Friday, September 22, 2006

Childhoodwinked

Lately The Girl has been on a huge nostalgia kick. This means that I've spent a good chunk of my free time lately watching the movies that filled my youth and shaped a generation.
No wonder this generation is so fucked! Looking back at these beloved films I realized that my childhood escapism was catered to by a bunch of hippie-dippy pill-poppin' pedophile sickos.
Don't believe me? Here's my breakdown:

The Dark Crystal
Anytime you start a children's movie with The Girl asking "Is that Gelfling naked?" you know you're in for a treat.
Yeah, it took all of 5 minutes into this thing to see that the 'Mysitics' represented Native Americans, the 'Skekses' represented Corporate America, and that the 'Gelflings' were total fucking hippies. Sweet Christ. The only way to make this more obvious would be if they hung signs around the characters' necks identifying them as such. The Mystics smoke pipes, chant, and are one with nature; the Skekses opress the masses, engage in elaborate power struggles, and conduct animal testing; and the Gelflings run around naked communing with nature and talking to animals.
The movie ends with the hippies uniting the native and corporate Americans, wherein they turn into a bunch of tall white glowing mother-fuckers. The moral of the story: It only takes a couple of hippies to bring about the eternal reign of the Aryan race (I think).

Labyrinth
Plot synopsis: The heroin addict chick from Requiem for a Dream dumps an infant into the hands of a sexually ambiguous doped-up 70's glam rocker. Hi-jinks ensue.
Seriously, I think that Requiem for a Dream had less disturbing shit in it than this one. The whole movie seemed like a drawn-out acid trip. Oh, and what the fuck was up with Bowie as the 'Goblin King'? No grown man should be allowed to dress up like a Brazilian transvestite and sing amongst a sea of Muppets while holding an infant (this goes double for Michael Jackson). What kind of message does that send to the kids?
This movie had potential, and could have been up there with Requiem - if only there was a scene with lil' Jennifer Connelly and Sir Didymous being forced into doing an "end-to-end" for a bunch of horny Muppet businessmen. That would be classic.

The Secret of NIMH
Y'all do know that NIMH stands for the National Institute of Mental Health, right? This is a movie about the plight of mice and rats that escaped from a medical testing facility. I don't care how much Don Bluth schmaltz you dip this fucker in - it's still about a bunch of vermin.
The one thing that you never take into account as a child is to what end the testing was being done. As far as I'm concerned, Nicodemus was holding the key to curing bi-polar disorder in his little ratty brain... and we all cheered at his escape.
Build a better rat trap... you know the rest.

Watership Down
A lot like Secret of NIMH, but was made 4 years earlier by a bunch of gothed-out Brits.
The moral of this story is that everything dies (horribly).
Just switch out the Art Garfunkel soundtrack with Skinny Puppy and you'd have a bunny snuff film. This one is down-right traumatic (as is the follow-up Plague Dogs).
No wonder I peed the bed until I was 23.

The Neverending Story

I'm circulating a petition to get this officially renamed "The Neverending NAMBLA Fantasy".
The German behind Das Boot helms a film about an emo kid who befriends an older shop-keep who then exposes the child to a world of hidden wonders. Can you keep a secret?
Anyway, Bastian (What, were they too over-budget to afford the 'Sa' prefix?) holes himself up in the school attic and is sucked into the tale of a shirtless, leather-vest wearing, 'purple buffalo' hunting boy who befriends a big strong 'rockbiter', a midget 'snail racer', and a homeless guy on a bat. They team up and have special adventures together. Eeeewwwwwww! Someone call John Ashcroft.
So the shirtless kid gets covered in old turtle 'snot', fights the big bad wolf (gurr!), and saves the world while riding on the back of what only can be described as 'a furry 30 foot long talking white phallus'. Check please!
Back to the 'Emo' thing. Petersen must be an emo-visionary - Bastion is the textbook emo kid with the custom graphics backpack and all, but 15 years beforehand. Plus there is a really bad emo-core band named Atreyu, which is the name of the vest-kid in the movie. I'm not sure what the relevance is, but I just got a cold shiver.

After watching all these films again, I now understand why our generation is a bunch of self-involved, sniveling, pansies huddled in the dark recesses of modern society. It's a crying shame, and it won't be fixed by a couple of Xanaxes and a grande frappuccino.
Frankly, our peer-cohort-group is lost. The redemption of society lies with the children of today, therefore we should feed them on a endless diet of 80's splatter flicks and German 'brown-bag' porno films. That should do it. And (for the love of God) keep them the hell away from any emo kids.

7 comments:

Jeanz said...

I haven't seen a single one of these films. Can they still be blamed for my own fuckedupery?

DC Liar said...

Sure Jeanz; we'll blame 'social-osmosis'.
I just made that term up, but it sounds good.

bigsoda said...

I've seen all of 'em... 'nuff said.

Reel Fanatic said...

I just loved Watership Down, but the first time I saw it just scared the bejesus out of me!

e-nator said...

hey ass pickle! is NOTHING sacred with you?? you even find something in the "neverending story" to bitch about. you hurt my soul.

edP said...

I'm still suing the neverending story (and still running that joke into the ground apparently)

Michael K said...

Wasn't the shard in the crystal thing a lot like fertilizing an egg?

I remember the first time I saw Watership. I was home sick and my mom tuned in HBO. "Oh! A cartoon. This is a good show for you." A few minutes later the blood started flowing. I was afraid of bunnies for years.