Friday, February 09, 2007

Stupor Bowl

Why am I doing this? Well, with the adrenaline, the booze, bathroom dashes, and the constant texting I really didn’t get a chance to watch the game the first time through. I wanted to watch it again, so I figured that I could pull out my laptop and get a cheap post outta it (and have the incentive to watch it all the way through).
Here’s the break-down, commercials and all. All of the times listed are off of my Tivo Counter, which I set to record 10 minutes before kickoff. Oh, and I'm not pausing it to constantly look up the correct spellings of everyone's names, so just ignore all that noise.
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0:01 – Thank God the Tivo missed the Cirque de Soleil routine. It was painfully bad. It had to be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen two guys fucking each other.

0:02 – Billy Joel is singing the national anthem. Having Joy’s deaf lawyer (from My Name is Earl) to the side of the stage throwing gang signs out for any of the Cincinnati Bengals in attendance is a nice touch.
Tank has both his hands on his chest – hope he didn’t get shot by the color guard.
The Blue Angels fly over the stadium and strafe the Colts sideline (in my head).

0:07 – Coin toss. Didn’t the Colts even hear about the pregame show gaffe? Marino blurted out that the coin kept coming up heads every time he tossed it. Indy chose tails. Bears will receive.

0:12 – Kickoff. Holy Shit! 92 yards – TOUCHDOWN BEARS! I know that I’m watching this on replay, but I really think that the Bears are gonna win it this time through.

0:16 – Manning seems flustered. He has all of the time in the world to get the pass off, but can’t seem to get anything together. 2 false-starts. INTERCEPTION by Harris. This is gonna be a blow-out.

0:22 – The Bears’ O-line looks like shit – Punt.

0:25 – Wow, that Sales Genie commercial was 4AM basic-cable bad. Chapter 8, here they come. After their company has dissolved they should totally hang with the Pets.com guys.

0:27 – WTF? Bears are still taking it easy on Peyton, and he’s starting to get into a groove. Manning puts together a scoring drive. Tank misses a tackle and the secondary leaves Wayne wide-open to walk in for the touchdown.

0:32 – The Colts ‘Romo’ the point after. Woo-Hoo! Bears still (barely) hold onto the lead.

0:35 – Bears fumble on the return. Dammit.
Next play the Colts fumble it right back. Yeees!

0:37 – Jones gets a big run – takes the ball down to the 4 yard line.

0:39 – Grossman takes the mountain (by which I mean ball) to Muhammad. Bears by 8.

0:40 – Okay, commercials are commercials. Why the fuck am I even watching these things?
The Snickers ‘Man-Kiss’ ad comes on and I get a cheap laugh.

0:45 – The Late Show promo with Letterman and Oprah is pretty damned good, but still not as good as Cabin Boy.

0:49 – Benson fumbles, and we give it to the Colts at our 43.

0:53 – Colts can’t get anything together, and we get it back at our 4. So much for field-position.

0:54 – Benson is down… and out - with 3 yards and one fumble, so much for the running game.

1:00 – Clock runs out. BEARS WIN!!! Holy Shit, what a game. The Chicago Bears are Super Bowl champs once again! What? Oh yeah, we still have to play 3 more quarters. Damn.

1:03 – Pressure is weak, and Manning is getting back into a rhythm. Our run defense looks like shit too. Colts drive down into the red zone, but stall out.

1:08 – A Vinateri kick narrows the lead to 5.

1:09 – The Garmin ‘Ultraman’ commercial is pretty sweet. Who doesn’t love a guy in a monster suit?

1:11 - Why the fuck are we having Davis return the deep kicks? Crappy field position once again. Hester lines up at the 30. Newsflash: They aren’t gonna squib it if Hester isn’t deep.

1:13 – Bears fizzle. Colts get the ball near mid-field.

1:16 – The Colts bring out a lawn chair onto the field so Manning can kick back between the snap and the throw. WHY AREN’T WE BLITZING? Fuck.

1:19 – Colts score. For the first time in the game Indy leads (by 2).

1:23 – The despondent GM assembly robot commercial comes on. That spot would be 1000 times better if he went on a bender followed by a shooting spree. That’s why I’m not in advertising.

1:26 – Grossman keeps passing for short-yardage plays. 3 & out, and we blow the good field position.

1:31 – Wow, that movie ‘Wild Hogs’ looks fucking horrendous. What the hell happened to William H. Macy? They must have pictures of him doing something filthy to get him into this turd.
Here’s my idea for a movie: A naked ghost with Down’s syndrome haunts a girl’s school. Think ‘The Ring’ meets ‘The Ringer’. That’s why I’m not in the motion picture industry.


1:35 – Bears force a turnover at the 45. Things are looking up!

1:35 – On the very next play Grossman drops the snap. Colts get it right back.

1:39 – Why aren’t we taking a fucking time-out? There’s 30 seconds left in the half, and the Colts are getting ready for a field goal. Is Hester renegotiating his contract on the sidelines? Why the fuck wouldn’t you take a shot at a return? They must be saving that time-out for something special. Colts take their time-out with 2 seconds on the clock.

1:40 – After the commercials Bears take a time-out. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? WE TAKE OUR TIME OUT NOW? OH YEAH, THAT’LL ICE VINATERI ON A 36 YARD ATTEMPT. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! UP YOURS, LOVIE.

1:41 – Vinateri misses!?! I hereby rescind my earlier statement. We go into halftime at 14 to 16.

1:51 – Prince? Okay, now I’m convinced that the producer was asked to put together the entertainment for the Bears Super Bowl, and thought that it was a hypothetical brainstorming for the 1985 Bears/Pats Super Bowl. Once he figured out his error, he was too embarrassed to go back and re-do it. How else do you explain Billy Joel and Prince? This woulda been the hottest thing around 21 years ago. Now it’s just kinda sad.
The neon marching band and stunt kites shaped like birds bolster my hypothesis.
Prince pulls a shadow weenie trick with his guitar, and the FCC’s phone lines light up like Chernobyl.

2:12 – Check the Chicago defense for track-marks. They’re playing like they spent the entire half-time break shooting smack.

2:14 – Manning is actually shooting a Campbell’s soup ad on the field between the snap and the pass. The director asks for a second take – He has plenty of time to oblige.

2:18 – Urlacher is pissed that the Defensive coordinator is still holding back the D. The D gets aggressive and causes a false start. The Colts are forced to squeak out a field-goal. Colts by 5.

2:27 – Gilmore can’t get a hold of the ball and is stopped for very little gain on the return.

2:30 – It’s been 56 minutes since the Bears last had the ball (for all of 15 seconds before Grossman fumbled it back). They should be well-rested, and ready to kick some ass.
Grossman completes 2 passes, and then (with 1 yard to go for the first) is sacked for a loss of 11 yards. He follows up that play by dropping the ball and losing another 12 yards. We end up snapping to the kicker from behind the spot where we received the kickoff. Of Grossman’s last 5 touches, he’s fucked up 3.

2:35 – Bears go back to flag-football defense, and the Colts run way down the field. A facemask penalty puts Indy at the 10. Indy gets a field-goal, and we get a free (cheap) hit on Vinatieri. Colts by 8.

2:41 – The Emerald Nuts ‘Robert Goulet’ ad is pretty good. It’s not great, but it’s still the best thing I’ve seen since the half.

2:43 – Bears get the ball near the Indy 40. Awesome field position. Next play, Jones runs it down to the 30. Woo-hoo, we’re bound to score.

2:48 – After a series of regrettable Grossman throws (luckily, no interceptions), Gould bangs one through for 3. Bears (!) pull back within 5.

2:51 – Bears bring back the hard D and force Manning to make a series of desperation plays (some good, some not). With 3rd and 2, Tillman blows his coverage (again) to allow the 1st.

3:00 – With 3rd and 8, the Bears don’t get set and have to burn a (stupid) time-out. Bears keep bringing the blitz and Manning is struggling. Where was this during the rest of the game? We take down Peyton, and gimp-up Harrison. BEARS!

3:04 – A hold brings back a 10 yard run. 1st and 10 at the Bears’ 10.

3:05 – Grossman to Muhammad get it all back - First down. We love you Rex.

3:06 – Next play they decide to stick with the passing game and Grossie throws another horrible pass that’s intercepted and run back for a touchdown. Plus, we have to burn a challenge/timeout reviewing the play. Fuck you Rex, you cocksucking son of a whore!

Okay, now I’m taking a break from being pissed at poor ‘lil Grossman to be pissed at CBS. ALL FUCKING GAME LONG THERE HAS BEEN WATER ALL OVER THE FUCKING LENS! WHAT, HASN’T THE TIFFANY NETWORK HEARD OF THAT NEW HIGH-TECH INVENTION CALLED THE ‘TOWEL’? MAYBE IF YOU TOOK A BREAK FROM CRAPPING OUT THE MOST MINDLESS DRECK IN THE HISTORY OF BROADCAST MEDIA, YOU’D HAVE SOME TIME TO PICK UP A ROLL OF BOUNTY FROM THE 7-11 DOWN THE STREET. I fucking HATE watching games on CBS. The picture is always crappy, and technical glitches are the norm. Why the NFL lets them keep broadcasting regular season games is beyond me, let alone the Super Bowl. FUCK YOU, CBS, YOU DIRTY CUNTS. I spit in your ‘eye’.
Wow, that feels better. Back to the game:

3:13 – We’re only 12 points down. That’s a touchdown, a field-goal and a safety to tie. We can do it. Bears get another drive going, until on the 4th play of the drive Grossman throws another… TOUCHDOWN!!!
No, I’m just fuckin’ with you; the correct answer was (of course) ‘interception’. Touchdown, HA! That’s some funny shit right there. Did you see that throw it was like 10 yards short. Grossman has been picked-off 2 times in his last 4 throws.
Indy runs it back to the Chicago 40. Grossman wanders off to the sideline and begins to price bullet-proof vests.

3:20 – E-Trade’s ‘Things You Can Do with One Finger” commercial turns my thoughts away from homicide for 30 whole seconds.

3:21 – We get our first sack on Manning, and knock the Colts out of field-goal range. Once again, why weren’t we playing this D against Indy from the get-go? It fucking works (unlike our passing game).

3:27 – Grossman keeps on throwing the short-yardage passes. What the fuck? Surprisingly, we have 4th and 9 at our own 46. Grossman hangs out Clark for a whompin’ - Incomplete pass. Bears turn over on downs.

3:33 – The Colts keep running it, picking up first downs, and running down the clock. We’re totally boned by the time that 2 minute warning hits.

3:40 – The Colts keep running down the clock and the Bears get the ball back on their own 16 with 1:42 left on the game clock. The Bears help the Colts by completing a few short pass plays up the middle to keep the clock running.

3:43 – Colts win. Final score: 29 to 17, Indianapolis.

I didn’t stick around for the post-game the first time through (I hit the bottle, and turned it over to the Puppy Bowl), so every thing after this point is new to me.

3:47 – Up pops a cheese commercial featuring singing cows. I can’t help but think that 2 years down the road that Grossman will be doing voice cameos in a similar set of ads as a choking goat.

3:50 – In the post-game show all the analysts fall over each other to see who can suck Manning’s dick the hardest.

3:56 – They present the Lombardi trophy to the Colts and all I can think is how EMPTY the stadium is.
Irsay spews out some horseshit about how much the Colts love tornado victims, and promises “partnership with that tragedy”. Wow, I would think that he’d want to steer away from associating with the tornado. That takes balls. Dungy talks about God, Hester, Storms, and then side-steps the obligatory ‘first black coach to win the Super Bowl’ question. Manning takes this opportunity to come out of the closet and thanks his life-partner ‘Jeffy’. He goes on a long spiel about being the first gay Super Bowl MVP. Him, Saturday, and the entire Cirque de Soleil pre-game show share a group embrace and drive off of the field in his new MVP Cadillac.

4:05 – Lovie talks at length at how it feels to be the first black coach to lose a Super Bowl. He then steals a page from the Cubs’ playbook and starts talking about next year. By this time, anyone who’s still watching is wondering why it’s taking so long to get Criminal Minds started.

4:11 – Criminal Minds begins and the Geritol-crowd goes wild.
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Great, now I’m pissed all over again. The thing that kills me is than even MY retarded ass knew what the keys to winning this game were. Take a look at the breakdown that I did on Ajusted and tell me that I was wrong. It’s like the Chicago Bears coaching staff didn’t even bother to read the comment field of Ed’s Blog. Fucking slackers.

4 comments:

The Old Dog said...

It hurts too much to relive this.

edP said...

Your towel-as-a-piece-of-as-yet- undiscovered-techology-by-the-nerds of CBS remarks make all my superbowl memories less painful.

Aws far as I know only Dave Toub read your remarks on my blog. That's why the man is a genius.

edP said...

By the way I heard the Puppy Bowl was totally rigged again.

Fucking corrupt-assed puppies.

Is there any honor among puppies?

Chris B. said...

GPS/map monster - best commercial. Robert Goulet - second best.