Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Bitch Forgot My Birthday

I just spent the last 7 hours popping Valium to calm down, and downing shots of Baker's to keep angry.
I'm so pissed that I cant even see straight.

Jenny forgot my birthday.

Here's the deal: I've been saving-up for the last few months to take her to Cozumel for her birthday (6/5), and now I'll be god-damned if I take that self-centered bitch to the Yucatan for her birthday after this shit.
I'm starting up a new contest: Whoever can give me the best reason why they deserve Jenny's birthday gift gets to join me for some scuba-diving/ruin-explorin' from June 2nd through June 8th, 2006.
I'm dead serious - Her birthday gift could be yours. Send me your essay on why you deserve her birthday gift, and it could be you in Mexico with my happy-ass for 7 booze-blurred days.

I called this months ago with Jes. I was convinced that she would forget my b-day, Jes bet she wouldn't (Jes, you owe me $5). I kept dropping hints over the last month, and it seemed that every fucking TV show we watched together had some 'birthday' element to it. I even caught her snooping through my e-mail with MK's b-day wish in the subject line of an e-mail this evening, still no "happy birthday".

All day I kept hoping (against hope) that she was playing coy, and had a surprise waiting for me when I got home.

I got nothing.

In order to clarify why I'm spazzing over this, I think some back-story would help:
Growing up, my family never really celebrated holidays, birthdays, etc. We'd get a cake and a couple of Hot Wheels or action figures and got to have a couple of friends spend the night over, but it never was a "big deal".
I was always intensely jealous of the kids who got the big parties. As a kid a huge birthday party was the social event of the year, and could cement you in good standing for the rest of the (school) year. My parents weren't going to play that game, and (in retrospect) those things were far outside of our family budget
I think that I could have a party at McDonald's once, but I'm pretty sure that it was for my friend, Brian - I just can't remember.

By the time I was thirteen, birthdays became a dinner out at my grandfather's restaurant, a (bargain bin) Nintendo game, and a pat on the back.
Then 'it' happened - when I turned 15 they forgot my birthday (ala Sixteen Candles). They went over seas to Germany, and (apparently) forgot that they'd be gone for my birthday. I got a panicked call from my mom at 10PM, I informed her that I'd helped myself to the liquor cabinet and that all was square.

I moved out of their house a couple of years later, and for several years kept away from all family events (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Birthdays). There was something liberating about being alone, but this is when my birthdays started to get ugly. I'm not sure that if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I was convinced that April 11th was cursed.
On various 4-11s I:
- Totaled out my car ('93)
- Was hospitalized ('93)
- Got fired ('94)
- Got locked out of my apartment (without keys or wallet) in the freezing rain, and spent 5 hours wandering around outside waiting for someone to get home and let me in ('95)
- Was dumped by a girlfriend ('96)
- Beat the shit out of a waiter at my birthday dinner when he kept hitting on my girlfriend ('99)
- Punched the rear-view mirror on my van and spider-webbed my entire windshield ('99)
- Spent the night in Jail ('01)
- Have gotten in more fights with girlfriends than at Dinosaur Jr Shows ('90-'06)

It's probably all me, but I can't seem to think that there is something weird going on.

To compensate for this I always make a special effort to overproduce on my girlfriends' birthdays.
Over the last couple years Jenny has gotten a trip to New Orleans (pre-flood) & an expensive string of pearls (that she hasn't worn yet) for her b-days.
Whereas, I got trinkets & eventually forgotten.
I'll be damned if she gets a trip to Mexico after forgetting about me.

Forgetting my birthday (in my book) is an inexcusable error. She knew how superstitious I was about this, and still forgot. I really need to just move on to a more beneficial relationship.

I want to thank all of you who blogged, called, wrote, or e-mailed to wish me a happy birthday, and those who didn't - No problem.

The only one I'm pissed at is The fucking Girl, she should know.
Fuck, Every year I make sure to make a big deal out of her b-day. She should have the decency to take five fucking seconds off from having the universe revolving around her, just to say "happy birthday".
Hell, even three of my EX-girlfriends took the time to wish me a happy birthday today since they know how wiggy I am about this shit, yet my live-in girlfriend couldn't be bothered to acknowledge my birthday.

Fuck her (and my parents, who also "forgot" to call - again).

Am I crazy, or just a weepy twat?
Please let me know.

The time stamp is from an earlier draft (on the birthday curse) - The bulk of this entry was posted at 1:07AM on 4/12/06.

And yes, I'm taking the day off tomorrow to continue this self-pity bender.


edP said...

Whoa - now I feel like a real prick. I only wished you a happy birthday on the Gunderblog.

I'm not trying to say this to blow smoke up your ass after such a shitty experience - but you are one of the most generous people I know. In my limited experience in this life, for some strange reason, the generous people always get nothing or worse. It's weird how our relationships (not just romantic, but relationships in general) which are supposed to be so complex can, oftentimes, be reduced to barnacle and the barge (not to be confused with deBarge cuz that's just gross).

Whatever happens with this other stuff, you should know that most people I know think of you as the kind of guy who would give you the shirt of his back. Sure you might say: "I guess I'll have to help your stupid unprepared ass because you forgot to bring your shirt. By the way, WHO THE FUCK FORGETS TO BRING THEIR SHIRT???" - but after some ridicule, you'd give them the 'What Would GG Allen Do' shirt and help them out.

By the way, I intend to write an essy, but in it I am going to propose that you take Bill Garver South of the Border (if you know what I mean). Just to see that last picture of you two in Speedos with tequilla bottles shoved in your veins giving the finger to Sammy Hagar right before the unexplained disapperance or grizzly death of one, both or all three of you (poor Sammy) is Freak-Ass Hall of Fame stuff. Let's see the Veterans Committee try to keep you out of that one. In true bitter irony, you'll probably end up on MSNBC where Rita Cosby will talk about you for weeks.

Yes, there will be a special bottle of rum for you at Alex's pirate birthday party. These kids like pirates, we'll give 'em pirates.

DC Liar said...

Can I be a whiskey pirate?
Rum gives me an itchy rash around the neck.

OK, now I'm forced to admit that I padded my pirate resume. I just don't like Rum, but I LOVE the name "Mount Gay". Arrrrgh!

DC Liar said...


Any White Sox fan, for starters.

edP said...

You can be a whiskey pirate. A pirate is a pirate so long as he's drunk.

edP said...

Re: shirtless WHite Sox fans...

ooooouch, he got all of that one.

Touch 'em all DC Liar.

Prairie Dawg said...

William T is a fine specimen, no doubt. But frankly, if you can get around the chest hair, I look better in a bikini.

DC Liar said...

Who the fuck could forget April 11th? Doesn't everyone remember the anniversary of:
-Last execution for witchcraft in Germany (1775)
-The Shogunate being abolished in Japan (1868)
- Spain ceding Puerto Rico to the United States (1899)
- The creation of The Emirate of Transjordan (1921)
- Civil Rights Act of 1968 (Sometime in the 60's, I'm not quite sure)
- The Launch of Apollo 13 (1970)
and who could forget
- The deposing of Ugandan dictator Idi Amin

Plus the fucking date is 411, and everyone knows that I'm chock-full of (useless) information (see above).

edP said...

The Shogunate has been abolished in Japan?


Michael K said...

I am also a person who never got the big party or the bbig gift when I was a kid and I developed a similar problem to yours. Each year the expectation gets higher for a great surprise from someone and each year the birthdays get worse. On my 30th, Sept. 30th, 2001, my "Golden Birthday" nonetheless, noone remembered. I was still recoverng from my heart problem and was feeling extra sorry for myself and I couldn't even drink. Meanwhile everyone else was still thinking about 9/11 which was like 3 weeks old already! Get over it folks! It's my birthday!

Anyway, my wife usually treats me good but only cuz she knows how big a deal it is to me. The rest of my family always forgets. I feel ya brother. I'd take the lady instead of any one of us douchebags cuz I am sure she smells nicer and, with the exception of Joey, none of us will put lotion on our elbows or touch you in your special place. At least now while conscious.

jes said...

So I'm sitting here listening to your new CD and thought, oh, I'll read Josh's blog. Now I feel like an ass. Happy belated birthday, Joshy. You know I love you. Then again, I don't feel too bad b/c my birthday came and went in February and I didn't get an email from you either!
Birthday drinks on me, you name the night!

Meat Head said...

You have a right to be pissed especially if she knows how much pain it has been in the past. I am another one who never had a big to do on there B growing up. Close to Xmas and my brothers. A lot of combined presents/celebrations.

I do more now on my B day than growing up. Ms. Meat Head is a big B day person and always plans something. Truthfully it kind of weirds me out and would rather do nothing or just be left alone. It’s strange what you get used to.

On the essay.

I drink, fight and I am scuba certified.

Happy belated birthday.

edP said...

I think MeatHead wis the essay contest. For a SCUBA trip with you, he's got the trifecta.(sp...Jeanz?)

edP said...

MeatHead WINS the essay contest.

Aw, I just lost my vote didn't I?

Gundy said...

"only wished you a happy birthday on the Gunderblog"

WTF?!? The Gunderblog is Birthday Central, yo. Gundy never forgets his homeys and that might be reason enough for a Yucatan vacation, you bitches!

elisenator said...

you should take me bc i really, really wanna go! and i look great in a bikini!

edP said...

Better than Bill Garver?

DC Liar said...

Self-pity bender update:

I ditched the hooch for Chinese take-away and comic books (Y the Last Man, & 100 Bullets - I think that I need to pick up the Ultimate Marvel Companion to get through Gaiman's Marvel 1602).

I know that I'm wasting the day, but the only thing worse than getting caught in a screaming hissy fit is getting caught in a screaming hissy fit at work.

Gundy said...

I recommend getting into a 100 Bullets-inspired hissy fit.

Cole Burns is a good role-model. And you get to warm up on your tequila drinking!

The Old Dog said...

I think I used the gunderblog to wish you happy bithday, but still - I forgot! So, I'm no candidate for the contest.

I sorta know how you feel. My older brother and sister threw each other kick-ass, cops showing up and drunks in the yard parties, and I never got one. There were hints from me, and as I later learned, what I mistook for hints from them. No party. I got over it.

I really want you to forgive the Girl, but if you can't, PLEASE take Garv. And take plenty of pictures.

Lady Di )O( said...

*to a fun little song in my head*

Happy happy happy birthday to you!!!

Your birthday is in April and nothing rhymes with April! The "word" verification says xochcla. So cool!

I don't even know you, but I hear you have a birthdayyyy, so happy happy birthday to YOU!!!

Hipster happy birthday, fake blowing out candle birthday, and happy crappy birthday, with Blues Traveler at your birthday, and happy crappy birthday to you!!

Love Di

Kim said...

You should select me because:

1) I hate flying and will cry at takeoff.

2) Good body or not, I'll never wear any sort of "girl" bathing suit again. If it don't got actual shorts, I don't wear it.

3)You wouldn't stand out like a sore thumb with all those tattoos--I would.

4)I'll probably be tired and will just lay around, drinking and smoking and griping and moaning.

What kind of FOOL wouldn't select me? Also, even if you did, of course I couldn't go--so if you select me, you can still take The Girl if you guys make up!

Kim said...

Di: That song is AMAZING!
Please make one up for me, even tho it was over 6 weeks ago?

Prairie Dawg said...

What I loved most about Di's birthday song:

Thinking of DC Liar doing some kind of Blues Traveler marathon at the bottom of his birthday bender--with a 4 hour intermission of Spin Doctors in between.

Then, Dave Matthews during the hangover.

Up is down, black is white, the centre cannot hold...