Man, I've been in a really foul mood lately due to a convergence of disappointing factors:
a) I'm taking a prescription that won't let me drink, b) The Girl has (apparently) undertaken a vow of abstinence, and c) They have passed smoking bans in DC and Chicago. It seems like the gods are conspiring to rob me of every little thing that brings me joy.
Understandably, I've been gothing-out lately and thinking a lot about death and dying. After giving this much thought, I'd like to share with you:
The 10 Most Likely Ways How I Will Die
10) In a Hail of Bullets
9) Drown in an Apple-Bobbing Mishap
8) Trampled to Death When I Find Myself Between Aaron Carter and a Herd of Tweenage Girls
7) Disemboweled by a Decorative Lawn Ornament in High Winds
6) Shouting "Look What I Can Do!"
5) Alone in a Cavernous Mansion, Clutching a Snow-globe, Remembering Innocence Lost
4) Septic Shock Due to the Hording of Stray Dagos
3) Stabbed in Sleep By Girlfriend After She Reads This
2) Shot By Vice President Cheney
1) Tongue Frozen to Railroad Track, Somehow
When I'm gone remember me well - and, for the sake of all that is holy, make sure that none of my worldly possessions go to the poor.