This is the third version of this post. Saturday I wrote another St. Paddy's rant, but chucked it because it was lame. Then I decided to post up a Video clip on Absinthe because a) It's green, and b) There's nothing like a love-note to some fancy-pants French liqueur to piss all over that sham holiday. That never got done, so now I'm back to a rant.
I love to drink (lots), and any excuse to get howl-at-the-moon stinko should be a good one, but fuck St. Patrick's day. Seriously. The more I think about it, the more worked-up I get. It's a holiday for a Roman-Catholic saint for Christ's sake. I'm not Christian, and sure as hell not Catholic (even though I should be able to claim so after enduring a 5-fucking-hour-long wedding ceremony). I'm a drunk, and I am part Irish - There's a long line of dirt-farmers, travelers, and white-trash crapping up that branch of my family tree.
St Paddy's Day (as we know it) isn't an Irish holiday. It's not a religious holiday. It's an American holiday. It's a bastardized 20th century Hallmark holiday fueled by Miller Lite and the makers of green food dye. Leave it to our dopey culture to turn a high holly McHoliday honoring some English slave turned zealot into an excuse to wear green, drink mint milkshakes, and get shitty on crappy beer dyed green. Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell is wrong with us? It's an Irish holiday, so we all have to get fucking loaded? I'm part Norwegian too, does that mean that I have to burn a Danish flag and dig up jars of fermented fish out of my backyard on Syttende Mai (May 7th)? It's just embarrassing, and real fucking lame. Period. End.
Oh, and if I see another cutesy leprechaun lapel pin it's going up someone's ass.
Here's my solution: Forget St. Paddy's Day - Bacchanalia is March 16th and 17th every fucking year. We get an extra day, and it celebrates a god who actually endorsed drinking, gluttony, and fornication. Sounds good to me.
The Italians are about to lose Columbus Day (all evidence indicates that he was born, raised, and lived in Spain), so Bacchanalia could be the new Dago Day. It'll be great. All the girls can put on too much eyeliner and dress up in gold-lame - All the guys can don knock-off Member's Only jackets embroidered with the Lamborghini emblem and sport bushy fake mustaches. We will all eat spaghetti, watch Satyricon, and talk like Sopranos. I can even envision a market for leaning-tower beer kegs and Mussolini pinatas. Who wouldn't love that?
It's fucking genius.