Monday, July 03, 2006


OK, kids here's that rant you've been waiting for:
The lovely Jeanne (ex-roommate and archaeologist extraordinaire) sent me THIS link (via JohnU). Apparently she read the aforementioned article and thought I could do something with it. For those of you who are too lazy to click the link, I'll summarize: 7,000+ people came together in Idaho for the 39th annual "We are totally gay for Jesus and America festival" (or some such shit). All I could think of while reading it was the 'Labels' rant I've had swimming around in my head for the last couple of months, so I think that this serves as a good jumping-off point.

In any loosely defined sub-sect of society you will have individuals that have binding interests and/or collective identities. As soon as 3 people find that they share more than 2 things in common, it is inevitable that some fucking idiot will come up with an unending list of rules to govern said group. I've noticed it in high school, in college, in social groups, in politics, in vocations, in scenes, and all over the motherfucking internet. This shit has always gotten my nuts in a twist, but lately it's un-fucking-bearable.

In the case of the USA lovin' Christ fuckers, everyone seems to feels the need to get together in a huge fucking group to beat their chests, gnash their teeth, speak in tongues, and carry on to prove that they are pretty little pious patriots. I'm sure they then broke off into groups to decide what books to burn, what TV shows to protest, or which gay-friendly corporations to boycott. It's the whole; "If everyone doesn't see me do it, then they might think I don't love God and Country" mentality. Idiots.

Yeah, everyone can laugh at the zealots, but it gets even more ridiculous in the circles I'm familiar with. I grew up in the late '80s/early '90s Chicago punk scene. Those Idaho holy-rollers have nothing on suburban scenesters. Find any hipster sub-sect, and they'll have more asinine rules than the fucking Koran. If you wear these shoes, it means this; if you listen to this band then you can't to do that; if you have that haircut, then you have to believe this... it's all horseshit. It got so bad that Mr. Ben Weasel wrote a satirical article in Maximum Rock & Roll (the punksters' bible) on the rules of punk, and people started FUCKING FOLLOWING HIS NEW MOCK-RULES like they were handed down to motherfuckin' Moses. Fucking retards.

And now onto the fucking blogs... Elise touched on this topic earlier (I would link to her rant, but that would divulge her super-secret new blog address, thus leaving her vulnerable to the Mongolian hoards that seem to be after her), but this shit has been digging deep into my proverbial 'craw' for about a year now. Anyone that has a website/blog that purports to be part of a bigger scene/movement, leaves every fucking thought they have open to an unending stream of criticism from the hive-mind. I'm gonna pick on Kaka (sorry, but it's the perfect example). I feel bad for her, she can't even buy a pink shirt, or confess a love of unicorns without someone railing on about "oppressive gender roles" or pointing out that in history the unicorn was a symbol of theistic chastity, and therefore antithetical to the 'cause'. Sweet fancy Christ!
I'd always dated girls that were involved in the gender-equality movement, and I took a bunch of women's studies courses in college, but I can't distance myself far enough from the hard-core feminists crowd. They're all fucking nuts - It's all rules; rules pile high upon a myriad other rules, shit there's even rules that contradict other rules. It drives 'em wacky, and seems to rob most of any sense of humor. I'd be willing to do more for the 'cause', but it's a fuck of a lot less trouble to stand (far) back and giggle.

The thing that gets me is that most of these rules (across all groups) seem to be implemented by the weakest members of a group. It's those who feel alienated that implement the most stringent regulations. It's the poser outsiders who determine the rules of the game. Fuck those losers. Why bend to their fanatical whims? Hell, no one would even pay attention to 'em if they weren't raising such a goddamn ruckus. Why let those in a crisis of faith write dogma? Really, why do you even need this shit? It's not doing anyone a bit of fucking good. It's just an excuse for someone to act superior to the whole of a group.

I never have tolerated any of this shit, so it amazes me when others do so willingly. I'm a tattooed, punk rock listenin', gun owning, Vespa riding, SUV driving, agnostic, pro-choice, gay-friendly, flower photographing, antique syringe collecting, oil painting, well-read, tofu cooking, chain smokin', hard drinkin', blogging, puppy petting, libertarian lobbyist.
If there's anyone else out there that falls into this group, please STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. And, no matter what, don't ever try to tell me how to live my fucking life.


edP said...

How many antique syringes do you have?

Where do you go antiquing?

Alphabet City?

edP said...

A semi-serious point - labling and intellectually sloppy shortcuts, in my limited experience, can be even worse than you describe here.

Everyone discusses leaders, writers and fuck knows who else in terms of ideology. Ideology always seems to begin where speculation ends. When you profess an ideology you basically are saying you know the most important components of the solution to the problem in question - now how do we get it.

I've been sort of following the on going shit between our lil Miss E, kaka's blog and some of the folks that like to post there. I don't think the practitioners of feminist ideology are the worst offenders. If you add or associate with "ists" of any sort...the "ist" indicates that they are interested in pursuing an agenda. Some would argue that the only way to "get to our goal" is to go in-step together. But it's worse out there.

I supposedly am part of an institution of higher learning. Are there multiple oxymorons in there or is it just me? But the turf wars, positioning for prominence anmd funding tend to be drawn along political/ideological lines. What the hell? I thought we were supposed to be somewhat detached about this shit? I thought we had the opportunity to wonder about the world and he opinions therein...including our fucking own.

I give kaka and others who associate with feminist or other ideologues credit when they question their own opinions and this status crap.

Toc thought the Americans, for the most part, tend to be incapable of embracing original thought (I may be proving his point by quoting a Frenchman here in addressing the problem)

F1.4 said...

After reading this I was reminded of the legendary Clark Griswald Rant in the National Lampoons Christmas special.

I have been told I say Fuck way too much, thanks for pointing out that I really haven't even gotten started.

Fucking laughed my fucking balls off.



DC Liar said...

Oh Crap, Ed, I think I'm a Frenchman. Fucking-fuckity-fuck.

DC Liar said...

Oh, and I concur that feminists are far from the worst offenders. It just so happened that Ms. Kaka's blog was the spark that ignited the powder-keg.
Kinda caught in the crosshairs there, once again, sorry Kaka.

edP said...

I didn't get the sense that you thought the feminists were the worst offenders. I like who you pointed the finger at actually.

Some of the most laughable shit I have ever heard was musicians moaning in some DeKalb bar about how they wish there was a more coherent rock scene in this town?

I was always like "For what? So we can goosestep into Poland?"

The worst offenders are the ones you hinted at...musicians, artists (fake or otherwise) or "rebels" who become scenesters (sp?) - but you get the point.

The scary thing is recognizing the anti-conformity conformity is only the first step. In my job at the dopey school I have to wonder 'Am I taking this different path because I want to or have the fake Straussians on the right and the liberal dogmatists everywhere else forced me to take this direction because no one else is?'

When you realize that the unoriginal repeatin' bastards can have this kind of power over you it can make you shudder and feel dirty.

And not the good kind of dirty.

Michael K said...

your rant reminded me of these classic words from the dead milkmen:

now, I understand some of you don't know sarah jane, so i'll tell you a little bit about her. she's a lesbian eskimo midget albino. she went to college
and she started the lesbian eskimo midget albino student union, and 400 people signed up! there they were. hundreds of 'em - lesbian midget left-handed eskimo albinos. did i mention the fact she's left handed? she's left handed alright.

girls got some strange hobbies. one of her hobbies is lowering children into open
man-holes. which is kind of difficult cause a lot of the children are taller than her, her being a midget and everything - well, her being a left-handed midget - well, her being a left-handed lesbian midget - well, her left-handed lesbian albino midget - well, her being a
left-handed lesbian albino midget eskimo. life can be really difficult on that young lady.

she bit me once, you know. right here. you see this? left a mark. she was lowering a friend of mine's kid into the sewer. i run up and tried to stop her. i said 'listen there you lesbian midget left-handed albino!' and she stopped right there.
and she bit me! i'm afraid i'm gonna... i'm gonna turn into a lesbian left-handed midget albino when the moon is full.

oh my god the moon is full tonight! i can feel myself shrinking. i can feel myself getting left-handed. i can feel myself getting the urge to build an igloo. i can feel my skin turning white and my eyes getting red. i can feel - i can feel the urge to buy a suzanne vega album! noooo!!!

oh, ok, it's just gas.

The Old Dog said...

I love your rant. I could never join your club of one, but I would like to suggest that you eat more fiber and put a gun rack in your truck. Also, put a rainbow sticker on the bumper, just to confuse the hell out of people

The Old Dog said...

I checked out that link. I'd like to see the size of the mayonaise vat they trailered up for that event.

Prairie Dawg said...

Good show old chap.