Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Hollywood's War Against Science

Everyday for the last month all I've heard of some religious group getting their pretty pious panties in a twist about the upcoming 'DaVinci Code' film.
What I find surprising is how little protest there is toward this film compared to the release of 'Last Temptation of Christ' 18 years ago. I haven't read the DVC, but my understanding is that it takes the big J's fantasy sequence from LToC and claims that it truly happened.
I guess that if you put Opie in the director's chair and cast that nice young man from 'Big' in the lead role, everyone seems to be less pissy than if the film is helmed by one of those artsy New York types.
Regardless, I just don't give a wet shit either way.

What has me all riled up is Hollywood's continued abuse of religion's mortal nemesis - science.
This unending attack has been waged since the earliest days of cinema, but since the advent of the Summer blockbuster this skirmish has bloomed into an all-out war. Some simple rules of Science/Physics:

- Not all nuclear scientists, geologists, aeronautical engineers, or quantum physicists are bikini models.

- You can't use the force from one exploding vehicle to blow you onto another.

- If a plane falls off of a cliff, you can't catch up to it by jumping off the cliff fifteen seconds later and "flying" down.

- You can't escape a thermonuclear explosion by jumping into a pond, or draping your Members Only jacket over your head.

- It is impossible to parachute through a waterfall of molten lead.

- You can't flip a car onto the top of a nearby 18 wheeler's trailer by jerking the wheel sharply to the left and engaging the emergency brake.

- Nobody can drill to the center of the Earth, let alone do so in a passenger vehicle.

- If hanging by your fingertips from the top of a skyscraper, you can't effectively fire a bazooka.

- If a loved one is in a helicopter that is shot down by a surface-to-air missile equipped with a military-grade nerve-gas warhead, It is very unlikely that you can bring them back to life by sobbing over their lifeless body.

- Robots, computers, and super-secret stealth fighter jets cannot spontaneously "come to life" and develop autonomous personalities.

- Snakes (Suborder Ophidia) are greatly varied, and can be found in most temperate regions of the world. There are even snakes, in the genus Chrysopelea, that can "fly" (by controlled gliding). However, motherfucking planes are not acceptable habitats for any of the known Ophidiads.

This attack on reason will not relent unless it is met with strong resistance. These maniacs not only want to take our money, but change the established tenets of science.
We need to take a page from the Flanders set and rise up in revolt. We need to storm the streets and unite our voices in outrage against this attack on our core beliefs. We will make those anti-science types pay dearly. Michael Bay's disemboweled viscera will hang for crimes against logic.

If anyone needs me, I'll be at the theater down the street protesting 'M:I:3'.


The Old Dog said...

What about geckos on a train?

Michael K said...

Look, snakes are aggressive and if thousands of them are released on a plane, they will not simply hide in the cages they were brought on board in. They will start looking for humans to kill just like they do in real life. I am constantly being harassed by snakes every day.

elisenator said...

ummm, i remember an even larger protest against the LTOC. it was pretty big.
yeah yeah...i know, not your point.

DC Liar said...

Elise, That's what I was a-sayin'.

What I find surprising is how much less overt hatred there is toward this film compared to the release of 'Last Temptation of Christ'

DC Liar said...

I edited it to be clearer.

I apologize for never not being the opposite of unconfusing in my text.

edP said...

Now you've fucking confused me.

edP said...

Let me ask a serious science/movie question.

Let's say I burn my enemy to death with my trusty flamethrower...

I can still light my victory cigar off of the enemy's flaming corpse can't I?

edP said...

Oh one correction for you. You said:

"It is impossible to parachute through a waterfall of molten lead."

I think it is possible (depending on the temperature and viscosity of the lead in question)...

It is probably impossible to survive said parachuting.

edP said...

The blast and woman running graphic was the best part. I laughed my ass off.

DC Liar said...


-Go nuts with the cigar, just don't inhale to deeply. Burning petrochemicals and charred flesh vapor will really fuck with yer sinuses (and ruin that Cohiba).

- I'll only accept your hypothesis if the parachute was made out of lead.

Meat Head said...

If you want to get really prissy. Explosions are not big balls of fire. Even the cloud is not smoke cloud but a could of debris and crap the explosion kicks into the air.

I have denoted more than a hundred pounds of C4 at a time. Sadly very disappointing. No big cloud of smoke and fire. Just one hell of bang and a bunch of dirt kicked into the air. Oh and a nice hole in the ground.

Oh and shooting while running. Please stop showing that. Maybe then we will stop have these dumb ass gang bangers trying to do. We might get lucky and they will actually start killing each other instead innocent people sitting in there houses.

DC Liar said...

The other thing I'd like to see is JUST ONE movie where there's a shootout in a warehouse (or similar enclosed structure) with large caliber handguns, and when it finishes nobody can hear shit.

I shot off one round from my .45 auto (in an open field) without ear-protection. Next thing I know all I could hear was a dull ringing. That ringing lasted for 9 hours.

Emptying three clips each and then whispering instructions to your 'team' is horse-shit.


Michael K said...

I wish that in that same shoot out scene there weren't ricochets of every other round fired. They are so rare it's retarded. You cannot hide behind a n aluminum garbage can and expect each round to ricochet off into a wall.