Friday, March 10, 2006
The Dumbening* Of Umerika
This fucker has been festering in my gut for several weeks now, so stand back while I get it out.
The Girl was watching the Winter Olympics closing ceremony a few weeks back, and NBC did the obligatory featurette on the shroud of Turin. The tone of the special had a very 'Touched By an Angel' feel to it, and they reported that "no one has any idea how this image came to be".
- this is the point in the evening when I started screaming at the TV, but we'll get to that later-
They went on to talk to religious scholars and pretty much concluded that the shroud was, truly, a fucking colorform of the 'Big J'. This was on a major network during prime-time.... WHAT THE FUCK?
What I was screaming:
"The fucking pope declared that fucking rag a hoax back in 1389. What the fuck is wrong with people, are we more gullible than those flat-earth lovin', plague-rat pettin', witch burnin' mother fuckers? Jesus tap-dancing Christ, the fucking shroud was fucking carbon-dated to the 13th or 14th centuries. There are dozens of explanations of where this fucking holy cum-rag came from, the least fucking likely answer being a mother-fucking drippy Jesus. FUUUUUCK!"
Or something to that effect.
The point is that I'm screaming at an inanimate object at the top of my lungs, The Girl is looking at me like I'm trying to stuff a rabid honey-badger down my drawers, and the dog went off to hide in the bathtub. I then sat down and begrudgingly continued to read my magazine.
Well, that stuck in my (proverbial) craw, and over the past few weeks I've noticed several other examples of this phenomena. The worst is on the Discovery Channel, the National Geographic Channel, The Learning Channel, and the History Channel; these used to be the educational networks, now they're just sensational, empty, fucking pablum. It's all crap about tattoos, cars, motorcycles, sports disasters, home renovation, ghosts, cryptozoological creatures, and U.F.fuckingO.s. Turn this shit on at any time of the fucking day, and you'll get some shit like this:
Is this actual footage of an alien autopsy , or video of Ed and the Old Dog double-teaming a blow-up doll? Well, no one knows for sure, but after this commercial break we'll have some German weirdo with HUGE fucking eyebrows and a pentagram pendant talk authoritatively of how this video proves that Bigfoot and the Druids founded Atlantis.
What happened? No wonder everyone in this country is so fucking stupid, Americans are led to believe that all of this crazy shit is fact. All of the aforementioned programs build up these myths, rather than debunk them. It's fucking stupid. Arrrrrrgh!
If you want to stare at a void to forget your lousy existence; then, by all means, go nuts with this dreck. If you want facts, watch Penn & Teller's 'Bullshit'.
And a special fucking note to TLC:
You're named the LEARNING Channel, not the 'Wild-Ass Speculation Channel'. Get your shit together; I live 2.5 miles south of your world headquarters (Discovery too) and own enough firepower to depose a 3rd world government - Don't give me a reason.
The "If you cant say something nice..." addendum:
I have to say that the History Channel's new series 'Declassified' is superb. It's your typical 'Inside the CIA' program, but with rapid flashing violent images accompanied by nu-metal guitar riffs between segments. For some reason, I fucking LOVE it - It's like catnip to me.
I Tivoed the 'Joseph Stalin' episode, and have watched it 3 or 4 times already - whenever it comes on, the dog hides (so you know it's good).
*yes, I know "dumbining" isn't a word - Neither is Umerika, you jackass.