Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Alright You Primitive Screwheads, Listen Up. You See This? This is My Boomstick!

Welcome to the second installation of the award winning L&E series 'Gun Nut'*. Everyone knows that the 'second' of anything gets little respect. Secondary teams are never as popular as their older brethren (Mets, White Sox, Islanders, Clippers, etc.), everyone hates sequels**, and the siblings of the famous are always at the butt of the joke (Neil Bush, Adam Baldwin, and Jim Belushi walk into a bar...).

Well, for our second feature we need a gun that refuses to be ignored. We need a firearm that looks like it was born from a torrid tryst between Charles Bronson, Godzilla, and a chainsaw. We need one mean motherfucking gun. Since the L&E name is synonymous with 'quality', we refuse to disappoint. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the:


Holy shit, is this one mean gun. It hurts like hell to fire, it keeps trying to kick back into your teeth, and if your not wearing ear-protection - you're deaf for the rest of the day. This gun serves one purpose, and one purpose only: To incapacitate as many people as possible within the shortest amount of time.

Pistol-grip shotguns are designed to spray projectiles to clear out large swaths per shot. They're useless over 50 feet (except for scaring the crap outta anyone within earshot), but ultra-lethal at close range. If you get hit with razorshot from a 500 at 10ft, the coroner is going to need a wet-vac, not a body bag.

The 500 and similar PG Shotguns are used by police and military world-wide, but are primarily utilized by SWAT and TAC teams. These guns are also the #1 home/business defense guns sold in the United States, due to their low cost.

I got my M500 (pictured above - in its latest incarnation) for $115, and then sank about double that into modifying the fuck out of it. It's a great gun to have. The thing is nasty-mean, but still a lot of fun to shoot. It vibrates your whole body and pushes you back with every shot. It'll bisque a pumpkin at 10 paces, and turn just about any solid item into a handy-dandy colander.

For the same reasons that everyone else buys these things (price, availability, devastation), these types of guns are often the weapons of choice amongst gangs, stick-up artists, and other scofflaws. So you better get yourself a 500, so that you can fend off all of the criminal miscreants who will be menacing you with their 500s - It just makes sense, people.

Actually, it's a dangerous world out there. If you go out you should probably wear a disguise anyway, and don't forget to bring your shotgun. It's easy; here's a picture of me at the local convenience store:


I love that store. Every time I go there they give me way too much change. Entirely too much, considering that I never handed them any money... hmmm.

Oh Shit, I hear sirens. I Gotta go - Now.

Until next time, keep your eye on the target and your finger on the trigger.

---
*Has not actually won any awards
**Except 'Empire Strikes Back'

8 comments:

Gundy said...

**Except Die Hard II, you prick!

DC Liar said...

Go fly into Dulles, you femme.

edP said...

I always feel like I've learned something when I come here.

Lady Di )O( said...

Ed and I are planning a sequel to Zero Effect. That would rock the house.

Michael K said...

In my hood that guy works behind the counter at the convenience store as does a Rotweiller.*

I have never owned a gun (except for a pellet gun which was taken by the police after I shot a kid) so my experience is limited to friend's weapons. I have a question for you. Aside from the guns ability to fire at different speeds and quality of construction, what differences are there from gun a to gun b as far as power aside from gauge? Can 2 different 12 gauges, firing the same shell, have different power output?

Michael K said...

* The Rotweiller part is true.

DC Liar said...

Mike -

Barrel length, chokes, and other accutrements affect power, accuracy, and grouping.

My Huglu side-by-side shotgun is also a 12 gauge (and shoots the same shells), but is night -vs- day when it comes to use and performance.

As far as different calibers and styles are concerned, there are HUGE differences. Even among shotgun shells there are hundreds of different types for different uses.

Don't get me started on the pistol -vs- rifle -vs- shotgun topic. Just look for future "Gun Nut" posts to go through all that.

Gundy said...

OMG, check out this fully automatic shotgun mod.