You Have 127 New Messages

Really?
I just opened up my "Liar" e-mail account and found that I have a metric-but-load of new messages - all from Facebook -, which is roughly triple the amount of messages I've ever gotten at that address in it's existence.
Apparently Ms. Dena thought it would be fun to forcibly pop my social-networking cherry, so now I'm stuck in e-spreader bars, with a train of "friends" clogging up my inbox and regions beyond.

So to clear things up, The DCLies Facebook account is not me, but rather Ms. Dena pretending to be me, which is fine, because she'll probably make a better me than I would. Furthermore, I may take up the account eventually, get bored with it, and then at an indeterminate point transfer it back to Dena. We also may both take custody of the account and use our pre-nascent iParenting skills to neglect the account until it is forcibly removed from us by the online equivalent of the DCFS.
Crystal clear, right?

Fuck it; here's a picture that explains it:

Lollapaloser

I'm going to be at Loallapalooza all this weekend, and was wondering if anyone else was going to be there?

I couldn't be less excited now that the Beastie Boys canceled (way to be a total dick, cancer - ruining my weekend), but I bought the fucking 3-day pass, so I'm stuck.

Anyone?

Shaved my head [again] - First time in over a decade.
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Sent by a Cricket mobile device
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TEST
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Sent by a Cricket mobile device
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Lost My Stupid Phone

No, I'm not ignoring you.

I tied one on last night an disappeared my phone. I found out where I left it, but won't have it back until sometime tomorrow or Saturday.

Please make a note of it.

BWAAAHAHAHA!

It should now be evident that the extended hiatus of this blog was due to the intense time constraints imposed in the perfection of my weather control device (pictured).

I have been shifting the temperature back and forth in 40 degree increments over the past 48 hours as a show of my newly acquired power over the forces of nature.
It is time for the Chicagoland region to capitulate to my following demand:
- Allow smoking in bars, you nanny-state bastards.

If you don't revoke the smoking ban, my rein of discomfort will continue unfettered and you all will be forced to suffer through the rest of your pitiful existences with sweaters tied around your waists in order to avoid my wrath of continual climatological chaos.

All bow down before me, your new overlord:
The Liar.

This is Only a Test

Is anyone still out there, or have I killed this bitch dead?

Ron Ashton - 1948-2009

One of the all-time great guitarists, Ron Asheton, was found dead today in his Ann Arbor home. He (along with Fred "Sonic Smith" of MC5 --also dead--) created the signature "punk guitar sound" back in the 1960's. There wasn't another living guitarist that had as significant of an impact on the modern music scene as Ashton.
I was lucky enough to catch him play a couple of shows out on the east coast - One with J. Mascis & Mike Watt, and one of the Stooges reunion shows. Both were amazing.
He'll be missed.

Technical Difficulties (X-Mas Edition)

Notice:
If anyone sent me a text between late Monday Night and about 2PM on Christmas Day, I never got it.
I've been up in West Hooterville, Wisconsin over the past few days, and the closest thing that they have to internet connectivity out there is the town copy of 'The Book of Norwegian Jokes: Uff-Da Edition'.
It didn't help matters that I own the worst fucking phone ever conceived by beast or man. If there is any justice in the world, the worthless twat who designed the LG EnV will die of complications from a perforated bowel.

GOD, DO I HATE THIS PHONE! --pounding phone into desk--

Anyway, once I got back toward civilization, a message appeared on my phone screen: "12 Missed Messages - Inbox Full - Unable to Retrieve - Messages Deleted".
Fucking worthless phone.
So, if you were one of the people who texted me, I'm not intentionally being a huge X-Mas A-Hole (well, no more so than usual) - I just never got your message.

So to all those who tried to text me some baby Jesus B-Day shit; I say Merry X-Mas and watch out for the Krampus.

Does This Mean That the Smoking Banis Null & Void?

I know at one time or another we've all considered withholding funding from a Children's Hospital for bribe money, but the Blagoff is the only person (outside of a Dickens novel) to have the huevos to actually do so.
Kudos to you, Rod. You are truly a scum-fuck amongst scum-fucks.

Now do the honorable thing, and take a dive in front of a Brown Line train before you embarrass yourself even further.

At Least it Wasn't Guliani

You'll never guess what I came across while I was cleaning out my internets.

The following list was from a stillborn L&E post that never made it back in JUNE of 2007.
That was when the Presidential Primary candidates from both parties were beginning to shake out, and I decided to rank them (from best to worst) as I evaluated their leadership potential.

I never finished it because I was still working in politics back at this point (and doing consulting for several candidates on this list), and didn't want to burn any bridges.
I just ranked every potential candidate on my assessment of their character, their level of experience, and my personal relationships with them and/or their offices. The list is shockingly (in retrospect) non-partisan.

Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) finished 20th out of 21.

The following is my presidential "power rankings" list from June 15th, 2007:

1. Mitt Romney (R)
2. Bill Richardson (D)
3. Ron Paul (R)
4. Mike Gravel (D)
5. Fred Thompson (R)
6. John McCain (R)
7. Hillary Clinton (D)

Top 1/3 = 4 Republican - 3 Democrat

8. Tommy Thompson (R)
9. Duncan Hunter (R)
10. Jim Gilmore (R)
11. Ralph Nader (I)*
12. John Edwards (D)
13. Dennis Kucinich (D)
14. Joe Biden (D)

Middle 1/3 = 3 Republican - 4 Democrat*

15. Sam Brownback (R)
16. Mike Huckabee (R)
17. Chris Dodd (D)
18. Tom Tancredo (R)
19. Michael Bloomberg (I)*
20. Barack Obama (D)
21. Rudy Guliani (R)

Bottom 1/3 = 5 Republican* - 2 Democrat
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*Including Nader as Democrat & Bloomberg as Republican in tallies.

Ain't that a kick in the nuts.

Before I Shut the Fuck Up

First I'd like to definitively answer the Old Dog's query, and categorically state that the reason that I've stopped blogging is that I haven't dug myself into any alcohol-induced holes as of late (ladies). Well, until now.

I'm sorry if I've riled some of you up with my blunt assessment of Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect). There's a superb conversation thread in the comment field of the post below (if you haven't checked it out yet).

I just want to reiterate that:
A) I'm just getting it out there now, so I can gloat later if I happen to be correct in my assessment.
B) I hope that I'm wrong-as-hell in my aforementioned assessment.
C) I wish nothing but the best for Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) and his minions.

All I know is that I've watched enough History Channel to know that when there's a charismatic cult-of-personality figure standing before countless masses that are chanting in unison and making obscure hand gestures, that the guy behind the podium is both lying out of his ass and up to no good.

Plus, It's never a good sign when our (already depleted) financial markets break through the floor in the days following an election.
I just can't picture the world's financial mavens saying: "Huzzah! Our guy won. This is the end of the tumultuous period that has plagued us mercilessly and stripped our houses bare. A new day is dawning, and we are now at the precipice of a great new era of bounty and prosperity".
--slight pause--
"SELL! SELL! SELL!"

Okay, I lapsed back into "sarcastic prick" mode there for a second, but I'm getting it all out now, because I promise to play nice and not say anything mean about Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) unless he starts to pull some shit like he did back in his state Senate days (on July 2nd, 1998 - to be precise) when he advocated banning the sale or transfer of ALL forms of semi-automatic weapons.
For those not in the know, almost every single gun manufactured in the world today falls under the "semi-automatic" classification. Shotguns are semi-auto, Pistols are semi-auto, revolvers are semi-auto, most rifles are semi-auto. If this ban were to pass, the only guns that wouldn't fall under this classification would be antiquated break-action single-shot guns, breech loaders, muzzle loaders, bolt-action guns, and fully automatic weapons (which are already way-illegal).

You wouldn't give a wet shit, you say?

Well here's a thought experiment:
Let's suppose the the Bush Administration somehow finagled legislation through Congress that mandated that the right of free-speech guaranteed to us by the first amendment didn't apply to any form of communication that was invented subsequent to 1885 (the year the semi-automatic process was patented).
I wouldn't put it past 'em.
That means the first amendment wouldn't apply to anything produced with and/or utilizing the following technologies: Linotype typesetting, any Recorded Media (subsequent to rotating cylinder), personal Telephone, Offset press, Screen-printing, Film, Photocopier, Television, Telex, Computer, Cellular technology, the Internet, or (essentially) anything that uses any form of electricity in it's use and/or production process.

Would that be okay with you?

Let me tell you; I'd be unholy pissed. That would be a great time to have a stockpile of modern firearms, because it's damn near impossible to overthrow a totalitarian government with rubber hippie daisies and clever slogans.

Apples and oranges, you say?

Those are the 1st and 2nd rights bestowed upon us by the founding fathers.

The second amendment is misinterpreted, you say?

Talk to the Supreme Court - Their number is: (202) 479-3011.
Good luck with that. If you could, like, change their mind, you totally would, like, be on television or something.

All I'm saying is that once you start fucking around with the Constitution, you set a precedent for every single nut-job to strip away any right that they don't deem necessary.

That's not a good thing.

Okay, got carried away there again for a second.
I'm back on the nice now. I promise not to say anything more on the subject, unless Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) does something that gets me going, or one of you unwashed heathens keeps me riled-up on this....

... although, I do have some personal thoughts and experiences I'd like to share with you on his appointed Chief of Staff....

...Wait for it.

Change Comes from Within

Eight years ago I told everyone that would listen that George W. Bush was a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his election would be the bane of the Republican party for decades.

Chalk one up for the Liar.

I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly state that Barrack Obama is a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his administration will be a huge embarrassment for the Democratic party.

It is my sincerest hope that sometime in my lifetime we can elect one single United States President based on merit rather than manufactured populist appeal.

I can dream, can't I?

It's Always the Old Dogs That Suffer

A couple of days ago I received this impassioned plea from the Old Dog via e-mail:

Hey, yours is one of the only 2 or 3 blogs that I bother to look at at all anymore, and you haven't posted since Sept. 27th?

I know that we've been a little out of touch lately, but WHO ARE YOU, and what have you done with Josh?

- Joe

I too am wondering why I'm sucking it at the whole blogging thing since I moved back to Illinois. Here are my thoughts: I really don't have much to say. Believe it or not, there is little to nothing going on right now.
Okay, that's a bullshit excuse. Having zilch to write about has never stopped me before, but I just haven't had the drive to sit down and hammer out anything (other than KfS NFL picks) lately.

I think the real problem is the stupid fucking smoking ban.
No not that one. The one in my apartment.

My old routine was to sit down in front of the computer with a bourbon on the rocks and a cigarette and bang out nonsense 'til my hearts content. When we moved into the new place, I let The Girl talk me into going "smoke free" so that everything in our house wouldn't reek of stale tobacco smoke. I can't drink bourbon without a smoke, and I can't write without the whiskey. That was my routine. Now it's been dismantled. That's probably why I never wrote anything while I was staying at the parents' place either. Without a smoke and a rye on the rocks, blogging just seems kinda pointless. I just don't have the motivation to sit down and write anything.
That's it, but at least our drapes smell nice.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to the patio to have a smoke before the thunderstorm I hear in the distance hits.

Household Hieroglyph

I noticed this pictogram on the side of a box of dryer-sheets, and for the life of me, I can't decipher it.
Here are my best guesses:
A) DO NOT PLACE SEAGULL IN TEAKETTLE
B) THIS IS NOT AN ENCHANTED WISHING LAMP - DO NOT RUB FOR GENIE
C) NOT FOR USE WITH EUROPEAN A/C PLUG-IN ANAL STIMULATORS

The Apartment

We're finally getting settled into the new place.
It's pretty fucking sweet.

Lies, Lazarus, Lies!

'Lies and Exaggerations' has been stuck under a 6-foot blanket of e-dirt for the last 2 months, but now is clawing back to the surface with bloodied vengeful fingertips for another deep breath of sickly-sweet internet air.
God help you all.

In the last 2 months I've been in 9 different states, traveled over 3,500 miles, rescued The Girl from the Potomac cesspool, moved 12 metric tons of worthless shit halfway across this country, and have relocated to the one (non-Muslim) city that has more bullshit "government knows best" laws/ordinances than DC - I'm talkin' about Chicago ("Help me, I'm being oppressed"), Illinois.

I've got a new fortified stronghold, some fortified wine, a bunch of stories, a few new things that are pissing me off, and all the time in the world.

We're back in business, folks.

Limited Time Offal

Since EVERYFUCKINGBODY crapped out on me for the Sludgeworth/Effigies show tonight (read: Friday night), I'm not sure you all will be interested in this following offering, but I'm gonna throw it out there anyhow.

I've got two (2) free tickets to the Alkaline Trio show this Thursday - They were just givin' 'em out at the Sludgeworth show. I'm not the biggest A3 fan, but I'm assuming that since they sell a bazillion records, that someone reading this might have some interest in seeing them play live for free.
(click on picture --to left-- for the fine-print)

Here's the deal: First person to ask gets the tickets, and they have to pick them up from me at my convenience.

Anyone?

BTW: All you dirty cocksuckers missed one of the greatest all-time sets tonight. Sludgeworth rocked it out. It was probably one of the 25 best shows that I've ever been to, and considering that I've been going to 3 or 4 shows a week since I was 15, that's saying something. You all should be ashamed - Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Flickr Rising

In a half-assed effort to try and get my eLife back on track, I just posted almost one full page of photos up on my Flickr page. Plus, now I got a blog post out of posting the photos online. Score one for me.
Hurry up and get 'em while they're artsy.

What I'm Listening To - Summer 2008The End of an Error

This is it kids; This is the final WILT. After three years and 11 previous WILTs, I'm deciding to kill-off the WILT and go back to doing random comps. I'll be making some of those mixes available up here on L&E, but the quarterly schedule and liner notes are gone.
Sorry, WILT; we had some really great times together, but now everything has changed and I think it's time that it would be best if I started making other mix-CDs. It was totally awesome while it lasted, and I'll always remember you when I'm flipping past the old WILT CDs in my Jeep looking for the newer hot-assed compilation.
Well then, look at the time, I really should be going. I'll see you around... Bye.Liner Notes:
1) The Travoltas - Pray for Sun
from the 2000 album Teenbeat
There's no better way to kick off summer than with a mouthful of Scandinavian bubblegum-pop. Here it is.

2) Dillinger Four - Maximum Piss & Vinegar
from the 2000 album Versus God
I'm all about D4 right now. I've been listening to their stuff on an unending loop. This here's a good one.

3) Grinderman - No Pussy Blues
from the 2007 Self-Titled album
Best. Song. Ever. This track is from last year's Nick Cave side-project - It is so good, it's scary. Plus, the video is pretty nifty - Check it out HERE.

4) The Network - Right Hand-A-Rama
from the 2003 album Money Money 2020
How could I not follow up "No Pussy Blues" with a song about masturbation? I really couldn't. Here's the boys from Green Day's dance-punk side-project - It gets extra summer points for a lifting a riff from Eddie Cochran's "Summertime Blues".

5) El-P - Up All Night
from the 2007 album I'll Sleep When You're Dead
Those kids sure do love the NYC hip-hop. Get your ass up off of that computer chair and out onto the dance floor.

6) Shiina Ringo - Torikoshi Gurou
from the 2004 album Karuki Zamen Kuri No Hana
I'd been saying for years that there was a surprising lack of Jew's harp in modern Japanese avant-garde jazz pop. Well, someone listened - Thank you Shiina Ringo.

7) The Raveonettes - You Want the Candy
from the 2008 album Lust Lust Lust
If songs could give you cavities, this one would be the Pixie-Stick wearing away your enamel and worming it's way down to the raw nerve.

8) The Jesus and Mary Chain - Between Planets
from the 1989 album Automatic
Here's a blast from the past that sounds just like all of the new hipster crap coming out right now. It was either this or Joy Division, but JAMC wins the award this cycle.

9) The Tim Version - Swinging Doors
from the 2003 album Prohibition Starts Tomorrow
I really dig these guys; they seem to be, musically, somewhere between Drag the River and Dillinger Four. Last comp got a D4esque song, this one gets a DtResque track.

10) Drag the River - Tobacco Fields
from the 2008 album You Can't Live This Way
Speaking of DtR, Here's a track from their last album.
Remember kids, your tobacco fields must be planted no closer than 15 feet from the entrance of any public building. Leave it to the fucking goody-goodies to ruin the last true American industry. Fucking twats.

11) Tiger Army - Where the Moss Slowly Grows
from the 2007 album Music From Regions Beyond
Moss can be grown within 15 feet of any public building... unless it happens to be exciting in any way - If so; that's a paddlin'.

12) Flatfoot 56 - This Town
from the 2006 album Knuckles Up
This song reminds me of a mix of Dropkick Murphys and Turbonegro, which is kinda funny when you consider that Faltfoot 56 is a South-Side Christian band. It takes all kinds, I guess.

13) Gogol Bordello - Ultimate
from the 2007 album Super Taranta!
I really need to find a place to see these guys where I'm allowed to smoke and drink frightening quantities of booze...
Dear Milwaukee-Fest,
Please consider Gogol Bordello for your festival this year. Please, please, please, please, please?
Love,
Liar

14) Fuckemos - Amputeen
from the 2001 album Airshow 2000
And they say that no one writes great love songs anymore? Piffle.

15) Bad Religion - Before You Die
from the 2007 album New Maps of Hell
Before I die, I really want to find a cure for suburban white kids that think that they're hard-core Englewood street thugs. Okay, one that doesn't involve .454 Casull hollow-points.

16) Turbonegro - Hot and Filthy
from the 2007 album Retox
You've gotta love those hot & filthy summer nights. If not, you're doing it wrong.

17) The KKK Took My Baby Away - Cool Millions
from the 2002 Ramones tribute The Song Ramones the Same
Yet another Dwarves side-project. Why the alias? I have no freaking idea -This is the only song that they've ever recorded under this moniker, and they've never bothered to clarify. It's awesome nonetheless.

18) Dr. Who on Holiday - Dean Gray
from the 2005 mash-up project American Edit
OMG; It's one of those super-scary mash-ups that are killing the music industry. Everybody panic!

19) The Queers - Punk Rock Girls
from the 1996 album Don't Back Down
See #16 and substitute 'punk rock girls' for 'summer nights' and 'them' for 'it'.

20) Teenage Bottlerocket - Wasting Time
from the 2008 album Warning Device
So far, "Warning Device" is by-far my favorite record of '08. Get yourselves some up in your ear-holes.

21) The Methadones - Getting Older/Losing Touch
from the 2007 album This Won't Hurt...
Quick question: Did you have to be 'in touch' before in order to 'lose touch'? Okay, I'm out.

22) Armchair Martian - Crestfallen
from the 2007 compilation Good Guys, Bad Band
Now that Drag the River is tits-up, I'm really hoping for a new Armchair Martin CD, ASAP. I've been saying that for the last 5 WILTs, and will continue to do so until the new record drops.

23) Bad Astronaut - Megan
from the 2003 Smoking Popes Tribute compilation
Here's a Bad Astronaut cover of a Smoking Popes tune. You probably already figured that out considering that I'm just rewriting information that was clearly stated above. Too bad, that's all I got.

24) Beasts of Bourbon - Evil Ruby
from the (out-of-print) 1984 album Axeman's Jazz
I've been listening to these guys again due to EdP's passing interest on the message boards. I'm a sucker like that. Wikipedophile says: "The Beasts of Bourbon's music has often been compared to that of a rougher Rolling Stones (whose 'Cocksucker Blues' they covered), The Gun Club (who they played with and who some Beasts filled in for) and The Birthday Party... Their music is a tough amalgam of country music, blues, rock and roll and punk parsed through the garage sound of The Stooges and the drunken mayhem of Australian pub rock. It often touches on themes of depravity, morbidity, despair, drug abuse and violence."
I'm not gonna argue.

25) Jason Webley - Train Tracks
from the 2002 album Counterpoint
This is my favorite track off of this WILT (with the possible exception of "No Pussy Blues"). I really want to grab a bunch of folks, sit out by a campfire drinking whiskey straight from the bottle, and listen to this track on repeat until the bottle's dry. Then we'll open another bottle and discuss the possibility of listening to another song. Sounds fucking great to me.

26) Ben Weasel - Summer's Always Gone too Soon
from the 2007 album These Ones are Bitter
Too true, Mr. Weasel, too true. And this comp is done now... and the WILT experiment... and these stupid fucking "liner notes"... all gone... bye-bye.

--END--

Here's the deal:
1) It's FREE
2) I'm only doing forty more of these (the first 10 went out at the bar last Saturday)
3) Shoot your mailing address to dclies(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll mail you out a copy