As you all probably know by now, I'm back in Illinois for a whirlwind surprise Halloween visit. That means that this post was written (for the most part) last Sunday and Monday because I knew that there was no way in hell that I'd have the time to sit down and do this while I was in the middle of a drinking marathon. Therefore, I'm sure that there's a bunch of injuries and/or last minute shifts that I'm gonna miss, but I don't care. I'm having way too much fun to worry about being right.
Last week's picks: 10/4
Season record: 67/36
Early Sunday Games:
Bears (3-4) over Lions (4-2)
I can't see Chicago dropping both regular-season games to the fucking Lions (or the abstinent Lions, for that matter).
The key to this game is somehow abducting Ron Turner before kickoff and keeping him locked in a utility closet until there's 30 seconds left in the 4th. Hell, If the closet is big enough, I'd strongly recommend doing the same with Benson and Berry-Ann.
Steelers (4-2) over Bengals (2-4)
Pittsburgh is gonna be grumpy after shitting the bed on national television against Denver last week. Cincinnati is gonna be over-confident after coming back to beat a 1&5 team last week.
Quick, Mr. Bunny, hop off of the train tracks!
This is gonna be the stuff that cautionary traffic-safety films are made of.
Titans (4-2) over Raiders (2-4)
It looks likely that the Titans are getting Big Dummy back for this one. That's all I needed to hear - I'm goin' with Tennessee.
Browns (3-3) over Rams (0-7)
If you had to call this game when the 2007 schedule was released, nobody would have picked the Browns. Now nobody would pick the Rams. You gotta love this game.
Giants (5-2) over Dolphins (0-7)
This one counts as a home game for Miami, which is totally unfair to the Dolphins - It can't possibly feel like a home-game for the Fish with people in the stands. Heres my theory: (NFL Commissioner) Tagliabue's plan is to get the Dolphins out of the country, have NFL personal confiscate their passports, and summarily eradicate all history of the franchise from the NFL record. It worked for Stalin.
Vikings (2-4) over Eagles (2-4)
I'm gonna be routing for Philly in this one, but I was really impressed with the Minnesota defense last week against the Cowboys. It looks like a classic hard-nosed Bears defense, for chrissake. Plus, those Nordic fuckers have a running game that Lovie can only dream of. How'd that happen - That's not good. The only thing that's holding Minnesota back is their clown at QB - That twat makes Grossie look good. I'm just hoping that this team gets dismantled by injuries before week 15.
Colts (6-0) over Panthers (4-2)
The Colts are playing HUGE lately. For my money, they're a much better team than the Patriots (more on that next week). The Panthers definitely have enough talent to pose a legitimate threat, but after seeing Indy manhandle the Jags last week, I have to go with the Colts to get the win against Carolina.
Late Sunday Games:
Bills (2-4) over Jets (1-6)
Why do I keep picking the motherfucking Jets to win? They haven't come through for me since week 3 (against the hapless Dolphins). My Mangina man-crush is over - I'm going with the Williams in this one.
Texans (3-4) over Chargers (3-3)
Note: This game will probably be played in Arizona or (possibly) postponed.
San Diego has been on fire lately... Sorry. The Chargers are hot, but all of the wrath-of-god issues that they've had to deal with this last week are gonna take their toll - It's hard to focus on professional tackle football when every thing you have has been reduced to a smoldering pile of embers. The Texicans are good enough to exploit this 'crisitunity' for a win.
Buccaneers (4-3) over Jaguars (4-2)
The Jags took a beating against Indy last week and it looks like Garrard will either be out this week or be playing hurt. I like Tampa, but just barely.
Postgame: Jags by 1 point. I was barely wrong.
Saints (2-4) over 49ers (2-4)
The Saints need to get another win against a cupcake team before hosting the Jaguars next week. They can do it.
Patriots (7-0) over Redskins (4-2)
Fun Fact: The Patriots haven't won in DC since 1972. Let's see how they do against a team with a winning record (so far the only winning team they've faced was Dallas). As much as I'd love to see my Skins pull off the upset in this one, it ain't gonna happen. Hell, Washington barely squeaked out a win against the crippled Cardinals last Sunday. If the Skins are going to pull off this upset they're gonna have to commit to smash-mouth football on both sides of the ball - Offense: Hard Run, Hard Run, Hard Run, etc. Defense: Keep the pressure on Brady and hope for mistakes. Blitz like fuck; that'll give up a bunch of completions, but will eventually wear down the O-line and leave Brady vulnerable.
-There isn't a Sunday Night Game due to the World Series-
Monday Night Game:
Broncos (3-3) over Packers (5-1)
This game is gonna be going on about 2 miles away from game 5 of the World Series (if needed). I'm hoping that it snows like hell - I'm routing for chaos. I think that the Pack has a real good shot at winning this one, but it looks like the Broncos may be on an upswing. I'm picking this one based on my NFC North hopes, and Denver's home-field advantage.
Postgame: Pack wins in overtime - Pencil 'em in for the NFC North title this year.
Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN