Tonight, instead of ogling nubile half-nekkid drunk girls at the bar, I got to hand out candy to children and other dregs of society. This is what I get for having too much shit to fit into an apartment.
I saw plenty of nubile half-nekkid girls, problem is that they were all around 13 or 14. WHAT THE FUCK? Jesus Christ people, I'm already paying for your degenerate child's education through the taxes that you managed throw down on cigarettes and liquor. The last fucking thing I need is your nymphet daughter ringing at my doorbell wearing nothing but a fucking g-string, a boobie bandage, all the while suggestively smiling at me awkwardly through braces (teeth, not leg) while I'm desperately trying to pay attention only to candy and the Boris Karloff marathon on TCM.
That's just not fucking fair. C'mon people - Don't send your kids out looking like Sri Lankan street-walkers. It's not my place to raise your children, much less have your children raise my... Forget it.
Back to the other assorted dregs of society... I live about 3 blocks outside the DC city limits in a residential neighborhood. This is great for everyday life - I get to hole-up in a peaceful neighborhood whilst being within reasonable walking distance of modern civilization.
This all goes to hell on October 31st of any given year. I may live in a residential neighborhood, but there are several gov'ment housing projects within a few blocks of my house.
Here's my typical Halloween: Cute little trick-or-treater, another little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, little trick-or-treater, jailbait, jailbait, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, chase off guy trying to steal my tires, jailbait, little trick-or-treater, crackhead, crackhead, jailbait, crackhead, scare the hell outta a little trick-or-treater while chasing off the ensuing wave of crackheads by breaking out the AK-47, jailbait, etc...
I'm glad that this is the last year I'm doing this shit. The other neighbors are way-fucking smarter than me - I looked out on the street this evening, and my Jeep was one of only 3 cars on the entire block (usually there are at least 20+). Crafty bastards.
I realized this while I was washing off the eggs and shaving creme from my car (and I even fucking gave out candy!?!).
I would just ignore the whole fucking holiday altogether, but the last time I did that was in 2001. That year I had to replace 3 slashed tires and 2 broken windows - I'm sure that things will be more civilized back in Chicago...