Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sprung


Since everyone thinks that all I do is bitch out into the blogosphere, I figured it was time to do a "happy" post.

Finally the temperature is starting to consistently break to 70 degree mark, the cherry blossoms are in full bloom, the leaves are beginning to sprout forth from the bare branches, and the sun is shining bright through the clear sky.

I love it when it looks like winter is finally behind us, and all we have to look forward to is 6 months of beautiful days ahead.

All is good.
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Now, wasn't that fucking gay? Don't you wish that I'd have written a bitter rant instead?

Well then, Here you are:

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New & Improved Post

You can tell that the seasons have changed when the following things happen:

a) The fucking tourists clog up the streets and public transit, like pus clogs up a syphilitic cock. The main difference being; that pus doesn't get mad when you attempt to dislodge it. That's not to mention the herds of 'Segway' tourists rolling through the streets like a gang of retarded cyborgs sent back from a dystopic Disneyland future.

b) The rat farmers crawl out from what ever bridge they decided to drink away the winter under and storm the streets with filthy disease-ridden aplomb. You can't even get outside the goddamn door without being rushed by a crowd of CHUDS palms outstretched, or tripping over a garbage laden shopping cart.

c) All of the snow melts leaving the winter detritus to ooze out over the city. Everywhere you look are rancid piles of discarded chicken bones, used condoms, scratched lotto tickets, shattered bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, punctuated by the occasional syringe.

d) Due to the preceding two factors, the reek of stale urine, feces, and rotting garbage starts to lodge deep in your nostrils.

e) Whores drop the rabbit fur coats for the day-glow animal print spandex outfits. Frankly, I could have gone through the rest of my life without seeing your cellulite ridden hairy gut bisected by a hysterectomy scar hanging out over your waistband. Jesus.

Yeah, motherfucking spring is here. I think I'll observe this glorious transitional season by putting on my winter ski-mask, grabbing my summer baseball bat, and going out on the town to weed out some of the April fools.

See, now isn't that better?

5 comments:

jes said...

Ok, I'm eating lunch and reading that and it made me sick. I MISSED YOU! But really, gross, dude. . .

Michael K said...

I fucking hate tourists. Correction, I hate BAD tourists. I consider myself a good tourist. Probably because I know what pisses people off. First step to being a good tourist is to educate yourself a little before you go. Second step is that if you encounter something unfamiliar and need to figure out what to do, get the fuck out of everyone else's way until you figure it out. Do not have your family stand in front of all the turnstiles at the El until you figure out you can't jam nickels into the fare card slot. Third thing is to never travel in large groups or as I call the large groups of land whales from Boise, Pods. Just pisses everyone off when they try to get around you. And lastly, talk softly. Noone wants to listen to you talk to your travel companion about how much you loved the fucking "Duck Tour" bus.

The segway thing would make me want to kill.

Jeanz said...

In Chicago, the only segway users I've seen are cops. I can't understand how they expect to be taken seriously while riding those things. Nothing short of an arsenal like yours would balance the image.

Meat Head said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Meat Head said...

Brilliant
"The fucking tourists clog up the streets and public transit, like pus clogs up a syphilitic cock."

Brilliant!
"The rat farmers crawl out from what ever bridge they decided to drink away the winter under and storm the streets with filthy disease-ridden aplomb. You can't even get outside the goddamn door without being rushed by a crowd of CHUDS palms outstretched, or tripping over a garbage laden shopping cart."

You made coffee come out my nose.

I will add about being a tourist. Don't walk side by side and stop for no fucking reason. If you do don't be surprised when you get your dumb ass run your over. Or if you are a Pod. Get slapped upside the head and watch your fat ass weeble wobble.

Side note: with everyone banning smoking can we do the same for obscenely obese or ugly people. Can not wait for the day when I can go up to some one and tell them to go home there appearance offends. If they give me lip I can call the cops and they haul them of to fat/ugly prison.