Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Your Kids Are Whores

Tonight, instead of ogling nubile half-nekkid drunk girls at the bar, I got to hand out candy to children and other dregs of society. This is what I get for having too much shit to fit into an apartment.

I saw plenty of nubile half-nekkid girls, problem is that they were all around 13 or 14. WHAT THE FUCK? Jesus Christ people, I'm already paying for your degenerate child's education through the taxes that you managed throw down on cigarettes and liquor. The last fucking thing I need is your nymphet daughter ringing at my doorbell wearing nothing but a fucking g-string, a boobie bandage, all the while suggestively smiling at me awkwardly through braces (teeth, not leg) while I'm desperately trying to pay attention only to candy and the Boris Karloff marathon on TCM.
That's just not fucking fair. C'mon people - Don't send your kids out looking like Sri Lankan street-walkers. It's not my place to raise your children, much less have your children raise my... Forget it.

Back to the other assorted dregs of society... I live about 3 blocks outside the DC city limits in a residential neighborhood. This is great for everyday life - I get to hole-up in a peaceful neighborhood whilst being within reasonable walking distance of modern civilization.
This all goes to hell on October 31st of any given year. I may live in a residential neighborhood, but there are several gov'ment housing projects within a few blocks of my house.

Here's my typical Halloween: Cute little trick-or-treater, another little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, jailbait, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, chase off guy trying to steal my tires, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, crackhead, scare the hell outta a little trick-or-treater while chasing off the ensuing wave of crackheads by breaking out the AK-47, jailbait, etc...

I'm glad that this is the last year I'm doing this shit. The other neighbors are way-fucking smarter than me - I looked out on the street this evening, and my Jeep was one of only 3 cars on the entire block (usually there are at least 20+). Crafty bastards.
I realized this while I was washing off the eggs and shaving creme from my car (and I even fucking gave out candy!?!).

I would just ignore the whole fucking holiday altogether, but the last time I did that was in 2001. That year I had to replace 3 slashed tires and 2 broken windows - I'm sure that things will be more civilized back in Chicago...


jeanz said...

Well, I'm not technically within the city limits, but I left a basket of candy on the porch with a note declaring a limit of two items per person. After several hours of being completely unattended, the basket was still there, half full, with no evidence of even the most minor mayhem.

God only knows what'll happen when word gets out that you've moved back, though.

The Old Dog said...

Don't worry Liar, there are no crackheads or jailbait in Chicago.

Michael K said...

There was a basket of candy set out in Logan Square unattended and I thought the person who set it out was probably hiding to scare the shit out of any kid who got greedy.

DC Liar said...

Mr. Dog,
I'm well aware of the jailbait peril that plagues Chicagoland.
I think I'm gonna start just handing out bibles. That'll be a hit.

jeanz said...

Dude - you need to write your OWN bible. That's a surefire hit!

Or maybe a hellfire hit.

Either way.

DC Liar said...

Once I get back, I'm determined to get Ed to start an endeavor with me wherein we read the bible passage by passage and give a point-counterpoint.
I was planning on doing it as a blog, but if we can keep interest (by "we", I mean "me"), there might be a book in there.
Either that, or I should just throw down all of my insane ramblings together and call it "religion" - It seems to have worked for the Scientologists.