Hasta la Vista, Crazy.

After five months of crashing out on our futon, Cheyenne (pictured) went back to live with her real family today. I'll be at a loss for rambling stories of adventure for awhile.

Household Hieroglyph

I noticed this pictogram on the side of a box of dryer-sheets, and for the life of me, I can't decipher it.
Here are my best guesses:
A) DO NOT PLACE SEAGULL IN TEAKETTLE
B) THIS IS NOT AN ENCHANTED WISHING LAMP - DO NOT RUB FOR GENIE
C) NOT FOR USE WITH EUROPEAN A/C PLUG-IN ANAL STIMULATORS

The Apartment

We're finally getting settled into the new place.
It's pretty fucking sweet.

An Open Letter to the Hop-Toads of Northern Illinois

Dear Hop-Toads,

Stay out of the damned pool. You guys realize that you totally can't swim, right? That's why I keep having to fish 6 or 7 of you guys out with a strainer every damned night. Seriously, there's a pond less than 200 feet away that's not a total death-trap. Plus, I've heard that that's the place for freaky-dirty toad sex. Not the swiming pool. You guys are almost as bad as those damned uppity tree frogs that keep setting up house in the sodding jacuzzi. Cut it out!
Please take this into account for future reference.

Sincerly,
The Liar

A New High In Low

It finally happened.
I found myself buying a lottery ticket at the liquor store today.

Liquor Store + Lottery Ticket = Oh Crap.

Glitch Slap-or-Why I Suddenly Hate Spike Jones

Fucking technology; stupid me.
Earlier tonight I discovered an incredibly stupid glitch in Windows Media Player. This weekend I picked up a Spike Jones 3 CD set out of the WalMart bargain bin on a whim. When I ripped it to my EHD, the artwork for the first 2 discs downloaded, but not the third. Instead of finding the artwork online and pasting it manually, I clicked on the "update info" WMP function. It updated that disc and (for some fucking reason) replaced about 1/5th of my files with that same artwork. Now about 750 of my files have the image (below) as their album art:Arrrrrrggggghhhhh!
I'm way too anal-retentive to ignore it, and this will drive me mad until I get everything back to the way it's supposed to be. Of course all of the files that were replaced were those that were not in the WMP library. We're talking about obscure Japanese punk comps, vinyl transfers, self-produced CDs, out-of-print crap, promotional discs, etc. Essentially, it's all of the stuff that it took me forever to find the graphics for the first time around.
Something that took about 2 seconds to happen is going to take about 65 hours to fix. Seriously.
The final kick in the nuts? The CD set is of such unbelievably crappy production that it is virtually unlistenable.
I know, I know, I know - WalMart, $7 box-set, Windows Media Player - I was totally asking for it. Bite me.
That doesn't matter. I'm about 6 shots of tequila away from driving out to California, defecating on Jones' grave, stealing the headstone, driving North to Washington, and hurling it through the front windows of Microsoft's main building. That might seem excessive, but should take up less time than it will to fix the fucking problem itself.
Cocksuckers.

Panic Button

Recently I've been neglecting the blog. I know it.
I've spent most of my time trying to find a job back here in Illinois, and it's taking a lot longer than I had anticipated. I really need to find something in the next month or I'm going to be in a world of trouble, so I've been in overdrive lately.
I'm going to try and get a few posts that I've been working out in my head up here soon, but until then, enjoy yet another squirrel pic that The Girl sent me:
Superb.

I Got Nuthin

I really don't have anything worth posting about... seriously.
Nothing - Nada - Zilch.
All I have is this humorous picture of a squirrel that The Girl found somewhere on the interwebs:Hope you enjoyed that.

Steve Kazmierczak

The Chicago Tribune hasn't "released" the name of the NIU shooter, but if you follow the leads in THIS article, THIS has to be the guy.
---
HERE'S something else I dug up.
Weird.
---
I think I may have found the guy's Live Journal page. By searching his UIUC alias (sans "2"), I found this (skazmie.livejournal.com/).
I really wouldn't paste that link if I were you - The page seemes really wiggy, my SpyBot and StopScript programs started going nuts when I checked it out, which led to the Blue Screen of Death. It might just be Vista being Vista, but I don't trust it.
All you need to know is that the user name is "steve... kaz. ..." & it's titled "Emo-Sexual Blog".
Seriously.

Update: It looks like this one was a false-positive. Sorry, Emo-Sexual Blog - Keep on keeping on.
---
Clarification:
I went to school in DeKalb and still have a bunch of friends back there (some who work for the university), but I never knew the shooter (nor would I want to).
I just put together some clues that were being floated by various media sources early this morning. I cannot vouch for the validity of any of the aforementioned sites or any sites mentioned in the comment field.
I just happened to be awake at 3AM, did a few simple web searches, and posted what I found - That's it.

Sicko-or-How I Accidentally Stopped Smoking

I've been dead-sick since Tuesday and have been absolutely fucking miserable.
Here's the funny thing: In my sickness I think that I accidentally stopped smoking. It's been 3 full days since I had a smoke and I'm not even vaguely interested in lighting one up.
That fucking sucks. I like smoking and had no inclination to quit.

This sort of thing has happened before. Back in college I used to quit smoking for weeks at a time just to annoy my roommate who was always trying to quit (unsuccessfully). It was just another test of will, and once I'd met my goal I'd always go right back to smoking, because it was something that I enjoyed.
Now I'm not so sure that it's worth it. I'm gonna give it one full week (1-16-08, 12PM) and then decide what I'm doing on the nicotine front.
Here's my pro/con list on whether it's worth it to quit:

Pro: By quitting smoking, I can personally deprive inner-city children of vitally needed provisions and services funded by state tobacco taxes, and everyone knows how much I detest underprivileged children.

Con: Non-smokers (for the most part) are smug, self-satisfied, holier-than-thou twats.
What made me special is that I was all of those things and smoked.

Pro: It's fucking cold outside.

Con: By quitting right after the IL smoking ban passes, I feel like I'm surrendering to the will of the nanny-state. Welcome to the "No Fun" future, kids.

Pro: With the $40 or so I'm saving each week on cigarettes, I can finally afford to take up shooting smack.

Con: As anyone who has watched me play a video game or prepare food knows, I have a very mild case of Tourette's - Smoking helps me keep it in check.
By ceasing to smoke, I run the risk of going from a mere "spazz-wad" to "king-uber-spazz".

Pro: Now I'll get my full sense of smell back just in time for my daily commute on Chicago public transit. Lucky me.

Con: Managing to stop smoking before I turn 35 greatly increases my life expectancy, thus leaving me vulnerable to unscrupulous individuals willing to exploit my nonagenarian dementia for their own greedy ends.

Off of the Grid

I've spent the last week running around like a methed-out dervish. I spent a good chunk of it out in the land of no Internet, cell phone signals, or broadcast television (ie: Western Wisconsin). And since I've been back, I've just been running back and forth between the parents' place and D-Town. It's all very glamorous.

I'd like to say that L&E is gonna get back to normal within the next few days, but I'm heading out to Chicago tomorrow, so that would be a lie. I promise to try and get some more crap up here, but don't hold your collective breath.

Because I'm Awesome

I spent a good chunk of this afternoon swilling Old Style and shooting at frozen pumpkins with my AK-47.

Yup, I'm living the good life.

Moving Diary (excerpt)

Here's a taste of the awesome adventure that has been my life over the last month:

Thursday
... Packing for most of the day and night
6 AM - Go to sleep

Friday
10 AM - Wake up
11:30 - Keep packing
14:30 (2PM) - Lunch
15:00 - More packing
17:00 - Around the Horn & P.T.I on ESPN
18:00 - Go back to packing
19:30 - Run to liquor store - For more boxes (not booze)
20:15 - Return to packing
21:00 - Throw screaming hissy-fit over legal sized file folders not fitting into Grand Marinier boxes
21:20 - Try to coax dog out of bathtub and try to get girlfriend to stop crying due to aforementioned hissy-fit
21:35 - Throw second hissy fit, thus negating all earlier efforts to smooth-over earlier hissy-fit
21:45 - Pop a Valium and crack open a beer to prevent any further hissy-fits
21:50 - Keep on packing
22:45 - Wander around in a circle muttering "where's the tape?" for 15 minutes straight
23:00 - Realize that it's 11 PM, and decide to eat dinner

Saturday
Midnight - Start dismantling Computer and electronics
04:00 - Re-connect wireless internet and laptop
05:00 - Call it a night and have another 3 beers
06:00 - Shower
06:30 - Decide that I'm not gonna get any sleep - Start brewing coffee and pop 2 Ephidrine tabs
07:00 - Drinky Joe comes home and drunkenly stumbles toward bed - Prick
08:00 - While waiting for U-Haul place to open, decide to write a brief 'Moving Diary' to show what a spazz I am
...

Quote of the Day

"I have no great quarrel with being labeled a "fascist." While it is not the whole story, it implies (to me) a sort of Marquis De Sade worldview that sees life in terms of master and slave, strong and weak, predator and prey. I know such views are highly unfashionable, but to me they seem fairly consistent with what I've seen to be true. If others choose to see the world in terms of sugar, spice and everything nice, that's certainly their prerogative, and I would never dream of trying to tell them otherwise. However, I might suggest that they always keep a loaded pistol on the off chance that they could possibly be mistaken."

Boyd Rice

Back in DC (and about to leave again)

I'm back in the District for about 18 big hours before I head south to Williamsburg for some Thanksgiving action at The Girl's parents' place.
That's gonna be awkward.

The question I have is: Do I still have to pay full rent if I'm out-of-state more than 1/2 of the time?

I'll get a Chicago wrap-up posted sometime soon. Promise. Maybe.

Welcome To The Apocalypse Vol. 236

A Hartlepool man shouted "this is YouTube material" as he urinated upon a dying woman.
He tried to rouse her by throwing a bucket of water over her, before urinating on her and covering her with shaving foam.

Classy.

LINK

Craft Break

Lately I've been really into putting together Ready Mech paper art projects for The Girl. She loves 'em and I enjoy doing pointless mini-projects, so everybody wins.
I saw a link to the Ready Mech site on Boing Boing a couple of months back, and decided to give it a try. Now I'm hooked.
If you're looking to pimp-out your cubicle, and enjoy meaningless repetitive tasks, you can't lose. The site is totally free - All you need is some thick (card-stock) paper, a color printer, an x-acto knife, and some tape.
Get to cutting.

Ancient Chinese Secret

Below is a list of model names and product numbers for the 1 million + recalled Fisher-Price toys, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission:

33662 Elmo Light Up Musical Pal
33663 Ernie Light Up Musical Pal
33664 Big Bird Light Up Musical Pal
34658 Elmo Stacking Rings
39038 Elmo Tub Sub
39054 Sesame Street Shape Sorter
87946 Elmo Keyboard
90267 Ernie Splashin' Fun Trike
90609 Elmo Collectible
90611 Cookie Collectible
90612 Zoe Collectible
90613 Ernie Collectible
90614 Big Bird Collectible
90745 Construction Playset
93068 Elmo Boom Box
93107 Action Fire Engine
93307 Press N Go Elmo
93308 Rev & Go Cookie Monster
93492 Cookie Saxophone
93493 Elmo's Guitar
93615 Splash Tub Puzzle
93780 Music And Lights Phone
B7554 Count To Beat Elmo
B7888 Shake, Giggle & Roll
B7987 Elmo in the Giggle Box
B7989 Silly Parts Talking Elmo
B9620 Dora's Talking House
C6908 Dora, Backpack, Perrito Figure Pack
C6909 Diego Figure Pack
C6910 Swiper Figure Pack
C6911 Boots, Tico Figure Pack
G3825 Dora Talking Vamonos Van
G5112 Sing With Elmo's Greatest Hits
G9717 Giggle Doodler
H2943 Grow with Me Elmo Sprinkler
H3343 Cousin Daisy
H3344 Birthday Dora
H5569 Elmo & Pals (Elmo, Cookie, Ernie)
H5570 Elmo & Pals (Elmo, Zoe, Big Bird)
H4187 Dora Figures in Tube
H4628 Water Fun Tote
H8236 Dora 3 Pack Figures in Tube
H8237 Blue 3 Pack Figures in Tube
H8238 Sponge Bob 3 Pack Figures in Tube
H9124 Chef Dora
H9125 Bedtime Dora
H9186 Giggle Grabber Ernie
H9188 Giggle Grabber Oscar the Grouch
J0338 Diego Talking Field Journal
J0343 Go Diego Go Antarctic Rescue
J0344 Go Diego Go Deep Sea Rescue
J0345 Go Diego Go Mountain Rescue
J0346 Go Diego Go Talking Rescue 4 X 4
J5935 Giggle Grabber Soccer Elmo
J5936 Giggle Grabber Chef Cookie Monster
J6537 Sesame Street Giggle Toolbelt
J6762 Queen Mami
J6763 Royal Boots and Tico
J6765 Prince Diego
J7983 Sesame Street Tub Pots & Pans
J9518 Sesame Street Giggle Drill
J9692 Dora's Talking Pony Place
K0617 Twins Nursery
K3414 Diego - Talking Gadget Belt
K3571 Go Diego Go Mobile Rescue Unit
K3580 Fairytale Adventure Dora
K4139 Go Diego Go Dinosaur Rescue
K4140 Toucan Motorcycle Rescue
L0305 Dora Figure
L3194 Surprise Inside Diego Eggs
L3215 Sesame Street Elmo Jack-In-The-Box
L3488 Sesame Street Birthday Figure Pack
L3507 Sesame Street - Super Boom Box
L5202 Birthday Dora
L5813 Diego Tub Trike
L8905 Pablo & Pals
M0351 Dora Figures Dora & Kitty
M0352 Dora Figures Diego & Bear
M0524 Go Diego Go Talking Gadget
M0527 Sesame Street Giggle Doodler
M0732 Dora's Talking House
M2051 Let's Go Rescue Center
M2052 Fairytale Castle

Filthy.
"Elmo Tub Sub", "Action Fire Engine", "Count To Beat Elmo", "Elmo in the Giggle Box", "Silly Parts Talking Elmo", "Bedtime Dora", "Giggle Grabber Oscar the Grouch", "Surprise Inside Diego Eggs", "Go Diego Go Talking Gadget", and the mother-fucking "Sesame Street Giggle Drill"? The whole freakin' list reads like a Perverted Justice expose.
Forget about lead paint, the Red Chinamen (and that deviant, Elmo) are trying to poison our children's minds with thinly veiled Freudian innuendo.

Okay, maybe I'm pissed just because those cock-sucking celestials ripped off my street name: "The Giggle Doodler".
Asshores.

Ha Ha Ha

DeKalb is for lovers.
From CNNmoney.com

Quote of the Day

From Scalzi.com:
"The problem with using the Web as a model for what's really going on is that on the Web, Ron Paul is a presidential front runner and Serenity is the greatest science fiction movie ever made."