New Favorite Thing Ever

I'm ALL about the game 'Plants -vs- Zombies' right now. I picked up the disc a couple of weeks ago and now have it installed on every computer I might ever use in the next decade or so (desktop, laptop, old PC at parents' house, The Girl's fruitputer, etc).
You should totally buy it too, so you can be cool like me:
Disc
-or-
Download

Still not convinced? Here's the trailer:

Hey, Hippie, Your Ass is Filthy

The granola and Birkenstock brigade has a new target in its beady bloodshot little sights: 'Luxury' toilet paper.
LINK
Yeah, go right ahead there, Tigger (if that is your real name), and wipe your ass with that squirrel, but you're not getting my Cottonelle unless you pry it from my cold dead hands.

You Have 127 New Messages

Really?
I just opened up my "Liar" e-mail account and found that I have a metric-but-load of new messages - all from Facebook -, which is roughly triple the amount of messages I've ever gotten at that address in it's existence.
Apparently Ms. Dena thought it would be fun to forcibly pop my social-networking cherry, so now I'm stuck in e-spreader bars, with a train of "friends" clogging up my inbox and regions beyond.

So to clear things up, The DCLies Facebook account is not me, but rather Ms. Dena pretending to be me, which is fine, because she'll probably make a better me than I would. Furthermore, I may take up the account eventually, get bored with it, and then at an indeterminate point transfer it back to Dena. We also may both take custody of the account and use our pre-nascent iParenting skills to neglect the account until it is forcibly removed from us by the online equivalent of the DCFS.
Crystal clear, right?

Fuck it; here's a picture that explains it:

Lollapaloser

I'm going to be at Loallapalooza all this weekend, and was wondering if anyone else was going to be there?

I couldn't be less excited now that the Beastie Boys canceled (way to be a total dick, cancer - ruining my weekend), but I bought the fucking 3-day pass, so I'm stuck.

Anyone?

Shaved my head [again] - First time in over a decade.
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Sent by a Cricket mobile device
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TEST
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Sent by a Cricket mobile device
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Lost My Stupid Phone

No, I'm not ignoring you.

I tied one on last night an disappeared my phone. I found out where I left it, but won't have it back until sometime tomorrow or Saturday.

Please make a note of it.

BWAAAHAHAHA!

It should now be evident that the extended hiatus of this blog was due to the intense time constraints imposed in the perfection of my weather control device (pictured).

I have been shifting the temperature back and forth in 40 degree increments over the past 48 hours as a show of my newly acquired power over the forces of nature.
It is time for the Chicagoland region to capitulate to my following demand:
- Allow smoking in bars, you nanny-state bastards.

If you don't revoke the smoking ban, my rein of discomfort will continue unfettered and you all will be forced to suffer through the rest of your pitiful existences with sweaters tied around your waists in order to avoid my wrath of continual climatological chaos.

All bow down before me, your new overlord:
The Liar.

This is Only a Test

Is anyone still out there, or have I killed this bitch dead?

Ron Ashton - 1948-2009

One of the all-time great guitarists, Ron Asheton, was found dead today in his Ann Arbor home. He (along with Fred "Sonic Smith" of MC5 --also dead--) created the signature "punk guitar sound" back in the 1960's. There wasn't another living guitarist that had as significant of an impact on the modern music scene as Ashton.
I was lucky enough to catch him play a couple of shows out on the east coast - One with J. Mascis & Mike Watt, and one of the Stooges reunion shows. Both were amazing.
He'll be missed.

Technical Difficulties (X-Mas Edition)

Notice:
If anyone sent me a text between late Monday Night and about 2PM on Christmas Day, I never got it.
I've been up in West Hooterville, Wisconsin over the past few days, and the closest thing that they have to internet connectivity out there is the town copy of 'The Book of Norwegian Jokes: Uff-Da Edition'.
It didn't help matters that I own the worst fucking phone ever conceived by beast or man. If there is any justice in the world, the worthless twat who designed the LG EnV will die of complications from a perforated bowel.

GOD, DO I HATE THIS PHONE! --pounding phone into desk--

Anyway, once I got back toward civilization, a message appeared on my phone screen: "12 Missed Messages - Inbox Full - Unable to Retrieve - Messages Deleted".
Fucking worthless phone.
So, if you were one of the people who texted me, I'm not intentionally being a huge X-Mas A-Hole (well, no more so than usual) - I just never got your message.

So to all those who tried to text me some baby Jesus B-Day shit; I say Merry X-Mas and watch out for the Krampus.

Does This Mean That the Smoking Banis Null & Void?

I know at one time or another we've all considered withholding funding from a Children's Hospital for bribe money, but the Blagoff is the only person (outside of a Dickens novel) to have the huevos to actually do so.
Kudos to you, Rod. You are truly a scum-fuck amongst scum-fucks.

Now do the honorable thing, and take a dive in front of a Brown Line train before you embarrass yourself even further.

At Least it Wasn't Guliani

You'll never guess what I came across while I was cleaning out my internets.

The following list was from a stillborn L&E post that never made it back in JUNE of 2007.
That was when the Presidential Primary candidates from both parties were beginning to shake out, and I decided to rank them (from best to worst) as I evaluated their leadership potential.

I never finished it because I was still working in politics back at this point (and doing consulting for several candidates on this list), and didn't want to burn any bridges.
I just ranked every potential candidate on my assessment of their character, their level of experience, and my personal relationships with them and/or their offices. The list is shockingly (in retrospect) non-partisan.

Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) finished 20th out of 21.

The following is my presidential "power rankings" list from June 15th, 2007:

1. Mitt Romney (R)
2. Bill Richardson (D)
3. Ron Paul (R)
4. Mike Gravel (D)
5. Fred Thompson (R)
6. John McCain (R)
7. Hillary Clinton (D)

Top 1/3 = 4 Republican - 3 Democrat

8. Tommy Thompson (R)
9. Duncan Hunter (R)
10. Jim Gilmore (R)
11. Ralph Nader (I)*
12. John Edwards (D)
13. Dennis Kucinich (D)
14. Joe Biden (D)

Middle 1/3 = 3 Republican - 4 Democrat*

15. Sam Brownback (R)
16. Mike Huckabee (R)
17. Chris Dodd (D)
18. Tom Tancredo (R)
19. Michael Bloomberg (I)*
20. Barack Obama (D)
21. Rudy Guliani (R)

Bottom 1/3 = 5 Republican* - 2 Democrat
---
*Including Nader as Democrat & Bloomberg as Republican in tallies.

Ain't that a kick in the nuts.

Before I Shut the Fuck Up

First I'd like to definitively answer the Old Dog's query, and categorically state that the reason that I've stopped blogging is that I haven't dug myself into any alcohol-induced holes as of late (ladies). Well, until now.

I'm sorry if I've riled some of you up with my blunt assessment of Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect). There's a superb conversation thread in the comment field of the post below (if you haven't checked it out yet).

I just want to reiterate that:
A) I'm just getting it out there now, so I can gloat later if I happen to be correct in my assessment.
B) I hope that I'm wrong-as-hell in my aforementioned assessment.
C) I wish nothing but the best for Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) and his minions.

All I know is that I've watched enough History Channel to know that when there's a charismatic cult-of-personality figure standing before countless masses that are chanting in unison and making obscure hand gestures, that the guy behind the podium is both lying out of his ass and up to no good.

Plus, It's never a good sign when our (already depleted) financial markets break through the floor in the days following an election.
I just can't picture the world's financial mavens saying: "Huzzah! Our guy won. This is the end of the tumultuous period that has plagued us mercilessly and stripped our houses bare. A new day is dawning, and we are now at the precipice of a great new era of bounty and prosperity".
--slight pause--
"SELL! SELL! SELL!"

Okay, I lapsed back into "sarcastic prick" mode there for a second, but I'm getting it all out now, because I promise to play nice and not say anything mean about Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) unless he starts to pull some shit like he did back in his state Senate days (on July 2nd, 1998 - to be precise) when he advocated banning the sale or transfer of ALL forms of semi-automatic weapons.
For those not in the know, almost every single gun manufactured in the world today falls under the "semi-automatic" classification. Shotguns are semi-auto, Pistols are semi-auto, revolvers are semi-auto, most rifles are semi-auto. If this ban were to pass, the only guns that wouldn't fall under this classification would be antiquated break-action single-shot guns, breech loaders, muzzle loaders, bolt-action guns, and fully automatic weapons (which are already way-illegal).

You wouldn't give a wet shit, you say?

Well here's a thought experiment:
Let's suppose the the Bush Administration somehow finagled legislation through Congress that mandated that the right of free-speech guaranteed to us by the first amendment didn't apply to any form of communication that was invented subsequent to 1885 (the year the semi-automatic process was patented).
I wouldn't put it past 'em.
That means the first amendment wouldn't apply to anything produced with and/or utilizing the following technologies: Linotype typesetting, any Recorded Media (subsequent to rotating cylinder), personal Telephone, Offset press, Screen-printing, Film, Photocopier, Television, Telex, Computer, Cellular technology, the Internet, or (essentially) anything that uses any form of electricity in it's use and/or production process.

Would that be okay with you?

Let me tell you; I'd be unholy pissed. That would be a great time to have a stockpile of modern firearms, because it's damn near impossible to overthrow a totalitarian government with rubber hippie daisies and clever slogans.

Apples and oranges, you say?

Those are the 1st and 2nd rights bestowed upon us by the founding fathers.

The second amendment is misinterpreted, you say?

Talk to the Supreme Court - Their number is: (202) 479-3011.
Good luck with that. If you could, like, change their mind, you totally would, like, be on television or something.

All I'm saying is that once you start fucking around with the Constitution, you set a precedent for every single nut-job to strip away any right that they don't deem necessary.

That's not a good thing.

Okay, got carried away there again for a second.
I'm back on the nice now. I promise not to say anything more on the subject, unless Our Dear and Benevolent Leader (elect) does something that gets me going, or one of you unwashed heathens keeps me riled-up on this....

... although, I do have some personal thoughts and experiences I'd like to share with you on his appointed Chief of Staff....

...Wait for it.

Change Comes from Within

Eight years ago I told everyone that would listen that George W. Bush was a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his election would be the bane of the Republican party for decades.

Chalk one up for the Liar.

I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly state that Barrack Obama is a no-good son-of-a-bitch pseudo-politician, and that his administration will be a huge embarrassment for the Democratic party.

It is my sincerest hope that sometime in my lifetime we can elect one single United States President based on merit rather than manufactured populist appeal.

I can dream, can't I?

It's Always the Old Dogs That Suffer

A couple of days ago I received this impassioned plea from the Old Dog via e-mail:

Hey, yours is one of the only 2 or 3 blogs that I bother to look at at all anymore, and you haven't posted since Sept. 27th?

I know that we've been a little out of touch lately, but WHO ARE YOU, and what have you done with Josh?

- Joe

I too am wondering why I'm sucking it at the whole blogging thing since I moved back to Illinois. Here are my thoughts: I really don't have much to say. Believe it or not, there is little to nothing going on right now.
Okay, that's a bullshit excuse. Having zilch to write about has never stopped me before, but I just haven't had the drive to sit down and hammer out anything (other than KfS NFL picks) lately.

I think the real problem is the stupid fucking smoking ban.
No not that one. The one in my apartment.

My old routine was to sit down in front of the computer with a bourbon on the rocks and a cigarette and bang out nonsense 'til my hearts content. When we moved into the new place, I let The Girl talk me into going "smoke free" so that everything in our house wouldn't reek of stale tobacco smoke. I can't drink bourbon without a smoke, and I can't write without the whiskey. That was my routine. Now it's been dismantled. That's probably why I never wrote anything while I was staying at the parents' place either. Without a smoke and a rye on the rocks, blogging just seems kinda pointless. I just don't have the motivation to sit down and write anything.
That's it, but at least our drapes smell nice.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to the patio to have a smoke before the thunderstorm I hear in the distance hits.

Household Hieroglyph

I noticed this pictogram on the side of a box of dryer-sheets, and for the life of me, I can't decipher it.
Here are my best guesses:
A) DO NOT PLACE SEAGULL IN TEAKETTLE
B) THIS IS NOT AN ENCHANTED WISHING LAMP - DO NOT RUB FOR GENIE
C) NOT FOR USE WITH EUROPEAN A/C PLUG-IN ANAL STIMULATORS

The Apartment

We're finally getting settled into the new place.
It's pretty fucking sweet.

Lies, Lazarus, Lies!

'Lies and Exaggerations' has been stuck under a 6-foot blanket of e-dirt for the last 2 months, but now is clawing back to the surface with bloodied vengeful fingertips for another deep breath of sickly-sweet internet air.
God help you all.

In the last 2 months I've been in 9 different states, traveled over 3,500 miles, rescued The Girl from the Potomac cesspool, moved 12 metric tons of worthless shit halfway across this country, and have relocated to the one (non-Muslim) city that has more bullshit "government knows best" laws/ordinances than DC - I'm talkin' about Chicago ("Help me, I'm being oppressed"), Illinois.

I've got a new fortified stronghold, some fortified wine, a bunch of stories, a few new things that are pissing me off, and all the time in the world.

We're back in business, folks.

Limited Time Offal

Since EVERYFUCKINGBODY crapped out on me for the Sludgeworth/Effigies show tonight (read: Friday night), I'm not sure you all will be interested in this following offering, but I'm gonna throw it out there anyhow.

I've got two (2) free tickets to the Alkaline Trio show this Thursday - They were just givin' 'em out at the Sludgeworth show. I'm not the biggest A3 fan, but I'm assuming that since they sell a bazillion records, that someone reading this might have some interest in seeing them play live for free.
(click on picture --to left-- for the fine-print)

Here's the deal: First person to ask gets the tickets, and they have to pick them up from me at my convenience.

Anyone?

BTW: All you dirty cocksuckers missed one of the greatest all-time sets tonight. Sludgeworth rocked it out. It was probably one of the 25 best shows that I've ever been to, and considering that I've been going to 3 or 4 shows a week since I was 15, that's saying something. You all should be ashamed - Tsk, tsk, tsk.