickly-sweet internet air.
God help you all.

In the last 2 months I've been in 9 different states, traveled over 3,500 miles, rescued The Girl from the Potomac cesspool, moved 12 metric tons of worthless shit halfway across this country, and have relocated to the one (non-Muslim) city that has more bullshit "government knows best" laws/ordinances than DC - I'm talkin' about Chicago ("Help me, I'm being oppressed"), Illinois.

I've got a new fortified stronghold, some fortified wine, a bunch of stories, a few new things that are pissing me off, and all the time in the world.

We're back in business, folks.

Limited Time Offal

Since EVERYFUCKINGBODY crapped out on me for the Sludgeworth/Effigies show tonight (read: Friday night), I'm not sure you all will be interested in this following offering, but I'm gonna throw it out there anyhow.

I've got two (2) free tickets to the Alkaline Trio show this Thursday - They were just givin' 'em out at the Sludgeworth show. I'm not the biggest A3 fan, but I'm assuming that since they sell a bazillion records, that someone reading this might have some interest in seeing them play live for free.
(click on picture --to left-- for the fine-print)

Here's the deal: First person to ask gets the tickets, and they have to pick them up from me at my convenience.

Anyone?

BTW: All you dirty cocksuckers missed one of the greatest all-time sets tonight. Sludgeworth rocked it out. It was probably one of the 25 best shows that I've ever been to, and considering that I've been going to 3 or 4 shows a week since I was 15, that's saying something. You all should be ashamed - Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Flickr Rising

In a half-assed effort to try and get my eLife back on track, I just posted almost one full page of photos up on my Flickr page. Plus, now I got a blog post out of posting the photos online. Score one for me.
Hurry up and get 'em while they're artsy.

What I'm Listening To - Summer 2008The End of an Error

This is it kids; This is the final WILT. After three years and 11 previous WILTs, I'm deciding to kill-off the WILT and go back to doing random comps. I'll be making some of those mixes available up here on L&E, but the quarterly schedule and liner notes are gone.
Sorry, WILT; we had some really great times together, but now everything has changed and I think it's time that it would be best if I started making other mix-CDs. It was totally awesome while it lasted, and I'll always remember you when I'm flipping past the old WILT CDs in my Jeep looking for the newer hot-assed compilation.
Well then, look at the time, I really should be going. I'll see you around... Bye.Liner Notes:
1) The Travoltas - Pray for Sun
from the 2000 album Teenbeat
There's no better way to kick off summer than with a mouthful of Scandinavian bubblegum-pop. Here it is.

2) Dillinger Four - Maximum Piss & Vinegar
from the 2000 album Versus God
I'm all about D4 right now. I've been listening to their stuff on an unending loop. This here's a good one.

3) Grinderman - No Pussy Blues
from the 2007 Self-Titled album
Best. Song. Ever. This track is from last year's Nick Cave side-project - It is so good, it's scary. Plus, the video is pretty nifty - Check it out HERE.

4) The Network - Right Hand-A-Rama
from the 2003 album Money Money 2020
How could I not follow up "No Pussy Blues" with a song about masturbation? I really couldn't. Here's the boys from Green Day's dance-punk side-project - It gets extra summer points for a lifting a riff from Eddie Cochran's "Summertime Blues".

5) El-P - Up All Night
from the 2007 album I'll Sleep When You're Dead
Those kids sure do love the NYC hip-hop. Get your ass up off of that computer chair and out onto the dance floor.

6) Shiina Ringo - Torikoshi Gurou
from the 2004 album Karuki Zamen Kuri No Hana
I'd been saying for years that there was a surprising lack of Jew's harp in modern Japanese avant-garde jazz pop. Well, someone listened - Thank you Shiina Ringo.

7) The Raveonettes - You Want the Candy
from the 2008 album Lust Lust Lust
If songs could give you cavities, this one would be the Pixie-Stick wearing away your enamel and worming it's way down to the raw nerve.

8) The Jesus and Mary Chain - Between Planets
from the 1989 album Automatic
Here's a blast from the past that sounds just like all of the new hipster crap coming out right now. It was either this or Joy Division, but JAMC wins the award this cycle.

9) The Tim Version - Swinging Doors
from the 2003 album Prohibition Starts Tomorrow
I really dig these guys; they seem to be, musically, somewhere between Drag the River and Dillinger Four. Last comp got a D4esque song, this one gets a DtResque track.

10) Drag the River - Tobacco Fields
from the 2008 album You Can't Live This Way
Speaking of DtR, Here's a track from their last album.
Remember kids, your tobacco fields must be planted no closer than 15 feet from the entrance of any public building. Leave it to the fucking goody-goodies to ruin the last true American industry. Fucking twats.

11) Tiger Army - Where the Moss Slowly Grows
from the 2007 album Music From Regions Beyond
Moss can be grown within 15 feet of any public building... unless it happens to be exciting in any way - If so; that's a paddlin'.

12) Flatfoot 56 - This Town
from the 2006 album Knuckles Up
This song reminds me of a mix of Dropkick Murphys and Turbonegro, which is kinda funny when you consider that Faltfoot 56 is a South-Side Christian band. It takes all kinds, I guess.

13) Gogol Bordello - Ultimate
from the 2007 album Super Taranta!
I really need to find a place to see these guys where I'm allowed to smoke and drink frightening quantities of booze...
Dear Milwaukee-Fest,
Please consider Gogol Bordello for your festival this year. Please, please, please, please, please?
Love,
Liar

14) Fuckemos - Amputeen
from the 2001 album Airshow 2000
And they say that no one writes great love songs anymore? Piffle.

15) Bad Religion - Before You Die
from the 2007 album New Maps of Hell
Before I die, I really want to find a cure for suburban white kids that think that they're hard-core Englewood street thugs. Okay, one that doesn't involve .454 Casull hollow-points.

16) Turbonegro - Hot and Filthy
from the 2007 album Retox
You've gotta love those hot & filthy summer nights. If not, you're doing it wrong.

17) The KKK Took My Baby Away - Cool Millions
from the 2002 Ramones tribute The Song Ramones the Same
Yet another Dwarves side-project. Why the alias? I have no freaking idea -This is the only song that they've ever recorded under this moniker, and they've never bothered to clarify. It's awesome nonetheless.

18) Dr. Who on Holiday - Dean Gray
from the 2005 mash-up project American Edit
OMG; It's one of those super-scary mash-ups that are killing the music industry. Everybody panic!

19) The Queers - Punk Rock Girls
from the 1996 album Don't Back Down
See #16 and substitute 'punk rock girls' for 'summer nights' and 'them' for 'it'.

20) Teenage Bottlerocket - Wasting Time
from the 2008 album Warning Device
So far, "Warning Device" is by-far my favorite record of '08. Get yourselves some up in your ear-holes.

21) The Methadones - Getting Older/Losing Touch
from the 2007 album This Won't Hurt...
Quick question: Did you have to be 'in touch' before in order to 'lose touch'? Okay, I'm out.

22) Armchair Martian - Crestfallen
from the 2007 compilation Good Guys, Bad Band
Now that Drag the River is tits-up, I'm really hoping for a new Armchair Martin CD, ASAP. I've been saying that for the last 5 WILTs, and will continue to do so until the new record drops.

23) Bad Astronaut - Megan
from the 2003 Smoking Popes Tribute compilation
Here's a Bad Astronaut cover of a Smoking Popes tune. You probably already figured that out considering that I'm just rewriting information that was clearly stated above. Too bad, that's all I got.

24) Beasts of Bourbon - Evil Ruby
from the (out-of-print) 1984 album Axeman's Jazz
I've been listening to these guys again due to EdP's passing interest on the message boards. I'm a sucker like that. Wikipedophile says: "The Beasts of Bourbon's music has often been compared to that of a rougher Rolling Stones (whose 'Cocksucker Blues' they covered), The Gun Club (who they played with and who some Beasts filled in for) and The Birthday Party... Their music is a tough amalgam of country music, blues, rock and roll and punk parsed through the garage sound of The Stooges and the drunken mayhem of Australian pub rock. It often touches on themes of depravity, morbidity, despair, drug abuse and violence."
I'm not gonna argue.

25) Jason Webley - Train Tracks
from the 2002 album Counterpoint
This is my favorite track off of this WILT (with the possible exception of "No Pussy Blues"). I really want to grab a bunch of folks, sit out by a campfire drinking whiskey straight from the bottle, and listen to this track on repeat until the bottle's dry. Then we'll open another bottle and discuss the possibility of listening to another song. Sounds fucking great to me.

26) Ben Weasel - Summer's Always Gone too Soon
from the 2007 album These Ones are Bitter
Too true, Mr. Weasel, too true. And this comp is done now... and the WILT experiment... and these stupid fucking "liner notes"... all gone... bye-bye.

--END--

Here's the deal:
1) It's FREE
2) I'm only doing forty more of these (the first 10 went out at the bar last Saturday)
3) Shoot your mailing address to dclies(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll mail you out a copy

Indiana Jones and the Palace of the Virgin Fan-Boys

Tonight I decided to catch the midnight showing of the new Indiana Jones flick because: A) I'm a total nerd-loser who has never touched boobies, and B) I don't have a damned place to be tomorrow morning - Suck it you counterrevolutionary wage-slaves of the bourgeoisie.

Since you "look at me, I'm gainfully employed" chumps aren't gonna see the movie until sometime this weekend, Here are a few lies plot-points to tide you over until you get a chance to see it for yourselves:

1) The whole film is played out using Lego figurines (screen shot above).

2) John Williams' musical score has been replaced by instrumental versions of Devo's "Whip It" played with varying intonations.

3) The entire second half of the film turns into a steamy AARP version of a late-night Cinemax soft-core porno featuring Indy and Marion. The only real action unfolds when a boulder rolls out from Marion's uncrossed thighs and chases Indy through the Fantasy Suites Hotel.

4) Jar-Jar Binks' skull figures heavily into the story-line and there are several references throughout to "the great Gungan race".

5) The short before the film is a 15 minute documentary on India narrated by Steven Spielberg extolling the great history and diverse culture of the Indian Republic. Several mentions are made to the fact that they do not, indeed, eat monkey brains, but it is pointed out that they do field a lot of the customer service calls for collection agencies, so if they'd just be cool about "Temple of Doom thing", we'd be willing to look the other way on that later travesty.

6) Short Round (now going by the name of Pol Pot) reappears in the new film and pleads with Indy to join his "Khmer People's Revolutionary Party".

7) Dramatic bare-knuckled boxing match between Henry "Indiana" Jones and Joseph "The Man of Steel" Stalin over the Aleutian Islands. Indy wins, but sustains several severe blows to the head - For the remainder of the film, he refers to Marion as "Adrian".

8) Turns out, Indy's fedora was, in fact, a symbiotic brain parasite who has been controlling his every word and action throughout the entire series.

9) In the end, the Crystal skull turns out to be a cheap forgery, readily available to tourists in Peru for 50 nuevo sols a pop. Indy and Joel Cairo decide to frame-up Wilmer Cook to take the fall for all of the mayhem which has ensued in pursuit of the worthless trinket. Reluctantly, Indy turns Marion over to the authorities for her hand in the death of Miles Archer.

10) Despite drinking from the holy grail at the end of "Last Crusade", Indy is obviously aging and his father has since passed. They explain this incongruity by revealing that there is no God, all of the Judeo-Christian mythos were hokum, and that dark wizards were responsible for all of the miraculous happenings in the first and third films.

---
By the way: There's no "stinger" at the end of the film. So you're free to urinate as soon as the credits start to roll (figuratively, of course, unless you're watching the movie on the South-Side; then literally).

Technical Difficulties

L&E has come to a grinding halt due to an unforeseen technical glitch.
My PC Monitor is seriously on the fritz, and I'm too broke to have it fixed. Here's the deal: It keeps blacking out - Sometimes it takes over an hour, sometimes it's immediate. Nonetheless, after it blacks-out it rarely will come back unless I restart the computer or turn off the monitor for an hour or more. Even then, I can't expect more than a few minutes of work time before it blanks-out again.
If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

From the "Bad Ideas That Sound Good When You're Really Fucking High" File

HOUSTON -- Three teenagers are accused of digging up a corpse, removing the head and using the skull as a bong to smoke marijuana, Houston police said

Matthew Richard Gonzalez and Kevin Wade Jones, both 17, and their 16-year-old friend were arrested Wednesday and charged with abuse of a corpse.

Police said the trio told investigators they dug up a body from an Humble area cemetery in March, decapitated it and converted the head into a marijuana pipe....

LINK

All you need to know is that all involved were from Texas and home-schooled. Enough said.

An Open Letter to Senator Hillary Clinton

Senator Clinton,

Please refrain from using any further "Rocky" comparisons. You are not a half-retarded Philly street fighter. Plus, if you had bothered to watch the film, you'd know that at the end of the film Rocky loses in a split-decision to the charismatic, media obsessed, black man. Seriously.
That kind simplistic comparison may fly in Pennsylvania where the populous is too busy booing at professional sporting events to even bother to remember the names of their children, but the rest of the nation is giggling behind your back. It really is some funny shit.
If you feel some driving need to compare yourself to a specific character portrayed by Sylvester Stalone (who, by the way, has already endorsed McCain), I'd recommend Marion Cobretti, Lincoln Hawk, or Judge Dread.

Yours in Christ,
The Liar

Obamania

Mania: An irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action.There's a lot of noise in the media about the three Abercrombie dudes standing behind Obama durring his Pennsylvania concession speech in Indiana. I really don't think that it was staged. I watched that speech live on MSNBC, and as I was watching it unfold live I had two thoughts:
a) Yup, that's fucking Indiana.
b) Yup, those are Obama supporters.
Wake up - THAT'S HIS BASE!
Senator Obama has become the 'livestrong' bracelet/pink ribbon/labradoodle of 2008. He's become a mall-culture messiah of the vapid masses. He's the black friend for everyone who wouldn't be caught dead in a black neighborhood. He's the hot new icon for the Abercrombie generation - All style, zero substance - A cotton-candy fart wrapped in the hopes and dreams of every American Idol superfan. He's the Che Guevara that you can bring home to grandma - A gen-u-wine black guy raised by god-fearing Kansas white-folk.
It would be offensive if it weren't so god-damned ironic.

I worked with Obama's Senate office on several issues back in DC. They were fucking useless unless you had media coverage, or got Durbin's office to do all of the heavy-work. Clinton's office wasn't much better, but were dependable on several assorted issues. McCain's office was highly-accessible, but always managed to torpedo everything you were asking for in mark-up.
From my experience, I'm not wild about any of 'em, but at least the other two had the courtesy to pretend that they gave a shit about the legislative process.
I have two friends working on the Obama campaign right now; one is a good friend in a very high position. I love her, but I'm just not buying "the cause". I'm also not buying Croc clogs, the new Counting Crows CD, or recycled cruelty-free toilet tissue. That must just be me.

I'm not saying that he's any worse than the other two ass-clowns running for president, but there's no reason to think that he's any better. You just think he is because everyone in your inspirational book-club tells you so.
Do the fucking homework, people! The last time everyone voted with their hearts rather than their brains for a way-under-qualified pseudo-politician we got stuck with Bush II (TWICE!!!), and we all know how well that worked out for all of us.
Regardless, the American people are gonna head back into the voting booths in about six months and pick the next President of the United States of America.
God help us all.

An Open Letter to the Hop-Toads of Northern Illinois

Dear Hop-Toads,

Stay out of the damned pool. You guys realize that you totally can't swim, right? That's why I keep having to fish 6 or 7 of you guys out with a strainer every damned night. Seriously, there's a pond less than 200 feet away that's not a total death-trap. Plus, I've heard that that's the place for freaky-dirty toad sex. Not the swiming pool. You guys are almost as bad as those damned uppity tree frogs that keep setting up house in the sodding jacuzzi. Cut it out!
Please take this into account for future reference.

Sincerly,
The Liar

Crime (Fighters) & Punisher

2008 looks to be a bumper year for comic book geeks; we've got Iron Man, Speedracer, Hellboy II, another Hulk film, Batman: The Dark Knight, and the long-awaited Watchmen film all set to drop in '08.

Not bad, but the one film that has piqued my interest more than all of those combined is the Punisher: War Zone movie. No, really.Growing up as a kid in the 80s, there was no cooler superhero than the Punisher. He didn't have superpowers, he wasn't some rich weirdo that hung out with little boys, he didn't bother with an alter-ego, and he actually KILLED people... lots of people.
The Punisher was the only comic book I regularly followed in the 1980s. Later on, I got into the Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, and Frank Miller stuff, but as a kid, Punisher was #1.

For those who don't know, here's the story of the Punisher in a nutshell:
Frank was a Vietnam war-hero. Frank witnessed his family being murdered by the Mafia. Frank went ape-shit crazy, dressed up in body armor, called himself "the Punisher", started killing criminals, took their money to buy guns and explosives, turned around and killed more criminals (repeat).
End of story. He was the perfect Regan-era underwear-pervert.

What kills me is that what should be the easiest comic book to turn into a movie has yielded two ripe turds of films. I mean how fucking hard is it? War-vet goes crazy and starts killing criminals - This ain't fucking rocket-surgery, people! Just watch 'Taxi Driver' three times and put a skull-suit on Travis Bickle. Done.
Well, I'm hoping like hell that they get it right this time. They have Titus Pullo playing the Punisher and it's being directed by the woman who did Green Street Hooligans. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Regardless, I'm sure that it'll be a hell of a lot less disappointing than the Watchmen flick - Bastards.

Oh Gundy, Where Art Thou?

Every time I've tried to access the Gunderblog over the last week or so, all I've gotten is this:

Not Found

The requested URL /blog/index.php was not found on this server.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.

---

Apache/1.3.37 Server at www.craiggunderson.com Port 80

---

Finger-pain?!? I thought I was gettin' gum.

Awesomeness, Thy Name Is Nick Cave

Check out this video for the title track from the brand new Nick Cave album Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!. I'm digging it (and the new look) - Swank.

Grenadier Sing the Hits of Grenadier

Grenadier - Self-Titled Album
(c) 2008 - Ubique UCD4
myspace.com/grenadier

One of the most awkward experiences in modern life is when a friend gives you his/her band's new CD to listen to. 4 out of 5 times it's gonna end poorly if you don't lie like hell and tap your vocabulary for every single euphemism that you've ever learned. Then (since it's your friend) you keep listening to the album until you have songs like the Floating Basement's "When Mamaluke is at the Beach" running through your head in the middle of Congressional appropriations hearings and other assorted inopportune moments.
It ain't a good thing.

A couple of weekends ago P-Dawg handed me the new Grenadier album. I liked their 2005 album Hand Offensive, so I was optimistic about this one - I popped it into the CD player while The Girl drove my loaded ass home, and then promptly forgot about it for a couple of weeks. Last night I decided to give it a fair (read: sober) listen, and I was blown away.
Hand Offensive was good, but seemed to wander all over the map. This new album is fucking SOLID - It has a laser-beam straight focus and kicks it out from the get-go. It is one of the best examples of American Power-Pop since Weezer's 'Blue Album' or Redd Kross' 'Phaseshifter'.

This new album plays like the distilled history of the Power-Pop movement. Two parts Elvis Costello, one part The Jam, one part Big Star, one part Cheap Trick, one part The Replacements, one part Redd Kross, with a pinch of Glam Rock (The Sweet/Slade/Roxy Music), and a touch of Indie-Noise (Jesus and Mary Chain/My Bloody Valentine). Throw all of that together and you have something totally new, and absolutely brilliant.
The only real departure from that formula is track #3, 'Ghost Child', which has a balls-out 1980's Australian pub-rock (Beasts of Bourbon/Gun Club) feel to it.
Good stuff, to be sure.

All-in-all 'Grenadier' is definitely worth picking up, and will be in my personal rotation for a while. I just hope that they can get out and book some shows soon with some bigger Chicago bands so that this record doesn't pass under the radar.
P-Dawg handed me this disc at the MOTO/Methadones show at Otto's, and it's a damned shame that they weren't on the bill that night. Woulda been a perfect fit - C'mon guys, get on it.

Track Listing:
1. Tolerance
2. Look at Me
3. Ghost Child
4. Poor Little Baby
5. See Run Boy
6. Secret
7. Public Now
8. Leave 'em Ringin'

It's Always the Blogs That Suffer

I'm still spending most of my time trying to find gainful employment, but have had a few breaks within the last couple of weeks. The placement agency that I signed with is starting to feed me several leads every day, it looks like I have a line on an awesome apartment in the West Loop, and The Girl is holding off on moving for yet another month, so I can get situated.
Everything seems to be coming together, but I really haven't had time (or subject matter) for the blog. I'm going to try and fix that - Keep an eye out here and on Killing for Sports for a couple of posts over the next couple of days.

A New High In Low

It finally happened.
I found myself buying a lottery ticket at the liquor store today.

Liquor Store + Lottery Ticket = Oh Crap.

Them's Jokes

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
Now I have to stop fooling around and find a job.

Easy Come Home, Easy Go Away

Good news - Bad news:
I'm going to be starting a new job on the 15th of this month - Out in Portland, Oregon.
I've been looking for a job for a few months back in Illinois and haven't had much luck, so last week when I got a great offer to go out to work on the West coast, I decided that I had to take it.

I'm going to be heading out there next Thursday and am going to try like hell to find an apartment within 5 days.

Wish me luck.

Glitch Slap-or-Why I Suddenly Hate Spike Jones

Fucking technology; stupid me.
Earlier tonight I discovered an incredibly stupid glitch in Windows Media Player. This weekend I picked up a Spike Jones 3 CD set out of the WalMart bargain bin on a whim. When I ripped it to my EHD, the artwork for the first 2 discs downloaded, but not the third. Instead of finding the artwork online and pasting it manually, I clicked on the "update info" WMP function. It updated that disc and (for some fucking reason) replaced about 1/5th of my files with that same artwork. Now about 750 of my files have the image (below) as their album art:Arrrrrrggggghhhhh!
I'm way too anal-retentive to ignore it, and this will drive me mad until I get everything back to the way it's supposed to be. Of course all of the files that were replaced were those that were not in the WMP library. We're talking about obscure Japanese punk comps, vinyl transfers, self-produced CDs, out-of-print crap, promotional discs, etc. Essentially, it's all of the stuff that it took me forever to find the graphics for the first time around.
Something that took about 2 seconds to happen is going to take about 65 hours to fix. Seriously.
The final kick in the nuts? The CD set is of such unbelievably crappy production that it is virtually unlistenable.
I know, I know, I know - WalMart, $7 box-set, Windows Media Player - I was totally asking for it. Bite me.
That doesn't matter. I'm about 6 shots of tequila away from driving out to California, defecating on Jones' grave, stealing the headstone, driving North to Washington, and hurling it through the front windows of Microsoft's main building. That might seem excessive, but should take up less time than it will to fix the fucking problem itself.
Cocksuckers.

Game Plan

Tomorrow before the Effigies/Methadones/M.O.T.O. show, Dena's planning on either doing a BBQ out at her dad's place or pizza at Annex (if the weather sucks) we're doing pizza at Annex around 7ish.

Shoot me an e-mail/text or give me a call and I'll keep you in the loop

What I'm Listening To - Spring 2008

Here it is... finally.
I'm half-assing the liner notes and letting the music speak for itself. Liner Notes:
1) Teenage Bottlerocket - Gave You My Heart
from the 2008 album Warning Device
Here's a habenero up the pooper to kick off the new WILT from the brand new Teenage Bottlerocket record. These guys are going to be playing Reggie's on the 29th of March and I'm damned sure that I'll be there.

2) The Queers - Another Girl
from the 1996 album Don't Back Down
That bubblegum pop is mighty sweet. I can't get enough

3) Ben Weasel - First Day of Spring
from the 2007 album These Ones are Bitter
It's Ben Weasel. You're either gonna love it or hate it. I, for one, love it.

4) The Travoltas - Alright
from the 2000 album Teenbeat
Marky Ramone (who produced the previous Travoltas album) called this band "Pure Americana". They're from Holland. Stupid foreign bands coming from overseas and stealing all of our Americana. Hell, they do it so well, I'm about ready to outsource all of our pop music.

5) Tim Armstrong - Into Action
from the 2007 album A Poet's Life
Let me introduce you to your official theme-song for every Friday night after you hear this song. This is it.

6) Tōkyō Jihen - Burakuautto
from the 2006 album Adult Pour Femme
This is Shiina Ringo's new project with Seiji Kameda. For a sample of her solo work skip to track #22

7) The Network - Roshambo
from the 2003 album Money Money 2020
Yup, It's yet another Green Day side project - This time it's synth-pop dance rock. Trust me, it's awesome.

8) El-P - Flyentology
from the 2007 album I'll Sleep When You're Dead
I'll be the first to admit that the one aspect of my music collection that is sorely lacking is the rap/hip-hop genres. Then again, most hip-hop albums don't feature members from the Mars Volta and Cat Power. I picked this one up after reading a rave review in Wired magazine, and I'm digging it. This track is a collaboration with Trent Reznor.

9) The Raveonettes - Dead Sound
from the 2008 album Lust Lust Lust
This is the track that I'd been waiting on to get this WILT out. It was so worth it.

10) Armchair Martian - Son of Jeff
from the 2007 compilation Good Guys, Bad Band
Now that Drag the River is dead, I can't wait for some new Armchair Martian. Until then, here's a track that was originally on their 2000 release, Hang On Ted.

11) Foetus - Mon Agonie Douce (JG Thirlwell remix)
from the 2008 album Vein
I've been loading up the last few mixes with a load of Thirlwell tracks (Foetus, Wiseblood, Manorexia, Steroid Maximus, etc.), Lucky you. This is a great remix of a track off of the Love album. Crank it up and roll down that window.

12) Gogol Bordello - Tribal Connection
from the 2007 album Super Taranta!
I'm digging these guys so hard right now. I'm just enjoying 'em until the band implodes - The lead singer is starring in Madonna's directorial debut. That can't be a good sign.

13) Tiger Army - Spring Forward
from the 2007 album Music From Regions Beyond
Rockabilly and Spring go together like crucified Jesus and chocolate bunnies.

14) The Tim Version - March 22nd is National "Quit Your Job Day"
from the 2003 album Prohibition Starts Tomorrow
This album is one of the best surprises I've tripped across lately. It goes from D4esque punk to alt-country and right back again. I'm looking to pick up some of their other albums, and hope that they're half as good as this one.

15) The Replacements - God Damn Job
from the 1982 EP Stink
I need a god damned job - That just about sums it all up.

16) Turbonegro - Do You Do You Dig Destruction?
from the 2007 album Retox
More death-punk from everyone's favorite King Diamond meets Tom's of Finland looking motherfuckers. It's a good thing.

17) Bad Religion - Prodigal Son
from the 2007 album New Maps of Hell
This track has gotten pushed from the previous two WILTS and landed here. Actually, this almost got bumped off of this one for a track from the new Flogging Molly album, but was given a last-minute reprieve. It's a good track and deserves better than that.

18) The Arrivals - Failure
from the 2006 compilation Protect
I really have to pick up the new Arrivals record. In my defense, I wasn't sure if they released anything after that turd of a second album, but upon a quick Google search it looks like they got a new one out last year. Look for something off of that record in future comps if I pick it up and if it's good. Wow, that's a lot of 'ifs' - For now enjoy this comp track.

19) The Methadones - Already Gone
from the 2007 album This Won't Hurt...
All-you-all better be out for the Methadones show at Otto's this Friday. Seriously.

20) Against Me! - Borne On the FM Waves of the Heart
from the 2007 album New Wave
This track gets the full "Butch Vig" treatment from their new producer. I really like this track, but it's amazing that this is the same band that released Against Me! Is Reinventing Axl Rose. It's a slippery slope, but for now they're dancing on the edge.

21) Wolf Parade - You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son
from the 2005 album Apologies to the Queen Mary
"I was a hero early in the morning - I ain't no hero in the night"

22) Shiina Ringo - Meisai
from the 2004 album Karuki Zamen Kuri No Hana
The literal translation for this album title is "Lime, Semen, Chestnut Blossoms".
No, really.

23) Flatfoot 56 - Same Ol' Story
from the 2007 album Jungle of the Midwest Sea
Spiritual Celtic punk from the South side of Chicago? Sign me up - It's good stuff. No shit.

24) Drag the River - Death of the Life of the Party
from the 2008 album You Can't Live This Way
This song is essentially the self-eulogy for Drag the River from their final record.

--end--

Here's the deal:
1) It's FREE
2) I'm only doing fifty (50) of these
3) Shoot your mailing address to dclies(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll mail you out a copy
4) The first batch is going out to anyone at the Effigies/Methadones/M.OT.O. show at Otto's on Friday. The second batch should go out sometime the following week.

Super-Secret Show

I'm going to be out of town tomorrow night.
I'm totally pissed that I'm going to miss this show:
Doesn't sound familliar?
Google it.

Panic Button

Recently I've been neglecting the blog. I know it.
I've spent most of my time trying to find a job back here in Illinois, and it's taking a lot longer than I had anticipated. I really need to find something in the next month or I'm going to be in a world of trouble, so I've been in overdrive lately.
I'm going to try and get a few posts that I've been working out in my head up here soon, but until then, enjoy yet another squirrel pic that The Girl sent me:
Superb.

Setting the Bar Higher

Joey Rats & the Vatican City Rollers have just revised the cardinal sins... and just as I had mastered all of the old ones. Ain't that always the way.

Here are the new seven:
Polluting
Genetic Engineering
Being Obscenely Rich
Drug Dealing
Abortion
Pedophilia
Causing Social Injustice

I'm appalled. It used to be that the capital vices were within the reach of everyone - Hell, you could whip through all seven between your 3rd and 9th Jager Bomb shots on any given night. Now most of the cardinal sins are only within the reach of Robb Report subscribers. Seriously, How is the average person supposed to get tanked on tequila shooters and wake up the next morning only to realize that they had inadvertently engineered a totalitarian army of human/chinchilla chimeras in their stupor? It just isn't fair.
I'm going to need a serious influx of cash to actualize a few of these sins. I'd better get cracking on "The Liar's Cocaine and Abortion Emporium" if I want to even sniff #3.

The only bright spot? The potential David Fincher film for the revised SE7EN should be freaking awesome.

A Near Death Experience

One of my very good friends recently started up a new blog. It deals with her work as a forensic investigator out West, and is absolutely fascinating.
I can't tell you who she is (due to the sensitive nature of her blog), but I can say that most of you know her.

Check it out. Here's the LINK.

Triple Fuck the Rev

Man, I am so pissed off at Record Revolution in DeKalb.
About a month ago I started to put together the Spring '08 WILT mix. Right now most of my music collection is packed up in a series of boxes, so I'm only using my "new" CDs that I've purchased in the last six months. It's a pretty good mix, but I decided that it could use a few more sources, so I went through a couple the 7DA boxes and cherry-picked about 25 used CDs to trade in for some new stuff. All the discs were in excellent condition (mostly unplayed promos), and were all in-demand titles that should sell pretty quickly (emo-core, pop-punk, indie-rock, etc.). I made a point to pick out the ones that I thought that I could get the most in trade for.
A few weeks ago I stopped by the Rev on Saturday - They had up a sign that they had closed early. Fuck. No big deal - I'll just head back tomorrow.
The next day I was there right when they opened - First one in. Bobo greeted me with "We don't buy discs on Sunday."
I just turned straight around and walked out befuddled.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
I know that the bread and butter of record stores are used CDs - You buy 'em (on average) for 2 or 3 bucks a disc, and sell 'em for 7 or 8 dollars. Used CDs are 200% profit. On new CDs and vinyl you're lucky to break even with over-head. To not buy good used CDs at any given opportunity is fucking insane.
I cruised around with the box of CDs in the back of my Jeep for another week and was driving past the Rev on Friday when I decided to give it one last shot. The kid behind the counter told me that only the owner can buy CDs and that If I wanted to sell back my CDs that I would have to make an appointment.
Fuck that. I was just trying to support the local scene, and kept getting jerked around. I hadn't shopped there since 1996, and can't imagine any reason for doing so ever again. I'm amazed that they are still in business - Give it a couple of years. They're fucking doomed, and as soon as they go tits-up I'll be right there to do a celebratory jig in front of the vacant storefront.

Anyway, I'm heading up to Reckless Records in Chicago this afternoon to trade in my box 'o' discs for some new stuff (I sure do hope that I don't need an appointment to sell used CDs there). So the new WILT should be ready sometime in the next week or so. If you want to complain about the delay, feel free to call up Record Rev at (815) 756-6242.
Bastards.

Because I Didn't Like the Original Flyer

I just made my own. Feel free to download full-sized and print out 100 or so copies to post around town.I'm just putting this info up here for web searches:

The Effigies
The Methadones
Masters of the Obvious (M.O.T.O.)
@
Otto's DeKalb, IL
March 21st, 2008

Heads Up

This concert is gonna be freakin' awesome.
Be there.

I Got Nuthin

I really don't have anything worth posting about... seriously.
Nothing - Nada - Zilch.
All I have is this humorous picture of a squirrel that The Girl found somewhere on the interwebs:Hope you enjoyed that.

Contested

The first person who can name the source picture for the new L&E banner (above) will win one of 3 super-awesome prizes (you choose).

Send all guesses to dcles(at)gmail.com along with your mailing address.
---

UPDATE
Ladies & gentlemen, we have a weiner:
Ms. Janxgirl85 called it, and has chosen to receive the complete collection of pre-WILT mix CDs. Now I just have to burn those 25 comps and get 'em in the mail.
Thanx for playing.

The image is from the 1928 silent film The Man Who Laughs.
HERE'S a post that I did on that film just about 1 year ago.

Printer Solstice

I just got a new printer. I'm pretty excited.

That's just how lame I am.

Freedom À La Carte

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Babies Like Strippers, Right?

On December 8th I ordered a couple of gifts for my 1 year-old nephew. I was going to be responsible and get that one thing out of the way before I started my whole moving fiasco. This is that story:
Taking a cue from Kaka, I decided to get the kid a couple of UglyDolls. I figured that plush toys were the way to go, and the more unique they are, the more memorable they should be in the long-run. Yeah, He's only 1, but babies love stuffed toys - I know I did. My mom kept all of those toys and whenever I look at 'em a flood of memories comes flooding back over me. It's still kinda cool.

Anyway, I made the order back in early December directly from the UglyDoll site so that it'd be sure to arrive before the holidays. It never showed.
Turns out, they'd shipped the package to a P.O. box using FedEx - That doesn't work. The package got lost in shipping limbo. After the holidays I called up their customer service department. They apologized profusely and re-shipped the package... to the post office... with FedEx... again. Seriously.
It still hadn't arrived by the middle of January, so I shot a series of e-mails to the customer service department. They kindly offered to refund my money and re-ship out the order gratis with a bunch of extras throw in for my trouble; which I thought was very nice, except... By the beginning of this month, I still hadn't received a refund to my account, or a package of any sort from 'em. Nothing; nada.
I called up customer service yet again on the 5th of this month and pleaded with them just to credit my checking account before I had to close it out on the 15th. I'm pretty sure the customer service girl didn't take that job to deal with a near-hysterical 32 year-old man on the verge of tears, so she wasn't gonna argue.
"...I'm incredibly sorry sir, we'll credit the account and ship out another package immediately."
"You keep saying that. [sobbing] Quit saying that unless you really mean it."
"We'll get this sorted out right now."
"Seriously? For true? DON"T SHIP IT FED EX!"
Amazingly, a credit for $47 appeared on my checking account on the 14th - One day before I was scheduled to leave back for IL. I was so happy that I almost fell outta the computer chair. I could close out my DC checking account and not lose that credit.
One promise down...

Yesterday the package finally arrived.
It took 2 months and 2 weeks to finally get the order - I ripped into it with disbelief, and...
THE ORDER WAS WRONG!?!
I had ordered 2 full-sized UglyDolls and they sent me one full-sized doll and one fucking key-chain.
ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?
NO, REALLY, ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?
Calm down; you got the credit back - itwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfree...

So, I'm heading out to visit the nephew tomorrow, and I need another gift quick. So I head out to Wal-Mart at 11PM tonight for a last-minute stop-gap gift. I spent 45 solid minutes roaming through the toy aisles, wherein devised up my theorem that all babies must be extraordinarily boring and/or gay. There wasn't one fucking age-appropriate thing in that whole fucking store that I wouldn't be mortally fucking embarrassed to have in my house. When the kid turns 6, his uncle is gonna come through big-time, but for now the kid is so much better than all the crap they're peddling for babies.
The only things I found that were even sorta cool that weren't way out of his age-range were the Doodle Pirates, but buying a baby something called a "doodle pirate" seemed like a sure-fire way to end up on a government watch-list. I wasn't gonna fall for that trap.
I was heading out when I stumbled across a bunch of really cool fuzzy little plush toys of rabbits, squirrels, beavers, and other assorted wildlife... for dogs. I stood there for a good 5 minutes eying a plush wild turkey and noodling over how my sister-in-law would react to me bringing a basket full 'o' Fido's Pride brand chew toys for her baby. I decided against it.
I headed home, dejected.
When I got back I decided to check Amazon to see what I could find. I found the missing UglyDoll shipped directly from Amazon for $5 less. Score. I picked out a second UglyDoll so that I could get free shipping, and (in the end) the 2 dolls came out to ten bucks less than ordering directly from the manufacturer. So I got the refund, and the kid is getting 3 UglyDolls for less than what I was gonna pay for two. Everybody wins (sorta).

I bet that that package gets soooo lost. Bastards.