Thursday, February 23, 2006

Drinky Joe Proves That There's Nothing He Can't Fail At

Joe is incapable of doing anything.
The basics of recycling? Nope. Cleaning? No way. Yard-work? Are you high?
His ONE job around the house is to open the door around 3PM to let the dog out, and then make sure the dog comes back inside for a treat. Well, today he somehow managed to fuck THAT up.
I get a call from Drinky at about 4:45 saying that the dog won't listen to him, and is in the neighbors' yard - He wants me to come home to let the dog in the fucking house so that he can leave for his exciting career of "busboy". After much mumbling under my breath I jet from work over an hour early (with work unfinished) to come home and do the simplest fucking task for this idjit.

As I walk in the door at home (30 minutes later) I get a call from Drinky:
Drinky: "I can't find Milo."
Me: "What the fuck, how can you lose him when he's in the fucking yard with you?
Drinky: "I went inside."
Me: "I'm home, I got this. Leave for work now, before I shoot you."

I hop in the Jeep and start scouring the neighborhood for the fucking dog when I get a call from the local library saying that they have Milo. The library is located on the other side of a busy 4 lane highway.
I'm going to kill that useless Guinea-Dago bastard.
So the dog is fine. He got plenty of attention from the librarians, and maybe even a little bit of studying done while he was there. Me, I'm livid.

If anyone knows of a retarded child in my neighborhood that could take over Drinky's responsibilities, I'd be much obliged. And if anyone's in the market for the world's laziest Wop, give me a ring - I have one that is priced to move.


The Old Dog said...

Hey! Why you bad-a-mouthing the boy? Have him a-make-a you a spagehtti dinner once-a in a while if-a you no-a happy!

(This comment is not meant to offend any person of Italian descent. Please don't tell my wife or her thirty uncles that I wrote this.)

edP said...

I'm not sure this is the right picture of Drinky Joe here. He looks a bit too physically fit. Did he shove the cash in his pants all by himself? And he's winking. That takes more talent than Drinky Joe can normally muster. There's a lot of good ideas in this blog but we may have some more suggestions for you. If you could find a new picture and change some of the text by tomorrow that'd be great.

Michael K said...

Josh, I know that housing is kind of pricey in DC but I think it is time you considered ditching the roomie. Trust me, I was a shitty roommate and I know that I made my housemates miserable. I ate their food. I drank their beer. I ruined their CDs. The best thing that could happen to Joe is getting out of your house and learning how to take care of himself. He appears to have plenty of moneyfor booze and tattoos so I imagine he can rework his budget to fit a new lifestyle.

Gundy said...

Actually, Steven Hawking would be a lot more helpful around the house.

DC Liar said...

Stephen Hawking as a roommate... hmmmmm. That would be so sweet. He could help me develop my tampon-string theory.

Chris B. said...

"If it is going to be that kind of party, I am going to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes." - MC Hawking