Thursday, May 22, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Palace of the Virgin Fan-Boys

Tonight I decided to catch the midnight showing of the new Indiana Jones flick because: A) I'm a total nerd-loser who has never touched boobies, and B) I don't have a damned place to be tomorrow morning - Suck it you counterrevolutionary wage-slaves of the bourgeoisie.

Since you "look at me, I'm gainfully employed" chumps aren't gonna see the movie until sometime this weekend, Here are a few lies plot-points to tide you over until you get a chance to see it for yourselves:

1) The whole film is played out using Lego figurines (screen shot above).

2) John Williams' musical score has been replaced by instrumental versions of Devo's "Whip It" played with varying intonations.

3) The entire second half of the film turns into a steamy AARP version of a late-night Cinemax soft-core porno featuring Indy and Marion. The only real action unfolds when a boulder rolls out from Marion's uncrossed thighs and chases Indy through the Fantasy Suites Hotel.

4) Jar-Jar Binks' skull figures heavily into the story-line and there are several references throughout to "the great Gungan race".

5) The short before the film is a 15 minute documentary on India narrated by Steven Spielberg extolling the great history and diverse culture of the Indian Republic. Several mentions are made to the fact that they do not, indeed, eat monkey brains, but it is pointed out that they do field a lot of the customer service calls for collection agencies, so if they'd just be cool about "Temple of Doom thing", we'd be willing to look the other way on that later travesty.

6) Short Round (now going by the name of Pol Pot) reappears in the new film and pleads with Indy to join his "Khmer People's Revolutionary Party".

7) Dramatic bare-knuckled boxing match between Henry "Indiana" Jones and Joseph "The Man of Steel" Stalin over the Aleutian Islands. Indy wins, but sustains several severe blows to the head - For the remainder of the film, he refers to Marion as "Adrian".

8) Turns out, Indy's fedora was, in fact, a symbiotic brain parasite who has been controlling his every word and action throughout the entire series.

9) In the end, the Crystal skull turns out to be a cheap forgery, readily available to tourists in Peru for 50 nuevo sols a pop. Indy and Joel Cairo decide to frame-up Wilmer Cook to take the fall for all of the mayhem which has ensued in pursuit of the worthless trinket. Reluctantly, Indy turns Marion over to the authorities for her hand in the death of Miles Archer.

10) Despite drinking from the holy grail at the end of "Last Crusade", Indy is obviously aging and his father has since passed. They explain this incongruity by revealing that there is no God, all of the Judeo-Christian mythos were hokum, and that dark wizards were responsible for all of the miraculous happenings in the first and third films.

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By the way: There's no "stinger" at the end of the film. So you're free to urinate as soon as the credits start to roll (figuratively, of course, unless you're watching the movie on the South-Side; then literally).

5 comments:

Chris B. said...

If it really was done in Legos, I would have gone. Other than that, count me as one of the washed masses. Also, I heard it sucked - is that true?

DC Liar said...

Nope, It fucking ROCKED!
Granted, I had to do my damnedest to suspend my disbelief throughout, but once you choke down reason and enjoy it for what it is, it's one hell of a ride.

shadrow said...

sniff... sniff... sorry to be a chump... I want to go see it but have no time... i might go see it tomorrow night with the rest of the masses....

I still need to catch Iron Man!!!

Meat Head said...

It sucked... I think Gundy said it best.

"Had to be seen but shouldn't have been made.:

edP said...

Are these anatomically correct Lego figurines perchance?