Monday, February 13, 2006

I'm Dying Here

Man, I've been in a really foul mood lately due to a convergence of disappointing factors:
a) I'm taking a prescription that won't let me drink, b) The Girl has (apparently) undertaken a vow of abstinence, and c) They have passed smoking bans in DC and Chicago. It seems like the gods are conspiring to rob me of every little thing that brings me joy.

Understandably, I've been gothing-out lately and thinking a lot about death and dying. After giving this much thought, I'd like to share with you:

The 10 Most Likely Ways How I Will Die
10) In a Hail of Bullets
9) Drown in an Apple-Bobbing Mishap
8) Trampled to Death When I Find Myself Between Aaron Carter and a Herd of Tweenage Girls
7) Disemboweled by a Decorative Lawn Ornament in High Winds
6) Shouting "Look What I Can Do!"
5) Alone in a Cavernous Mansion, Clutching a Snow-globe, Remembering Innocence Lost
4) Septic Shock Due to the Hording of Stray Dagos
3) Stabbed in Sleep By Girlfriend After She Reads This
2) Shot By Vice President Cheney
1) Tongue Frozen to Railroad Track, Somehow

When I'm gone remember me well - and, for the sake of all that is holy, make sure that none of my worldly possessions go to the poor.


Prairie Dawg said...

Ed does good eulogies.

The "snow globe" bit had me spitting coffee out my nose.

The scary part is, I was giving myself a coffee enema at the time.

Gundy said...

Why do I suspect that almost all of those can be combined with #6?

edP said...

I got a feeling that somehow all ten of these things will happen to you at once - but you won't die a la Rasputin. Instead you'll be in a lot of pain and unable to even kill yourself.

Did I cheer you up?

Glad to help.

Anonymous said...

God forbid... what kind of prescription are you on that wouldn't allow you to drink??? You actually allowed yourself to be put on some sort of crap... Drinking and Joshie go hand in hand.. I don't know if I can go on with life...

Oh by the way... bummer about you not getting any...


Natemeister said...

The smoking ban in Chicago won't affect bars for a couple of years... but everywhere else is fucked. No word about bans in the suburbs yet, will keep you posted.