Thursday, December 07, 2006


Bear with me, I just need to cough up some e-bile:

Right now I'm trying to decide where I want to live, which has brought up a whole host of reflections that I (somehow) feel the need to parse through. The old saying goes: "You can never go home again". I'd assert that you were never there in the first place.
I'm getting ready to head back there for a few weeks - Hell, I could viably stay until March and few people out here in DC would notice (or care). The thing that kills me is that when I'm back home I still feel on edge. There are wide array of good reasons why I left Illinois all those years ago, and doing so has worked out for the best. Now I truly enjoy going back to IL; as soon as I get back I feel back in my element (unfortunately, my element seems to be #84), yet I still feel out of sorts back in my old stomping grounds.
I think my problem is that I crave anonymity, but find myself in places where I'm well known - That's my own damned fault. I just wish I could go into any bar without random strangers coming up to me to parse politics, or attempt to avenge some half-remembered past indiscretion. Fuck 'em - they always lose, but still, it's getting real fucking old. If I had half of a working brain I'd just go to a new city and lie my ass off like everyone else does. Create a completely new identity and back-story. Problem is, I've lived a life that's more interesting than any plausible story that I could ever fabricate, and I'm not the type to downplay anything.
Back in the day, I'd always say that the worst thing that could ever happen to a person was to become a caricature of themselves. Sometimes I worry that I've crossed that line, and sometimes I think that I should just go further. If everyone seems to think they know who I am, I should give 'em the whole grit your teeth - shit your pants - pray to Christ experience. I'm in the driver's seat and Bourbon is my co-pilot, so any motherfuckers around should just strap down, shut up, and get bulletproof real quick. That's one way to do it.
I may end up coming back to IL for the long-haul sometime this Spring. I fucking hate DC like poor kids hate ketchup-soup and hungry rats. It's always seemed like the expansion-trailer classroom in the schoolyard of America - shoddy, filthy, uncomfortable, and one stiff wind away from going ass-over-tits. I want out of this shithole like unwanted kittens want outta wet burlap, but where to go; Home, or another city that I'll grow to loathe? For once, I don't have the answer.
Well, (in summation) either I'm fucked regardless, or just typing drunk again. Your call is as good as mine.


jeanz said...

The anonymity/familiarity dichotomy (not the right word) is one thing I really liked about living in Chicago. You want anonymity? Go somewhere you've never been and shut up. Bring a book or notebook if need to put up a wall. You want familiarity? Go to the corner dive and crack a few lightweight jokes. It's not too hard to break in with a community of regulars.

If it sounds like I'm voting for "come home," you're half right. You can come to the same state and live a whole world away, if you want to.

jeanz said...

Forgot one thing: I always feel awkward going back to DK. I haven't had a home there in a long, long time, and it's painfully obvious with every visit - at least, at the beginning and end. The middle of a visit is always good.

Chris B. said...

Sugar Grove has an impenetrable force field of annonimity around it. (Nobody wants to go there.) Not much of a night life, but TONS of potential.

edP said...

What happend to Wisconsin and book writing and badger shooting and fighting by hand and eating and possibly snuggling with the corpses of...?

Not that I don't want you to come back in the Illinois region where you can behave badly from time to time with those of us who just like you (for God knows what reason) and don't really give a fuck who you are...

But I think you're right that you might need some away to get some shit together before you feel like you can come home-ish.

Maybe my advice to you is more like my own personal confession...I "stay in" in a town where I am relatively infamous when I feel like I haven't done shit for awhile. I don't go to the places I used to go (for a time) because I feel like I've got nothing to say, nothing to add...

When I've written/finished/done something relatively new - I'm a bit happier. I feel like I've accomplished something.

I think you should feel like that anyhow, whether you write or produce anything new or left - you made a big leap - took a big fucking chance wiht your job/jobs and have some great stories to tell.

Anyway, we all feel the need to insulate ourselves somehow and you deserve to find a way to that.

edP said...

By the way - regarding don't think some former KGB dumbass is trying to pop a Polonium cap in your ass?

There'll be consequences and repercussions if someone tries shit like that.

edP said...

By the way...nice touch near the end "home or a city I'll grow to loathe"