Thursday, February 21, 2008

Babies Like Strippers, Right?

On December 8th I ordered a couple of gifts for my 1 year-old nephew. I was going to be responsible and get that one thing out of the way before I started my whole moving fiasco. This is that story:
Taking a cue from Kaka, I decided to get the kid a couple of UglyDolls. I figured that plush toys were the way to go, and the more unique they are, the more memorable they should be in the long-run. Yeah, He's only 1, but babies love stuffed toys - I know I did. My mom kept all of those toys and whenever I look at 'em a flood of memories comes flooding back over me. It's still kinda cool.

Anyway, I made the order back in early December directly from the UglyDoll site so that it'd be sure to arrive before the holidays. It never showed.
Turns out, they'd shipped the package to a P.O. box using FedEx - That doesn't work. The package got lost in shipping limbo. After the holidays I called up their customer service department. They apologized profusely and re-shipped the package... to the post office... with FedEx... again. Seriously.
It still hadn't arrived by the middle of January, so I shot a series of e-mails to the customer service department. They kindly offered to refund my money and re-ship out the order gratis with a bunch of extras throw in for my trouble; which I thought was very nice, except... By the beginning of this month, I still hadn't received a refund to my account, or a package of any sort from 'em. Nothing; nada.
I called up customer service yet again on the 5th of this month and pleaded with them just to credit my checking account before I had to close it out on the 15th. I'm pretty sure the customer service girl didn't take that job to deal with a near-hysterical 32 year-old man on the verge of tears, so she wasn't gonna argue.
"...I'm incredibly sorry sir, we'll credit the account and ship out another package immediately."
"You keep saying that. [sobbing] Quit saying that unless you really mean it."
"We'll get this sorted out right now."
"Seriously? For true? DON"T SHIP IT FED EX!"
Amazingly, a credit for $47 appeared on my checking account on the 14th - One day before I was scheduled to leave back for IL. I was so happy that I almost fell outta the computer chair. I could close out my DC checking account and not lose that credit.
One promise down...

Yesterday the package finally arrived.
It took 2 months and 2 weeks to finally get the order - I ripped into it with disbelief, and...
I had ordered 2 full-sized UglyDolls and they sent me one full-sized doll and one fucking key-chain.
Calm down; you got the credit back - itwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfreeitwasfree...

So, I'm heading out to visit the nephew tomorrow, and I need another gift quick. So I head out to Wal-Mart at 11PM tonight for a last-minute stop-gap gift. I spent 45 solid minutes roaming through the toy aisles, wherein devised up my theorem that all babies must be extraordinarily boring and/or gay. There wasn't one fucking age-appropriate thing in that whole fucking store that I wouldn't be mortally fucking embarrassed to have in my house. When the kid turns 6, his uncle is gonna come through big-time, but for now the kid is so much better than all the crap they're peddling for babies.
The only things I found that were even sorta cool that weren't way out of his age-range were the Doodle Pirates, but buying a baby something called a "doodle pirate" seemed like a sure-fire way to end up on a government watch-list. I wasn't gonna fall for that trap.
I was heading out when I stumbled across a bunch of really cool fuzzy little plush toys of rabbits, squirrels, beavers, and other assorted wildlife... for dogs. I stood there for a good 5 minutes eying a plush wild turkey and noodling over how my sister-in-law would react to me bringing a basket full 'o' Fido's Pride brand chew toys for her baby. I decided against it.
I headed home, dejected.
When I got back I decided to check Amazon to see what I could find. I found the missing UglyDoll shipped directly from Amazon for $5 less. Score. I picked out a second UglyDoll so that I could get free shipping, and (in the end) the 2 dolls came out to ten bucks less than ordering directly from the manufacturer. So I got the refund, and the kid is getting 3 UglyDolls for less than what I was gonna pay for two. Everybody wins (sorta).

I bet that that package gets soooo lost. Bastards.


Chris B. said...

You must have blown right by the "My First Jihad" anti-waterboarding helmets - now with more lead!

edP said...

Or "Extraordinary Rendition for Kids" unmarked airplanes.

big sky said...

Make sure you give him the ugly dolls in the package (if it's not lost)- he'll like the box just as much. Crap- I thought A's love of stuffed animals would cancel out his love of guns as he grew up. Your sentimental collection has shattered my hopes.