Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Everything You Wanted To Know About Lasik, But Were Too Smart To Ask

It's now 6 hours since the laser surgery & I'm hangin' tough (like a New Kid). Those guys at Hauser-Ross nailed this bitch. I can already see clearly (without glasses), and aside from some minor irritation, I'm doing great.

The whole procedure for both eyes only took about an hour. Here's the run down:
1) Sign in and fill out the last set of forms (in a series of about 538) that they make you sign
2) Go to the prep room and jump into a sporty robe/lunch-lady hat ensemble
3) Warsh yer face
4) Go through the obligatory Blood Pressure/Temperature tests
5) Someone asks if you want a Valium - Say "Two Please"
6) Wait for the fun drugs to kick in - Talk to the anesthesiologist about what's wrong with the Cubs this season
7) Go into the operating room and submit to a couple more vision tests
8) Get anesthetic eye-drops
9) The doctor draws dots on your cornea with a marker - Remark that you've woken up with Sharpie all over your face, but this is a first
10) You get to lie down in the cool-ass B&D/S&M looking chair with the head restraints
11) They tape your eyelashes back to your forehead and cheek
12) They insert a cool Clockwork Orange style brace under your lids and crank that bitch open
13) A suction machine is used to pull your eye partially out of the socket - Everything goes grey
14) While the eye is being sucked a teeny-tiny saw comes in and cuts a 250 degree incision across the base of the cornea
15) The machine gets tired of sucking your eye and lets go - You can see again
16) You get to see tweezers dip in and fold back your cornea
17) You have to stare straight at the HAL 9000 light - If you don't, you're fucked
18) The zappin' begins - It smells like burnt toenails
19) The doctor folds back over your cornea and flushes the eye with a VERY cold fluid
20) Sit and wait while the doctor wipes off the blood from your eye (right eye only)
21) Go back over to the exam area and have operated eye examined
22) Repeat steps 7-21 (except #20) for left eye.
23) Leave the office and have a smoke

I managed to stay calm and totally relaxed through the whole procedure, but that was some weird shit (for sure). I'd credit my many many hours under the tattoo needle for instilling the importance of remaining perfectly still during extreme discomfort.
The craziest part of the whole experience is the many pamphlets/videos/forms that they make you go through. Every single one lets you know that if you proceed with Lasik your eyes will most likely fall out and be eaten by vultures. It's all a liability issue, but for someone (like me) who insists on reading everything thoroughly, it's a fucking head-trip.

I walked out of the operating room with blurred vision, but (even fresh off the zappin') it was noticeably better than it had been an hour earlier.
As soon as I got home I chewed a Vicodin and took a shot of Knob Creek. I was out within 5 minutes, and slept for a good 2 hours. I even remembered to put on my 'sleep goggles' which loook like something Oakley would design for Parliament/Funkadelic - They rock.
Me Rockin' The Sleep Goggles

After I woke up, my vision was markedly improved - I was very impressed. And now (2 hours later) my vision is almost as good as it was with glasses/contacts.

There you go. That's all of the (too much) information you need (but didn't want) to know. Now if I can get through the next week without poking myself in the eye, I should be in the clear.
I'm doomed.


edP said...

If you get the surgery again will you be able to see through ladies' clothes?

DC Liar said...

I'll be sure to ask tomorrow at the follow-up exam.
If so; I'm in.

F1.4 said...

Uh, why the hell didn't someone tell me about the valium, and why only two?

Any reason you didn't get this done in the DC? I could go back to De Kalb for this if it's worth it but damn, you would think DC could do something right.

Lady Di )O( said...

That nearly made me vomit.

I'll stick with my singular contact lens.

Jeanz said...

Hey, can you see me now? Over here! Over here!

I must be a total jackass, waving my arms around in an empty room.

Glad it went well. I'm still keeping the specs, though. After 30 years of protection, I can't get used to feeling wind in my eyes.

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kim said...

(Whoops, typos, reposted.)

I soooo needed to read that, no kidding. I'm having my wisdom teeth out in an hour and a half and I'm shittin' bricks with my anxiety going crazy.

If you went thru THAT FUCKING NIGHTMARE -- NO WAY I could ever, ever do that -- I can do this, right? Clockwork Orange for cripes, sake. No way.

Cheers to you.
I'll be chewing on cotton balls tonight while thinking of you with your burnt, healing eyes.

Jeanz said...

Uh, so, this is way off topic, but I keep forgetting to tell you how fabulous the drinkin' CD is. We are lovin' it! And, yes, that elephant song just kills. Thanks for putting it together.

Wow. Just thinking about it makes me want a drink. Well - full disclosure - thinking alone makes me want a drink.

DC Liar said...

I can't buy a pack of Winston Lights in DC without the clerk fucking it up 4 or more times. There's no way I'm getting my eyes zapped in that 3rd world hell-hole.

Plus, Hauser-Ross in Sycamore is one of the top rated facilities in the nation. Who woulda thunk it?

edP said...

Kevin Butler went there. (I think)

I just hope Mike Van Der Jaggoff didn't go there.