Friday, September 28, 2007

L and E Means Quality

If anyone has the great misfortune of knowing me in meatspace, then you'll know that I have crazy iron-clad loyalties to just about anything that can be purchased and very stringent guidelines on how to do everyday tasks. Hell, get enough drinks in me and I'll argue the merits of different brands of toilet tissue until I'm out of breath and on the verge of settling the argument with pistols at dawn.

I've decided that the world needs my infinite consumerist wisdom, so I proudly present the Lies & Exaggerations Walrus of Approval:
You: Shouldn't it be a "Seal of Approval"?
No!
Why?
Because seals are gay. C'mon, all they do is balance balls on their nose, eat raw fish, and blow on rows of horns all day. Sounds pretty fucking gay to me.
I think you're missing the point.
Fucking seal coddlers... Walruses are long-toothed, fat-assed, ass-kicking bastions of glory. You and Good-fucking-Housekeeping can keep your sissy-pantsed seals.
I can't believe that I'm still reading this crap, I'm going over to BoingBoing to look at the photo of the two-headed turtle again.
Good riddance... No, wait! Be sure to keep an eye out for forthcoming posts featuring products I deem "walrus worthy".
Whatever.

4 comments:

bigsoda said...

We saw a masturbating walrus entertain a throng of tourists on Fisherman's Wharf.

DC Liar said...

Walruses are hard-core like that. They just don't fucking care. It's like the world is just one big prison-yard to them.
You should just be thankful that the walrus didn't rush up and make you his "sea-bride" (They do that, you know).

Michael K said...

That turtle is fucking awesome! You should give that little bastard a couple of walruses while you're at it.

The Old Dog said...

Can that turtle poop?