Off of the Grid

I've spent the last week running around like a methed-out dervish. I spent a good chunk of it out in the land of no Internet, cell phone signals, or broadcast television (ie: Western Wisconsin). And since I've been back, I've just been running back and forth between the parents' place and D-Town. It's all very glamorous.

I'd like to say that L&E is gonna get back to normal within the next few days, but I'm heading out to Chicago tomorrow, so that would be a lie. I promise to try and get some more crap up here, but don't hold your collective breath.

What I'm Doing for New Year's Eve

Because I'm Awesome

I spent a good chunk of this afternoon swilling Old Style and shooting at frozen pumpkins with my AK-47.

Yup, I'm living the good life.

The Final Push

According to the Interstate Driving Forecast, it looks like everything will be clear tomorrow.

I'll be back sometime tomorrow between 5PM and 11PM (depending on departure time and traffic).

I'll definitely need any help I can get anytime on Wednesday to get the truck emptied, as I need to have it back to U-Haul Thursday by 9AM.

Luv U.

Moving Diary (excerpt)

Here's a taste of the awesome adventure that has been my life over the last month:

Thursday
... Packing for most of the day and night
6 AM - Go to sleep

Friday
10 AM - Wake up
11:30 - Keep packing
14:30 (2PM) - Lunch
15:00 - More packing
17:00 - Around the Horn & P.T.I on ESPN
18:00 - Go back to packing
19:30 - Run to liquor store - For more boxes (not booze)
20:15 - Return to packing
21:00 - Throw screaming hissy-fit over legal sized file folders not fitting into Grand Marinier boxes
21:20 - Try to coax dog out of bathtub and try to get girlfriend to stop crying due to aforementioned hissy-fit
21:35 - Throw second hissy fit, thus negating all earlier efforts to smooth-over earlier hissy-fit
21:45 - Pop a Valium and crack open a beer to prevent any further hissy-fits
21:50 - Keep on packing
22:45 - Wander around in a circle muttering "where's the tape?" for 15 minutes straight
23:00 - Realize that it's 11 PM, and decide to eat dinner

Saturday
Midnight - Start dismantling Computer and electronics
04:00 - Re-connect wireless internet and laptop
05:00 - Call it a night and have another 3 beers
06:00 - Shower
06:30 - Decide that I'm not gonna get any sleep - Start brewing coffee and pop 2 Ephidrine tabs
07:00 - Drinky Joe comes home and drunkenly stumbles toward bed - Prick
08:00 - While waiting for U-Haul place to open, decide to write a brief 'Moving Diary' to show what a spazz I am
...

Precipice

I'm in the middle of a moving frenzy and losing my freakin' mind.
L&E is about to go dead for the next 5 days (as I'm packing-up my computer later today). I'll get the rest of my stupid NFL picks up on Killing for Sports tomorrow, but don't expect much more than that. I'm far enough behind schedule as it is.

I had planned on leaving back for Illinois today. That ain't happening.

Now I'm shooting to be back by Monday night for the Bears game. I'm not sure that I'll make it.

I'll definitely be back by Tuesday night. I hope.

Anyone want to help unload a U-Haul on Wednesday?

The Japanese Citizen Kane

With the writer's strike going hard, I have a word of advice to Hollywood. Just quit. Seriously. Board up the studios, sell all of your equipment to the porno industry, and find another line of work.
Why?
Because Japan has just produced what possibly could be the perfection of the film medium. It's called Machine Girl, and looks like the BEST MOVIE EVER.
Why even try and top this? It can't be done. You'd probably have better luck attempting to manufacture an full-scale replica of the universe. Hollywood, give it up and get ready for your money shot.

Bow to the glory which is Machine Girl:

Quote of the Day

"I have no great quarrel with being labeled a "fascist." While it is not the whole story, it implies (to me) a sort of Marquis De Sade worldview that sees life in terms of master and slave, strong and weak, predator and prey. I know such views are highly unfashionable, but to me they seem fairly consistent with what I've seen to be true. If others choose to see the world in terms of sugar, spice and everything nice, that's certainly their prerogative, and I would never dream of trying to tell them otherwise. However, I might suggest that they always keep a loaded pistol on the off chance that they could possibly be mistaken."

Boyd Rice

Timeline

I'll be heading back to Illinois sometime between the 13th and 19th of this month. It all depends on how quickly I can get the rest of my crap packed up, and the weather forecast between DC and Chicago. It was a huge fucking pain to haul a trailer cross country, and it was stupid as hell driving back in the middle of bad weather; I really don't want to see what adventure ensues if I mix those two.

I'll post an update as soon as I have an exact date.
See you soon.

Hedonism at Its Finest

Modern technology has finally reached the apex of worthless crap. I, for one, am ecstatic.
I present the Sit N Joy:It's a vibrating inflatable pool chair with built in speakers, an MP3 dock, and beer holders. If Caligula were alive today, you know he'd be totally be all about this. Plus, It's fucking named "Sit N Joy" and manufactured by Astone Holdings Pty Ltd., so you know it's quality.

My plan is to retro-fit a bunch of these with gun racks and outboard motors and take over the territories of the Chicago River and the western shore of Lake Michigan (or my Mom's pool) as soon as I get back.
You're all invited to join my vibrating armada, but you're responsible for bringing your own bikini chick.

via Gizmodo

What I'm Listening To - Winter 2008

This one's all over the map. We've got punk, proto-punk, proto-goth, rock, pop, J-pop, industrial, country, and a couple of tracks that even I'm not sure where they fall. You got lucky, there was a doo-wop track and an electronic dance track that got cut due to time restraints (no, really). There's something in this one for everyone to hate. I love it. All of the Winter WILTs seem to turn out like this - It must be something with the season.
Actually, this one almost never came out. I realized as I was packing up all of my CDs last month that I had to record this one ASAP before I came out to Illinois with my first load of crap, or else there wasn't gonna be a Winter '08 WILT. It's kinda hard to throw together a mix when your media sources are 750 miles away. I got it done in the midst of the maelstrom - Lucky you.
Here's what you almost missed:
Liner Notes:
1) 1,000 Homo DJs - Supernaut
from the 1990 EP Supernaut
This EP came out back when I was going out to clubs and underground parties in Chicago every other night. Whenever this track came on the kids went fucking wild.
Memories.
This is yet another Ministry side project. The vox are either Trent Reznor or Al Jorgenson (depending on who's version of the story you believe), and the song itself is the Black Sabbath classic from Black Sabbath, Vol. 4.
2) Turbonegro - You Must Bleed/All Night Long
from the 2007 album Retox
More guitar-driven madness from everyone's favorite Norwegian death-punk group.
3) The Dwarves - We Must Have Blood
from the 1997 album The Dwarves are Young and Good Looking
I can't believe that this album came out over a decade ago. There's a load of filthy, filthy memories tied to this album. Wouldn't trade 'em for the world.
4) The Patti Smith Group - Rock n Roll Nigger
from the 1978 album Easter
I've been listening to a bunch of proto-punk stuff lately. Easter is one of my favorites from that scene. This song used to be one of the standard examples of the CBGB punk scene, but has been shelved from the collective consciousness due to obvious 'PC' complications (not the kind that end up with a CPU being thrown through a window). I still say it's one of the best tracks to come from that movement.
5) Warsaw - The Drawback
from the 1977 album Warsaw
Warsaw is Joy Division before they were Joy Division. In 1978 they added a keyboardist, and changed their name.
There are a couple of Ian Curtis/Joy Division films that are coming out within the next few months, so I included this to help you all get used to the impending resurgence.
Now you can let all the hipsters and goth kids know that Warsaw was far superior to Joy Division to gain an aire of supremacy over 'em.
If you want to start a fight, tell 'em that the band was much better after Ian killed himself and the remaining members formed New Order. It always works.
6) Snuff - A Hazy Shade of Winter
from the 1990 album Flibbidydibbidydob
Who doesn't love a bunch of drunken scooter ridin' London herberts? These guys came together back in the mid 80's and cranked out 15 records over two decades. This one's off of their cover album.
7) Against Me! - Thrash Unreal
from the 2007 album New Wave
I'm still digging their new album. This is a good song... Um... That's all I got.
8)Regina Spektor - That Time
from the 2006 album Begin to Hope
One of my friends suggested that I pick up this record - Not quite my thing, but not bad.
This song is on here, because it seems to be based (almost to a tee) on my summer of '95 - switch out ' Delancy' with 'Sacramento', tangerines' with 'mangoes', 'pigeon' with 'squirrel', 'Parliaments' with 'L&Ms', throw in another OD and you've got it.
Apparently, I was dating Regina Spektor back then and somehow completely forgot about it. Who knew?
9) Tommy Heavenly - Hey My Friend
from the 2005 compilation JPop CD, Vol. 2
This is another track from Shimotsuma Monogatari (Kamikaze Girls), but wasn't included on the soundtrack. By the way, if you still haven't seen that film, what are you fucking waiting for? It's awesome. The Girl managed to track this song down on a JPop comp. All of you WILTers should know this artist by her other moniker, Tommy February 6. This is her alter-ego. We love them both.
10) Foetus - Time Marches On
from the 2005 album Love
Yup, It's another J.G. Thirlwell track. You know you can't get enough. This track is from his flagship project (Foetus) and was also included on my video WILT a ways back.
11) The Copyrights - Kids of the Blackhole
from the 2007 album Make Sound
This song totally reminds me of Barb City back in the 7DA days and the degenerate kids who used to haunt the record store. Sometimes I miss those little bastards - This one goes out to them.
12) The Bomb - 1,000 Tons of Ice
from the 2005 album Indecision
This is Jeff Pezzati's short-lived band from his Naked Raygun hiatus. I really liked this last album, and it still has a couple of WILT-worthy tracks left on it. This is one of 'em.
13) Drag the River - Portland
from the 2006 Replacements tribute We'll Inherit the Earth
I've been shuffling this song through WILT play-lists for damned near a year now, only to drop it because it never seems to fit. This time I made it fit, dammit. This, also, was on the aforementioned video WILT.
14) James McMurtry - One More Winter
from the 1995 album Where'd You Hide the Body
I picked up this record right after it was released, and it's been in regular rotation ever since. I have a bunch of his other stuff, but none of it rises to the brilliance of this record.
This track goes out to the city of DC.
15) Steve Earle - Johnny Come Lately
from the 1988 album Copperhead Road
I first heard this song as a cover on the Drag the River album, Live At the Green Door. I liked the cover and I like Steve Earle's stuff, so I picked up this album (off of the Plano Wal-Mart bargain wall, oddly enough). Now I can't get this song out of my head. Make it stop.
16) Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - City of New Orleans
from the 2006 web-comp Fat Wreck Chords' X-Mas Bonus
This one goes out to Steve Goodman. He's the guy who wrote this song and the annoying-as-all-fuck "Go Cubs Go" song. I'm just glad he's dead, so I'm not tempted to curb him after hearing that shitty ditty endlessly all fucking season long.
Fucking great! I just got that stupid song stuck in my stupid head just from writing this stupid note. Damn you, Steve Goodman! {shaking fist at ground}
17) The Methadones - Falling Forward
from the 2007 album This Won't Hurt...
This is off of the brand-new Methadones album - So far it's my favorite record of 2007. You'll be hearing a lot more from this one in WILTs to come.
18) The Bouncing Souls - Lean on Sheena
from the 2006 album The Gold Record
This song is catchier than human papillomavirus (HPV), but (according to our ongoing research) won't leave embarrassing warts on your genitals. That's a plus.
Also, it's a great drinkin' song - Who doesn't love those? Warning: Drinking to excess can lead to contracting HPV. So, if you get drunk while listening to this song, then venture out for some easy action out at the bar, this song could (inadvertently) lead to HPV.
There goes my research.
19) F.Y.P. - I'm Gonna Kill Her
from the 1999 F.Y.P./Chaniwa Split EP
That last note made my head hurt. This track is the cure (not to be used as a cure for HPV - go see a doctor for that), a straight forward simple rock song. I love those, and this is one of the best.
FYI: This is one of the discs I got from the Suburban Home 50 for $50 sale.
20) Bad Religion - Dearly Beloved
from the 2007 album New Maps of Hell
Yup, Bad Religion is still putting out records. Apparently they can't be professors and millionaire businessmen all of the time.
They had a suck spot back in the mid '90's through to the early '00's, but are now back to putting out quality records. The last 3 have been pretty damned good. Seriously.
21) The Murder City Devils - Every Shitty Thing
from the 1998 album Empty Bottles, Broken Hearts
I'm laying it out there that this was one of the 10 best albums of the 1990's... Okay, one of the 20 best albums of the 1990's... Nope, 10. I'm pretty sure. Definitely, one of the top 15. Probably.
22) Ben Weasel - In a Bad Place
from the 2007 album These Ones are Bitter
This is the first (and last) album that I ever bought from iTunes. Actually, I had The Girl download it for me, but it was an album purchased for me through iTunes (I hate them sooo much). I had her rip it to CD for me, and I printed and assembled all of the artwork - LINK. Then like a week later, I found out that he was doing a limited Vinyl (plus bonus CD) run of the album - I bought that too. I'm a fucking sucker swindled by the digital music revolution.
Oh, The album is really fucking good. Almost forgot to mention that.
23) Wolf Parade - This Heart's on Fire
from the 2005 album Apologies to the Queen Mary
This was another recommendation from a friend. I'm really digging it, and there are a couple more tracks on this one that might end up on future comps. I had planned on being really clever (in my own mind) and following this up with the Ink Spots 1940's classic 'I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire' (one of my favorites). That song ran 15 seconds too long (stupid fuzzy math), thus blowing my best laid plans to smithereens. Then I had to rush to find a good song that came in at under 2 minutes and 35 seconds.
24) The Falcon - Building the Perfect Asshole Parade or Scratching Off the Fleas
from the 2004 EP God Don't Make No Trash or Up Your Ass with Broken Glass
Clocking in at 2:32, I present: This track.
This is a damned fine track too, and fits in well. It's in my (and Ed's) current rotation, and is a great song to boot.
It's just not 'I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire". Dammit.
That's what I get for leading off with a six and one-half minute industrial dance track; which if you're listening to this album on repeat (recommended) is coming up next...
Begin at top and repeat.
--end--

Well, there you go: That's it.

Here's the rules (which you all should know by now):
1) It's FREE
2) I'm only doing fifty (50) of these
3) Shoot your mailing address to dclies(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll mail you out a copy
4) First come, first served

I'm gonna be back in IL (for good) in a couple of weeks and out at the DC bars a couple of times before I leave, so if you want to reserve a copy until I see you, I can do that too.
Just let me know.

-Liar-

Where Da Picks?

If you're looking for my weekly NFL Picks, They've been moved over to Killing For Sports.

The Adventures of Drinky Joe

This is possibly the best Drinky Joe shot ever:
He came home LOADED last night, choked down some fried cheeze stix, poured himself a drink, took off one sock, and proceeded to pass out on the dog. Priceless.

I can't believe that I'm leaving all this behind.

Riot Fest 2007 Wrap

Friday, November 16th - Cobra Lounge:
Shot Baker - Pretty damned good Chicago punk band. I really need to pick up some of their records.
Zero to Sixty - Ex-88 Fingers Louie band. Good band/Not quite my cup of tea.
The Methadones - I freakin' love these guys, but... For this set, Dan got too wasted and kept screaming into the mic with the levels maxed - clipping ensues. Entertaining set, but Vapid blew out his pipes for the rest of the weekend.
The Effigies - Wow! I really wanted to see this band play live for the last 20 years. Problem is, they broke-up back in 1990. I had no idea that they were playing this (unannounced) show - Huge fucking suprise. They were awesome - Worth the trip from DC for this band alone.
The Queers - I've seen these guys play a bunch of times, but what really impressed me is how these guys have evolved as a band. The first time I saw 'em (back in '93) they were a freaking mess, but now they're air-tight. Impressive.

Saturday, November 17 - Congress Theater:
The Copyrights - Good band (saw 'em in Baltimore), Missed 'em in Chicago
The Heart Attacks - Missed 'em
Shot Baker - Missed most of this set
Magnafux - Essentially, Sludgeworth sans Dan Schafer. Not bad/Not good.
Lower Class Brats - Old GMM band. I like 'em and they put on a decent live set.
The Methadones - Dan sobered up a bit from his Friday set, but his vocals were shot from the night before - I still loved it.
The Queers - They came out 15 minutes early just so they could play a few extra songs - I don't recall a band ever doing that before at a show I've been to. I thought it was a classy move. Man, this band is fucking tight. It's much more noticeable when you're sober - They're getting into Ramones territory here. Incredible live band.
Nekromantix - I like the psychobilly, but really am not the biggest fan of this Danish import.
7 Seconds - The original punk-rock cover band. Yawn. If they keep touring for another 20 years, they might actually pick a decent song to cover. Plus, if I hear "unity" one more time, I'm gonna barf.
Stiff Little Fingers - One of my all-time favorites. They always put on a great live show.
Naked Raygun - I have a fucking NR tattooed on my left wrist, so it shouldn't be a huge surprise that I really like this band. Not one of their better sets, but I enjoyed it, nonetheless.

Saturday Late Show - Cobra Lounge:
Skipped it for some cheap drinkin' at Kathy's.

Sunday, November 18 - Congress Theater:
The Frantic - Missed 'em
Deal's Gone Bad - Love these guys, but only caught about half of their set.
Flatfoot 56 - South Side band in the mold of Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphys, Tossers. Pretty damned good.
Zero to Sixty - Went next door to get a taco.
The Bollweevils - Still eatin' tacos de lengua and sipping horchata across the street. Sorry guys.
Dillinger Four - Possibly the best set of the entire festival. If you ever get a chance to see these guys live; Go!
Youth Brigade - These guys grew up just down the street (literally) from where I'm living now. Still not their biggest fan, but they weren't bad.
The Casualties - Their hair looked very,very,very punk rock. If they spent half as much time on writing music...
Sludgeworth - This is the band that I most wanted to see. I hadn't see 'em play live since late '93/early '93, and are one of my all-time favorites. There was a perfect storm of annoyances during this set. Vapid's vox were still scratchy from his Friday shenanigans, the band seemed a little rusty, half the crowd was out in the lobby after the Casualties set, and there was some stupid drama going on with my friends that was distracting me from the band. Nonetheless, I would drive 750 miles again just for this 50 minute set.
Bad Brains - There's a reason that HR got kicked outta the band back in the day. He was so fucking high that you couldn't make out a damned word he said. The crowd evaporated during this set, and by the end people were actually booing - Interesting.
I think that one of Kathy's friends put it best:
"It's like when you're approached by some very friendly homeless guy, and he keeps talking, but you can't really get away, and this keeps going on for way-too-long, and you know that he's just gonna ask you for money, but you can't slip away without looking like a total dick. Well, that's this set in a nutshell."

Williamsburg - Break It Down

Now that I got all that pesky sports crap outta the way, I can finally focus on writing about asinine nonsense again - Thank Christ.
Here's my day-by-day breakdown of my trip down to visit The Girl's parents for Thanksgiving.Tuesday
Arrive back in DC in the wee hours of the morn, fuck around on the internets, sleep (I think), unpack all of my IL crap, re-pack most of the crap back into the same bag for the trip to Williamsburg, leave for southern Virginia.
We left at 10PM, so we wouldn't the fifth circle of modern-day hell - I-95 holiday traffic. I learned that lesson last year.

Wednesday
We arrived in Williamsburg at about 1AM - Smooth fucking sailing. I stayed up and had a couple of beers before falling asleep watching the Skins/Cowboys game from the week before on NFL Replay.
Spent most of the day prepping food for Thanksgiving. Later, we took a walk out in the woods down to the James River - I got a bunch of cool photos (see above pic), and Milo got covered in ticks (5 and counting).

Thursday
Football, booze, and food - That's about it. Perfect.
We did head out to Target at midnight (mostly outta drunken wanderlust) for some crazy black-Friday deals, but they totally weren't open.

Friday
We headed out to the Williamsburg Winery and proceeded to swig wine in a fruit fly infested cellar for 2 hours - I fucking loved it. The wine was mediocre, but I didn't waste a drop. In fact, The Girl's Dad and I spent a good portion of the "tasting" whispering disparaging remarks about all of the milquetoast pussies that comprised the rest of our group who kept spitting and dumping every fucking drop of alcohol that they were given.
Me: "That guy hasn't swallowed one drop of wine yet, do you think he'd mind if we split his portion and gave him fancy convoluted descriptions of all of this swill for him to scratch down in his gay little notebook?"
Mr. Dad: "Dear diary..."
Me: "... My fat-assed wife has my nuts in her fanny pack and won't give 'em back."
I was really disappointed that Williamsburg Winery didn't have a port on its roster, so afterward I hit the liquor store, picked up a couple bottles of Virginia port and spent the reminder of the evening with her family sipping fancy fortified wine by the warm glow of the fireplace. Nice.

Saturday
We spent the day at the Berkley Plantation, best known as the birthplace of William Henry Harrison, everyone's favorite long-winded/short-lived 9th president. Tour guides do not appreciate being asked if they could recite the W.H. Harrison inauguration address in its entirety for the edification of the crowd.
That so would have been better than the tour itself. I'll save you the eight bucks and trip to rural Williamsburg: Unfinished basement, hallway, pink room, another pink room just like the other, room with a desk, small little room with another desk, end of tour.
According to the educational video we were forced to watch in the cellar, Berkley Plantation was the birthplace of American whiskey - I looked all over that damed place and couldn't find one drop of whiskey, not even in the gift-shop. Fuckers.
Speaking of gift shops, while I was in the gift-shop I tried trading The Girl for 2 tins of boiled peanuts, a Virginia lighter, and 3 souvenir ashtrays. They looked at me like I was the one who was crazy. "It's a plantation for chrissake, y'all know that this is a good deal... I could go to the plantation down the street and get all of this chintzy crap plus one mule for her - Just look at those hips... Come on, people - You're killing me here. Hey, Honey, Where're you going?"
We got back from the nation's lamest plantation and packed everything back up for the trip back to DC. We headed out after dinner, and made it back in decent time.

Oh, wait! I even learned something on the drive back - If an elderly gentleman gives you a dirty look whilst pissing next to you at a rest-stop urinal, the worst thing you can possibly say is: "Hell yeah - The sweet stink of asparagus . You know you love it, Bitch... Recognize."
Trust me, I know.

Who's Tired of All the Sports Crap?

That's it. This blog is getting over-run with sports-related postings, and I've had enough.
I've decided to start up a separate blog specifically for all of the sports crap, and you're invited to join me up there. It'll be just like one of those old '976' sports lines; our own gay little sports blog. If anyone else is tired of their girlfriends and/or wives bitching about all of the sports mumbo-jumbo up on your blog, drop me a line and I'll invite you to post up on KILLING FOR SPORTS.

See you there.

P.S. Grossman still sucks.

NFL Week 12 Picks - Part Two

Okay, I'm off to a 3 & 0 start to this week - Now the picks get a bit more tricky.

Early Sunday Games:
Titans (6-4) over Bengals (3-7)
The Titans have been sucking it raw lately. Cincy's sucking so hard that they swallowed their season whole.

Browns (6-4) over Texans (5-5)
I'm drinking the Cleveland Kool-Aid - That would explain the explosive diarrhea.

Chiefs (4-6) over Raiders (2-8)
What can I say about this game? I know: NEXT!

Rams (2-8) over Seahawks (6-4)
For some stupid fucking reason, I really want to pick the Rams. They've won their last two games against the Saints and 49ers, and seem to have gotten their collective shit together. Then again, Seattle has won the last 5 straight in this match-up and Hassleback looked pretty sharp against the Bears last week.
Fuck it. I'm going with the Rams in a drunken fit of hubris.

Giants (7-3) over Vikings (4-6)
The Giants are a much better team in almost every aspect when held aside the Vikes. If the purple-penis-eaters can pull off a win here, I'll be shocked.
Postgame: Consider me shocked.

Redskins (5-5) over Buccaneers (6-4)
Why am I picking the team with the lesser record, on the road, and against the betting line? Because the Skins are the better team. I'm not just being a fan-boy with this pick - The Skins are for real.
Postgame: All of the Bucs points (except for a field-goal) came from DC's 6 turn-overs. Fuck.

Saints (4-6) over Panthers (4-6)
Lately I keep picking the Saints and keep getting burned. Luck for me they're playing the stone-dead Panthers. I'm not picking Carolina until the league allows Testeverde ride his Hoveround power-chair out onto the field for plays.

Jaguars (7-3) over Bills (5-5)
I'm lovin' the Bills this year, but they're over-matched in this contest.

Late Sunday Games:
Cardinals (5-5) over 49ers (2-8)
Ugh. Another clunker. Time to play a drinking game: Every time the announcers mention "expectations", take a drink - Every time they say the phrase "quarterback problems", take a drink - Every time they mention "rebuilding" slam your beer. Be sure to purge after each quarter to prevent alcohol poisoning.

Broncos (5-5) over Bears (4-6)
Chicago & Denver are both in full-turd-mode. Denver is totally unreliable lately, but I'm not picking the Bears with 'the quarterback who shall not be named' under center.
It looks like I won't even get to see this atrocity, I'm stuck watching the Ravens suck.
Fucking perfect.

Chargers (5-5) over Ravens (4-6)
The Chargers have to be out for blood after last week's loss in Jacksonville. I'm still not sure if Norv's Bolts are really good, but they're good enough to trump the beat-down Balti-Birds.

Sunday Night Game:
Patriots (10-0) over Eagles (5-5)
The Beagles didn't have a sideways prayer with Donovan healthy. With McNabb out and the game in New England, Philly is doomed.

Monday Night Game:
Steelers (7-3) over Dolphins (0-10)
Miami keeps marching toward a winless season. Keep goin' boys, we have faith that you can do it.
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct picks in GREEN

NFL Week 12 Picks - Part One

Fucking Turkey Day. I just get back, have to head down to southern Virginia, and now have to throw out 3 fresh NFL picks. I didn't get a chance to watch one game last week (thank Christ - It was a fucking mess for both of my teams) and haven't been keeping up on any NFL gossip. Lucky for me, 2 of the 3 Thanksgiving games are 'gimme' picks and I'm pretty damned sure about the third. Lucky me.

Last week's picks: 10/6
Season record: 104/56

(12:30 EST)
Packers (9-1) over Lions (6-4)
Yeah, the Kitties could win this one - I just don't see it happening. The Pack are already going to the postseason, I'm betting that the Lions won't.

(16:15 EST)
Cowboys (9-1) over Jets (2-8)
Not a bad food-coma game. You really don't want anything too exciting after your gastronomic endeavors for worry of barfing out you cranberry sauce onto mom's new carpet. This is the televised equivalent of tryptophan. Sweet dreans.

(20:15 EST)
Colts (8-2) over Falcons (3-7)
Chances are, you're not gonna see this game. This is an NFL Network exclusive game, and therefore unavailable to 70% of homes in America. I have NFL Net at home, out here, and out at my parents' place, so I'm not too worried about missing the Green Bay at Dallas, Bears at Skins, or Pats at Giants games later this year - You should be.
Postgame: You're probably all lucky to be missing the rest of the NFL Network games. Bryant Gumble's play-by-play is just fucking painful. Collinsworth does a good job, but Gumble's ineptitude makes watching any game on NFL Net a freakin' ordeal.
---

Correct picks in GREEN

Back in DC (and about to leave again)

I'm back in the District for about 18 big hours before I head south to Williamsburg for some Thanksgiving action at The Girl's parents' place.
That's gonna be awkward.

The question I have is: Do I still have to pay full rent if I'm out-of-state more than 1/2 of the time?

I'll get a Chicago wrap-up posted sometime soon. Promise. Maybe.

NFL Week 11 Picks

This week I'm busy as hell in Chicago looking for work and attending Riot Fest. This week's picks are gonna be sparse. I made a commitment (to myself) to pick the entire NFL season this year. That kinda sucks right now. I'm picking 'em all on Tuesday, and probably won't get much of a chance to update the blog until next Tuesday when I get back to DC, so here they are:

Last week's picks: 8/6
Season record: 94/50

Early Sunday Games
Saints (4-5) over Texans (4-5)
Einie-meiney-miney-Saints.

Colts (7-2) over Chiefs (4-5)
Colts have dropped 2 in a row. It won't go to 3.

Raiders (2-7) over Vikings (3-6)
Without Adrian Peterson, the Vikes are going to have to rely on their passing game. It would help if they had a passing game.

Giants (6-3) over Lions (6-3)
Even records don't mean equal teams.

Chargers (5-4) over Jaguars (6-3)
I want to pick the Jags, but after last week's performance, I'm not betting against San Diego.

Eagles (4-5) over Dolphins (0-9)
The Beagles better win this one.

Cardinals (4-5) over Bengals (3-6)
Cards are looking better. The Bengals are looking for a defense.

Browns (5-4) over Ravens (4-5)
Cleveland HATES the Ravens (aka: the old Browns). I'm looking for a Brown's beat-down in this one.

Packers (8-1) over Panthers (4-5)
If you have to bet all your lunch-money on one game, I'd recommend this one.

Buccaneers (5-4) over Falcons (3-6)
Tampa has been floundering, but are still good enough to beat Atlanta.

Late Sunday Games
Steelers (7-2) over Jets (1-8)
Pittsburgh is lookin' good . The Jets are looking at next year.

Bears (4-5) over Seattle (5-4)
Grossman, Berrian, and Benson all had a TD last week - Shoot me.
I'm picking 'em just so I can be extra-mad at them next week for losing this one.

Cowboys (8-1) over Redskins (5-4)
Skins are good - Boys are great.

Rams (1-8) over 49ers (2-7)
Because I said so.

Sunday Night Game
Patriots (9-0) over Bills (5-4)
I like the Bills, but I'm not getting cute with this pick (I already did that with the Bears).

Monday Night Game
Titans (6-3) over Broncos (4-5)
Titans have been playing like shit lately, then again, so have the Broncos
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN

Illinois, So Far

I got back late Friday night. Thirteen hour drive - Here's the highlights:
- Drove back a HUGE U-Haul truck that fucking chewed up gas like Godzilla chews up Tokyo. I spent nearly $500.00 on gas alone for the trip.
- Hit some snow up in the mountains. It was kinda cool - It was really bright out, but foggy with snow flying out of the halogen haze.
- I never had driven back at this time of year before, the foliage turning was really impressive in western Maryland and Pennsylvania.
- The truck only had a AM/FM radio in it - Broadcast radio really sucks in the span between Pittsburgh and Chicago: Guitar rock, Jesus, Right-Wing talk, NPR, smoove jazz, commercial rap/R&B, more Jesus, infomercials, repeat for 500 miles.
- Those killer bumps along I-88 that got me in the August trip back (apparently) weren't caused by the reciprocal action between my Jeep and the trailer I was hauling - The fucking road is just bumpy as hell. This time I almost barfed trying to go the last 20 miles in a freaking paint-can shaker.
My theory is that as soon as the Democrats took control of the state (and kinda pissed about 88 being designated the "Ronald Reagan Memorial Tollway"), decided to get their vengeance by making 88 the worst fucking road in the nation. Jesse White: "Kiss your mufflers goodbye, you Gipper-lovin' twats."

Saturday I hit D-Town and saw P-Dawg's band kick out the motherfucking jams at Otto's. They played a really good set, but could barely hear 'em over all of the crowd noise (3 people will get that joke). Later we hit the Annex and went to war on our livers - The next morning our livers went to war with us. Good times, bad hang-overs.

On Sunday EdP, P-Dawg, Old Dog, and ChrisB came out to help me unload the trailer. I love those guys. We knocked out the job just in time to catch the Bears game, drink some beer, and grill some sausages - Good times.

NFL Week 10 Picks

It's inter-divisional week in the NFL! All but 4 games this week are inter-divisional match-ups - I love the inter-divisional games. Those are the grudge-match games filled with hate and fire - You can't beat 'em.
I did pretty damned good last week. I beat all of the ESPN experts, and now am tied with Schlereth for the most correct picks so far. Hooray, me.
Yes, I do realize that L&E has become my own little NFL promotion machine, but it seems like people are responding (those people being EdP and myself - hey, we're people). I don't care - Bet some money on my picks if you want to make reading this shit more compelling. I double-dog-dare you.

Last week's picks: 11/3
Season record: 86/44

Early Sunday Games
Bills (4-4) over Dolphins (0-8)
My first pick is notorious for always being wrong. I'm happy that I'm leading off the picks with this one, because I'm pretty damned sure that the Williams (my new gay-football-crush) will handle the Fish in this one. If they don't, I'll be inconsolable.

Saints (4-4) over Rams (0-8)
Wow, two 0&8 teams -vs- two 4&4 teams leading off the picks this week - spooky. This game will go to the Saints, but watch out for the Rams in this one - They're fucking crazy with desperation and ready to either destroy their opponents or themselves in a huge explosion of angst. I don't think they'll win, but I wouldn't be surprised if they started going berserker in this one. A bunch of prognosticators picked 'em to go all the way to the Super Bowl during the offseason; Now they're winless going into week 10 - That would drive anyone to the edge of sanity.

Steelers (6-2) over Browns (5-3)
I'd really like to see the Browns win this one (after getting trounced in their opener to Pittsburgh 34 to 7). Bring the AFC North to a tie for first at 6&3 - Anarchy ensues. That would be so freakin' cool, but it ain't gonna happen. I watched the Steelers de-pants the Ravens last Monday, and now I'm thoroughly sold on Pittsburgh as a legitimate contender.
Routing Browns - Picking Steelers.

Redskins (5-3) over Eagles (3-5)
I was hoping that the Rockford FOX affiliate would have this game, so I could hole-up in a bar in DeKalb and watch both this game and the Pack-Vikes match. It ain't gonna happen. The week 10 NFL distribution map made that pretty clear
That was the best TV benefit of living in D-Town, having both the Rockford and Chicago stations. That meant that on any Sunday you could have up to six games to choose from (seven including the prime-time game). This week the only D-Town overlap is in the CBS early slot - Chicago has Cleveland @ Pittsburgh and Rockford has Denver @ Kansas City. Meh.

Falcons (2-6) over Panthers (4-4)
The Panthers' offensive is a train-wreck-on-fire. I'm hesitant to pick 'em for anything other than "team most likely to implode". Look for their 4th QB of the season to start this week.
You know it's really bad if I'm picking the woeful Falcons to win this.

Packers (7-1) over Vikings (3-5)
This game is going to be HUGE. I'm actually pretty psyched-up for this one. I'm picking the Pack, but routing for injuries.

Jaguars (5-3) over Titans (6-2)
The Titans' wonder-dummy has been having some performance problems as of late, and the Jags players keep getting into Cincinnati-style trouble. These are two good teams in danger of shaking apart at the seams. I don't know why I'm picking the Jaguars to win this one (all the cards are stacked against 'em in this contest), but I learned a lesson on following my intuition last week with the Saint's pick, where I went with the...
...Jags. And lost.
Crap!

Chiefs (4-4) over Broncos (3-5)
It's a good thing that Denver got rid of Plummer when they did. If they had done that, there would be zero chance that we would get to see Patrick Ramsey start for the Broncos. Ramsey is the Skins old QB. He was supposed to be the next Sonny Jurgensen, but turned out to be the first Rex Grossman. Have fun with that guy, Denver. You deserve him.

Late Sunday Games
Ravens (4-4) over Bengals (2-6)
I have no fucking idea who might win this game - No offense -vs- no defense. It's a draw. I'm going with the Ravens just because they're the home team. Mr. Murder (R. Lewis) looked pretty pissed in all of his post-game appearances. After this game, it's a good bet that Cincy won't have much of an offense either.

Cowboys (7-1) over Giants (6-2)
Look for a new player for the Boys this week, his name is Tank-something. He was cut by some hapless NFC North team and Dallas scooped him up for nothing. From what I heard, he's a real impact player, and should help shore-up the Dallas 'D'. Now maybe they'll be able to get some wins.

Lions (6-2) over Cardinals (3-5)
My most deeply held tenet in professional sports is that the Football Cardinals and The Detroit Lions will always suck. The Cards are holding up their end of the deal, but the Lions are seriously freaking me out. It's like waking up one morning under a blue sun - It just isn't right. Please make it stop.

Bears (3-5) over Raiders (2-6)
The Ursines better fucking win this one. If not, the word 'REBUILDING' has to enter the conversation, toots-sweet. Ron Turner is a fucking joke, Benson has all of the play-making ability of a blow-up fuck-doll, and Berrian's hands seem to excrete Astroglide. They're all less than useless, and if the retards in the front office could get their over-inflated egos out of their line-of-sight, they might just be able to see the same.
Nonetheless, Oakland is even worse. Much worse.
I love the Bears, but would much rather watch the Dallas/Giants game in this slot. I'm in Chicago this weekend, so I'm stuck with this one. Bah.

Sunday Night Game
Colts (7-1) over Chargers (4-4)
Don't let the San Diego record fool you. The Chargers are a much better team than their record indicates. They got punked against the Noresmen last week and are looking for retribution. Unfortunately (for them), they're facing one of the two best teams in the NFL right now. Nonetheless, I have a feeling that we're gonna see this same match-up again sometime in the AFC playoffs.

Monday Night Game
Seahawks (4-4) over 49ers (2-6)
You're fucking kidding me, right? This is just an awful match-up for a Monday night game.
I'll probably end up catching bits of this game from across a pint-glass, but my focus will be on the drinkin'.
---

Correct picks in GREEN
Wrong picks in RED

Pack It In

L&E is gonna be on the down-low over the next few days (lucky you). I've been slammed with this fucking move lately, and really need to kick it into overdrive due to the realization that I own way too much crap.
I've been packing everything up for 3 days straight, and still am only about half-way through. I have to buckle down and get everything finished; pronto. I'm picking up the moving van on Thursday (tomorrow), and hope to be on the road Friday morning - It'll never happen.
Then in a couple of weeks I get to turn around and do this all over again with the rest of my crap.
Woo-Hoo!
Help me..
---

P.S. I'm gonna need about 3 stout men (or 4 'port' men) to help me unload all this crap sometime on Saturday or Sunday - apply below in the comment field.
Luv U

Escape from Tardsville

Get me out of this fucking city!
If anyone has spent more than a month in DC, they'll know how fucking stupid the general populace is. It's a Sisyphean task just trying to buy a pack of smokes, let alone trying to take care of more complicated errands. North-West DC is the third circle of Dante's inferno.
It's gotten so bad that I rely on my trips back to Illinois for auto maintenance and Milo's veterinary visits. The rule of thumb for DC-area service is: If it's more complicated than a hand-job, go somewhere else (far-away) to get it done.
It's been a nightmare living with the DC postal service since I moved here 7 and 1/2 years ago. I know all of my neighbors very well for one reason: every afternoon around 6:45PM, we all get together and give each other the mail that was mistakenly delivered to the wrong address. It is an everyday occurrence. I've gotten my neighbors' outgoing mail, and they've all gotten my paychecks (on more than seven occasions). I've lost so much shit, it's not even funny - Try going door-to-door throughout your neighborhood asking everyone if they accidentally received your $1,500.00 mil-grade sniper scope. Then try explaining why you need a mil-grade sniper scope (it's for long-distance target shooting... no, really).
It's gotten to the point where I'll take all of my mail (from bills to WILTS) to a post office in the suburbs just to make sure that they get sent.
It's hard to top such spectacular incompetence, but today my mail-carrier reached a brand-new level of retardation. I came home to find this sticking out of my mail slot:Seriously; What the fuck?!?
The Mail-Tard tried sticking a package containing several bulky items through a mail slot that was half the width of the smallest item contained within the envelope. The fuck-wit jammed it in so far that I had to unscrew the mail-slot and disassemble the hinge just to get the package freed.
Tomorrow, it's all-out-war. I'm laying a trap. I'm not divulging the plan (for legal reasons), but it involves a taser, a large bag of rubber bands, a container of Chef Paul Prudhomme's Cayenne Chili Rub, and three speculums.
Oh, crap... I've said too much.
Forget everything I've said.

NFL Week 9 Picks

This week is officially the start of the second half of the regular-season. I think it's about time to compare how I'm doing compared to the big-boys... Well, I'm doing pretty damned good with my picks. Up against the ESPN experts I'm tied for third with Mortenson (Jaws has one game on me and Schlereth has three). Not bad.
Now that I've jinxed myself with hubris, expect 14 wrong picks this week to send me crashing back to terra firma where I belong. It'll be just like the tale of Icarus or the current Bush administration (No, not the New Orleans Saints' Reggie Bush Administration - That one seems to be back on track).
The best news of week 9: The Bears can't possibly lose this week. Trust me - Bet on it - Bet your mortgage if you must, it's a lock. It's their bye-week. If you can find some sucker to take that bet, bet the farm.

Last week's picks: 8/5
Season record: 75/41

Early Sunday Games:
49ers (2-5) over Falcons (1-6)
Should I pick the shitty team with the better record, or the shitty team with homefield advantage? I'm just reflexively picking the Niners so I don't have to linger on this abortion.

Bills (3-4) over Bengals (2-5)
I really like the Bills. There; I said it. I have no idea why, but I've been pulling for this team to win since their historic fall to the Cowboys. It must be my "Cubs reflex" kicking in.

Lions (5-2) over Broncos (3-4)
I can't believe that I'm actually picking the Detroit Football Lions to win. I'm just tired of getting burned picking against 'em.
I feel dirty.

Titans (5-2) over Panthers (4-3)
The Panthers are seriously fucked-up right now - Injuries galore. The Ex-Oilers are playing huge lately. On paper, this looks like a blow-out - It won't be.

Packers (6-1) over Chiefs (4-3)
The cheese-eaters are fucking huge this year. If they lose their second game to the Bears this year, I'd be fine with them winning the rest. It's better than the fucking Lions sneaking into the playoffs.

Chargers (4-3) over Vikings (2-5)
The Vikes are a one-trick-pony - The Chargers' pony knows two tricks.
Postgame: When your one-trick-pony (Peterson) has 296 yards and 3TDs, you really don't need a second.

Jaguars (5-2) over Saints (3-4)
I had originally picked New Orleans to win this one, but as I was writing why I picked 'em, all I could come up with was reasons why my pick was wrong. Instead of making excuses for picking a loser, I decided to just go with the better team.
I'm gonna be so fucking pissed when the fucking Saints win this one.
Postgame: Dammit! That's the last time I listen to my brain.

Redskins (4-3) over Jets (1-7)
Forget everything you learned about the Skins last week (liquor helps). They're really not a bad team, the Pats are just ridiculous-good. Fortunately, the Jets aren't the Patriots. Skins will win this one.

Buccaneers (4-4) over Cardinals (3-4)
Every damned week, I pick the Bucs and lay the game on Garcia. Week after fucking week, I'm wrong. This is Tampa's last chance - If they lose this one, they're dead to me.

Late Sunday Games:
Browns (4-3) over Seahawks (4-3)
Wow, this is the only game this week featuring teams with exactly the same record. I think the Browns are the better team, and the key match-ups in this contest favor...
What am I doing? No one gives a toss about this game. The only thing anyone cares about this week is:

Patriots (8-0) over Colts (7-0)
I had already written a long and statistically detailed post on how the Colts were the superior team in this match-up. Then the Pats had to go and skull-fuck my Skins live on national television last Sunday. I deleted that earlier post. I'm going with the Patriots - They're just fucking scary.
I have a nagging premonition that one of these two star QBs is gonna be injured in this match-up and be knocked-out for a hand-full of games (my money's on Brady). It's probably nothing, but I just can't shake the feeling.

Texans (3-5) over Raiders (2-5)
The Oakland O-line is jumpier than the chubby kid from 'Two and a Half Men' stuck in a NAMBLA convention. It's not pretty. Now (due to a local game black-out) they get to watch the their much-maligned newly-excised cancer (Randy Moss) lead a good team to a win, instead of watching their black-holes getting beat black by the Texicans.
I just feel sorry for Houston who has to watch this horseshit instead of the Pats/Colts game. They're the only market in the nation that isn't getting the marquee game this week - A crappy game for a crappy city.

Sunday Night Game:
Cowboys (6-1) over Eagles (3-4)
The big story after this week won't be the outcome of the Colts/Pats game, but rather the media tsunami that explodes after Wade Wilson (the Dallas QB coach) gets busted scoring HGH from Andy Reid's degenerate dope-fiend children.

Monday Night Game:
Steelers (5-2) over Ravens (4-3)
This year's Ravens look like they were thrown together with the spare parts left over from Disneyland's 'Hall of Presidents' exhibit. Hey Baltimore, you wanna give us a real show? Send your animatronic team over to SRL. Until then, the Steelers will continue to dominate this match-up.
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct picks in GREEN

Movement in Motion

I'm gonna be back in Illinois again the weekend after next (November 9th or 10th) with a moving truck full of my crap. I'll be back there until the 19th. I'm hoping to get a couple of interviews in while I'm back.
This is it, kids. I'm on the road back home.

Your Kids Are Whores

Tonight, instead of ogling nubile half-nekkid drunk girls at the bar, I got to hand out candy to children and other dregs of society. This is what I get for having too much shit to fit into an apartment.

I saw plenty of nubile half-nekkid girls, problem is that they were all around 13 or 14. WHAT THE FUCK? Jesus Christ people, I'm already paying for your degenerate child's education through the taxes that you managed throw down on cigarettes and liquor. The last fucking thing I need is your nymphet daughter ringing at my doorbell wearing nothing but a fucking g-string, a boobie bandage, all the while suggestively smiling at me awkwardly through braces (teeth, not leg) while I'm desperately trying to pay attention only to candy and the Boris Karloff marathon on TCM.
That's just not fucking fair. C'mon people - Don't send your kids out looking like Sri Lankan street-walkers. It's not my place to raise your children, much less have your children raise my... Forget it.

Back to the other assorted dregs of society... I live about 3 blocks outside the DC city limits in a residential neighborhood. This is great for everyday life - I get to hole-up in a peaceful neighborhood whilst being within reasonable walking distance of modern civilization.
This all goes to hell on October 31st of any given year. I may live in a residential neighborhood, but there are several gov'ment housing projects within a few blocks of my house.

Here's my typical Halloween: Cute little trick-or-treater, another little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, jailbait, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, chase off guy trying to steal my tires, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, crackhead, scare the hell outta a little trick-or-treater while chasing off the ensuing wave of crackheads by breaking out the AK-47, jailbait, etc...

I'm glad that this is the last year I'm doing this shit. The other neighbors are way-fucking smarter than me - I looked out on the street this evening, and my Jeep was one of only 3 cars on the entire block (usually there are at least 20+). Crafty bastards.
I realized this while I was washing off the eggs and shaving creme from my car (and I even fucking gave out candy!?!).

I would just ignore the whole fucking holiday altogether, but the last time I did that was in 2001. That year I had to replace 3 slashed tires and 2 broken windows - I'm sure that things will be more civilized back in Chicago...
Please?

Commitment Issues

As I type this, my Vespa '50 Special', my grill, my smoker, all of my lawn implements, some tools, and a couple of mannequins are stuffed in a trailer and heading back to the heartland. All of my outdoor accouterments are gone from DC for good.
Ergo, now I'm (officially) committed to moving back to IL, unless I want to go through life with raw bratwurst, unsmoked meats, and an unruly lawn (amongst other things). That's not a life worth living.
Sometime within the next 15 days, I'm gonna be heading back to Chicagoland in a big-ass U-Haul containing roughly half of my indoor-crap. Then I plan on moving the rest out of DC sometime mid-December. My path is set - destiny be damned.
Coincidentally, now I'm in the market for gainful employment and housing (in that order). If anyone has any hot leads, be sure to drop me a line.

NFL Week 8 Picks

As you all probably know by now, I'm back in Illinois for a whirlwind surprise Halloween visit. That means that this post was written (for the most part) last Sunday and Monday because I knew that there was no way in hell that I'd have the time to sit down and do this while I was in the middle of a drinking marathon. Therefore, I'm sure that there's a bunch of injuries and/or last minute shifts that I'm gonna miss, but I don't care. I'm having way too much fun to worry about being right.

Last week's picks: 10/4
Season record: 67/36

Early Sunday Games:
Bears (3-4) over Lions (4-2)
I can't see Chicago dropping both regular-season games to the fucking Lions (or the abstinent Lions, for that matter).
The key to this game is somehow abducting Ron Turner before kickoff and keeping him locked in a utility closet until there's 30 seconds left in the 4th. Hell, If the closet is big enough, I'd strongly recommend doing the same with Benson and Berry-Ann.

Steelers (4-2) over Bengals (2-4)
Pittsburgh is gonna be grumpy after shitting the bed on national television against Denver last week. Cincinnati is gonna be over-confident after coming back to beat a 1&5 team last week.
Quick, Mr. Bunny, hop off of the train tracks!
This is gonna be the stuff that cautionary traffic-safety films are made of.

Titans (4-2) over Raiders (2-4)
It looks likely that the Titans are getting Big Dummy back for this one. That's all I needed to hear - I'm goin' with Tennessee.

Browns (3-3) over Rams (0-7)
If you had to call this game when the 2007 schedule was released, nobody would have picked the Browns. Now nobody would pick the Rams. You gotta love this game.

Giants (5-2) over Dolphins (0-7)
'Ello, London!
This one counts as a home game for Miami, which is totally unfair to the Dolphins - It can't possibly feel like a home-game for the Fish with people in the stands. Heres my theory: (NFL Commissioner) Tagliabue's plan is to get the Dolphins out of the country, have NFL personal confiscate their passports, and summarily eradicate all history of the franchise from the NFL record. It worked for Stalin.

Vikings (2-4) over Eagles (2-4)
I'm gonna be routing for Philly in this one, but I was really impressed with the Minnesota defense last week against the Cowboys. It looks like a classic hard-nosed Bears defense, for chrissake. Plus, those Nordic fuckers have a running game that Lovie can only dream of. How'd that happen - That's not good. The only thing that's holding Minnesota back is their clown at QB - That twat makes Grossie look good. I'm just hoping that this team gets dismantled by injuries before week 15.

Colts (6-0) over Panthers (4-2)
The Colts are playing HUGE lately. For my money, they're a much better team than the Patriots (more on that next week). The Panthers definitely have enough talent to pose a legitimate threat, but after seeing Indy manhandle the Jags last week, I have to go with the Colts to get the win against Carolina.

Late Sunday Games:
Bills (2-4) over Jets (1-6)
Why do I keep picking the motherfucking Jets to win? They haven't come through for me since week 3 (against the hapless Dolphins). My Mangina man-crush is over - I'm going with the Williams in this one.

Texans (3-4) over Chargers (3-3)
Note: This game will probably be played in Arizona or (possibly) postponed.
San Diego has been on fire lately... Sorry. The Chargers are hot, but all of the wrath-of-god issues that they've had to deal with this last week are gonna take their toll - It's hard to focus on professional tackle football when every thing you have has been reduced to a smoldering pile of embers. The Texicans are good enough to exploit this 'crisitunity' for a win.

Buccaneers (4-3) over Jaguars (4-2)
The Jags took a beating against Indy last week and it looks like Garrard will either be out this week or be playing hurt. I like Tampa, but just barely.
Postgame: Jags by 1 point. I was barely wrong.

Saints (2-4) over 49ers (2-4)
The Saints need to get another win against a cupcake team before hosting the Jaguars next week. They can do it.

Patriots (7-0) over Redskins (4-2)
Fun Fact: The Patriots haven't won in DC since 1972. Let's see how they do against a team with a winning record (so far the only winning team they've faced was Dallas). As much as I'd love to see my Skins pull off the upset in this one, it ain't gonna happen. Hell, Washington barely squeaked out a win against the crippled Cardinals last Sunday. If the Skins are going to pull off this upset they're gonna have to commit to smash-mouth football on both sides of the ball - Offense: Hard Run, Hard Run, Hard Run, etc. Defense: Keep the pressure on Brady and hope for mistakes. Blitz like fuck; that'll give up a bunch of completions, but will eventually wear down the O-line and leave Brady vulnerable.

-There isn't a Sunday Night Game due to the World Series-

Monday Night Game:
Broncos (3-3) over Packers (5-1)
This game is gonna be going on about 2 miles away from game 5 of the World Series (if needed). I'm hoping that it snows like hell - I'm routing for chaos. I think that the Pack has a real good shot at winning this one, but it looks like the Broncos may be on an upswing. I'm picking this one based on my NFC North hopes, and Denver's home-field advantage.
Postgame: Pack wins in overtime - Pencil 'em in for the NFC North title this year.
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN

Nature Defies Calabasas Smoking Ban

Wow, this is both truly ironic and deeply gratifying.
Calabasas California, which is best known for having the strictest anti-smoking ordinances in the nation, happens to be engulfed in flame right now.
How's that smoking ban working now, you smug pricks?
I hope your tight-assed little smoke-free utopia burns to the fucking ground.

P.S. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

Suspicion Confirmed

I so fucking called this. Actually, I asserted that all wizards were gay. Dumbledore is a wizard, isn't he?
"Proof" HERE.

Beacuse You Can't Rape A Coke Machine

The new fashion statement coming out of the land of the rising sun is urban camo for ladies who have watched too many Urotsukidōji hentai flix. Nothing let's you hide from rampaging demon penis monsters better than dressing up like a vending machine. I'm just relieved that deeply ingrained irrational fear isn't isolated to the United States.

Wow, Check out this (totally not conspicuous) ninja shit:
LINK (via Boing Boing)

Riot Fest 2007

There's a good chance that I'll be back in Chicago next month to haul back the first load of my crap from DC & to catch Riot Fest 2007 @ the Congress Theater.
Check out this fucking line-up:

Saturday, November 17:
Naked Raygun, Stiff Little Fingers, 7 Seconds, Nekromantix, The Queers, Lower Class Brats, The Methadones, Shot Baker, Magnafux, The Heart Attacks, The Copyrights

Sunday, November 18:
Bad Brains, Sludgeworth, The Casualties, Dillinger Four, The Bollweevils, Youth Brigade, Zero to Sixty (ex-88 Fingers Louie), Flatfoot 56, Deal's Gone Bad, The Frantic

Fucking Sludgeworth!?! I'm so there.

P.S. Someone please pick me up a ticket for the Friday Pre-Bash show at Double Door. Thanx.

NFL Week 7 Picks

Last week I got cute with my picks and got my ass handed to me. This week I'm gonna try to get back on track, but really think that any of this week's games could go either way (with a few exceptions). Historically, it's easier to pick as the season progresses, but this season isn't following any of the rules. It doesn't help that so many quarterbacks are out that a couple of teams showed actual interest in signing Rex Grossman before the trade deadline (but not enough to surrender a 2nd round draft pick) - that's sayin' something. There's so much blood in the water at this point that I'm more interested in potential injuries than game results. It makes for great football, but terrible prognostication.
That, kids, is why you should never bet real money on professional tackle football. Always bet with a check.

Last week's picks: 6/7
Season record: 57/32

Early Sunday Games:
Bills (1-4) over Ravens (4-2)
I always seem to lead off my picks with a turkey, so I don't see why this week should be any different. The Ravens are looking like thrice hammered shit lately, and I was really impressed with the Bills play against the Cowboys a couple of weeks back (except for the part where they up and lost). I think that the Williams have a great shot at an upset this week coming off of their 'bye'. I'm sure that I'll be wrong, but that's how I see it.

Buccaneers (4-2) over Lions (3-2)
Dude, like who would win in a fight between a Lion and a Pirate? I'm just hoping that the Bucs can throw some hurt down on the Lions to soften 'em up for next week's trip to Chicago.

Patriots (6-0) over Dolphins (0-6)
The Pat's first loss this season will be against Miami, but that won't happen until week 16. The Fish are famous (infamous?) for scoring huge upsets on undefeated teams. Remember the Bears game late last season (or the '85 Bears, for that matter)?

Saints (1-4) over Falcons (1-5)
Flood town meets drought town. I'd rather sit through a House Natural Resources Subcommittee on Water and Power hearing than this game.

Giants (4-2) over 49ers (2-3)
Here's how to make this the game of the week:
1) Build a working time-machine.
2) Travel back to 1989.
3) Enjoy.

Skins (3-2) over Cardinals (3-3)
If the Cards keep up with their current streak, expect Rattay (Arizona's starting QB) to go out with injuries sometime before the half. If that happens, there's a good chance that Arizona will be forced to play Tim Hassleback, who they just signed this week. He's the Skins' old back-up QB, brother of Matt, and hubby of the crazy blond chick on The View. It's gonna take yet another Arizona QB injury to give this game an interesting story-line, but I'm thinking that the Cards can do it.

Texans (3-3) over Titans (3-2)
If I thought that das Wunderlicher was gonna be healthy for this one, I'd pick the Titans hands-down. There's a good chance that he'll play, get stuck in the pocket, and fuck his leg up even worse than it is now trying to make some stupid play. I'm not sold on Kerry Collins, so I'm picking the Texicans at home.
Postgame: The end of this game was a genuine barn-burner. Too bad CBS couldn't show it - Instead I got to watch Cower, Sharpe, Brown, and Esiason watching the end of the game and narrating. Fucking lame as hell.

Late Sunday Games:
Jets (1-5) over Bengals (1-4)
No offense -vs- no defense, who will win? More importantly, who cares?

Chiefs (3-3) over Raiders (2-3)
I really want to pick the Raiders at home, but I still haven't picked the Chiefs to win yet this season. Let's see how that goes. This is my way of saying "The Chiefs aren't who I thought they were".

Cowboys (5-1) over Vikings (2-3)
I'm hoping that they both lose, but that ain't gonna happen. I'm gonna be watching this one just to see if Adrian Peterson II (Electric Boogaloo) is really that good, or if the Bears D is really that bad.

Bears (2-4) over Eagles (2-3)
The DC market is getting the Vikes-Boys matchup - Can't say I'm surprised. I'm predicting that the story after this game will be about (additional) injuries. I'm setting the line at '5'. 3 Eagles players hurt, 2 for the Bears.
Postgame: Ron Turner calls plays for 58 minutes of play - Result = 4 field goals. Communications are cut for 2 minutes and Griese is forced to call the plays - Result = Touchdown. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Seahawks (3-3) over Rams (0-6)
The story of the Saint Louis Rams: They stink. The End.

Primetime Sunday Game:
Steelers (4-1) over Broncos (2-3)
It's lucky for the Broncos that the Rockies are in the World Series. It's the only thing keeping the Denver fans from screaming for Mike Shanahan's head.

Monday Night Game:
Colts (5-0) over Jaguars (4-1)
This is gonna be one hell of a game. I like the Colts in this one, but this is gonna be their biggest test of this season (so far).
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Correct picks in GREEN
Wrong picks in RED

Photo Bender

I've been neglecting my Flickr page lately. That's gotta stop.
I just posted up a handful of pics - Enjoy.

Prodigal Son

I'm ready to officially announce:

After seven and one-half years of saying so, I am finally going to move back to Chicago sometime within the next few months.

My days of herding swine are over.

NFL Week 6 Picks

I beat that fucking NRA Medallion last week! 12/2 to 8/6. Hoo-Ha! Take that motherfucker.
I'm celebrating my awesome record last week now, because this looks like another "trap" week (see: week 4) - I'll be lucky to break even on Week 6.
C'mon all you party people say "Yeah"! It was fun while it lasted.

Last week's picks: 12-2
Season record: 51-25

1PM Sunday:
Bears (2-3) over Vikings (1-3)
.500, here we come! It looks like the Bears are back on track. Looking at their schedule, I say they end up with 9 or 10 wins, 6 or 7 losses, and a play-off berth.
I see the Pack heading south, the way Kitna's playing in Detroit he's lucky to be out of a wheelchair, and the Vikes will be lucky to end this season with just a losing record (and that's sayin' something). Bears will make this postseason - Write it down.
Postgame: Fuck it. I give up trying to figure out this Bears team - Forget everything I said. As soon as they fix the QB problem, their Defense starts leaking like a sieve. I just don't know.

Browns (2-3) over Dolphins (0-5)
This hotly anticipated match-up of elite QBs finally happens - Cleo Lemon or Derek Anderson; who will win?
-Click-

Redskins (3-1) over Packers (4-1)
I'm really digging my adoptive football squadron (Skins) this season. I'm hoping that they only lose one more game this regular-season (December 6th). Realistically, I think that they'll only lose 3 or 4 more. This ain't one of 'em.
Postgame: The Skins woulda had this one wrapped if their fucking receivers could hold on to the fucking ball. Fucking bums.
Monday Update: THIS sums it up.

Bengals (1-3) over Chiefs (2-3)
The Bengals defense is so depleted that they're actually playing a make-a-wish kid, two migrant laborers that they picked up in front of the 7-11, and a 1985 "Monsters of the Midway" poster on their D-line. It's still gonna be good enough to stop the Chiefs.

Jets (1-4) over Eagles (1-3)
Dear Andy Reid,
You aren't coaching. Seriously, You have more important issues at hand. Both of your sons are in jail and it's fucking obvious that you're just not concentrating on the game - That was crystal-clear after you let the Giants steamroll the same spot in the Philly O-line and sack McNabb 12 fucking times in your last outing. Take a year or two off, and sort out your life before you kill this team.
Sincerely,
The City of Philadelphia
P.S. Trading Jeff Garcia before McNabb was fully healed was really stupid.
P.S.S. BOOOOOO!!!
P.S.S.S. BOOOOOO!!!!

Buccaneers (3-2) over Titans (3-1)
Hey, where's Garcia quarterbacking now? That's right; Tampa. The Bucs are doing pretty good this year. This is gonna be a close one. The Titans have the wonder-tard behind center, remember?
I'm just picking the home-team in this coin-toss.

Jaguars (3-1) over Texans (3-2)
Both are good teams. It just so happens that Jacksonville is gooder.
Note to Mrs. Schindlebeck (my 2nd Grade teacher): Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Ravens (3-2) over Rams (0-5)
The Ravens are playing with all of the athletic vigor of Amando de Ossorio zombies. Still, the Rams are even more hapless than the victims in Amando de Ossorio films. All they do is stand still, scream, trip a couple of times, and die - That's the Rams for you.

4PM Sunday:
Cardinals (3-2) over Panthers (3-2)
I have it on good authority that Matt Leinart broke his collarbone when he fell off of his fat fucking whore of a wife mid-coitus. Luckily for the Cards, half of the Carolina team was injured doing the same.
Postgame: It looks like Warner fell off of Leinart's wife in the first quarter.
Tim Rattay -vs- Vinny Testaverde?!?! What the fuck is this; the CFL?

Cowboys (5-0) over Patriots (5-0)
Fuck you - You heard me right, I'm picking the Cowboys to win this one.
Every-fucking-body is picking the Pats to win this week. Whenever that happens, the other team always seems to pull an upset. The only arguments for the Pats winning that I've heard are:
a) The Cowboys haven't had to play a real team this year. Agreed - The team with the best record they've faced this season is the Chicago Bears under The Quarterback Who Shall Not Be Named, but the best team that the Pats have played this year has the same record at this point (2&3). If you look at the combined win/loss stats of the past opponents of these two teams they break down as such: Pats: 7/17, Boys: 6/19. That's not too different, is it? Plus, Dallas is playing in a division where the other teams rivals have a combined winning record, whereas the Pats are playing in a division where the other teams are 2/13. Dallas has a lot more to play for.
b) The Cowboys fucking sucked against the Bills last week. They still won didn't they? They had no fucking place winning that game, but they did. The last game I saw where something like that happened was last season's Bears -vs- Cardinals game. To pull off a win like that is infinitely more impressive than staging a blow-out. Plus, now Dallas is gonna correct those mistakes, whereas the Pats are expecting last week's Cowboys to take the field.
c) The Patriots don't lose. I'm sure that the NE players are buying into that mentality, and that makes them vulnerable. Every year New England blows a "gimme" game against some shitty team (usually the Jets, Bills, or Dolphins), I think that they're walking into a huge trap this week in Dallas.
All that all being said, I'm fully expecting to get my ass handed to me on this pick.
Postgame: This is what happens when you pick games at 4AM on a Saturday morning. Liquor makes you think funny things.

Chargers (2-3) over Raiders (2-2)
It looks like the Chargers got their "spark" back last week... Bluurgh! That was so horrible that I'm ending this pick before someone gets hurt.

Primetime Sunday Game:
Seahawks (3-2)over Saints (0-4)
This probably seemed like an white-knuckle thrill-ride of a game when NBC picked this one in the offseason. Not so much, now. Use this time to check out Dexter on Showtime, watch Adult Swim, and interact with your loved ones (if you must).
Postgame: Whaaaaa?!? It's official - Football makes no sense at all (this week).

Monday Night Game:
Giants (3-2) over Falcons (1-4)
Believe it or not, The Giants have turned that bend in the road and are looking real good right now. Atlanta is still stuck on the off-ramp with 3 flat tires, no power-steering, and their turn-signal flashing in the wrong direction.
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Wrong picks in RED
Correct picks in GREEN