I beat that fucking NRA Medallion last week! 12/2 to 8/6. Hoo-Ha! Take that motherfucker.
I'm celebrating my awesome record last week now, because this looks like another "trap" week (see: week 4) - I'll be lucky to break even on Week 6.
C'mon all you party people say "Yeah"! It was fun while it lasted.
Last week's picks: 12-2
Season record: 51-25
Bears (2-3) over Vikings (1-3)
.500, here we come! It looks like the Bears are back on track. Looking at their schedule, I say they end up with 9 or 10 wins, 6 or 7 losses, and a play-off berth.
I see the Pack heading south, the way Kitna's playing in Detroit he's lucky to be out of a wheelchair, and the Vikes will be lucky to end this season with just a losing record (and that's sayin' something). Bears will make this postseason - Write it down.
Postgame: Fuck it. I give up trying to figure out this Bears team - Forget everything I said. As soon as they fix the QB problem, their Defense starts leaking like a sieve. I just don't know.
Browns (2-3) over Dolphins (0-5)
This hotly anticipated match-up of elite QBs finally happens - Cleo Lemon or Derek Anderson; who will win?
Redskins (3-1) over Packers (4-1)
I'm really digging my adoptive football squadron (Skins) this season. I'm hoping that they only lose one more game this regular-season (December 6th). Realistically, I think that they'll only lose 3 or 4 more. This ain't one of 'em.
Postgame: The Skins woulda had this one wrapped if their fucking receivers could hold on to the fucking ball. Fucking bums.
Monday Update: THIS sums it up.
Bengals (1-3) over Chiefs (2-3)
The Bengals defense is so depleted that they're actually playing a make-a-wish kid, two migrant laborers that they picked up in front of the 7-11, and a 1985 "Monsters of the Midway" poster on their D-line. It's still gonna be good enough to stop the Chiefs.
Jets (1-4) over Eagles (1-3)
Dear Andy Reid,
You aren't coaching. Seriously, You have more important issues at hand. Both of your sons are in jail and it's fucking obvious that you're just not concentrating on the game - That was crystal-clear after you let the Giants steamroll the same spot in the Philly O-line and sack McNabb 12 fucking times in your last outing. Take a year or two off, and sort out your life before you kill this team.
The City of Philadelphia
P.S. Trading Jeff Garcia before McNabb was fully healed was really stupid.
Buccaneers (3-2) over Titans (3-1)
Hey, where's Garcia quarterbacking now? That's right; Tampa. The Bucs are doing pretty good this year. This is gonna be a close one. The Titans have the wonder-tard behind center, remember?
I'm just picking the home-team in this coin-toss.
Jaguars (3-1) over Texans (3-2)
Both are good teams. It just so happens that Jacksonville is gooder.
Note to Mrs. Schindlebeck (my 2nd Grade teacher): Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Ravens (3-2) over Rams (0-5)
The Ravens are playing with all of the athletic vigor of Amando de Ossorio zombies. Still, the Rams are even more hapless than the victims in Amando de Ossorio films. All they do is stand still, scream, trip a couple of times, and die - That's the Rams for you.
Cardinals (3-2) over Panthers (3-2)
I have it on good authority that Matt Leinart broke his collarbone when he fell off of his fat fucking whore of a wife mid-coitus. Luckily for the Cards, half of the Carolina team was injured doing the same.
Postgame: It looks like Warner fell off of Leinart's wife in the first quarter.
Tim Rattay -vs- Vinny Testaverde?!?! What the fuck is this; the CFL?
Cowboys (5-0) over Patriots (5-0)
Fuck you - You heard me right, I'm picking the Cowboys to win this one.
Every-fucking-body is picking the Pats to win this week. Whenever that happens, the other team always seems to pull an upset. The only arguments for the Pats winning that I've heard are:
a) The Cowboys haven't had to play a real team this year. Agreed - The team with the best record they've faced this season is the Chicago Bears under The Quarterback Who Shall Not Be Named, but the best team that the Pats have played this year has the same record at this point (2&3). If you look at the combined win/loss stats of the past opponents of these two teams they break down as such: Pats: 7/17, Boys: 6/19. That's not too different, is it? Plus, Dallas is playing in a division where the other teams rivals have a combined winning record, whereas the Pats are playing in a division where the other teams are 2/13. Dallas has a lot more to play for.
b) The Cowboys fucking sucked against the Bills last week. They still won didn't they? They had no fucking place winning that game, but they did. The last game I saw where something like that happened was last season's Bears -vs- Cardinals game. To pull off a win like that is infinitely more impressive than staging a blow-out. Plus, now Dallas is gonna correct those mistakes, whereas the Pats are expecting last week's Cowboys to take the field.
c) The Patriots don't lose. I'm sure that the NE players are buying into that mentality, and that makes them vulnerable. Every year New England blows a "gimme" game against some shitty team (usually the Jets, Bills, or Dolphins), I think that they're walking into a huge trap this week in Dallas.
All that all being said, I'm fully expecting to get my ass handed to me on this pick.
Postgame: This is what happens when you pick games at 4AM on a Saturday morning. Liquor makes you think funny things.
Chargers (2-3) over Raiders (2-2)
It looks like the Chargers got their "spark" back last week... Bluurgh! That was so horrible that I'm ending this pick before someone gets hurt.
Primetime Sunday Game:
Seahawks (3-2)over Saints (0-4)
This probably seemed like an white-knuckle thrill-ride of a game when NBC picked this one in the offseason. Not so much, now. Use this time to check out Dexter on Showtime, watch Adult Swim, and interact with your loved ones (if you must).
Postgame: Whaaaaa?!? It's official - Football makes no sense at all (this week).
Monday Night Game:
Giants (3-2) over Falcons (1-4)
Believe it or not, The Giants have turned that bend in the road and are looking real good right now. Atlanta is still stuck on the off-ramp with 3 flat tires, no power-steering, and their turn-signal flashing in the wrong direction.
Wrong picks in RED
Correct picks in GREEN