It's time for a brand new feature.
-Hold for applause (or applesauce)-
Everyday the world is trying to KILL YOU. Yes, you. Whether it be by Monkey Pox, terrorism, random shooting, illicit drugs, global computer failure, bad meat/poop spinach, climate change, secondhand smoke, nuclear holocaust, ancient Chinese food additives, a defective shower-head, cougar attack, or getting run down by an intoxicated celebrity, one thing is for sure - You're gonna die.
"Death ThreatTM" is here to let you know exactly how you're going to die this week. You're welcome.
Today's death-du-jour is tuberculosis (hereby referred to as "TB" because I'm only gonna type out tuberculosis
TB is a mycobacterial infection that attacks the lungs of infected persons. It is predominantly spread by southern attorneys and the impoverished, but can affect real people as well.
This week a lawyer from Hotlanta (Mr. Andrew Speaker - aka: Mr. Outbreak Monkey) was quarantined by the CDC, but not until after he went on a whirlwind world TB tour.
Mr. Speaker is a personal injury lawyer... WHAAA?!? A PERSONAL INJURY FUCKING LAWYER? You've got to be fucking kidding me. I can see the fucking commercials already -
Hello. My name is Andrew Speaker, attorney at law. If you have sat near me on an airline flight, or have had any prolonged contact with me or my person, you may be entitled to a large cash settlement. Don't let my irresponsible actions keep you from living a full and healthy life. Collect the money that you are entitled to. Call 1-800-TUBERCULOSIS, and leave off the "LOSIS" for your losses. Call now.
I had no idea that parasites were susceptible to bacterial infections. Who knew?
One thing is for sure: TB is the next unstoppable global pandemic that is sure to kill us all.
This has been "Death ThreatTM"; Be sure to stock up on plastic sheeting and duct-tape.