Indiana Jones and the Palace of the Virgin Fan-Boys

Tonight I decided to catch the midnight showing of the new Indiana Jones flick because: A) I'm a total nerd-loser who has never touched boobies, and B) I don't have a damned place to be tomorrow morning - Suck it you counterrevolutionary wage-slaves of the bourgeoisie.

Since you "look at me, I'm gainfully employed" chumps aren't gonna see the movie until sometime this weekend, Here are a few lies plot-points to tide you over until you get a chance to see it for yourselves:

1) The whole film is played out using Lego figurines (screen shot above).

2) John Williams' musical score has been replaced by instrumental versions of Devo's "Whip It" played with varying intonations.

3) The entire second half of the film turns into a steamy AARP version of a late-night Cinemax soft-core porno featuring Indy and Marion. The only real action unfolds when a boulder rolls out from Marion's uncrossed thighs and chases Indy through the Fantasy Suites Hotel.

4) Jar-Jar Binks' skull figures heavily into the story-line and there are several references throughout to "the great Gungan race".

5) The short before the film is a 15 minute documentary on India narrated by Steven Spielberg extolling the great history and diverse culture of the Indian Republic. Several mentions are made to the fact that they do not, indeed, eat monkey brains, but it is pointed out that they do field a lot of the customer service calls for collection agencies, so if they'd just be cool about "Temple of Doom thing", we'd be willing to look the other way on that later travesty.

6) Short Round (now going by the name of Pol Pot) reappears in the new film and pleads with Indy to join his "Khmer People's Revolutionary Party".

7) Dramatic bare-knuckled boxing match between Henry "Indiana" Jones and Joseph "The Man of Steel" Stalin over the Aleutian Islands. Indy wins, but sustains several severe blows to the head - For the remainder of the film, he refers to Marion as "Adrian".

8) Turns out, Indy's fedora was, in fact, a symbiotic brain parasite who has been controlling his every word and action throughout the entire series.

9) In the end, the Crystal skull turns out to be a cheap forgery, readily available to tourists in Peru for 50 nuevo sols a pop. Indy and Joel Cairo decide to frame-up Wilmer Cook to take the fall for all of the mayhem which has ensued in pursuit of the worthless trinket. Reluctantly, Indy turns Marion over to the authorities for her hand in the death of Miles Archer.

10) Despite drinking from the holy grail at the end of "Last Crusade", Indy is obviously aging and his father has since passed. They explain this incongruity by revealing that there is no God, all of the Judeo-Christian mythos were hokum, and that dark wizards were responsible for all of the miraculous happenings in the first and third films.

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By the way: There's no "stinger" at the end of the film. So you're free to urinate as soon as the credits start to roll (figuratively, of course, unless you're watching the movie on the South-Side; then literally).

Technical Difficulties

L&E has come to a grinding halt due to an unforeseen technical glitch.
My PC Monitor is seriously on the fritz, and I'm too broke to have it fixed. Here's the deal: It keeps blacking out - Sometimes it takes over an hour, sometimes it's immediate. Nonetheless, after it blacks-out it rarely will come back unless I restart the computer or turn off the monitor for an hour or more. Even then, I can't expect more than a few minutes of work time before it blanks-out again.
If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

From the "Bad Ideas That Sound Good When You're Really Fucking High" File

HOUSTON -- Three teenagers are accused of digging up a corpse, removing the head and using the skull as a bong to smoke marijuana, Houston police said

Matthew Richard Gonzalez and Kevin Wade Jones, both 17, and their 16-year-old friend were arrested Wednesday and charged with abuse of a corpse.

Police said the trio told investigators they dug up a body from an Humble area cemetery in March, decapitated it and converted the head into a marijuana pipe....

LINK

All you need to know is that all involved were from Texas and home-schooled. Enough said.

An Open Letter to Senator Hillary Clinton

Senator Clinton,

Please refrain from using any further "Rocky" comparisons. You are not a half-retarded Philly street fighter. Plus, if you had bothered to watch the film, you'd know that at the end of the film Rocky loses in a split-decision to the charismatic, media obsessed, black man. Seriously.
That kind simplistic comparison may fly in Pennsylvania where the populous is too busy booing at professional sporting events to even bother to remember the names of their children, but the rest of the nation is giggling behind your back. It really is some funny shit.
If you feel some driving need to compare yourself to a specific character portrayed by Sylvester Stalone (who, by the way, has already endorsed McCain), I'd recommend Marion Cobretti, Lincoln Hawk, or Judge Dread.

Yours in Christ,
The Liar

Obamania

Mania: An irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action.There's a lot of noise in the media about the three Abercrombie dudes standing behind Obama durring his Pennsylvania concession speech in Indiana. I really don't think that it was staged. I watched that speech live on MSNBC, and as I was watching it unfold live I had two thoughts:
a) Yup, that's fucking Indiana.
b) Yup, those are Obama supporters.
Wake up - THAT'S HIS BASE!
Senator Obama has become the 'livestrong' bracelet/pink ribbon/labradoodle of 2008. He's become a mall-culture messiah of the vapid masses. He's the black friend for everyone who wouldn't be caught dead in a black neighborhood. He's the hot new icon for the Abercrombie generation - All style, zero substance - A cotton-candy fart wrapped in the hopes and dreams of every American Idol superfan. He's the Che Guevara that you can bring home to grandma - A gen-u-wine black guy raised by god-fearing Kansas white-folk.
It would be offensive if it weren't so god-damned ironic.

I worked with Obama's Senate office on several issues back in DC. They were fucking useless unless you had media coverage, or got Durbin's office to do all of the heavy-work. Clinton's office wasn't much better, but were dependable on several assorted issues. McCain's office was highly-accessible, but always managed to torpedo everything you were asking for in mark-up.
From my experience, I'm not wild about any of 'em, but at least the other two had the courtesy to pretend that they gave a shit about the legislative process.
I have two friends working on the Obama campaign right now; one is a good friend in a very high position. I love her, but I'm just not buying "the cause". I'm also not buying Croc clogs, the new Counting Crows CD, or recycled cruelty-free toilet tissue. That must just be me.

I'm not saying that he's any worse than the other two ass-clowns running for president, but there's no reason to think that he's any better. You just think he is because everyone in your inspirational book-club tells you so.
Do the fucking homework, people! The last time everyone voted with their hearts rather than their brains for a way-under-qualified pseudo-politician we got stuck with Bush II (TWICE!!!), and we all know how well that worked out for all of us.
Regardless, the American people are gonna head back into the voting booths in about six months and pick the next President of the United States of America.
God help us all.

An Open Letter to the Hop-Toads of Northern Illinois

Dear Hop-Toads,

Stay out of the damned pool. You guys realize that you totally can't swim, right? That's why I keep having to fish 6 or 7 of you guys out with a strainer every damned night. Seriously, there's a pond less than 200 feet away that's not a total death-trap. Plus, I've heard that that's the place for freaky-dirty toad sex. Not the swiming pool. You guys are almost as bad as those damned uppity tree frogs that keep setting up house in the sodding jacuzzi. Cut it out!
Please take this into account for future reference.

Sincerly,
The Liar

Crime (Fighters) & Punisher

2008 looks to be a bumper year for comic book geeks; we've got Iron Man, Speedracer, Hellboy II, another Hulk film, Batman: The Dark Knight, and the long-awaited Watchmen film all set to drop in '08.

Not bad, but the one film that has piqued my interest more than all of those combined is the Punisher: War Zone movie. No, really.Growing up as a kid in the 80s, there was no cooler superhero than the Punisher. He didn't have superpowers, he wasn't some rich weirdo that hung out with little boys, he didn't bother with an alter-ego, and he actually KILLED people... lots of people.
The Punisher was the only comic book I regularly followed in the 1980s. Later on, I got into the Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, and Frank Miller stuff, but as a kid, Punisher was #1.

For those who don't know, here's the story of the Punisher in a nutshell:
Frank was a Vietnam war-hero. Frank witnessed his family being murdered by the Mafia. Frank went ape-shit crazy, dressed up in body armor, called himself "the Punisher", started killing criminals, took their money to buy guns and explosives, turned around and killed more criminals (repeat).
End of story. He was the perfect Regan-era underwear-pervert.

What kills me is that what should be the easiest comic book to turn into a movie has yielded two ripe turds of films. I mean how fucking hard is it? War-vet goes crazy and starts killing criminals - This ain't fucking rocket-surgery, people! Just watch 'Taxi Driver' three times and put a skull-suit on Travis Bickle. Done.
Well, I'm hoping like hell that they get it right this time. They have Titus Pullo playing the Punisher and it's being directed by the woman who did Green Street Hooligans. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Regardless, I'm sure that it'll be a hell of a lot less disappointing than the Watchmen flick - Bastards.

Oh Gundy, Where Art Thou?

Every time I've tried to access the Gunderblog over the last week or so, all I've gotten is this:

Not Found

The requested URL /blog/index.php was not found on this server.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.

---

Apache/1.3.37 Server at www.craiggunderson.com Port 80

---

Finger-pain?!? I thought I was gettin' gum.

Awesomeness, Thy Name Is Nick Cave

Check out this video for the title track from the brand new Nick Cave album Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!. I'm digging it (and the new look) - Swank.

Grenadier Sing the Hits of Grenadier

Grenadier - Self-Titled Album
(c) 2008 - Ubique UCD4
myspace.com/grenadier

One of the most awkward experiences in modern life is when a friend gives you his/her band's new CD to listen to. 4 out of 5 times it's gonna end poorly if you don't lie like hell and tap your vocabulary for every single euphemism that you've ever learned. Then (since it's your friend) you keep listening to the album until you have songs like the Floating Basement's "When Mamaluke is at the Beach" running through your head in the middle of Congressional appropriations hearings and other assorted inopportune moments.
It ain't a good thing.

A couple of weekends ago P-Dawg handed me the new Grenadier album. I liked their 2005 album Hand Offensive, so I was optimistic about this one - I popped it into the CD player while The Girl drove my loaded ass home, and then promptly forgot about it for a couple of weeks. Last night I decided to give it a fair (read: sober) listen, and I was blown away.
Hand Offensive was good, but seemed to wander all over the map. This new album is fucking SOLID - It has a laser-beam straight focus and kicks it out from the get-go. It is one of the best examples of American Power-Pop since Weezer's 'Blue Album' or Redd Kross' 'Phaseshifter'.

This new album plays like the distilled history of the Power-Pop movement. Two parts Elvis Costello, one part The Jam, one part Big Star, one part Cheap Trick, one part The Replacements, one part Redd Kross, with a pinch of Glam Rock (The Sweet/Slade/Roxy Music), and a touch of Indie-Noise (Jesus and Mary Chain/My Bloody Valentine). Throw all of that together and you have something totally new, and absolutely brilliant.
The only real departure from that formula is track #3, 'Ghost Child', which has a balls-out 1980's Australian pub-rock (Beasts of Bourbon/Gun Club) feel to it.
Good stuff, to be sure.

All-in-all 'Grenadier' is definitely worth picking up, and will be in my personal rotation for a while. I just hope that they can get out and book some shows soon with some bigger Chicago bands so that this record doesn't pass under the radar.
P-Dawg handed me this disc at the MOTO/Methadones show at Otto's, and it's a damned shame that they weren't on the bill that night. Woulda been a perfect fit - C'mon guys, get on it.

Track Listing:
1. Tolerance
2. Look at Me
3. Ghost Child
4. Poor Little Baby
5. See Run Boy
6. Secret
7. Public Now
8. Leave 'em Ringin'

It's Always the Blogs That Suffer

I'm still spending most of my time trying to find gainful employment, but have had a few breaks within the last couple of weeks. The placement agency that I signed with is starting to feed me several leads every day, it looks like I have a line on an awesome apartment in the West Loop, and The Girl is holding off on moving for yet another month, so I can get situated.
Everything seems to be coming together, but I really haven't had time (or subject matter) for the blog. I'm going to try and fix that - Keep an eye out here and on Killing for Sports for a couple of posts over the next couple of days.

A New High In Low

It finally happened.
I found myself buying a lottery ticket at the liquor store today.

Liquor Store + Lottery Ticket = Oh Crap.

Them's Jokes

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
Now I have to stop fooling around and find a job.

Easy Come Home, Easy Go Away

Good news - Bad news:
I'm going to be starting a new job on the 15th of this month - Out in Portland, Oregon.
I've been looking for a job for a few months back in Illinois and haven't had much luck, so last week when I got a great offer to go out to work on the West coast, I decided that I had to take it.

I'm going to be heading out there next Thursday and am going to try like hell to find an apartment within 5 days.

Wish me luck.

Glitch Slap-or-Why I Suddenly Hate Spike Jones

Fucking technology; stupid me.
Earlier tonight I discovered an incredibly stupid glitch in Windows Media Player. This weekend I picked up a Spike Jones 3 CD set out of the WalMart bargain bin on a whim. When I ripped it to my EHD, the artwork for the first 2 discs downloaded, but not the third. Instead of finding the artwork online and pasting it manually, I clicked on the "update info" WMP function. It updated that disc and (for some fucking reason) replaced about 1/5th of my files with that same artwork. Now about 750 of my files have the image (below) as their album art:Arrrrrrggggghhhhh!
I'm way too anal-retentive to ignore it, and this will drive me mad until I get everything back to the way it's supposed to be. Of course all of the files that were replaced were those that were not in the WMP library. We're talking about obscure Japanese punk comps, vinyl transfers, self-produced CDs, out-of-print crap, promotional discs, etc. Essentially, it's all of the stuff that it took me forever to find the graphics for the first time around.
Something that took about 2 seconds to happen is going to take about 65 hours to fix. Seriously.
The final kick in the nuts? The CD set is of such unbelievably crappy production that it is virtually unlistenable.
I know, I know, I know - WalMart, $7 box-set, Windows Media Player - I was totally asking for it. Bite me.
That doesn't matter. I'm about 6 shots of tequila away from driving out to California, defecating on Jones' grave, stealing the headstone, driving North to Washington, and hurling it through the front windows of Microsoft's main building. That might seem excessive, but should take up less time than it will to fix the fucking problem itself.
Cocksuckers.

Game Plan

Tomorrow before the Effigies/Methadones/M.O.T.O. show, Dena's planning on either doing a BBQ out at her dad's place or pizza at Annex (if the weather sucks) we're doing pizza at Annex around 7ish.

Shoot me an e-mail/text or give me a call and I'll keep you in the loop

What I'm Listening To - Spring 2008

Here it is... finally.
I'm half-assing the liner notes and letting the music speak for itself. Liner Notes:
1) Teenage Bottlerocket - Gave You My Heart
from the 2008 album Warning Device
Here's a habenero up the pooper to kick off the new WILT from the brand new Teenage Bottlerocket record. These guys are going to be playing Reggie's on the 29th of March and I'm damned sure that I'll be there.

2) The Queers - Another Girl
from the 1996 album Don't Back Down
That bubblegum pop is mighty sweet. I can't get enough

3) Ben Weasel - First Day of Spring
from the 2007 album These Ones are Bitter
It's Ben Weasel. You're either gonna love it or hate it. I, for one, love it.

4) The Travoltas - Alright
from the 2000 album Teenbeat
Marky Ramone (who produced the previous Travoltas album) called this band "Pure Americana". They're from Holland. Stupid foreign bands coming from overseas and stealing all of our Americana. Hell, they do it so well, I'm about ready to outsource all of our pop music.

5) Tim Armstrong - Into Action
from the 2007 album A Poet's Life
Let me introduce you to your official theme-song for every Friday night after you hear this song. This is it.

6) Tōkyō Jihen - Burakuautto
from the 2006 album Adult Pour Femme
This is Shiina Ringo's new project with Seiji Kameda. For a sample of her solo work skip to track #22

7) The Network - Roshambo
from the 2003 album Money Money 2020
Yup, It's yet another Green Day side project - This time it's synth-pop dance rock. Trust me, it's awesome.

8) El-P - Flyentology
from the 2007 album I'll Sleep When You're Dead
I'll be the first to admit that the one aspect of my music collection that is sorely lacking is the rap/hip-hop genres. Then again, most hip-hop albums don't feature members from the Mars Volta and Cat Power. I picked this one up after reading a rave review in Wired magazine, and I'm digging it. This track is a collaboration with Trent Reznor.

9) The Raveonettes - Dead Sound
from the 2008 album Lust Lust Lust
This is the track that I'd been waiting on to get this WILT out. It was so worth it.

10) Armchair Martian - Son of Jeff
from the 2007 compilation Good Guys, Bad Band
Now that Drag the River is dead, I can't wait for some new Armchair Martian. Until then, here's a track that was originally on their 2000 release, Hang On Ted.

11) Foetus - Mon Agonie Douce (JG Thirlwell remix)
from the 2008 album Vein
I've been loading up the last few mixes with a load of Thirlwell tracks (Foetus, Wiseblood, Manorexia, Steroid Maximus, etc.), Lucky you. This is a great remix of a track off of the Love album. Crank it up and roll down that window.

12) Gogol Bordello - Tribal Connection
from the 2007 album Super Taranta!
I'm digging these guys so hard right now. I'm just enjoying 'em until the band implodes - The lead singer is starring in Madonna's directorial debut. That can't be a good sign.

13) Tiger Army - Spring Forward
from the 2007 album Music From Regions Beyond
Rockabilly and Spring go together like crucified Jesus and chocolate bunnies.

14) The Tim Version - March 22nd is National "Quit Your Job Day"
from the 2003 album Prohibition Starts Tomorrow
This album is one of the best surprises I've tripped across lately. It goes from D4esque punk to alt-country and right back again. I'm looking to pick up some of their other albums, and hope that they're half as good as this one.

15) The Replacements - God Damn Job
from the 1982 EP Stink
I need a god damned job - That just about sums it all up.

16) Turbonegro - Do You Do You Dig Destruction?
from the 2007 album Retox
More death-punk from everyone's favorite King Diamond meets Tom's of Finland looking motherfuckers. It's a good thing.

17) Bad Religion - Prodigal Son
from the 2007 album New Maps of Hell
This track has gotten pushed from the previous two WILTS and landed here. Actually, this almost got bumped off of this one for a track from the new Flogging Molly album, but was given a last-minute reprieve. It's a good track and deserves better than that.

18) The Arrivals - Failure
from the 2006 compilation Protect
I really have to pick up the new Arrivals record. In my defense, I wasn't sure if they released anything after that turd of a second album, but upon a quick Google search it looks like they got a new one out last year. Look for something off of that record in future comps if I pick it up and if it's good. Wow, that's a lot of 'ifs' - For now enjoy this comp track.

19) The Methadones - Already Gone
from the 2007 album This Won't Hurt...
All-you-all better be out for the Methadones show at Otto's this Friday. Seriously.

20) Against Me! - Borne On the FM Waves of the Heart
from the 2007 album New Wave
This track gets the full "Butch Vig" treatment from their new producer. I really like this track, but it's amazing that this is the same band that released Against Me! Is Reinventing Axl Rose. It's a slippery slope, but for now they're dancing on the edge.

21) Wolf Parade - You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son
from the 2005 album Apologies to the Queen Mary
"I was a hero early in the morning - I ain't no hero in the night"

22) Shiina Ringo - Meisai
from the 2004 album Karuki Zamen Kuri No Hana
The literal translation for this album title is "Lime, Semen, Chestnut Blossoms".
No, really.

23) Flatfoot 56 - Same Ol' Story
from the 2007 album Jungle of the Midwest Sea
Spiritual Celtic punk from the South side of Chicago? Sign me up - It's good stuff. No shit.

24) Drag the River - Death of the Life of the Party
from the 2008 album You Can't Live This Way
This song is essentially the self-eulogy for Drag the River from their final record.

--end--

Here's the deal:
1) It's FREE
2) I'm only doing fifty (50) of these
3) Shoot your mailing address to dclies(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll mail you out a copy
4) The first batch is going out to anyone at the Effigies/Methadones/M.OT.O. show at Otto's on Friday. The second batch should go out sometime the following week.

Super-Secret Show

I'm going to be out of town tomorrow night.
I'm totally pissed that I'm going to miss this show:
Doesn't sound familliar?
Google it.

Panic Button

Recently I've been neglecting the blog. I know it.
I've spent most of my time trying to find a job back here in Illinois, and it's taking a lot longer than I had anticipated. I really need to find something in the next month or I'm going to be in a world of trouble, so I've been in overdrive lately.
I'm going to try and get a few posts that I've been working out in my head up here soon, but until then, enjoy yet another squirrel pic that The Girl sent me:
Superb.

Setting the Bar Higher

Joey Rats & the Vatican City Rollers have just revised the cardinal sins... and just as I had mastered all of the old ones. Ain't that always the way.

Here are the new seven:
Polluting
Genetic Engineering
Being Obscenely Rich
Drug Dealing
Abortion
Pedophilia
Causing Social Injustice

I'm appalled. It used to be that the capital vices were within the reach of everyone - Hell, you could whip through all seven between your 3rd and 9th Jager Bomb shots on any given night. Now most of the cardinal sins are only within the reach of Robb Report subscribers. Seriously, How is the average person supposed to get tanked on tequila shooters and wake up the next morning only to realize that they had inadvertently engineered a totalitarian army of human/chinchilla chimeras in their stupor? It just isn't fair.
I'm going to need a serious influx of cash to actualize a few of these sins. I'd better get cracking on "The Liar's Cocaine and Abortion Emporium" if I want to even sniff #3.

The only bright spot? The potential David Fincher film for the revised SE7EN should be freaking awesome.