Hey, Hippie, Your Ass is Filthy

The granola and Birkenstock brigade has a new target in its beady bloodshot little sights: 'Luxury' toilet paper.
LINK
Yeah, go right ahead there, Tigger (if that is your real name), and wipe your ass with that squirrel, but you're not getting my Cottonelle unless you pry it from my cold dead hands.

From the "Bad Ideas That Sound Good When You're Really Fucking High" File

HOUSTON -- Three teenagers are accused of digging up a corpse, removing the head and using the skull as a bong to smoke marijuana, Houston police said

Matthew Richard Gonzalez and Kevin Wade Jones, both 17, and their 16-year-old friend were arrested Wednesday and charged with abuse of a corpse.

Police said the trio told investigators they dug up a body from an Humble area cemetery in March, decapitated it and converted the head into a marijuana pipe....

LINK

All you need to know is that all involved were from Texas and home-schooled. Enough said.

Shitheads In the News

The Drinky Joe fake-poop-in-a-can incident I mentioned awhile back just made it into the mainstream media.
LINK
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Speaking of Shitheads, It looks like Imus just got shit-canned from MSNBC.
I'm still holding a grudge against that guy from last October (so no love loss here), but everyone might want to invest in an English to new-speak dictionary.
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The identity of the Duke lacrosse pole-shiner just was released. Her name is (wait - for - it) Crystal Gail Mangum.
What the fuck? I wouldn't deliver a fucking pizza to someone who gave me that name, let alone rely on them to serve as the sole witness in a high-publicity felony trial.
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Finally, Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees managed to burn down Johnny Cash's mansion. That twat is bound and determined to ruin everything even tangentially related to music, isn't he?
Unfortunately, Mr. Gibb was not in the house at the time of the disco inferno.

Eh, Oh Hell

An AOL account is like an axe-murder from some bad 80's slasher flick - It just won't stay dead.

I stopped using AOL back in 2000, but kept the service around for my parents to use. This last Fall AOL claimed that my card had been refused (again), despite the fact that it was working for everything else other than AOL. I decided to kill it and mail in a check for the difference I owed - $77.70. I convinced my parents to make the leap to broadband and forgot all about it- Everything's done, right? Wrong.

About a month later I get another request from AOL for the $77.70. I send 'em the cancelled check and a short note suggesting that they stick that cancelled check up their collective asses and quit bothering me - Now everything's done, right? Wrong.

Today I just got a bill from a collections agency, on behalf of AOL, for (you guessed it) $77.70.

I tried calling NCO Financial Systems (the collections agency) 7 times.
5 times I got voicemail, one time I got some barely audible Indian gent and then was disconnected almost immediately, and one time I got right through to a loud shrieking noise followed by a dial tone.

I tried the AOL billing number and got caught a first-hand tour of Dante's automated telephone assistance inferno. It kept turning me around to where I'd begun, all the while asking me to repeat myself and enter in another zip code, phone number, screen name, etc.
Then it suggested that I renew AOL account to better reach the billing department. F-U-C-K Y-O-U... Do you understand that Mr. disembodied telephone voice?
After about 35 minutes I realized that I was screaming obscenities at a recording, so I calmed down long enough to hear the recording say "goodbye" - That's when I fucking lost it. I might have broken my toe when I was kicking the filing cabinet and wildly throwing papers around. We'll have to wait and see on that one.

As a last ditch effort, I called my bank to see what my options were and (if need be) get another copy of the cancelled check.
I've had annoying problems with Wachovia (my bank) in the past, but today they were my saviors. I somehow managed to get through to the best customer service rep in the history of the profession. She is so my new automated telephone girlfriend.
The Wachovia rep listened to my whole story, said "That doesn't seem right", got through to AOL on her end, and then bore witness for me on the AOL billing line for 47 minutes.
We got some AOL retard that spoke in Ebonics and who's every response was either: "Don't disrespect me.", "Please, let me finish.", "That's not what our records say.", or "So, You want me to reactivate the account or not?".
AOL made both of us jump through endless hoops for almost 50 minutes to get this (apparently) simple billing issue resolved. The Wachovia rep had to repeatedly interrupt the the conversation to tell him that the bank had a cancelled check for the transaction that he was claiming that AOL had never received. While on hold, both me and the Wachovia lady were making fun of AOL's incompetence.
After giving ALL of my information for the fifth time and spending 15 straight minutes on hold, my patience was wearing thin. The final straw dropped after the third "Let me axe you something." I lost it and said "ASK, A-S-K, it's pronounced ASSSK... idiot." We then got put on hold for another 8 minutes.
Finally, the AOL guy came on and said that the records had been "updated" and that they would contact the credit agency. We said goodbye to AOL, and the Wachovia rep and I started in on a "Can you believe that shit?" conversation. While we were debating on whether the AOL rep was retarded or not, we heard a little voice say "I'm still here, I can't disconnect until you hang-up."
The Wachovia rep said "I'm sorry." and I said "I'm not", then I launched into a 'You-Dirty-Motherfuckers' rant that would make EdP blush. After I got all of that all out, I told the AOL guy to go fuck himself, said goodbye to the (giggling) Wachovia rep, and hung-up.

Hopefully now that beast is dead and buried, but I'm sure that this is not the end of it. I'm fulling expecting to get another bill from AOL and/or have to fight tooth and nail to get that blemish removed from my credit record.
I'll bet you $77.70.

You Ignint

WASHINGTON (AP) - About one-third of the people living in the nation's capital are functionally illiterate, compared with about one-fifth nationally, according to a report on the District of Columbia. LINK
And in further news - According to highly placed sources; Birds go "Tweet".

I is varry munch concerted bout dis.

Age of the Ignoramus

At first I thought it was a joke, but after reading other warnings such as: "Hot Cheese May Burn The Inside of Your Mouth" and " Plastic Pizza Guard is Not Edible", I'm thinking that they're serious.
Jesus hot-pants-wearing Christ, How fucking stupid have people gotten that we need this warning printed on the bottom of pizza boxes? I'd wager that if you're stupid enough to carry around your pizza upside-down, you wouldn't be able to read the damn warning anyhow.
Viva la de-evolution.
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Props go out to our own pizza box holdin' Italian stereotype, Mr. Joe, for his modeling services.

How Many Cops Does It Take To Blow-Up A Lightbulb?

Oh, Holy Shit! I'm laughing too hard to even type.
The huge Boston bomb scare today was, apparently, Bean-Town's Finest running around town blowing up promotional LED displays (pictured above) for the upcoming Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. LINK

How wicked-retarded do you have to be to mistake a bunch of little LED lights in the shape of a 'Mooninite' for an explosive device?
If little multicolored lights freak 'em out that much, I'm amazed that they got through the holiday season without repeatedly shitting themselves.
In all fairness, maybe their daddies beat them with Lite-Brites when they were little.

I feel safer already.